my03 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I've been dating this girl for three and a half months, we met at a friends getogether and hooked up and been dating ever since. We are both in our late 20's. Things are going well, we get along, but she is pretty moody and emotional. She also gets bad pms which I can accept cause a lot of girls get it. When we first started, we were having sex every time we met up (2-3 times a week, sometimes multiple times per meet). A month ago, the sex died, she says she just doesn't feel like it. I asked her whats wrong and if it's because she doesnt want to have sex with me anymore she said she wouldn't want to have it with anyone else either. She's going through a stage where she doesn't feel like it and it irritates her when I try to initiate it. Other than this, things are the usual up and down depending on her mood and emotions. When she's good we're good, when she's not good, she's quite cold or the vibe is crap. I've confronted her about taking it out on me when she's moody and she said she's trying to change but it will take time. I would of thought that I should break up with her cause she's losing interest, but she tells me she loves me, she loves seeing my family and she loves me seeing her family. She also told me that I treated her better than all her previous relationships. I just don't know what to think, is she losing interest, is she not attracted or is it just her emotions and hormones playing havoc on our sex life? Should I back off a bit and give her space? I'm happy to just end it, but at the same time I would fee bad if this wasn't her fault and she does genuinely love me because I really like her. Any advice would be really appreciated as I'm stuck and not sure where to go from here!!
BikerAccnt Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Run the other way! Seriously, think about it. She may be telling you the truth, in my opinion, that's a pretty bad omen for you. She may never have really enjoyed sex, it may be something she doesn't need/want very often. Some people are like that (my ex wife for example). If you've got a much higher libido, and don't want to live a sexless, or near sexless existence, you need to let her go and find someone more compatible. I'm sure my ex wife did genuinly love me, probably still does. However, without the glue of sex, it's one of the reasons I fell out of love with her. 4
Emilia Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I'm happy to just end it, but at the same time I would fee bad if this wasn't her fault and she does genuinely love me because I really like her. Well it's not her 'fault' that she is the way she is. Likely she can't really help it and do you want to go down the route of trying to change her? You can't really do that to an adult. It's something she has to want herself and it will take her a long time indeed, depending on the reasons behind her mood instability. Personally, I'd end it. It will probably only get worse. I can't see a solution.
todreaminblue Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Every woman is different soem women myself included are emotionally and hormone driven......around my period i become pretty erratic and unstable...i was on mood stabilizers and blockers and they actually gave me 300 times the estrogen overload i havent actually recovered from this......i deal with it though ......my sex drive wasnt affected...... i think you have to follow your heart....if you do, you shouldnt feel so much guilt........because whatever you do it is right for you, so it is right for her as well......best wishes....deb
Art_Critic Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 She isn't into you anymore and isn't going to cut you loose till she has filled the spot with another guy that trips her trigger.. Time for a talk.. unless you want to never have sex again till she cuts you loose. If you had been together maybe 6 months to a year and this had happened I might give you different advice but at 3 months that is one of those tipping point dates that many short term relationships fizzle out and people fade away. My advice... speak with her about the future.. see where it goes and if she hesitates on any key questions then you have your answer 5
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 The reason she even started dating you likely had nothing to do with you, this just sounds like a case where she has other issues/emotions going on and you just served as a distraction and to partially fill a void. I doubt she was ever really into you. I wouldn't stick around at all if it's like this after 3 months, I wouldn't feel guilty about it because she knows what she's doing and how she really feels, she's just fighting herself and trying to tell herself she's going to change but she won't...it's just this blind faith and hope but you'll see nothing will happen. Walk out the door, hopefully she'll start working on her own issues, but likely she'll just end up with another guy then do the same thing to him...don't be THAT guy, don't be a fool, this is not about you. Just because someone else is in denial, it doesn't mean you have to be, it doesn't mean you have to try and force yourself to believe them when they're not even being honest with themselves. People are not as innocent as they pretend to be, she knows she's not doing you right but she's stringing you along for her own needs, telling herself it'll change...her attitude shows she is not really happy with you, she's just pushing herself and trying to "look on the bright side" but then has to face reality again and it's the same cycle over and over. 1
DArtagnan2 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I'm happy to just end it, but at the same time I would fee bad if this wasn't her fault and she does genuinely love me because I really like her. This right here, would have me ending the relationship. It really wouldn't even have to do with the sex, the sex is just one of those little relationship annoyances that I would be focusing on because there is a bigger issue (so-to-say) to my feelings towards the relationship. It doesn't appear that it would be breaking your heart to walk away if you thought you and her didn't click. So to me, whatever it is, that has one "wanting to", isn't there for you. Given the moodiness and things going on this early in the relationship, without the issue now of her not being in to sex anymore AND getting annoyed, key word "annoyed" with you because of it, its a good vision of what is to come. To me, when someone is "annoyed" with me because of their own ****, thats just not something I am willing to take on anymore. Their annoyance is with themselves somewhere inside and I am not going to be their outlet for it. I wouldn't believe you would want to either.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I have been her. I dated guys I wasn't into to fill the void and pass the time. My mood would go up and down and when I was generally happy with other things in my life, I would be good to them. When I wasn't...well I was difficult to say the least. I don't do that anymore but she is not into you. I can tell you that much.
central Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 she said she wouldn't want to have it with anyone else either. She's going through a stage where she doesn't feel like it and it irritates her when I try to initiate it. This is your future - at its best. It rarely gets better. You are in the early days of dating with her, so now is the time to move on.
Author my03 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks for all the great responses guys. There's no doubt that she has her issues, I have close friends that know her through family and she has had a rough past and also been in some dysfunctional relationships and let her emotions get a hold of her and take it out on her boy friends. I knew exactly what I was getting into from the start but wanted to give it a shot because I know she has a good heart and aside from the volatility, I could see us being together in the long term. Thats why I have a suspicion that it's just the way she is, and she has problems showing consistent affection rather than her not being into me? She seems to have invested more into this relationship than I have, she definitely has more to lose. She is serious about this, but like alot of chicks, she's not emotionally solid. It's a bit of an eye opener when you guys tell me she's not into me and just using me to fill a void, but would she really introduce me to her parents, extended family and even try get me (an atheist) to go to her church? I'm not in denial, but thought I would give you guys more info before you convince me she's not into me and I break it off. On a unrelated topic, I'm very picky with my girlfriends. I find it hard to like someone, and i actually do like her, so do you think I should try to detatch and keep on going with this girl until someone better comes along or just run asap? Thanks guys, all the comments so far have been very insightful.
happywithlife Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I think the relationship has bigger issues than being suddenly cut off from sex. It sounds like your girlfriend had some emotional/possibly mental health issues that she should address. You can't change her. That has to come from within her. I think the relationship will end up being miserable for you if you continue and she hasn't addressed her issues.
Art_Critic Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 but would she really introduce me to her parents, extended family and even try get me (an atheist) to go to her church? Yes she would...you are hanging your hat on introductions and trying to get you to go to church with her... dude.... 1
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 She seems to have invested more into this relationship than I have, she definitely has more to lose. She is serious about this, but like alot of chicks, she's not emotionally solid. It's a bit of an eye opener when you guys tell me she's not into me and just using me to fill a void, but would she really introduce me to her parents, extended family and even try get me (an atheist) to go to her church? So, for the first 2.5 months, great sex, right? In the past month, barely anything. So, did she enjoy sex while you two were having it often? Did she ever initiate? How enthusiastic was she while having sex? What happened a month ago? Or was this change sudden and unexpected? Did she start to want to go to church more? More religious? More pushing/asking you to go to church? Do you think her religious convictions are starting to weigh heavily on her and now regretting or rethinking the sex?
abby2 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks for all the great responses guys. There's no doubt that she has her issues, I have close friends that know her through family and she has had a rough past and also been in some dysfunctional relationships and let her emotions get a hold of her and take it out on her boy friends. I knew exactly what I was getting into from the start but wanted to give it a shot because I know she has a good heart and aside from the volatility, I could see us being together in the long term. Thats why I have a suspicion that it's just the way she is, and she has problems showing consistent affection rather than her not being into me? She seems to have invested more into this relationship than I have, she definitely has more to lose. She is serious about this, but like alot of chicks, she's not emotionally solid. It's a bit of an eye opener when you guys tell me she's not into me and just using me to fill a void, but would she really introduce me to her parents, extended family and even try get me (an atheist) to go to her church? I'm not in denial, but thought I would give you guys more info before you convince me she's not into me and I break it off. On a unrelated topic, I'm very picky with my girlfriends. I find it hard to like someone, and i actually do like her, so do you think I should try to detatch and keep on going with this girl until someone better comes along or just run asap? Thanks guys, all the comments so far have been very insightful. It's not easy to find someone you like, as long as you love her and be positive about the relationship, both of you work on the issue, things may work out in the end. No relationships are perfect, it takes time and effort to make a relationship work. Also, you can't guarantee the next one will be better than this one. So I think you shouldn't run away or thinking to look for someone else. Instead, you should take your time to work on the issue with her first.
jbelle6 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I don't know enough to say if she's into you or not. I can only tell you I do know that I will never be in a relationship with someone I am sexually incompatible with ever again. Lucky you found out now. And if it's like this after only months what's it going to be like in 2 years? You will be one of those guys that has to beg for a BJ on your birthday.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all the great responses guys. There's no doubt that she has her issues, I have close friends that know her through family and she has had a rough past and also been in some dysfunctional relationships and let her emotions get a hold of her and take it out on her boy friends. I knew exactly what I was getting into from the start but wanted to give it a shot because I know she has a good heart and aside from the volatility, I could see us being together in the long term. Thats why I have a suspicion that it's just the way she is, and she has problems showing consistent affection rather than her not being into me? She seems to have invested more into this relationship than I have, she definitely has more to lose. She is serious about this, but like alot of chicks, she's not emotionally solid. It's a bit of an eye opener when you guys tell me she's not into me and just using me to fill a void, but would she really introduce me to her parents, extended family and even try get me (an atheist) to go to her church? I'm not in denial, but thought I would give you guys more info before you convince me she's not into me and I break it off. On a unrelated topic, I'm very picky with my girlfriends. I find it hard to like someone, and i actually do like her, so do you think I should try to detatch and keep on going with this girl until someone better comes along or just run asap? Thanks guys, all the comments so far have been very insightful. about 3-4 months ago I believe I wrote something very similar to this above. I had known this girl over 4 years, I known people who knew her, knew she had some rough times, but had a good heart, good head on her shoulders and we clicked on everything else. but... she blew up quite often after we started to date. within the first month, even really before we were official, she ended it like 3-4 times saying "something didn't click" everytime something happened in her life that many times, had nothing to do with me, but it then became about something I said or did. Ultimately, she took whatever it was out on me. I stuck by her, I knew she just needed some one to support her. Bring out the good more then the bad, and so on... her abusive behavior went on for months. Through the Holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Even where on the morning of Thanskgiving, she started a "discussion" with me that lasted almost 4 hours on how she didn't feel something was right. her reasonsing this time was because on my way to see her, (I live in another state about 3-4 hours away), I didn't seem as excited to be coming for the weekend / Holiday and I didn't let her know when I was getting real close to her place. (I was wanting to surprise her). Minimal stuff but she made in to a Mountain and I found myself getting in my car and heading back home, Thanksgiving morning. All I am saying is, when someone has these episodes, I think many of us continue to look at those soft moments and care they show. The problem is, the episodes far outweigh the "good times". Someone like me who has been through it, find that I was constantly walking on egg shells with what I say or do so not to upset her. Spinning in circles, trying even harder to show her how much I care while she continues to get more distant, start more "discussions" or tell me twice as much how we just don't "click". Yet she always comes back around after the heart ache and being exhausted from these discussions of hours, only to hear her say how much she cares, its not me its her, she isn't really a hot mess and is just insecure, and so on. back and forth, and, back and forth. this is how it will be, man. if she is Ok with who she is, how she treats others and her minimal effort to the relationship, then you need to be ok with this is how it will be as long as you are together. You may feel you got the energy or can take this on, but bro, it gets exhausting and the longer you stay the harder it is to take your self respect, walk away and find someone who will treat you as you treat them and will want the same as you. That is, until she is done with the drama she creates, finally blames you for the issues and whats wrong with the relationship and walks away herself. don't let her control this or you. learn from others experiences, like mine. Edited May 22, 2014 by DArtagnan2
Author my03 Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks for the replies guys, when we did have sex yes she did enjoy it, I make sure she aways comes first before I do. (and no she wasnt faking it hahaha) yes she did initiate it. Nothing really happened a month ago, maybe she was slightly more moody than usual? i don't think it's religious, she's always gone to church but was never a virgin, but church is important to her and her family etc. I just wanna know if women go through phases where they might not want it. I read some article that said women only get horny a few days of the month, but when they do get horny it's moreso than men. Stuff like that I wanna know more about. I might be hanging on, but I really want to give her and our relationship a fair chance. I don't have a big social circle, so it's hard for me to come across a variety of girls. I would think ideally, cause the relation isn't really negativley affecting my life, we keep on going and see if it works out, if it still hasnt worked out and someone else comes in the picture, leave. It's selfish, but like others have said, gotta look out yourself. Can you guys see any problems with this approach?
violet1 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I personally don't have that high of a sex drive. I really don't enjoy sex that much. It doesn't matter who the person is. I really have to be in the mood to have sex. No, I'm not asexual. I'm just not one who needs it more than once a week or once every other week. It's possible your gf is the same. If you two aren't sexually compatible than I strongly suggest you end the relationship. Or you will end up resentful towards her. Everyone has different needs and drives. It's fine if your gf has a low drive, but if you don't have a low drive as well than there's no way your relationship will work. Maybe she was having more sex with you in the beginning because she wanted to show she likes you? I was kind of like that in the beginning with my H.
FitChick Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Has she changed her birth control? Has she started or stopped taking any other medications?
Author my03 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thanks for the responses so far guys. She isn't on birth control, she does take some type of Chinese herbal medicine which is supposedly "balances" her hormones. With or without the medicine she's always been a moody girl and also gets bad period pain, pms and daily headaches. Sounds like a catch right? Haha I know deep down she's a good girl and probably means well but does have a lot Of personal issues. Just don't want to write her off if she's something beyond her control and give her a chance and hopefully overcome it together
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