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Divorcing my wife, should I tell her about the OW?

jackson99

By jackson99
in Infidelity

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Furious Established Member

Furious

Posted
Posted (edited)
After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

 

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

 

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

 

 

 

Amazing, how you decide on your wife's behalf to assume what's best for your her, as your actions and choices prove otherwise.

 

This is not about hurting your wife, this is about damage control that best suits you.

 

It's obvious, you will not give your wife the truth. She's not stupid, she'll put two and two together, when you and the affair partner become an open couple.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

Posted
Posted

So you believe that it's in the best interest of your coparenting to lie to and deceive your STBXW? I highly doubt that! Your friend told you to tell because your wife suspects. If she suspects and you haven't admitted to it, you've been gaslighting her. That's abuse, it will make her crazy and it will be harder to recover. When the truth does come out you will be portrayed as a liar AND a coward.

  • Like 3
A.Moscote Established Member

A.Moscote

Posted
Posted (edited)

Jackson99, I believe you can work out on how to disclose this to your wife in a considerate and compassionate manner. Read again some posts here which mention the benefits of doing so.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to banned member redacted
  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted (edited)

I could probably list a hundred reasons why coming clean would be the best thing for your wife, you, and the overall situation but I'm going to stick to the most practical one because I think that's what is the most compelling to you. You want to do damage control.

 

Quick anecdotal story first. My wife told me out of the blue that she might want to separate, had been unhappy for years, needed time and space to decide, but that it was probably too late for us. I was devastated and felt horrible that I was responsible for making my wife so unhappy. She didn't give me much to go on but I immediately started working on anything I could think of to fix my side of things. I couldn't sleep and couldn't eat but I worked out like crazy, tried to quit smoking, read everything I could consume on saving a marriage, and addressed any little thing that could be my fault. I was in a panic trying to save the marriage and lost 25 lbs in the first three weeks due to the stress. I beat myself up something awful. But during that three weeks, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something (someone) else. I decided to do a little digging and sure enough, I found an affair. Honestly, my first reaction was relief. It wasn't all about me; she had been investing in another relationship for a year. The truth of an affair was actually a relief as compared to a lifetime of self-blame. To this day, I have the hardest time forgiving her for watching me blame myself for those 3 weeks while she sat on the truth.

 

It took me the three weeks to do the math due to a lack of red flags. Your scenario sounds quite different. Your wife already has suspicions. When you bring up divorce/separation, I'd bet she'll suspect your affair before you finish the sentence and she'll probably already know the woman. After my discovery, I got a virtual PhD in detective work. I can't begin to tell you how much my desire for the truth ruled my universe. And it went on for like, a year, because she kept trying to "protect me" from the truth. Your wife is probably going to go insane trying to figure out WTF is REALLY going on. You can't come to grips with the truth and even begin to accept it until you know what the truth is. Is she just going to sit back and accept your lies? I think it's more likely that she's not going to rest until she knows the truth. Are you ready for a crazy stalker on your hands? Sound like a good co-parenting relationship to you? Is this 'sparing her pain?'

 

I think it's only a matter of time before she figures this out. The longer you lie, deny, and minimize this affair then the more likely that she's NEVER going to have respect for you. If you at least have the courage to give her the truth, she can eventually get to the point where she respects the fact that you were honest. And while she'll be hurt, it won't be permanent and you have a chance of her putting her issues aside for the sake of coparenting. If you keep lying, she'll eventually figure this out, especially since you're eventually going to be out in the open with your OW anyway. Will your lies get better with age? Or do you think she's going to be even more pissed that you keep playing her for the fool?

 

Don't curse her with thoughts of being to blame for your divorce. Don't drive her crazy wondering WTF really happened. Show her some level of respect by giving her the truth, apologize for handling this so horribly, and request an amicable divorce. She'll be hurt but at least you'll have a chance at a mutually respectful coparenting relationship in the future. If you keep doubling down on your lies, you may never have a decent relationship with her.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 9
beatcuff Established Member

beatcuff

Posted
Posted

deserves has nothing to do with it. the M is over. you FINALLY did the right thing (by allowing your S to move on).

 

BS make a lot of demands. and in their minds they see the justification. you see that in these posts. i see nothing for YOU to gain.

 

the A is not the cause of the D it is a symptom of [many] issue. something most want to avoid.

 

in any case, i would NOT tell her until after the D is final. nothing is worse (drama/money) than a hurt S in D proceedings.

  • Like 1
fellini Established Member

fellini

Posted
Posted

This is not about hurting your wife, this is about damage control that best suits you.

 

It's obvious, you will not give your wife the truth. She's not stupid, she'll put two and two together, when you and the affair partner become an open couple.

 

Not sure if anyone can tell him WHAT this about but himself. Well, if his wife is not stupid (a reasonable assumption to make about any human being) then he needn't tell her, because she is going to figure it out anyhow. So all the people in here who think not telling her is morally reprehensible, relax, she is going to put 2 plus 2 together.

  • Like 2
janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
Posted

I am not a "bitter BS who has been cheated on." I am a FWS. IF you care about integrity, your children, or character at all, be honest.

 

End of story. Your stbxw will be trying to figure out for YEARS what she did wrong and maybe wonder if she is "good enough." Bottom line, nobody who is honest leaves "just because the marriage was bad" if they are in an A. The A ALWAYS plays a part.

 

Tell the woman you promised to love and cherish till death do you part the truth. You owe her that much at least.

  • Like 8
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted
Not sure if anyone can tell him WHAT this about but himself. Well, if his wife is not stupid (a reasonable assumption to make about any human being) then he needn't tell her, because she is going to figure it out anyhow. So all the people in here who think not telling her is morally reprehensible, relax, she is going to put 2 plus 2 together.

 

Yes, and then she'll be more pissed. Is that what he wants? I doubt it. If he wants amiable coparenting, he should START treating her with respect.

  • Like 6
Sub Established Member

Sub

Posted
Posted
My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband).

 

You've answered your own question here. Unless you now think your W is a complete moron, it serves you better to not underestimate her at this point.

  • Like 3
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted
You've answered your own question here. Unless you now think your W is a complete moron, it serves you better to not underestimate her at this point.

 

Yep, say hello to hypervigilance on the part of your STBXW. Lying is not going to help.

  • Like 3
10thengineerharrison Established Member

10thengineerharrison

Posted
Posted
This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

 

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

 

It's amazing the degree of revisionist history that comes with being a wayward. NONE of what you've described is accurate in these quite-scripted scenarios. The cruelty was when, after making that promise to your wife, you broke it when you felt like it and she doesn't know. Telling her the truth would be a relief, more likely than not.

 

So, telling the truth won't cause the pain, you're stupid, selfish behavior over the last 4 years did that.

 

As for "when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years?": The relationship "ended" because you chose to cheat. Once you started lying and cheating and sneaking around on your faithful wife, you reformatted the marriage in your own head to justify your bad behavior. I just want you to know why the relationship ended - it's entirely your doing, not your wife's.

 

Finally, your affair is destroying your ability to be partners in raising your son. This is YOUR fault, not your wife's.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

P.S. posted on the assumption that this poster is real, though I frankly doubt it.

  • Like 6
Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

 

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

 

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

 

This OP is a good example of that irrational, affair foggy-thinking that is bandied about so much around here. I mean, your bolded statement seems like a complete contradiction.

 

Tread carefully, affair partners (meaning you and your OW) seem to live in this fantasy where no one will figure out the truth and it will all work out since no one will find out how you two really got together.

 

You say your wife suspects and won't be surprised when you are seen with your OW. Yet, you don't want to tell her and cause her pain. Don't you think she will figure it out? I don't think your wife is a stupid woman; she will figure it out.

 

You are getting a lot of advice here and a lot of it is saying the same thing. What are your thoughts?

  • Like 1
10thengineerharrison Established Member

10thengineerharrison

Posted
Posted
From Esther Perel...

 

And a similar argument from Mira Hirshenbaum

 

Two phenomenal idiots.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

  • Like 6
10thengineerharrison Established Member

10thengineerharrison

Posted
Posted

BS make a lot of demands. and in their minds they see the justification. you see that in these posts. i see nothing for YOU to gain.

 

Right. By not telling her the truth, she might not find it out before he gets the most favorable divorce settlement for HIM, with little thought for her.

 

the A is not the cause of the D it is a symptom of [many] issue. something most want to avoid.

 

Utter bull feathers. The affair *IS* the cause of the deterioration of the marriage and WILL BE the cause of the divorce. The "many issues" are all rationalizations by the cheater to justify their selfish behavior. Nothing more lofty than that.

 

in any case, i would NOT tell her until after the D is final. nothing is worse (drama/money) than a hurt S in D proceedings.

 

Don't kid yourself or anyone else here. Divorce proceedings will hurt everyone. They always do.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

  • Like 9
10thengineerharrison Established Member

10thengineerharrison

Posted
Posted
Not sure if anyone can tell him WHAT this about but himself. Well, if his wife is not stupid (a reasonable assumption to make about any human being) then he needn't tell her, because she is going to figure it out anyhow. So all the people in here who think not telling her is morally reprehensible, relax, she is going to put 2 plus 2 together.

 

I am relaxed. This isn't my life, after all.

 

It's still morally reprehensible to keep secrets like this from your spouse, whether she adds it all up herself or no.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

  • Like 3
waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

Posted
Posted

How will not telling her help your parenting? I just can't see it. As you say she suspects and will be 100% aware after the divorce, so how exactly will ending your marital relationship with a lie help your ability to be good co-parents?

  • Like 2
HermioneG Established Member

HermioneG

Posted
Posted (edited)
Two phenomenal idiots.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

 

I only agree with Perel's assertation that affairs are about what is missing in the wayward. She has very good insight into that, and then goes off road, never to return. She gets people talking, and that I like.

 

Her erotic connection stuff if bizarre, and her view of the truth, which dovetails with Kirschenbaum- is stupid. Straight up. Only people who lie think being lied to is a good thing. Seriously.

 

As my mamaw would say, something about acorns and sight impaired squirrels. ;)

Edited by HermioneG
  • Like 1
violet1 Established Member

violet1

Posted
Posted

If you're already planning divorce than I personally don't see a reason to tell her. That's just my opinion. Honestly, if my H wanted to leave me for an OW, I would just want him to get out and let me move on. I wouldn't want to know about the affair. I think it would be wise and live alone for at least a year. Don't rush playing house with the OW. That wouldn't be healthy for your children. Why did you wait for 4 years? I have a huge issue with people who wait so long to leave for the OW/OM. That's what's cruel IMO. You've wasted 4 years of her life. Hurry get the divorce and let your wife heal and move on.

  • Like 1
Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

Posted
Posted

So after 15 years together you don't respect your wife enough to tell the truth? Or are you worried about being labeled a liar and a cheat? What example are you showing your kids? You want to spare her pain but you were to weak to divorce her before the affair started. Now you can't face her with the truth leaving one relationship for another so you won't be alone. Co-parenting will be easier? My hero! I hope I can grow up one day and be just like you! It's called being selfish. If I were your STBXW I would dress up as a piece cake on Halloween and knock on your door!

  • Like 2
10thengineerharrison Established Member

10thengineerharrison

Posted
Posted
If you're already planning divorce than I personally don't see a reason to tell her.

 

Right, continue to manipulate her with lies to get what you want, never mind what she wants or your son might need.

 

That's just my opinion. Honestly, if my H wanted to leave me for an OW, I would just want him to get out and let me move on. I wouldn't want to know about the affair.

 

And if he did that, you wouldn't want to know why he did that? I don't get that.

 

I think it would be wise and live alone for at least a year. Don't rush playing house with the OW.

 

But by all means keep playing "hide the salami" for another year:D. Sorry!

 

That wouldn't be healthy for your children. Why did you wait for 4 years? I have a huge issue with people who wait so long to leave for the OW/OM. That's what's cruel IMO. You've wasted 4 years of her life. Hurry get the divorce and let your wife heal and move on.

 

Yes, and also be truthful for a change. Tell her WHY you want a divorce.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted

Tell her. It will help her revolve to hate you forever and fuel her resolve to move on from you.

fellini Established Member

fellini

Posted
Posted
Two phenomenal idiots.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

 

Wow Great argument. Perhaps we can request them to be stickys.

William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

Well, folks, since this new member made one post and logged out a minute after making it and hasn't returned, I'm going to close this up pending their return so they can process and respond as they see fit. I'd prefer to see the thread proceed if they do return and finding it trending to the hyperbolic conflicts with that. So, thanks for your input and we'll await more information/response from the thread starter.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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