Divorcing my wife, should I tell her about the OW?

May 22, 2014

After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

May 22, 2014

Nope. If your relationship is truly over with her, what's the point? It's not going to miraculously change her mind surely and you obviously aren't interested in reconciling with her. It would almost be like adding insult to injury if you say, "hey, I'm divorcing you AND I have a girlfriend that I've had the past four years".

If she asks you about the OW, and when your relationship started, I wouldn't lie to her. If she doesn't ask, then I wouldn't tell (it would be different if you were reconciling). If she asks you after you file for divorce, I would tell her when it started maybe and wouldn't give her any details.

As far as I can tell, if you are divorcing her, then she has no right to know anything more about your intimate relationships.

What would be your purpose in telling her? So that she can have closure? Divorce is pretty decent closure. You were obviously unhappy in your marriage, give her those reasons for the divorce - they are probably the legit reasons far more so than the fact that you have a girlfriend.

May 22, 2014

I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Please don't try to hide your moral cowardice behind good intentions.

You're not telling your wife because it's good for you. It certainly isn't good for her. Who are you to say what she can or cannot handle? People deserve the truth, and most people opt for a painful truth over being deceived. Why are you making this decision for her?

Giving someone the truth is one of the most basic forms of respect. You don't even respect your wife enough to do that. You presume she's too weak and that it's in her best interest for her to ignorant. How condescending.

You don't want to tell her because it'll hurt the kids. You've hurt your kids enough by conducting a 4 year affair and then divorcing their mother.

I know why you don't want to tell your wife. It's in YOUR best interest. It's for your convenience. You don't want to deal with her anger.

If you're going to be self-centred, have the balls to admit it. You're hiding the affair for yourself...only an idiot would believe you're doing it out of genuine concern for your wife and kids

May 22, 2014

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Ok, where's the camera? Are we being punk'd? What I think is, it's refreshing to see that you have some idea of what cruelty is.

It ONLY benefits YOU, which for the past 4 years is what has been the only deciding factor in how you've carried on in your personal life, in having an affair behind your wife's back, you know, the mother of your son? I think since you care so much that she not be devastated, you should have given her the same head start in finding her own relationship that you gave yourself, which was 4 years ago. Instead, you've sat by while she sounds like she's had to struggle with agonizing suspicions that you are cheating.

Now that you've decided to leave her for your affair partner, did the 4 years give you ample time to get your finances in a state that benefits you once divorce proceedings have begun? A known affair, especially with a child born of the marriage involved, ups the alimony and child support to a significant degree.

Please, PLEASE, do tell her about the affair. And if your affair partner is married, PLEASE, I dare you, tell her husband. Between the two of you, there is presumably houses involved and other financially significant things that could help the betrayed spouses once they both become, as you arrogantly assume, "devastated", by the knowledge of who they've really been tied up with is revealed. After all, you don't want to be cruel, do you?

May 22, 2014

What would be your purpose in telling her? So that she can have closure? Divorce is pretty decent closure. You were obviously unhappy in your marriage, give her those reasons for the divorce - they are probably the legit reasons far more so than the fact that you have a girlfriend.

...so she'll know a major reason for the divorce? The affair happened before the divorce. Why is she not entitled to know a truth affecting her life before divorce?

She's not entitled to knowing about OP's intimate relations after divorce. That's his own business. His intimate relations before divorce affected their marriage. She's entitled to know the truth of her marriage.

The only justification for OP to withhold the truth is his self-interest. Morally, telling her the truth would be the right thing to do. I'm pretty surprised someone would argue that continued hiding of the truth is morally superior...really?!

EDIT: I love the previous poster's suggestion. If your wife knows about the affair, she might be able to use that knowledge to get more money from you. It certainly wouldn't hurt her. Since you don't want to be cruel, I suggest you tell your wife about the affair

Edited May 22, 2014 by BeholdtheMan

May 22, 2014

Yes, tell her. She deserves to know ALL of why her marriage is ending. Your therapist friend is on the right track.

May 22, 2014

After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

Absolutely not.

It is impossibly cruel and is most definitely rubbing salt in the wound.

There is ZERO benefit to disclosure as you have decided to leave. Her knowing serves no beneficial purpose to ANYONE.

Keep this hidden.

Only disclose if you remain M or wish to attempt to R (reconcile) with your W.

As far as custody and raising your son - an A means squat - being a crappy H doesn't make you a crappy father. Seek legal advice from your attorney but I'm 99% certainly he or she will parrot my sentiment.

May 22, 2014

As far as custody and raising your son - an A means squat - being a crappy H doesn't make you a crappy father. Seek legal advice from your attorney but I'm 99% certainly he or she will parrot my sentiment.

I don't know about that, divorce attorneys are funny about this type of thing. I wonder if it's because they realize how much more drawn out and expensive a divorce where someone's cheating led to a divorce could be. Hmm. Let me think about it. Yes, I thought about it. His attorney will probably drool if he confesses to the affair. It could mean the difference between a new car and not a new car. And, with a child involved! Imagine all the back and forth phone calls she's going to make to her attorney where she justifiably demands that her STBXH not have the mistress for sleep overs until they're married.

Then again, he can pay his retainer, not confess, and keep his fingers very tightly crossed that the STBXW doesn't find out about the affair after all the fun proceedings get under way.

May 22, 2014

Therapists get paid for giving advice. Nobody on this board does as far as I know.

It's never too late to do the right thing.

You chose to have an affair. Own it. You've chosen to be a liar. Come clean. It's the right thing to do.

May 22, 2014

A large part of the reason you are divorcing her is because you want to be with your AP. Don't kid yourself. Tell her. After she knows she will probably be the first to file for divorce. She'll feel devastated by your betrayal for a long time, but she'll get over it, its better than spending a lifetime wondering why you divorced her. Do the decent thing, grow some balls! You sound pretty f%$#ing disgusting right now.

May 22, 2014

I don't know about that, divorce attorneys are funny about this type of thing. I wonder if it's because they realize how much more drawn out and expensive a divorce where someone's cheating led to a divorce could be. Hmm. Let me think about it. Yes, I thought about it. His attorney will probably drool if he confesses to the affair. It could mean the difference between a new car and not a new car. And, with a child involved!

Haha - yes, there maybe some truth to that.

The fault is mine - I was meaning to say that an A has no effect on custody. Disclosing can lead to one pizzed off W making life miserable for the guy however.

Imagine all the back and forth phone calls she's going to make to her attorney where she justifiably demands that her STBXH not have the mistress for sleep overs until they're married.

Not even one call. Can't legislate which woman he sees and when - at least not in my state. I know, because I asked for this very thing! Well, it was true several years ago anyway.

May 22, 2014

After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

Aw, I think it's sweet that you don't want to hurt your wife. That's really nice of you. You seem like a kind and thoughtful fellow, who's really looking out for what's best for her.

May 22, 2014

How do you plan to continue hiding that your relationship with the OW started 4 years earlier than you are publicly stating it did? Are you both going to be 100% able to maintain that lie by not even making mention of something that happened once years ago in some idle chat? I am asking this because my stepmother (who was previously my father's OW) would sometimes remember and talk about some event with my father which turned out to be whilst he and my mother were still married. Now even though I knew about the affair, it still hurt because it reminded me of the betrayal to my mother (and us kids). So you have children and if they hear some reminiscing going on, they could easily put two and two together. Is that how you want to be found out?

May 22, 2014

How do you plan to continue hiding that your relationship with the OW started 4 years earlier than you are publicly stating it did? Are you both going to be 100% able to maintain that lie by not even making mention of something that happened once years ago in some idle chat? I am asking this because my stepmother (who was previously my father's OW) would sometimes remember and talk about some event with my father which turned out to be whilst he and my mother were still married. Now even though I knew about the affair, it still hurt because it reminded me of the betrayal to my mother (and us kids). So you have children and if they hear some reminiscing going on, they could easily put two and two together. Is that how you want to be found out?

This is an excellent point. If you end up married to OW, at some point one of you is going to slip and you are going to be caught out about the beginning of the relationship.

People deserve to know why their lives are being torn apart.

May 22, 2014

Therapists get paid for giving advice. Nobody on this board does as far as I know.

It's never too late to do the right thing.

You chose to have an affair. Own it. You've chosen to be a liar. Come clean. It's the right thing to do.

Maybe they get paid for giving bad advice. The therapist of my WS told her to go home, talk to me about "her needs" but don't mention the EA she was having.

Actually she was going to see him to get his permission to go PA, so she ignored his advice to talk to me, and went PA, only to book another appointment with him with the two of us asking his advice on how to recover from her affair.

OP, no one here is going to tell you anything you don't already know, really. You'll get moral imperatives, you'll get this, you'll get that.

If you know that by getting together with your AP that your wife is going to know, then obviously it isn't really about telling her is it, it's about how she is going to find out: from you, or from deduction, or from the BS of the AP...

If I thought that you could divorce and end up with your AP and your ex would never know what truly went on, I'd say you have a point in not telling her. But I think she needs to be told something from you.

Not necessarily the "truth" the way a BS wants it from a WS doing R. But something that will allow her to understand her OWN divorce so that she might learn - or more importantly, not blame herself for something she is not to blame, so that she can heal, and even consider a new relationship for herself without false assumptions about her failed marriage. Your marriage is over, more or less that means nothing here, because your relationship with her is forever because you have a family together.

Edited May 22, 2014 by fellini

May 22, 2014

From Esther Perel, who is finally getting heard around LS, as she deserves, because she has an alternative perspective on infidelity that might help some people get past the classic betrayal/trauma model:

1. Honesty equals truth-telling and lying is deception. There is a pervasive notion in American culture that lying between spouses is inherently problematic. But could it be an act of caring? What if instead of equating respect with confessional honesty, we equated respect with the preservation of our partners' honor and peace of mind, even if that means telling gentle untruths. After all, isn't this why Sara never told Abraham that he was

old

and wrinkled? Ironically, this confessional interpretation of honesty disrespects the recipient of the information by failing to consider what it would be like for him/her to live with the disclosure. By contrast, other cultures do consider what it would be like for the recipient of the information to live with the burden of knowing. After all, honesty can be cruel. For that reason, I tell my clients that they should not say things that will stick to their partner's skin. Not everything needs to be said and not everything needs to be known because, let's face it: Truth and hostility often live side by side and not all honesty is salutary.

Read more:

5 Mistaken Assumptions About Long-Term Love | Esther Perel | YourTango

And a similar argument from Mira Hirshenbaum on "Why we have affairs":

TIME: Should you confess if you feel guilty about it?

No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'

m

a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth,

so

it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine.

So

I tell people, if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can. But confessing your affair is the kind of honesty that is unnecessarily destructive. There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you're having an affair and you haven't practiced safe sex, even if it's only one time, you have to tell. Again, the moral principle is minimizing the hurt. But this time, the greatest risk of hurt comes from inflicting a sexually transmitted disease, and I've never seen a relationship recover from that. You also have to tell if discovery is imminent or likely. If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first.

May 22, 2014

Everyone deserves the truth of their own life. Your wife has been sharing her spouse unwittingly for four year. For the sake of her health ( assuming you had sex with both) and in an act of true kindness, I encourage you to tell her. She will find peace with knowing the truth.

If you respect her as the mother of your child, you'll tell her. Actions prove this. Simply saying you want to be kind by not telling her is protective of you, not her.

May 22, 2014

Your therapist friend has academic training and the credentials to give you serious clinical advice on what is the proper thing to do. What you are getting here is opinions of amateurs, including myself. It's past the point of even discussing your affair, good luck with that. The two of you both came to each other as cheaters, you'll see if that fears it's ugly head again with you two. The mother of your children deserves some closure facts and truth that she has not received in four years. Don't be a coward!

And I suppose if his therapist friend had advised him NOT to disclose you would have said the same thing?

May 22, 2014

Telling or not telling, either way has its own consequences.

Im a fOW and he chose not to tell. We discussed it at length and he discussed it with his therapist. The difference is that you say you're leaving *for* the OW. My partner left only partly because do me, but he gave great consideration to their R problems and if they were fixable.

The downside is that your OW may have to remain a secret for a while. You'll have to carry on undercover for some time to keep up your charade. It's not easier this way, because that causes it's own problems and insecurities (and in a relationship formed with broken trust, insecurity is a huge burden to carry and work through).

The upside is that is will protect your and the OW's reputations, and save the BS some hurt. She's already hurting, probably struggling in a pretty significant way.

Succinctly, I'm in the don't tell camp. I do highly recommend you both get therapists of your own and ensure the communication in your relationship is extremely open and honest. You've got no hope if you're not discussing these things. Best of luck.

May 22, 2014

do you think it will hit her harder when she sees you with the OW when you pick up the kids or when you tell her about it?

Or how about when she's getting her hair done and the hairdresser says, "Oh, so I didn't know...so and so left you for that woman..."

Or maybe she should run into you both at the supermarket while your son is with her. Or maybe, just maybe your son should tell her how he is going to have a new mommy. That might make her feel better.

After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

May 22, 2014

Aw, I think it's sweet that you don't want to hurt your wife. That's really nice of you. You seem like a kind and thoughtful fellow, who's really looking out for what's best for her.

And I thought I was the only one dripping with sarcasm this morning. I'd better go get some coffee, I think....

May 22, 2014

do you think it will hit her harder when she sees you with the OW when you pick up the kids or when you tell her about it?

Or how about when she's getting her hair done and the hairdresser says, "Oh, so I didn't know...so and so left you for that woman..."

Or maybe she should run into you both at the supermarket while your son is with her. Or maybe, just maybe your son should tell her how he is going to have a new mommy. That might make her feel better.

If a person has a new SO almost immediately after separation I tend to assume that the relationship predated the separation in some fashion (even if only on an emotional level).

I am sure that your wife is not stupid and will put two and two together, unless you plan to keep OW hidden from sight for at least six months.

May 22, 2014

If a person has a new SO almost immediately after separation I tend to assume that the relationship predated the separation in some fashion (even if only on an emotional level).

I am sure that your wife is not stupid and will put two and two together, unless you plan to keep OW hidden from sight for at least six months.

Well again, as always, it all depends. We don't have much background, so let's just use an example.

If the marriage has been bad for both for a long time now, and divorce has been considered, or not talked about but understood as the inevitable conclusion (like in an Exit Affair), then I don't see why the OP can't just say, I met her recently and decided to push for the divorce so that i can get on with my life.

There is a big difference between telling your ex, this is a woman I met as we were moving toward divorce, and this is a woman I have had an affair with behind your back for the past 5 years. There are tactful ways to enlighten an ex and there are brutal. We have a phrase "brutally honest" for a reason.

May 22, 2014

After a four-year affair I am leaving my wife of 15 years for the OW. My wife never found out about the affair (though she's been suspicious) but probably won't be surprised when my relationship with the OW becomes public (the OW also left her husband). I know she'll be terribly hurt and will suspect we had an affair, but I have assumed it is best for our parenting situation for her not to find out about the affair.

My friend who is a therapist is insisting that I tell my soon-to-be ex-wife about the affair, saying she'll feel crazy and never be able to find closure unless I do. This seems cruel to me, like adding injury to insult. Why would I want to cause this pain when the relationship is over? Especially after I've been denying it for years? I feel like it would destroy our partnership in raising our son.

Anyway, what do you folks think? Thanks...

Why does your wife think you guys are divorcing? Does she think she is to blame? I guess I think you should tell her IF the following facts are true: 1) She thinks she is to blame for the break down and 2) You live in a state in which a judge will factor fault into the distribution of marital assets.

It is unfair to your wife, going forward, for her to think that she needs to change in some way to have successful relationships. If she believes that she is at fault, not the affair, then she will likely have a hard time grieving the end of the marriage and having future relationships. It is also unfair to deny her a significant "piece of the asset pool" if you damaged the marriage from infidelity.

If neither of those facts are at play...if you live in a state in which a judge will not render a decision factoring fault and your wife desires to leave the marriage for her own reasons, I don't think you need to go into details about your affair as the marriage is over.

It is a tricky game you are playing though...if you really want to keep this OW in your life, wouldn't it be better to come clean?

May 22, 2014

From a purely pragmatic standpoint, it would be best not to tell her until the divorce is final.

Depending on where you live, infidelity could be factored into the asset split and even alimony in some cases. Even if that is not a factor where you live, her knowing may result in a more contentious, lengthy - and costly - divorce.

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Divorcing my wife, should I tell her about the OW?

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