LOSTnMT Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I really need advice. It has been a couple years since I got out of a 14 year relationship where my ex cheated on me. I have been struggling to deal with this and haven't dated since the break up. We were never married. A few months ago I started talking to a woman that I vaguely knew from high school. She sent me a friend request on Facebook and we have been chatting almost weekly. She has been in an off again on again relationship for about a year and has asked me for advice on her situation. I have been honest with her and a couple weeks ago I noticed a change in myself. I am becoming attracted to a woman I have never really met, sure I have seen pictures of her and we have had some really good conversations. In fact some weeks ago she invited me to have drinks sometime but I live many hours from her. She says she finally broke it off with the guys shes been dating and this time shes is done. I sent her some flowers for Mothers Day she sent me a text saying I made her day and the following day she sent me a picture of the flowers and said they were beautiful. I try to be rational about things but I really want to tell this woman how I feel about her, but it doesn't feel right doing it in an email or on Facebook. I just want to relay that I find her very attractive and would really like to get to know her better, we have a lot of things in common. Ladies, would it freak you out if a guy told you that online as opposed to in person? I'm not going to go nuts and tell her I love her and want to get married, (I really don't have those feelings) just that I am very interested in her but my gut tells me different. Any advice is greatly appreciated and thank you
Scorpio Chick Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I'm very sorry your ex cheated on you, a 14 years long relationship is significant. I think this sounds so sweet and promising. You're both pretty much unattached, and she was gracious and very appreciative of the flowers you sent. HOW SWEET OF YOU, BY THE WAY! I think it's SOOO refreshing that you're even considering HOW to tell her something, or make it known, that you have some great awareness of not 'cheapening' something fairly significant right now by texting it or putting it down online. Do ya'll talk on the phone? I wouldn't make any declaration but I would ask her out. Don't let her come to you if she suggests it, insist on going to her, at least the first time. Please keep us posted, I hope ya'll have a wonderful first date!
Versacehottie Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Some girls like that you would kinda pour your heart out, online, on phone, in a text whatever. Others of us are different. Myself, I'm in the other camp, I would just prefer a date together and then have that be amazing and go from there. What's nice about that to me is that there's a magical element to it, where each person believes that their own effort, personality played a part and the actions can be more magnetic than a declaration. But honestly, that is just my opinion, my point of view. I know plenty of people who are enamoured with a declaration of sorts. I don't know but my guess is that your girl might be that type of girl. Just the whole fact that this has evolved on facebook tends to lean things in that direction. Good luck:)
Versacehottie Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 oops I forgot to say, as it is a common mistake in online dating (not that this is that but kinda applies since you only vaguely remember her and haven't met in person yet): a declaration will kind of over-promise things whereas just going on a date and seeing where things go and what the real chemistry is like without major buildup and expectation. You know, if case things just aren't as great as you had hoped they would be. That's a safe option for that reason. 1
halfcrazed_i Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Can you perhaps take your "online" relationship another level -- and start talking over the phone? Or video chat? While it's always more ideal to tell one's feelings face to face, if distance is a problem, I think it's better to be done by a real conversation (as opposed to a written one).
Assasda Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I really need advice. It has been a couple years since I got out of a 14 year relationship where my ex cheated on me. I have been struggling to deal with this and haven't dated since the break up. We were never married. A few months ago I started talking to a woman that I vaguely knew from high school. She sent me a friend request on Facebook and we have been chatting almost weekly. She has been in an off again on again relationship for about a year and has asked me for advice on her situation. I have been honest with her and a couple weeks ago I noticed a change in myself. I am becoming attracted to a woman I have never really met, sure I have seen pictures of her and we have had some really good conversations. In fact some weeks ago she invited me to have drinks sometime but I live many hours from her. She says she finally broke it off with the guys shes been dating and this time shes is done. I sent her some flowers for Mothers Day she sent me a text saying I made her day and the following day she sent me a picture of the flowers and said they were beautiful. I try to be rational about things but I really want to tell this woman how I feel about her, but it doesn't feel right doing it in an email or on Facebook. I just want to relay that I find her very attractive and would really like to get to know her better, we have a lot of things in common. Ladies, would it freak you out if a guy told you that online as opposed to in person? I'm not going to go nuts and tell her I love her and want to get married, (I really don't have those feelings) just that I am very interested in her but my gut tells me different. Any advice is greatly appreciated and thank you Never tell the girl that you love her, especially in the begining. You want to show her that you love her. So go out with her. Its really hard to truely love someone when, you havent been out with them
todreaminblue Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 You have to go with how you feel comfortable and natural......if it is online do that if it is in person do that.....the best way is when you feel comfortable..then she will feel comfortable.......comfortability and natural behavior sets a good tone and vibe for future meetings or planned meetings dont do anything you feel unsure of.......your gut says no what is it saying no to?
Author LOSTnMT Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 My gut tells me to do this in person and not online, that is what I meant, not the way it looks in my previous post. That part of my gut is saying go after this beautiful person and deal with how ever it turns out!
jeanne_girl Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 My gut tells me to do this in person and not online, that is what I meant, not the way it looks in my previous post. That part of my gut is saying go after this beautiful person and deal with how ever it turns out! Ask her out and see how things are going. Don't add any pressure to it. Just to meet her and talk for a bit.
Author LOSTnMT Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I appreciate most of the comments and it really helped, thank you for the comments
Author LOSTnMT Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I'm very sorry your ex cheated on you, a 14 years long relationship is significant. I think this sounds so sweet and promising. You're both pretty much unattached, and she was gracious and very appreciative of the flowers you sent. HOW SWEET OF YOU, BY THE WAY! I think it's SOOO refreshing that you're even considering HOW to tell her something, or make it known, that you have some great awareness of not 'cheapening' something fairly significant right now by texting it or putting it down online. Do ya'll talk on the phone? I wouldn't make any declaration but I would ask her out. Don't let her come to you if she suggests it, insist on going to her, at least the first time. Please keep us posted, I hope ya'll have a wonderful first date! Well, tonight we talked on the phone and I finally asked her out. The response wasnt what I expected. She friendzoned me and said she is in a weird place right now since breaking up with the guy shes been dating off and on. She went on to say that she liked talking to me and wants to try and be friends even though now there will be some weirdness between us. I asked her why she mentioned going out for drinks a few weeks ago and now she changed her mind, her comment was when she sent me that message she immediately thought it might come across as her wanting to be more than friends and she wished she hadn't said that. Thanks again for the comments they were awesome, but this time it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I probably shouldn't be dating anyway and its for the best. All yall take care and I wish you the best!
jeanne_girl Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I'm sorry about that. I don't agree with you. There's plenty of fish in the sea
ChooseTruth Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 How far away is she? Can you date? If not, skype? phone? Don't be afraid to ask. But yeah I wouldn't go making declarations yet, things can be weird if you meet in person and it's not what you expect.
Author LOSTnMT Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I have been thinking all week about this woman and how everything worked out after talking to her and I just can't get her off my mind. In fact its worse now than before. I know I haven't dated in quite a while and I am probably not being honest with myself about how lonely I really am. I work a lot to keep myself occupied but I really do miss having someone. I have been thinking of writing her a letter telling her how I feel and why I am thinking of her. The worst she can do is not talk to me which is not that much less than what I have now. Good or bad idea?
Snagglepuss89 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Very bad idea. You made how you feel towards her pretty clear when you asked her out. She said no, the only thing doing this will accomplish is making the both of you feel worse, and potentially causing greater conflict. Don't make her reject you more than once. If you need to, tell her that you need a bit of space and go no contact for awhile. Trust me, as someone who's been in your situation before (Only far more deeply into the hole than you are now, stop digging) you need to let this one go. The thinking about her won't go away immediately, it'll be rough, but the hard truth is this is one sided. Pursuing it further will only lead to pain. Edited May 27, 2014 by Snagglepuss89 typo 1
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