BF doesn't want me to go to party with him

[Keenly]

 

Plus he should be putting your feelings before his own.

 

 

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. For both genders.

 

 

An abusers wet dream.

[Leigh 87]

I am familiar with your post history. And again I say, you have a very naive view of love and relationships.

 

 

Cool. Yet I am the one who has a bf who is crazy about me treats me like gold and who didn't need to date other women after he met me.

 

I have a lot of experience. I know better than most how to pick men that are truly interested and invested.

 

If I am so naive, then why am I the women who won't put up with sub par treatment anymore?

 

I am a lot better off than women who welcome men who don't like them enough when they first meet to cancel their account.

 

Trust me, it is A LOT nicer and more fun filled to have a relationship where the guy is actually into you from the start, loses interest immediately in other women and continues to adore you for months to follow?

 

I think that It's a lot nicer to have than to settle for a man who meets you and then needs to continue searching for women online.

 

I have had friends and family commend me the last guy and also my current boyfriend. They were astounded how I can now pick men who are nuts about me and and treat me so well. They all wished they could find such a guy.

 

I was once like the OP and I settled for men who just weren't into me. I am urging her to identify him going online as a show that she didn't exactly compel him to want to focus on her and see how that pans out before dating other women.

 

I find men who continue to search for otherskonce they meet you, NOT to be that into you.

 

My view of love is far fr narrow. I just wait for people who adore me to come alone. I wait to have it all: the instant connection and chemistry with a guy who is quiet well nuts about me for date one who I feel the same way about......waiting to have it all from a guy doesn't mean I don't approve of others.... my friends . .. going after anything SHORT of a guy that is crazy about them.... it just isn't for me.

 

Call me naive all you want. I am blissfully happy and smiling like an idiot every day. My method if finding love has proved successful time around.

[Leigh 87]

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. For both genders.

 

 

An abusers wet dream.

 

 

That is a sign of true love to me.

 

I would gladly sacrifice my own well being in order to put my boyfriends needs first. I'd give up say, travel him in a heartbbeat if he has a real gripe with me going overseas so often. Hands down I would rather be dirt poor for life and get to be with him than to have a comfortable life filledwwith travel and the other things I also love...yet without him.

 

The OPS guy wouldn't even take her feelings into consideration when she voiced a concern. I hope that when she talks to him about all this that he is attentive and kind to her. Within reason, but she IS being reasonable here!

 

I don't think she is asking too mmuch from this guy. There are plenty of like minded men who she can date if he is just not on the same page as her.

 

I just find it really nice the way he puts my needs before his own when we are together. There is not always an abusive element.

[Million.to.1]

Leigh, I have to agree that your views are sometimes quite one dimensional.

I think we all agree that OP's BF's actions are very troublesome and concerning at this time... But saying that he should be jumping around with and "absolutely ecstatic" about the arrival of an unplanned child is actually really naive.

 

Having faced an unplanned pregnancy myself, I know the lengths of questions one faces within themselves with such a life changing decision and the many complications that are involved for both parties. Just because two people are "in love and can afford it" doesn't mean that unplanned pregnancy should be automatically seen as a happy event for everyone. In my situation, I wanted the baby, but the baby's father REALLY didn't. I would have been a solo mum, and I would of had a child that probably wouldn't know their dad. I didn't want that for a child... At the end of the day, it was my decision, but the experience really made me question my morality on the "my body my choice" thing. It's not just about my body you see... it's about at least 3 peoples whole lives.

Basically, with a pregnancy, if two people are in different minds on the outcome of it, one person has to concede to the other. There will always be buried resentment between them as a result.

My mother had an abortion after I was born at my fathers wishes. Even though they are still together and happy.. She has never really gotten over it.

 

It's really about how we deal with outcomes we didn't choose that show our true character.

 

In this situation, the OP made the ultimate decision to continue with the pregnancy, despite her BF's desire not to. They both now have to live with the knowledge that he never wanted this little person and that's kinda weird to have to know that, forever, if you really think about. He is probably feeling massive amounts of guilt, denial, fear, self-doubt and that is what is making him act like a child himself.

I'm not condoning it. He needs help. And so does the OP.

 

This guy is not an evil monster. He is scared and confused and doesn't realise what he is doing...

 

OP... My heart goes out to you. This must be an awful time. Look after you and your baby. Eat well, do yoga, treat yourself like the queen you are.

Give your BF the opportunity to pull his socks up. He must tell his friends. He needs to get a grip on this and decide whether he's going to be with you and be a dad or not, because I think he is still struggling with whether he can/wants to.

 

Really heartbreaking.

[Leigh 87]

Uh huh if he is truly in love with her and they can afford to raise a child then there is no good reason as to WHY he'd not be happy about it.

 

Unless he was staunchly against kids.

 

My views from knowing many men.

 

I've never met a guy who coul afford a child and was wit a woman he was crazy in love with and WAS NOT happy about having a child with the woman he loved very much.

 

The only instances where a man that was truly in love was NOTthrilled about the child was wwhen they were too poor to afford once.....

[you_can_not_see_me]

Uh huh if he is truly in love with her and they can afford to raise a child then there is no good reason as to WHY he'd not be happy about it.

 

Unless he was staunchly against kids.

 

My views from knowing many men.

 

I've never met a guy who coul afford a child and was wit a woman he was crazy in love with and WAS NOT happy about having a child with the woman he loved very much.

 

The only instances where a man that was truly in love was NOTthrilled about the child was wwhen they were too poor to afford once.....

The mere fact that you use "madly in love" so much shows you live in fantasy land.

[snowflakes88]

Cool. Yet I am the one who has a bf who is crazy about me treats me like gold and who didn't need to date other women after he met me.

 

I have a lot of experience. I know better than most how to pick men that are truly interested and invested.

 

If I am so naive, then why am I the women who won't put up with sub par treatment anymore?

 

I am a lot better off than women who welcome men who don't like them enough when they first meet to cancel their account.

 

Trust me, it is A LOT nicer and more fun filled to have a relationship where the guy is actually into you from the start, loses interest immediately in other women and continues to adore you for months to follow?

 

I think that It's a lot nicer to have than to settle for a man who meets you and then needs to continue searching for women online.

 

I have had friends and family commend me the last guy and also my current boyfriend. They were astounded how I can now pick men who are nuts about me and and treat me so well. They all wished they could find such a guy.

 

I was once like the OP and I settled for men who just weren't into me. I am urging her to identify him going online as a show that she didn't exactly compel him to want to focus on her and see how that pans out before dating other women.

 

I find men who continue to search for otherskonce they meet you, NOT to be that into you.

 

My view of love is far fr narrow. I just wait for people who adore me to come alone. I wait to have it all: the instant connection and chemistry with a guy who is quiet well nuts about me for date one who I feel the same way about......waiting to have it all from a guy doesn't mean I don't approve of others.... my friends . .. going after anything SHORT of a guy that is crazy about them.... it just isn't for me.

 

Call me naive all you want. I am blissfully happy and smiling like an idiot every day. My method if finding love has proved successful time around.

 

I'm sorry Leigh, but I really don't care. LOL. My opinion isn't changing.

[somedude81]

Uh huh if he is truly in love with her and they can afford to raise a child then there is no good reason as to WHY he'd not be happy about it.

 

Unless he was staunchly against kids.

 

My views from knowing many men.

 

I've never met a guy who could afford a child and was wit a woman he was crazy in love with and WAS NOT happy about having a child with the woman he loved very much.

 

The only instances where a man that was truly in love was NOTthrilled about the child was when they were too poor to afford once.....

Having a child is a major life changing event.

 

It is also something that should absolutely be planned, especially the first one.

 

The most common reaction for a guy when he finds out his GF is pregnant with their first child, that is also unplanned, is shock and panic. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much he loves his GF and if he could afford to raise the child or not.

[cif]

Having a child is a major life changing event.

 

It is also something that should absolutely be planned, especially the first one.

 

The most common reaction for a guy when he finds out his GF is pregnant with their first child, that is also unplanned, is shock and panic. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much he loves his GF and if he could afford to raise the child or not.

 

What if he asks her to have an abortion-as with the OP- does he really love her then? Shock and panic are understandable but not wanting the child reflects on his feelings towards the mother, right?

[KatZee]

What if he asks her to have an abortion-as with the OP- does he really love her then? Shock and panic are understandable but not wanting the child reflects on his feelings towards the mother, right?

 

I mean, it obviously does. He can't even tell his friends about this baby. He wanted her to abort it, and refuses to really even acknowledge it outside of his home.

[alyss]

He went to the party last night. He didn't spend the night, he came home about 3AM. I saw on his facebook (he always leaves it open and the conversations open) that he was going to sleep inside on the friends couch. He also told everyone there that I'm pregnant.

 

I didn't go. He said I could go the day before but I didn't really want to at that point and had to stay home with the dogs because the person who was going to watch them couldn't.

 

I don't really get why he said I couldn't go because he didn't want to tell people I was pregnant, then told everyone there that I was. He also told a friend before going to the party while they were on skype. I was sitting in the same room and instead of him saying it outloud, he typed it to his friend, then said "not really, but it's happening" out loud, then typed some more. I could tell what they were talking about just from hearing that. I didn't read the conversation. Immediately after my BF told me he told that friend, so... He won't tell anyone I'm pregnant while I'm there. I don't get it. I'll be pretty upset if he's telling everyone he doesn't want our son. That seems very rude to me and it feels like he talking about us (our son and I) behind my back.

[somedude81]

What if he asks her to have an abortion-as with the OP- does he really love her then? Shock and panic are understandable but not wanting the child reflects on his feelings towards the mother, right?

 

That's such a huge question and I don't want to get into it.

 

I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if I got my ex pregnant before she dumped me.

 

First of all, I would be shocked and panicked. I know that none of us are in a place in terms of finances and maturity to raise a child. It would just be chaos.

 

I absolutely do not want a child right now. Even if we were still dating, I would not want a child right now.

[ascendotum]

What if he asks her to have an abortion-as with the OP- does he really love her then? Shock and panic are understandable but not wanting the child reflects on his feelings towards the mother, right?

 

Yes & No.

It might mean the guy does not see long term potential in the woman. She's a nice person but she is not his ideal for someone to spend the rest of his life with or be a mother to his children. Maybe they think she is an awesome person, but have only been with 1 or 2 women and really want to experience life more before choosing one woman to spend the rest of their life with.

 

Lots of guys would not be happy if their gf of 6 mths sprung it on them that she was pregnant and was keeping it regardless of his feelings. Just like many women would not be happy if their bf of 6 mths said he took a new job promotion in a city on the other side of the country and expected her to automatically move with him. She might love the guy, but she has her own hopes & dreams as to how she wants to live her life.

 

They may think she is great and see a long term future with her, but are not ready to settle into domestic life so soon. They want to enjoy foot loose fancy free times with her for a number of years first. Clubbing, dinner parties, hanging out with friends in nice restaurants & bars, music festivals, weekend getaways, overseas hiking trip together, going sailing or rally driving on weekends, saving for a nice car, or a nice house, or a business he wants to start,or focusing on their careers, etc. They have other priorities in their life for next x number of years and they still want to be with her, but want to plan their destiny. They wont want babies with her at 23 but will be fine to start having them at 30.

[Million.to.1]

He went to the party last night. He didn't spend the night, he came home about 3AM. I saw on his facebook (he always leaves it open and the conversations open) that he was going to sleep inside on the friends couch. He also told everyone there that I'm pregnant.

 

I didn't go. He said I could go the day before but I didn't really want to at that point and had to stay home with the dogs because the person who was going to watch them couldn't.

 

I don't really get why he said I couldn't go because he didn't want to tell people I was pregnant, then told everyone there that I was. He also told a friend before going to the party while they were on skype. I was sitting in the same room and instead of him saying it outloud, he typed it to his friend, then said "not really, but it's happening" out loud, then typed some more. I could tell what they were talking about just from hearing that. I didn't read the conversation. Immediately after my BF told me he told that friend, so... He won't tell anyone I'm pregnant while I'm there. I don't get it. I'll be pretty upset if he's telling everyone he doesn't want our son. That seems very rude to me and it feels like he talking about us (our son and I) behind my back.

 

 

Well... yes. Hmmmmm.

 

I really think it's up to you now whether or not you stay with this guy. You have made the decision to continue with a pregnancy that your BF didn't / doesn't want or choose at this time, and unfortunately, that's means you take on the lions share of the responsibility for that outcome.

 

When you decided to continue with this pregnancy, regardless of what your boyfriend wanted, did you ever consider that you might have to parent alone? that this decision might end your relationship? Were these considerations in your decision?

 

I have made a similar decision myself, so i'm not without an understanding of a situation like this....

[MidwestUSA]

"not really, but it's happening". It's all too clear to me what he was responding to.

 

How did you read him on that one, OP?

[starrynightz45]

He went to the party last night. He didn't spend the night, he came home about 3AM. I saw on his facebook (he always leaves it open and the conversations open) that he was going to sleep inside on the friends couch. He also told everyone there that I'm pregnant.

 

I didn't go. He said I could go the day before but I didn't really want to at that point and had to stay home with the dogs because the person who was going to watch them couldn't.

 

I don't really get why he said I couldn't go because he didn't want to tell people I was pregnant, then told everyone there that I was. He also told a friend before going to the party while they were on skype. I was sitting in the same room and instead of him saying it outloud, he typed it to his friend, then said "not really, but it's happening" out loud, then typed some more. I could tell what they were talking about just from hearing that. I didn't read the conversation. Immediately after my BF told me he told that friend, so... He won't tell anyone I'm pregnant while I'm there. I don't get it. I'll be pretty upset if he's telling everyone he doesn't want our son. That seems very rude to me and it feels like he talking about us (our son and I) behind my back.

 

 

Yea, sounds like he finally caved in and had to admit to his friends that you're pregnant. But deep down, you know darn well he's still not happy about it and was still trying to keep you away. His "not really but its happening" doesn't sound like a supportive father who is willing to be there with you.

 

It's easier said than done, but this guy is a jerk and you need to decide if it's worth staying with him. Again, there was no justifiable reason for him to not want you to go. I'd seek out friends/family right now if I were you, because I don't think he's going to be much support.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yea, sounds like he finally caved in and had to admit to his friends that you're pregnant. But deep down, you know darn well he's still not happy about it and was still trying to keep you away. His "not really but its happening" doesn't sound like a supportive father who is willing to be there with you.

 

It's easier said than done, but this guy is a jerk and you need to decide if it's worth staying with him. Again, there was no justifiable reason for him to not want you to go. I'd seek out friends/family right now if I were you, because I don't think he's going to be much support.

 

This, x100. Sadly, I think you're going to be doing a lot of the parenting on your own.