d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 It's one thing if you didn't want to go. I may even be able to deal with it if he could articulate a good reason WHY he doesn't want you to go. For example: I hate camping. If my husband wanted to go on a co-ed camping trip & expressed the preference that I not go because he was afraid I'd be a whiney downer (a very real possibility if I was forced to go camping) I'd think about staying home at his request. However, if I had any doubts about my ability to trust him on this camping adventure, I'd be there with a smile plastered on my face (& a plan B to leave once I confirmed I had nothing to worry about). In fact my husband was supposed to go on a co-ed camping trip this weekend & I was thrilled I didn't have to go. lol In the end, it should be your decision to go or not since you were invited in previous years. If you weren't invited this year he needs to revisit why his friends are excluding his GF. I'd keep talking to him. Be calm. With a little honey (rather than vinegar) I bet you can talk yourself into an invitation.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I just asked him why he doesn't want me to go and he said "Mostly because I don't want to have to tell people you're pregnant. Because you don't know everyone going. And because "so and so" will be there (girls he's ****ed)". You need to ask him flat-out why he is hiding your pregnancy. This is a huge red flag and would trouble me a lot. Really, really not good. 2
starrynightz45 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I just asked him why he doesn't want me to go and he said "Mostly because I don't want to have to tell people you're pregnant. Because you don't know everyone going. And because "so and so" will be there (girls he's ****ed)". You are so incredibly justified in being upset, I hope you know and believe that! 1. Why on earth would he not want his friends to know you're PREGNANT? It's not like it just happened - you're pretty far along! This is REALLY, really concerning. In no way is it ok for him to want you to stay home so he can hide your pregnancy 2. You don't know everyone going. Ok - so..does that mean anytime you two go out together you both have to know everyone there otherwise somebody has to stay home? That's ridiculous. So what if you don't know everyone? Does he not think you're capable of interaction with people you don't necessarily know? This is nonsense. 3. Why would girls he's ****** being there, be a reason for him to NOT want you to go? If he's not planning on talking/flirting/doing anything with these girls - wouldn't he WANT you there? It's not like you're going to start a fight. If anything he should know you would feel more comfortable being there, than knowing he's doing an overnight thing with girls he's had sex with. I'm really curious what you plan to do about this. He's being just out of this world unreasonable and inconsiderate. 1
kaylan Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Its a shame OP is preggo and therefore stuck with this guy in her life even if the relationship doesnt work out. Because I can only forsee this guys behavior getting worse, and OP sticking it out with him because she doesnt want to break the potential family unit. Seriously...I mean this early on and this guy thinks its fine to hide your pregnancy from his friends? He thinks its ok to go party for a weekend around some girl he used to screw? OP, if he goes on this trip without you, then you must dump him. Because the bad behavior wont stop. Plus youll always be wondering if he cheated. Plus I wouldnt put it past him to do it in the future. 3
MidwestUSA Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 It's one thing if you didn't want to go. I may even be able to deal with it if he could articulate a good reason WHY he doesn't want you to go. In the end, it should be your decision to go or not since you were invited in previous years. If you weren't invited this year he needs to revisit why his friends are excluding his GF. I'd keep talking to him. Be calm. With a little honey (rather than vinegar) I bet you can talk yourself into an invitation. I think he has articulated his reason pretty well. So on top of all that stress, it's up to OP to butter him up and what - guilt trip, nag, or whatever him into taking her along? It is HIM that doesn't want her there! No, this isn't on OP to fix. 6
Taramere Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I think he has articulated his reason pretty well. So on top of all that stress, it's up to OP to butter him up and what - guilt trip, nag, or whatever him into taking her along? It is HIM that doesn't want her there! No, this isn't on OP to fix. I totally agree. As if getting an invitation to this gathering of people who don't want her there is some sort of glittering prize that she should be aspiring to. Please. Some disputes are best fixed with a little honey, but in this case it's not so much a dispute as a case of complete and utter disrespect. When somebody shows you that, responding with honey is likely to get you stung over and over again by that person. 2
Omei Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) OP his reasons are weird, I would let your pregnancy cat out of the bag and just go to the party and see how he acts after, if you were invited just go for the fact that you don't want to hide your pregnancy anymore. If you got an invitation its your choice not his and you can still go, I would. As far along as you are people need to know I think its clear he wants to hide it because maybe he doesn't plan to even stay with this child? I can think of no other reason if you go to this party and friends find out then family in the weeks that follow you will soon find out if you're going to have this man's full support or not with with this baby I think its passed just a party now. Just show up with a smile be polite if your bf is a grump just talk with someone else for the night people ask are you pregnant go why yes I am etc dont be forced to be some secrect you want this to be known I fear that he wants to find some way to wiggle out of caring for the child since its a secrect I could be wrong hope I am. Edited May 22, 2014 by Omei
Author alyss Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 He said he doesn't want to tell people because it's embarrassing that I got pregnant unplanned. That's a decent reason I guess, but not a reason to never tell people.
MidwestUSA Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He said he doesn't want to tell people because it's embarrassing that I got pregnant unplanned. That's a decent reason I guess, but not a reason to never tell people. I can see holding off for a few weeks, while the news sinks in. But at 20 weeks? I feel for you; best of luck, whatever happens. 2
KatZee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I just asked him why he doesn't want me to go and he said "Mostly because I don't want to have to tell people you're pregnant. Because you don't know everyone going. And because "so and so" will be there (girls he's ****ed)". As crappy as this is going to sound... I think he's going to bounce once the baby comes. This screams, "Dead Beat Dad." I have agree with Leigh on this one unfortunately. He's not even remotely happy about this baby and I don't think he's showing you he loves you enough to even enter this next stage of life with you. He doesn't want to tell his friends your pregnant, he doesn't want his friends finding out... after dating for THREE YEARS, I would think you'd know these people. Instead it almost seems like he's compartmentalized his life. You on one side, his friends and everything else on the other. A person who plans on running and who doesn't have any intention of sticking around has no reason to tell his friends that his girlfriend is pregnant. 4
Dudette Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I am very sorry you have to live through this. When we're pregnant we are at our most vulnerable. I cannot imagine being pregnant this far along and the father of my baby is ashamed, doesn't support me and now rejects me. I hope you have family to support and love you through this. Here's an idea, let him go to his party, help him pack, kiss him good bye. Once he's out the door pack, take everything you need and leave.
KatZee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He said he doesn't want to tell people because it's embarrassing that I got pregnant unplanned. That's a decent reason I guess, but not a reason to never tell people. That's a decent reason? That's not even remotely 1/8th of a reason. It's an excuse. I'm not quite understanding what's so "embarrassing" about it. I'd say for every planned pregnancy there are probably 3 unplanned ones. It's not like they're so uncommon or like you're both teenagers. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I would be devastated if I fell pregnant in a few years and my partner wasn't elated.. and rushing to tell his family! Does he not like kids? Before you fell pregnant, how did he feel about kids? If he always wanted them and you can afford a child, it is a HUGE red flag that he isn't excited about it.... If he is truly in love with you and he did want kids and you two can afford one, DON'T you think it makes more sense for him to be thrilled about a baby that him/the woman he loves created? Having a baby with the woman they love like they have never loved anyone else is almost ALWAYS a very joyful thing for MOST men. The men who want kids that is. Please consider this. Hiding your pregnancy from friends? HUGE red flag!
Author alyss Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 He was perfectly fine not having kids or having them. He probably would have preferred not to have them, and he said he'd rather adopt than have his own. He doesn't completely hate the idea of having this baby. He named him right away, asks how "his boy" is doing after appointments, puts his hand on my stomach. He wanted me to have an abortion and we booked the appointment but just because it's an option given to women doesn't mean it's an option every woman can do. He keeps saying not to be mad at him [for not wanting me to go]. He knows it makes me uncomfortable but doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about it.
Leigh 87 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 He was perfectly fine not having kids or having them. He probably would have preferred not to have them, and he said he'd rather adopt than have his own. My boyfriend is the same and so was my ex...they wouldn't be devastated if they didn't have kids, but they would rather have them. Both men would make fantastic fathers though and would be hands on and love their role as a father once the kids came along though, I am positive of it.. He doesn't completely hate the idea of having this baby. He named him right away, asks how "his boy" is doing after appointments, puts his hand on my stomach. It sounds like he is trying to warm up to the idea. He still doesn't feel happy about it, because if he was that thrilled with the idea, he would absolutely inform his friends of the "good news"... He wanted me to have an abortion and we booked the appointment but just because it's an option given to women doesn't mean it's an option every woman can do. You have every right to have this baby, it IS yours after all, your boyfriend has no say over what you do with your body. You can make this work with or without a man in your life. You and this baby can have a wonderful life without your boyfriend, if you two are to split up. Just know that everything will turn out alright and single mothers can still very much enjoy bringing up their child. Single. He keeps saying not to be mad at him [for not wanting me to go]. He knows it makes me uncomfortable but doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about it. There is something awfully wrong here... You sound nice, you don't sound at all unreasonable.. You just don't want your boyfriend to hang out with girls he has had sex with in the past, if YOU are not invited! Most women would be livid! Plus he should be putting your feelings before his own. My boyfriend puts my feelings before his own because that is what true love is, in my humble opinion. My background, so you know where my advice is coming from, is based on having had two long term boyfriends lasting over two years each, and a new boyfriend I have been dating for half a year now. PLUS a lot of dating in between relationships! I also read on here a lot... I know what men who truly love and respect their girlfriends act like. They would NOT go ahead with plans if their girlfriend would be uncomfortable.... Please re consider what you need out of this relationship. Tell your boyfriend what you need from him, and explain that if he is unable to deliver that hen you will remain unhappy in the relationship and you are better off alone. Without him. You obviously need a man who will stop his plans if he knows you are very uncomfortable with them. Well, tell him this. Your feelings should be PARAMOUNT to him, within reason. And NO ONE on here is saying that it is UNREASONABLE to expect your boyfriend to invite you along to a scenario where alcohol AND girls he has previously banged, are involved. You are better off alone if you cannot find a man who adores you and is considerate of your feelings.
KatZee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I think the party isn't even the issue here anymore. You have much larger problems with this person. Neither of you are on the same page...you're not even in the same book. There is way more to discuss than this party. I think if he does wind up staying with you, he's eventually going to come to resent you because of this. He flat out asked you to have an abortion! This baby is legit UNWANTED by him. How do you even feel about that? Staying with a person who wants nothing to do with this child? And that will have to "warm up" to him once he arrives? 8
Leigh 87 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 And that will have to "warm up" to him once he arrives? ten characters 1
cif Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I agree it's weird that he didn't give her a reason. But if he was planning on cheating, would he be doing it in a group of close friends? They've been together for 3 years and she's pregnant. Would his friends allow him to do that, or talk him out of it? If I saw one of my friends getting too flirty with another woman, while he had a pregnant girlfriend at home, I'd pull him aside and ask him what the hell he was doing. I would too. However, OP must not feel his friends are responsible enough to stop him from crossing lines or she wouldn't be this worried. Doesn't even sound like she trusts her own BF.
Leigh 87 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I wouldn't be the least bit worried if my boyfriend went camping for a week with a girl he previously slept with. It would be totally out of character for him though since he doesn't maintain any contact with those women at all. The women he slept with was his old school friends from 15 years back so I would be fine with letting him catch up with one or two women he had slept with previously, but the only context he would get together with such women would be for some sort of epic catch up for his old school mates. Most women he hooked up with are now married, however, so... Why is your boyfriend hanging out with these women he has hooked up with? Is it a random catch up or does he regularly text and chat to them on social media? In any case, I personally wouldn't fret at all. At ALL if my boyfriend was in that position, since I have had my fair share of jerks and can tell a loyal and devoted men when I come across one. At age 23 though or even as little as a year or two ago.... I frankly wouldn't be able to tell a decent, loyal man from the liars. It is fairly recent that I am very confident in my decisions with men. Do you have much relationship experience? Even after two long term relationships I was unsure as to HOW a guy should act when he is truly invested. It could be a learnt trait and perhaps you are just not aware of your partners true nature. It could be your age or lack of experience. Perhaps you are naïve in spite of having prior relationship experience. Basically, many of us women on here could have our boyfriends/husbands go away with friends, where girls they had previously hooked up with present, and NOT worry. Why are you worried? What brought you here? I wouldn't be on here if my boyfriend was in this position because there would be a clear cut explanation as to WHY he needed to see women from his past. It would just add up. Please have a think about trust and how reliable you rate your own bullsh*t detector...........
Omei Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) As crappy as this is going to sound... I think he's going to bounce once the baby comes. This screams, "Dead Beat Dad." I have agree with Leigh on this one unfortunately. He's not even remotely happy about this baby and I don't think he's showing you he loves you enough to even enter this next stage of life with you. He doesn't want to tell his friends your pregnant, he doesn't want his friends finding out... after dating for THREE YEARS, I would think you'd know these people. Instead it almost seems like he's compartmentalized his life. You on one side, his friends and everything else on the other. A person who plans on running and who doesn't have any intention of sticking around has no reason to tell his friends that his girlfriend is pregnant. This is why I suggests she gos to the party so everyone finds out if anything maybe family and friends comments towards him after knowing will have some kind of impact. Maybe even not allow him to run out on her and take responsibility. Go to the party! At least make sure his parents know they may he supportive of their grandchild even if he isn't. Edited May 23, 2014 by Omei
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) He said he doesn't want to tell people because it's embarrassing that I got pregnant unplanned. That's a decent reason I guess, but not a reason to never tell people. He seems to be trying to run away from the realities of this situation. He's going to be a father in a few months time, and he hasn't told any of his friends. They'll find out sooner or later and unless they're extremely unusual people I should think they'll find it ludicrous and concerning that he neglected to tell any of them about this very important event in his life. This camping trip is bringing it all to a head now, but still he's trying to conceal his true life situation from his friends. From what you're saying, he's asking you to collude with him in that concealment - and not to be mad with him for asking that of you. Asking you not to be angry for treating the baby growing inside you like a shameful secret. His behaviour is shameful in every way, really. He's being shameful to you, a shameful father to the child you're going to have - and a pretty dubious friend too, by hiding something like this from his social circle. He talks about not wanting to tell his friends on account of the pregnancy being unplanned, but by this stage in your pregnancy I should have thought they will be far more judgemental about his failure to tell them "by the way, my long term girlfriend and I are going to have a baby in about four months." Unless they're the type of friends who enable the kind of avoidant and irresponsible attitude he's been showing....and that seems unlikely since he obviously fears their judgement enough to keep this important information from them. People are going to think he's an absolute dick when the truth comes out, but come out it will. The longer he tries to avoid this situation the worse he's going to look in the end. I would be telling him that. I would be advising him to come clean with his friends now, in order to minimise the damage - and if he doesn't want to do that, then he'll just have to find a way of handling the embarrassment when reality finally bites. Do you have family living nearby who can support you? Who would perhaps let you stay with them for a few days so that you can take a breather from this situation? You must be talking to people close to you about what's going on. What are they saying about it? Edited May 23, 2014 by Taramere 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I think the party isn't even the issue here anymore. You have much larger problems with this person. Neither of you are on the same page...you're not even in the same book. There is way more to discuss than this party. I think if he does wind up staying with you, he's eventually going to come to resent you because of this. He flat out asked you to have an abortion! This baby is legit UNWANTED by him. How do you even feel about that? Staying with a person who wants nothing to do with this child? And that will have to "warm up" to him once he arrives? Completely agree. This is a sad situation. At 20 weeks, he should have gotten over whatever embarrassment he might have felt about an unplanned pregnancy. I don't buy that reasoning for a second. He doesn't want this baby and he's in serious denial. The father of your child can't even bring himself to tell his friends about it. OP, I hope you have supportive friends and family around you. You are going to need them. 2
veggirl Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 So will the kid be hidden in the attic after it's born so no one finds out he has a baby? Seriously wtf is wrong with you, why would you allow this secret bull**** to continue?! Ughhhh your bf is a DICK. 1
snowflakes88 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 And yet I have now manage to find men who are crazy about me and treat me like gold. Three of them within 8 months to be exact. The first ones I didn't like back. I am not a novice when it comes to relationships and finding the guys who truly are interested. I know a thing or two about the way in which a man acts when he is truly in love. Unless he really didn't want kids and /or he is too poor to afford one, there is NO reason why a man who is very much in love would be unhappy. I know the way a lot of men work when they find out the woman they are crazy in love with is pregnant. ... Only the men who are strictly against kids were bummed when they were deeply in love. If a man has found "the one" the woman he has fallen in love with like no other before her, he is almost always thrilled at knowing this woman is pregnant. With the right woman, a man who has the money and always wanted kids will not suddenly think 'well damn my career isn't where I need it to be". If they have the money and they wanted kids to begin with....they will be happy if they got the woman they truly loved, pregnant. It is not normal for a man who is deeply in love to feel in different and not the least bit happy at the notion of having a baby with the right woman. ....... . I am familiar with your post history. And again I say, you have a very naive view of love and relationships. 1
BlueIris Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 OP, Go spend one week, five days in a row, sitting in a large urban child support enforcement court and watch and listen. Travel to do it if you have to. It will be the best investment you could make right now. Then do some serious thinking.
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