BF doesn't want me to go to party with him

[starrynightz45]

WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, you should be worried. You are not the the LEAST bit wrong in being upset/worried! Why on earth would he NOT want you to come to an overnight camping thing with his friends when there will be OTHER WOMEN THERE?

 

If it was a "guys only" thing I'd understand - but it's clearly NOT! And he won't even give you a clear answer as to WHY he doesn't want you to go. Girl, this has red flags ALL OVER it. Please, please don't let this slide. He's up to something. Especially given that he's already hooked up with a girl there. There is absolutely no way this is innocent. There is no wayyyyy he just "wants to be with the guys" without you there. Even if it was, why would you want to be with a guy that doesn't even want you there when it's clearly a male/female outing?

 

Something here isn't right, your gut is telling you so, and I hope you do something about it.

[Million.to.1]

did she post that she had chosen to get pregnant? Last I heard having sex was a choice by both man and woman. He could have used protection. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't; however, when a couple begins to have sex the reality is that they need to be prepared for a pregnancy because it happens sometimes. And both man and woman are responsible for it.

 

 

I'm well aware of how 2 people are responsible for a pregnancy.

Maybe in a perfect world, where we are all perfect, we would accept wholeheartedly unexpected parenthood or other life changing events with decorum, take full responsibility, and embrace the future with a positive attitude.

But we don't live in a perfect world and we are not perfect. A 26 year old man presented with an unplanned pregnancy definitely wouldn't be acting from his higher self at a time like this.

 

We aren't here debating their child or who is responsible for it or whatever. We are helping OP with her question of why her boyfriend doesn't want her to go to a camping weekend, and i would think that just maybe, an unplanned pregnancy and the pressure of the situation for him might have something to do with it.

OP stated herself that he was stressed about it.

[Million.to.1]

Does nobody here have a group of friends that are of mixed gender? Why because it's guys AND girls does this make it bad?

 

If I went away for the weekend with a close group of 10 friends... 5 guys, 5 girls, there may well be an old guy friend I slept with years ago among them. This does not mean I'm planning on cheating with them!

 

People sometimes have sex with people who end up being their friends.

[Leigh 87]

yeah don't get why you think the guy is madly in love or that he needs to be.

 

 

I do not think he is madly in love with the OP.

 

Guys who are really committed to a girl don't generally go camping with girls they have banged, without their girlfriend being with them.

 

And personally I advocate that most girls go after a true love relationship where the guy is crazy about her, rather than settle for a man who is not all that into her but settles because he wants a family and a steady relationship.

[starrynightz45]

Her being unexpectedly pregnant is as hard on her as it his on him, if not MORE so. If he was half a man, he'd stick by her because she's probably struggling too - especially knowing he isn't thrilled. Instead he's pushing her farther away. He needs a weekend to get his mind off fatherhood? Does she get to take a weekend off to get her mind off motherhood? Please, he needs to grow up and stop being selfish. So what if she can't drink? She's not going to sit there and mope the whole time. It's not an automatic death sentence if you can't drink for christ's sake.

 

I think it's totally obnoxious of him to not want her to come when other women will be there. I also think that, given the sex issues they're having, it's not too far fetched that he wants to go to get his mind off of her, flirt around, and possibly cheat. None of which is ok.

 

OP you should be really upset with him

[kaylan]

Does nobody here have a group of friends that are of mixed gender? Why because it's guys AND girls does this make it bad?

 

If I went away for the weekend with a close group of 10 friends... 5 guys, 5 girls, there may well be an old guy friend I slept with years ago among them. This does not mean I'm planning on cheating with them!

 

People sometimes have sex with people who end up being their friends.

Yup and women who are friends with and hang out with old sex partners are never relationship material for me. I have my boundaries and what I view is respect in a relationship.

I do not think he is madly in love with the OP.

 

Guys who are really committed to a girl don't generally go camping with girls they have banged, without their girlfriend being with them.

 

And personally I advocate that most girls go after a true love relationship where the guy is crazy about her, rather than settle for a man who is not all that into her but settles because he wants a family and a steady relationship.

THIS!

[Million.to.1]

Yup and women who are friends with and hang out with old sex partners are never relationship material for me. I have my boundaries and what I view is respect in a relationship.

 

wow. ok.. whatever works for you.

One of my best and oldest friends is someone i had sex with 3-4 times when i was 19. It was something that cemented our love "as friends".

 

If my boyfriend thought it was crossing a boundary to see him...

 

BYE!

[kaylan]

wow. ok.. whatever works for you.

One of my best and oldest friends is someone i had sex with 3-4 times when i was 19. It was something that cemented our love "as friends".

 

If my boyfriend thought it was crossing a boundary to see him...

 

BYE!

Id sure hope youd say bye to him.

 

A man deserves a woman who isnt friends with some other guy she loves that she cemented love through sex with. We can all see where your priorities lie. And many of us here arent naive. We know the kind of crap that happens between male and female friends who have intimate pasts and hang out alone together.

 

Thats just a risk I dont think a smart man or woman should take. Oh wells. Everyone has their own boundaries.

Edited May 22, 2014 by kaylan

[Speakingofwhich]

We aren't here debating their child or who is responsible for it or whatever. We are helping OP with her question of why her boyfriend doesn't want her to go to a camping weekend, Sorry,we'll never know that even if we post for the next hundred years. He's the only one who knows and he's not telling. What we can know for sure is that his situation is heavily weighted on the side of it being inappropriate to not include her, this compounded by the expectation they both have of welcoming a child into the world. You can't not include her pregnancy and his responsibility in this discussion and have the discussion remain relevant. and i would think that just maybe, an unplanned pregnancy and the pressure of the situation for him might have something to do with it. Right, there is no debate about their child or who is responsible. Her condition and the arrival of their child is a fact (not debatable) that contributes to the responsibility he should feel to include her. And to the increased oddity which already exists because other women are being included that he wouldn't want her there. Therefore it is highly relevant.

OP stated herself that he was stressed about it.

 

Discussing the pregnancy issue is a factor in evaluating why he doesn't want her there and facing the inappropriateness of his desire to exclude her. We can't know WHY he doesn't want her there, we can only discuss never arriving at a definite conclusion. With this added factor in their lives, it's odder still that he wouldn't want to include her. Which indicates that his interest in not including her is staunch, not casual. Further adding to the conundrum as to why he doesn't want her there.

 

Right about the pressure of the unplanned pregnancy contributing to a philandering man not wanting his pregnant gf there as it underscores to himself and others what should now be his commitment to her and his child.

Do you think another woman would be as likely to shack up with him if she was there? Especially if she was there pregnant.

 

And the pressure of an unplanned pregnancy on OP is just as great if not greater than it is on him. She is already dealing with the physical and emotional stress of a child.

 

He should offer her at this time greater consideration than ever before.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[Keenly]

He might want to try some shrooms while camping. If that's the case, I wouldn't want a girlfriend to come either. Even if I never would cheat on you.

 

 

Some times when you hang out with a girl, for days at a time, it gets exhausting. Maybe he just wants to be free around his friends, and the girls are there with his friends.

[snowflakes88]

Every single man I have ever known that is madly in love was thrilled at the idea of having a baby with the woman he considered to be "the one" for him.

 

Even men who liked to party in their 20's and still enjoy getting drunk from time to time.

 

The idea of committing whole heartedly to the women they are absolutely crazy about NEVER phased any man I have ever met. I have met a lot of men who were madly in love. None of them were "indifferent" towards having a baby with a women they truly cherished.

 

He should have some positive feelings attached to having a baby with the woman he is madly in love with.

 

This guy is clearly not madly in love. He may love her and have grown to love this woman but it is as clear as day that he is not IN love with her.....

 

You have a very naive view of love and relationships.

[Keenly]

I do not think he is madly in love with the OP.

 

Guys who are really committed to a girl don't generally go camping with girls they have banged, without their girlfriend being with them.

 

And personally I advocate that most girls go after a true love relationship where the guy is crazy about her, rather than settle for a man who is not all that into her but settles because he wants a family and a steady relationship.

 

Its not fair at all to say that he doesn't love her must because he doesn't want her to come camping.

[alyss]

It's not like he just found out about the pregnancy and he's super stressed and needs to get out. I'm 20 weeks and we've known for most of that time. Never in the past 20 weeks has he needed to go party because he was stressed.

 

He hasn't told any of his friends that I'm pregnant. No one going to that party knows. And he'll probably tell them I didn't want to go, rather than saying he didn't want me there. Which makes them like me less probably.

 

I've only been drunk 3-4 times in my life, I'm not a drinker and he knows that. I've always had plenty of fun while not being drunk.

 

He knows I'm uncomfortable with him being around girls he's hooked up with. If I'm there or I've met them and trust them, I could care less. But him not wanting me there and me never having met the girls that are going (other than 1, who he didn't hook up with) bothers me. He knows that, he is choosing to not have me there anyway. The girls that are going, he's friends with and hangs out with so by now there is no reason for me not to have met them. I'm not the type of person to make a scene or hate someone for something like that. I just can't trust people I don't know.

[clia]

It's not like he just found out about the pregnancy and he's super stressed and needs to get out. I'm 20 weeks and we've known for most of that time. Never in the past 20 weeks has he needed to go party because he was stressed.

 

He hasn't told any of his friends that I'm pregnant. No one going to that party knows. And he'll probably tell them I didn't want to go, rather than saying he didn't want me there. Which makes them like me less probably.

 

 

Ding, ding ding! We have a winner! He doesn't want to tell his friends you are pregnant. If you are there...the cat is out of the bag. Why hasn't he told his friends that you are five months pregnant? Doesn't that bother you?

[alyss]

Ding, ding ding! We have a winner! He doesn't want to tell his friends you are pregnant. If you are there...the cat is out of the bag. Why hasn't he told his friends that you are five months pregnant? Doesn't that bother you?

 

He said he doesn't want to have to tell people. It bothers me because I don't like feeling like he is hiding something as big as our son. I thought he'd want to tell his friends so he could talk about it and get some things off his chest.

[Leigh 87]

You have a very naive view of love and relationships.

 

 

 

And yet I have now manage to find men who are crazy about me and treat me like gold. Three of them within 8 months to be exact. The first ones I didn't like back. I am not a novice when it comes to relationships and finding the guys who truly are interested.

 

I know a thing or two about the way in which a man acts when he is truly in love.

 

Unless he really didn't want kids and /or he is too poor to afford one, there is NO reason why a man who is very much in love would be unhappy.

 

I know the way a lot of men work when they find out the woman they are crazy in love with is pregnant. ...

 

Only the men who are strictly against kids were bummed when they were deeply in love.

 

If a man has found "the one" the woman he has fallen in love with like no other before her, he is almost always thrilled at knowing this woman is pregnant.

 

With the right woman, a man who has the money and always wanted kids will not suddenly think 'well damn my career isn't where I need it to be". If they have the money and they wanted kids to begin with....they will be happy if they got the woman they truly loved, pregnant.

 

It is not normal for a man who is deeply in love to feel in different and not the least bit happy at the notion of having a baby with the right woman. ....... .

[Leigh 87]

Its not fair at all to say that he doesn't love her must because he doesn't want her to come camping.

 

 

 

It is a concerning pattern.

 

Firstly, he doesn't ever bring his girlfriend of three years to weddings or events as his plus one.

 

Then he goes camping with girls has ppreviously had sex with. Without inviting her. He even told his gf that he would.be sharing tents as he didn't have his own.

 

Look I know a lot of men! I have never met a guy who was truly in love, act remotely in this way.

[WrinkledForehead]

That is a ridiculous statement. You are minimising the impact that having an unplanned child has on a man. He is totally entitled to some time with his friends to "go party" or whatever the hell he wants to do. This is pretty massive and i'm not saying that it's not massive for her also, but she has chosen this, where he didn't. That's the difference.

The next 20 years of his life have now been decided for him and he clearly needs some time to get his head around it.

 

He chose to have sex and he chose to stay in a relationship with the woman he impregnated.

 

If it's an unplanned pregnancy, that means neither party planned it. It is as much as a shock and a change for her as it is for him.

 

OP and her BF need to sit down and have a serious and open discussion about how she feels and how he feels. He may be frustrated and needing a night out with his friends. He needs to listen to how his actions are impacting his girlfriend. Both should practice a bit more empathy.

 

 

 

And on a side note, this sounds much like how my ex acted when I was expecting our first. *big sigh* I understand your frustration, OP.

[GorillaTheater]

And yet I have now manage to find men who are crazy about me and treat me like gold. Three of them within 8 months to be exact. The first ones I didn't like back. I am not a novice when it comes to relationships and finding the guys who truly are interested.

 

I know a thing or two about the way in which a man acts when he is truly in love.

 

Unless he really didn't want kids and /or he is too poor to afford one, there is NO reason why a man who is very much in love would be unhappy.

 

I know the way a lot of men work when they find out the woman they are crazy in love with is pregnant. ...

 

Only the men who are strictly against kids were bummed when they were deeply in love.

 

If a man has found "the one" the woman he has fallen in love with like no other before her, he is almost always thrilled at knowing this woman is pregnant.

 

With the right woman, a man who has the money and always wanted kids will not suddenly think 'well damn my career isn't where I need it to be". If they have the money and they wanted kids to begin with....they will be happy if they got the woman they truly loved, pregnant.

 

It is not normal for a man who is deeply in love to feel in different and not the least bit happy at the notion of having a baby with the right woman. ....... .

 

It's very exciting, and also scary as hell, when you get a woman pregnant, even one you love, even one you're married to. There are a lot of conflicting emotions batting around your head.

 

But that's neither here nor there; Clia nailed it.

[regine_phalange]

I wouldnt be as concerned about him cheating, as for the communication between you. He will shut you out of his thoughts and wont telll you the reasons for not inviting you (by the way I think it's quite rude he told you not to come - but that's another story). If he wanted to get away he could go for a small trip with his male friends, so you wouldn't worry or feel left out. So, I think the big problem is that he is inconsiderate and he doesn't communicate his thoughts. You should really have a good, honest talk, about the depth of your relationship and whether you are compatible. Sure, you will raise the kid together (congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!) but you don't need to be a couple if you are incompatible. Just try to talk to him, nicely and with love and see what he is thinking.

[Million.to.1]

Speakingofwhich - could you please not Quote me and then add BOLDED text to my quote please? It looks like I have said that, and I don't want other people to think I said what you think. If you want to quote other posters, reply to their posts BELOW the quoted text please.

 

Kaylan - each to their own. I have full trust in myself and my partner to be able to be friends with people we have slept with in the past. If your experience of that has been bad for you, then I'm really sorry, But everyone is different, and I am not the jealous type and I value trust beyond everything. My BF can trust me around my male friends because he knows me, how much i love him, and how much I value our relationship. Both of us have friends we've slept with as part of a wider group of friends. Im from NZ and it's small here. Everyone knows everyone... In fact, my current BF and my ex BF from 18 years ago (i was a teenager) are now in a band together. My ex is now married to another friend of mine and has 2 kids.

My current and ex met, and got on famously and are now great friends.

Can you see what i'm saying here? Anyway... it doesn't matter. Do what works for you...

 

 

 

Ok.. I'm not discussing this issue with anyone else except the OP from here on in.

 

I feel really bad for you and this is difficult. From the beginning of the thread to now, many more factors have been revealed that make it very complicated.

 

Just want to say first of all, I don't AGREE with how your BF is dealing with this AT ALL.... But I do understand why he is.

To not have told his friends about the pregnancy is quiet sad.. and shows how much he is secretly FREAKING OUT about being a father.

You may say that he has known for ages, but clearly he is not dealing with it well.

 

You two have much bigger issues facing you than a camping weekend. You need couples therapy ASAP before your baby arrives.

Whatever the reason is he doesn't want you at the camping weekend is only a symptom of a much bigger issue.

 

I feel really sorry for you and I TOTALLY understand how hard this must be, but your BF is going through stuff too, clearly, and now that you both have a baby coming, you need get this out and talk through this stuff with a professional.

 

Can you please elaborate on what happened when you found out you were pregnant and how your boyfriend reacted and what you both discussed about how to handle it. if he feels like this decision wasn't his at all, then I understand why he is acting the way he is... Not condoning it, just understanding why.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Million.to.1

[Speakingofwhich]

Speakingofwhich - could you please not Quote me and then add BOLDED text to my quote please? It looks like I have said that, and I don't want other people to think I said what you think. If you want to quote other posters, reply to their posts BELOW the quoted text please.

 

Kaylan - each to their own. I have full trust in myself and my partner to be able to be friends with people we have slept with in the past. If your experience of that has been bad for you, then I'm really sorry, But everyone is different, and I am not the jealous type and I value trust beyond everything. My BF can trust me around my male friends because he knows me, how much i love him, and how much I value our relationship. Both of us have friends we've slept with as part of a wider group of friends. Im from NZ and it's small here. Everyone knows everyone... In fact, my current BF and my ex BF from 18 years ago (i was a teenager) are now in a band together. My ex is now married to another friend of mine and has 2 kids.

My current and ex met, and got on famously and are now great friends.

Can you see what i'm saying here? Anyway... it doesn't matter. Do what works for you...

 

 

 

Ok.. I'm not discussing this issue with anyone else except the OP from here on in.

 

I feel really bad for you and this is difficult. From the beginning of the thread to now, many more factors have been revealed that make it very complicated.

 

Just want to say first of all, I don't AGREE with how your BF is dealing with this AT ALL.... But I do understand why he is.

To not have told his friends about the pregnancy is quiet sad.. and shows how much he is secretly FREAKING OUT about being a father.

You may say that he has known for ages, but clearly he is not dealing with it well.

 

You two have much bigger issues facing you than a camping weekend. You need couples therapy ASAP before your baby arrives.

Whatever the reason is he doesn't want you at the camping weekend is only a symptom of a much bigger issue.

 

I feel really sorry for you and I TOTALLY understand how hard this must be, but your BF is going through stuff too, clearly, and now that you both have a baby coming, you need get this out and talk through this stuff with a professional.

 

Can you please elaborate on what happened when you found out you were pregnant and how your boyfriend reacted and what you both discussed about how to handle it. if he feels like this decision wasn't his at all, then I understand why he is acting the way he is... Not condoning it, just understanding why.

 

Sure, I won't do that anymore, Million.to.one. I doubt anyone thinks my text is yours, though. But, I'm glad to honor your request and thank you for your courtesy!

Edited May 22, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I find it very worrisome that he's effectively hiding your pregnancy from his friends. How shocked will they be when a baby suddenly arrives, and they had no idea you were expecting? That would hurt me a lot if I were his friend, and even more even if I were you. I don't understand his reasoning behind not telling them - is it so difficult to let them in on it? Doesn't make sense. Does his family at least know he's about to become a father?

 

Something more is going on here, I think.

[alyss]

I just asked him why he doesn't want me to go and he said "Mostly because I don't want to have to tell people you're pregnant. Because you don't know everyone going. And because "so and so" will be there (girls he's ****ed)".

[Taramere]

I disagree with you girls.

 

This is a man's way of payback for you testing him on countless things that don't really matter.

 

Now he's testing how psycho you are. I've done it before. Either let him go, and leave him alone. Or leave him. But reacting and getting upset will only make him despise you.

 

What a weird thing to do. Testing how psycho she is? Seems her options are to

 

1. Be clear that she's unhappy about him going to an all nighter that involves at least one former f*ckbuddy, and excluding her from this party. A reaction which I'm presuming will result in the "psycho" label being applied.

 

2. Being laid back and understanding about it all. Which might result in her being viewed positively by the Men's Club of Stepford, but would result in everybody else thinking she's a bit of a clueless doormat

 

3. Retaliate with an equally childish measure or

 

4. Dump him.

 

Whatever this charmer's reasons for his behaviour might be - whether he's planning on banging another woman, or wants to play some stupid retaliatory game for whatever real or imagined offence she's committed - 4 is probably the only self respecting option she can choose in response to such disrespectful and unpartnerlike behaviour at this point. Unfortunately there's now a baby involved.

 

Jesus. I think I'm generally fairly laid back with my boundaries. LS can be a real eye opener at times, in terms of behaviour that people consider to be worthy of defending. Not to mention some of the reasons given to defend it.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Taramere