Hello201 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 hope you dont mind me replying from what ive read here NC is there for a reason , you have had a slip up dont be too hard on your self its a lesson learned hard but learnt im 3 days into NC she msg me this morning ( deep joy ) i dont have many people i can talk to re this also be strong friend be strong http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/477989-she-broke-up-me
Smilecharmer Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a great guy. You can't save her, she has to save herself. There is something in her that is broken if she would rather have an abuser.
emotionalMess Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I broke no contact a couple of times and I am done. The good news is this, the last time I broke no contact was for me, like you, the final straw where I also achieved some closure and guess what? The pain does not last as long. Its been 2 weeks, I grieved for a few days as the fog cleared then came to terms and chose to move on. Now I am looking back with less resentment. My perspective has changed. The relationship was not a tragedy at all. I learned a great deal about myself and others and I know you have. The relationship led you to better understanding of what you are really looking for once you get to that place. You will look back with some sorrow but not for you but for her. For you, you will remember the good parts and you are a better person because of what you had to endure. Grieve for a few days but set a deadline then take one day at a time after that. Take Care. 1
Michael 93 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Strength, Do not beat yourself up over this man. This is all part of the journey. Everything each person gives you on this forum is purely advice and their own opinion. It is up to you what you do.. You felt you needed to call, your heart made you call. This is not a bad thing, sometimes it just needs to be done to get you back on the road again. You tried, You cannot blame yourself for not wanting to give up on something that clearly meant so much to you. I wish I could say what to do next but I myself do not know yet. Please just understand that we are all fighting this together and we are here to support one another..Some maybe a little sharper than others no names mentioned. Keep going brother
jt27 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Everyone here has said it strength. You did what you thought you had to do. There is no shame it that. It's a daily struggle for me and most others here to not reach out to their exes. It is so hard to give up on someone you love and care so much about. I am deathly afraid I will break NC someday. I hear all the horror stories but somehow feel my situation is different just like everyone else that broke contact felt. The urge is overwhelming sometimes. As for crying, I cry a lot. Afterwards, I do feel better. Maybe a couple more cries will help you. It is a constant struggle brother. Keep your head up. 1
jphcbpa Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 No. These kinds of people never change. Don't beat yourself up brother. Its easy to give good advice, but harder to action it yourself. "Never take anything personally. People’s actions are always telling a story about them, not you." - Glover 2
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you all for your advice. Today I feel a bit different. I feel like I am faced with reality now, and my subconscious hope has been extinguished. She made it abundantly clear how much she cared about the other guy. As I think about it, I feel as if it was true that I contacted her for a reason. I contacted her to force her to shut the door that I was too in denial to shut. She not only shut it, she slammed it, then welded the door. 3
KaliLove Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you all for your advice. Today I feel a bit different. I feel like I am faced with reality now, and my subconscious hope has been extinguished. She made it abundantly clear how much she cared about the other guy. As I think about it, I feel as if it was true that I contacted her for a reason. I contacted her to force her to shut the door that I was too in denial to shut. She not only shut it, she slammed it, then welded the door. Her loss, your gain. You are free. 1
Silver Taurus Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. I broke NC after 4 months. He didn't respond and I was devastated. Worse than after the initial BU. So I came here again to LS and started NC again. After 8 months ex contacted me (breadcrumbs) and I almost stuck my hand back in the fire. Today it's been a year since the BU and he contacted me again yesterday. For a minute I actually considered responding and I had to make myself come back here to LS and I saw this thread. If nothing else SIH, you stopped me from contacting my ex today and for that I am forever grateful. Wishing you peace. ST 4
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. I broke NC after 4 months. He didn't respond and I was devastated. Worse than after the initial BU. So I came here again to LS and started NC again. After 8 months ex contacted me (breadcrumbs) and I almost stuck my hand back in the fire. Today it's been a year since the BU and he contacted me again yesterday. For a minute I actually considered responding and I had to make myself come back here to LS and I saw this thread. If nothing else SIH, you stopped me from contacting my ex today and for that I am forever grateful. Wishing you peace. ST Thank you very much for this. In some way, it makes my pain worth it to know you avoided some. I hope there are more out there just like you, who just aren't posting. Stay strong silver, you are going to be just fine and better off without breaking NC. 1
hudson701 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 It's made me well up reading this. I am staying strong with NC, but, what struck me here, is that if I break it, instinctively I know I'll be told she's with someone else and it will make the pain ten times worse. It's weird, you breaking NC has given me the answer I already know, which is why I dare not break it. I'm sad because it will 100% bad news if I do, so I've resigned myself to the fact that it's over for good. I'm petrified of seeing her on a night out or with her new bf because I am no where near ready for it. I hope that day never comes, as it will just crush me. I guess I'm not very far in the healing process, I become attached too easily. I was only with her for 2 months and it's been 3 months since the split- how pathetic is that? I just want to stop thinking of her. Ignorance is bliss it's posts like yours that remind me you go back to square 1 if I break NC. Do you really just wake up one day and feel better? This is never ending. 1
elseaacych Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 No, you don't wake up one day and feel "better". That's the thing that sucks, because you don't ever feel like you're making progress until about three months after the fact and you can look back on that day, and be like "Yeah, I was getting better. I MIGHT be even better today." When your ex breaks up with you, they want you out. They don't want you to care about them. They don't want to care about you. Simple as that. Any reaching out from them is just an emotional brain fart. Any reaching out from us is trying to find that "closure" that WE ALL KNOW THEY CANNOT GIVE US, or re-kindle old feelings. Those old feelings no longer exist. It doesn't make any party a bad person, it's just how it is. We just have to leave each other alone and go our own ways. Neither party can do anything for the other party. SIH, reality sucks. Sometimes you end up with a partner (or ex-partner) who makes bad life choices. It is not a reflection on you or your lack of ability to care for them appropriately. You have done everything you could. You need to be able to stop looking for something from her because she has nothing to offer you. Whatever you want from her, she doesn't have it. Whatever you want from her, you have to look to you. Because deep inside you, whatever you want: closure, affection, strength, peace, love... it's there. 5
chados Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Not listening isn't something unusual when your sad. You do what you feel is best at the moment. All I can say is that crying is a way to let go. Whenever you keep the emotions inside of you it will be worse. And I can also promise you that as long as you don't give up life will be better with time. It doesn't feel like it now, but nobody is worth crying for forever.
emotionalMess Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I'm no expert but if she decides to stay with an abuser, she may have been raised in a home where the parents did not get along. If her parents were always in conflict, it would explain her attraction to a dysfunctional relationship over a functional one. If this is true, she may benefit from therapy. I have no idea if this is the case, its just an observation. I could be totally off base. But that's her life, if she chooses an abuser she should really look herself in the mirror to find out why she does not value herself much. In that scenario, you are the innocent great guy who gets rejected as she is drawn to the dysfunctional jerk who will never provide true happiness.
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I'm no expert but if she decides to stay with an abuser, she may have been raised in a home where the parents did not get along. If her parents were always in conflict, it would explain her attraction to a dysfunctional relationship over a functional one. If this is true, she may benefit from therapy. I have no idea if this is the case, its just an observation. I could be totally off base. But that's her life, if she chooses an abuser she should really look herself in the mirror to find out why she does not value herself much. In that scenario, you are the innocent great guy who gets rejected as she is drawn to the dysfunctional jerk who will never provide true happiness. You are accurate. Her dad cheated on her mom and caused hell all around ever since... She does have very low self-esteem, I identified it many times during the relationship. I wasn't innocent though. I mean at first I was. For a long time. Until I became part of the bipolar/borderline PD and started lashing back at her when she was starting fights and being paranoid/mean... in the end, I probably seemed like the problem to her. 1
KaliLove Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 BPDers never take responsibility for anything. She probably thought you were the problem all along. My uncle cheated on my aunt..none of my cousins are married to abusive spouses..one of my cousins is actually the one who discovered the affair. That's no excuse. SIH, you are SO much better off. It's hard to see that now but you know we're all right. Like I've told you, she is a perpetual victim. She wants the drama..she thrives on it. And you, my friend, have white knight syndrome. It's not a good match. She doesn't want to be rescued yet. She'll want to be rescued eventually but even if she did come back, she'd get bored without any drama and she'd create some..and it would make your life hell. You'd be on a constant roller coaster. Of course you're not perfect. Nobody is. But remember that BPDers see everything as very black and white. Either they love you or they hate you. You're either the villain or the hero. So when things go south, you will always be the villain. 1
emotionalMess Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Oh, BPD, I know nothing about it? I'm sure you have researched some of sites dedicated to that since they would know all the resources available for treatment and I am sure you have already recomended that she see someone about the BPD. I don't know if the "White Knight" comment applies to you - only you know. But I know it applies to me and the way I see things. If she only knew, that I can rescue her from all her troubles. All you can do is close the door with class. I do not think breaking NC again is a good idea but if she ever contacts you and you feel you have to respond, maybe just email her some pertinent BPD resource material as it automatically shows that you are aware of the issues. She may take it the wrong way at first but then realize later that you were trying to help. Maybe people with BPD people are not capable of that but at least you are at peace and can move on knowing that you recognized the reasons behind the incompatibility, took action on it and left it in the best way you know how. I myself have no plan for when I will be contacted but I very sure an attempt will be made by her at some point. When and if she does, I plan to just be myself. That is the problem with many of us, we are not ourselves after rejection. If we can only be ourselves, we are less likely to regret any action because we took the action based on who we are, not some needy, clingy version shell of ourselves.
Downtown Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 BPDers never take responsibility for anything. She probably thought you were the problem all along.... she is a perpetual victim. She wants the drama..she thrives on it. And you, my friend, have white knight syndrome. It's not a good match. She doesn't want to be rescued yet. She'll want to be rescued eventually but even if she did come back, she'd get bored without any drama and she'd create some..and it would make your life hell. You'd be on a constant roller coaster. Of course you're not perfect. Nobody is. But remember that BPDers see everything as very black and white. Either they love you or they hate you. You're either the villain or the hero. So when things go south, you will always be the villain. /\ /\ This. I agree with Kali.
Natsume21 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I had, and still to an extent, ever since I was a teen, based my romantic fantasies around saving the girl I was with and her being eternally grateful. Which is why I was so attracted to girls with low self-esteem. I thought that I could "save them" and thus would validate me. My ex, for instance, came from a well-off but very broken home with two parents who didn't seem to like each other all that well. She, since college, was attracted to players, bad boys, and guys who seemed abusive. I was different than all of that. Next thing I know, she dumps me for someone else and it takes me 4 months to start fully healing. What helped? Well, I decided to do one last damaging thing. I wrote her a public angry letter. Did it get her back? No. But it made me dislike her, resent her, get angry at her, angry enough that it fueled the motivation I needed to move on and say "**** you!" to my ex cause I knew that I deserved better. She likes being hit? Is that right? Girl needs therapy, and you do too, SIH, cause you shouldn't be attracted to broken people. Yes, imperfections are beautiful, but nothing is beautiful about being in a place you're no longer wanted. She'll learn one day, and if she doesn't, let her new man take care of this, and you go out there and you show how strong you really are. Trust me, no matter how long, there will be moments where you break down and want to talk. I still have those moments, but remember all that she has done or chosen and even if it hurts, it's for the best. Do the right(but never truly rewarding) thing and let her go and learn her own lessons. She's a big girl, she can make her own decisions. Let this be the fuel to realize that you deserve better than her. And start moving forward, one step at a time. --Natsume21
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