Strength in Healing Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Please, everyone out there, for God's sake, don't let yourself break NC. I had so many people warn me. I myself warned me. I gave myself the exact same advice I give everyone else. I just couldn't force myself to listen after so long. She has a boyfriend, he hit her before. We hung out today, and I did my best, tried every avenue to get her to understand he'll hit her again. She just disregarded everything I said, even though I predicted it accurately before. She said he apologized to her and her whole family, and tears up if she even mentions it. She told me she's happy with him. That he changed. That she could see herself marrying him. That he is her whole life. I must have been in denial still after all. I've never felt so broken. And this is the first time I've cried. Please, for the sake of avoiding a hellish type of pain, please, please, don't break NC. No matter what. She kept reaching out to me. We flirted, cuddled, it all was for nothing. I feel even lower than before. But at least I have closure... I wonder if he really did change. I wonder if he won't hit her again.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Start over!! If you haven't already, delete, block and change all contact info... Don't beat yourself up too bad. You're only human... 2
FredJones80 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I wonder if he really did change. I wonder if he won't hit her again. No. These kinds of people never change. Don't beat yourself up brother. Its easy to give good advice, but harder to action it yourself. 4
Jay77098 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Be good to yourself, Strength. Don't feel bad about reaching out and breaking NC. I did the same thing recently. I just couldn't stand it anymore and I called her. It didn't go well. It's natural to feel that compulsion to talk again to your lost love. It's overwhelming at times. But NC is the way to go; the ONLY way to go. When it's over, it's over and we can't change the other person's mind. Again, be kind to yourself, Strength. It happens. Time to start rebuilding your reservoirs of self-esteem, power and strength. 2
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Thank you my friends. I appreciate all of your replies and concern. I've just never felt so alone as I do right now. All my friends are married, and the other lives in a thousand miles away. It's killing me to accept this reality. I had such a good grip, then I slipped and broke NC. Please people do not break NC. No matter what, please don't.
CaliBabe Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Now you know. You have a good heart and we all understand. I think its extremely helpful for those who are going through it to read this and be strong and NOT break NC. You are helping others not to make the same mistake. Cheer up friend. 2
hoping2heal Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Maybe I'm in the minority here, and I'm not trying to be insensitive but maybe breaking NC was what you needed? I know NC helps a person to heal, but at the same time..just shoving your feelings to a place where they don't have to be felt or fully dealt with does not do much for healing (ime) either. The fact that you could never cry until now almost gives me the impression that you may have been avoiding more than just your Ex gf if you get my drift. I know it must have hurt like hell, and certainly I don't advocate every person run out and break NC, but there is a context for everything. I know it brought you pain, but maybe it also brought you in touch with what you've been needing to confront to and that will ultimately bring you true healing, and not just distance? Just a thought. Don't be so hard on yourself because this might have done more for moving you along and bringing you healing than you realize. 5
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you guys, and that's so true. I've been desperately in denial. I find my mind is still wanting to gravitate back towards "she doesn't mean it"... I don't know why I seem to be doing this to myself...
Mr.Pine Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I wonder if he really did change. I wonder if he won't hit her again. I know you don't want to hear this...I usually just go balls to the wall with every new poster. You've been here awhile. I will use the same tough love approach. It's NONE of your business if he changed. It's NONE of your business if he hits her, bangs her or marries her. You broke NC, you paid the price, now for reals this time, GO NC. Nothing she does or doesn't do anymore is any of your concern, brother. Come on... you're so much better than this. 3
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Chris, save that type of advice for the bodybuilding forum brother... if only it were that simple. And Mr.Pine, thanks. Believe me, I gave myself the same advice as I give everyone else. I just couldn't listen... Part of it is ego, I want back what I feel like has been stripped from me. But it was so incredibly clear today when she said that. I needed to get hit with this reality... I just wish I had people I could talk to and stuff, all my friends are pretty much gone now with marriage and PhDs... that's a harsh reality. Makes these times so difficult.
7yearsbroken Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I'm very sorry to hear your pain strength in healing. There is nothing more hurtful to see the one you once loved abused and helpless to stop it; and having her run back to you for comfort. It saddens me to know that you wish her well, but she does not want to be with you. Such tragedy in unrequited love, but how can you ignore someone in need of help from domestic abuse, let alone someone you once shared such intense feelings for. IMHO she has everything to gain here, and is being selfish to everyone, mostly to herself. She has you who she knows she can turn to, and her unhealthy relationship to return to. I hope you forget her and find someone right for you, if not try to be happy without her. I was dumped from a LTR and trying to forget myself, we have to keep it up with each other's support here on LS. I find it funny how we care so much about someone who only views us as friends, good friends at that.. I can't deal with that after I've invested so much of myself after all those years. Either you love me or leave me alone. I'm not looking back. I know you can do the same. She needs to clean up her own mess. What's meant to be will be, most often times it's not Hollywood endings.. So we will move forward together and I'll look forward to the new women we will be writing about in the future. Blessings and positivity to you brother. 1
awesome0 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Maybe I'm in the minority here, and I'm not trying to be insensitive but maybe breaking NC was what you needed? I know NC helps a person to heal, but at the same time..just shoving your feelings to a place where they don't have to be felt or fully dealt with does not do much for healing (ime) either. The fact that you could never cry until now almost gives me the impression that you may have been avoiding more than just your Ex gf if you get my drift. I know it must have hurt like hell, and certainly I don't advocate every person run out and break NC, but there is a context for everything. I know it brought you pain, but maybe it also brought you in touch with what you've been needing to confront to and that will ultimately bring you true healing, and not just distance? Just a thought. Don't be so hard on yourself because this might have done more for moving you along and bringing you healing than you realize. I'm sorry that all of this happened to you my friend its a terrible situation all around. I think this post here may make a lot of sense. This is how I tend to handle things. It's denial and a NC break until you finally get the answer you need. This situation in your life is awful all around and its the worst when they don't see a great thing right in front of them. I'm sorry man but it'll get better
Author Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 7years, you are a wonderful person. The empathy and wisdom in that post struck me. Thank you for your compassion. I have to let go. I can't save her. Kalilove pounded it into my head but I selfishly acted on emotion. But as hoping2heal stated, clearly I sought this pain for a reason.. 3
FortunateSon Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Strength, I am sorry you are going through this. I have always appreciated your advice. We are in similar situations, feel free to PM me if you need to get anything off your chest. 1
Always Pondering Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Strength, you have always been someone (and still are) I look up to on LS. I'm very sorry to hear that you are suffering this pain. Perhaps you can look on the bright side and see this as an opportunity to absolutely ensure NC stays true. Your story is saddening and has me wondering if I'm in a state of denial I don't even know about. I'm fairly sure I'm not but your story has got me thinking, "what would happen if I actually saw her in person?" I hope you feel better about this NC break soon. 1
sooshi Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Strength, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your post made me cry. You're a wonderful, kind person and you deserve to be with someone who will be kind to you and to herself. You've done so much to try to help this girl out. It's like a horse: you can lead it to water but you can't make it drink. I've also wanted to break NC. Sometimes I just enter my ex-fiancé's e-mail address into a new message but don't actually write anything or send anything. Your post also made me wonder if I'm in some state of denial as well. I think I am. SIH, you're so caring and so willing to help others. Now it's time to take good care of yourself during this tough time. <3 3
KaliLove Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 7years, you are a wonderful person. The empathy and wisdom in that post struck me. Thank you for your compassion. I have to let go. I can't save her. Kalilove pounded it into my head but I selfishly acted on emotion. But as hoping2heal stated, clearly I sought this pain for a reason.. I sure did. But you, like me, needed to put your hand back into the fire to see if it still burned. I'm not going to beat the bejesus out of you right now..you don't need it. You need compassion and a big hug. So that's what I'm sending you. I'm really sorry..but I'm also glad this happened in a way. Welcome to rock bottom..a lot of us have been there. The great news is that there's nowhere to go but up. <3 ya butthead. 3
BC1980 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 You'll be okay. I broke NC after 3 months around Thanksgiving last year. It was terrible, but it did teach me a lesson. I have not contacted him since. I was so depressed, and I called my ex after a bad day at work. He was with his son at a soccer tournament and sounded like it was nothing to talk to me. Like his world was just going on like normal. I wanted to puke. I don't think I've cried as hard as I did that night because I knew it was over after that. I had been in a great deal of denial myself, so I understand that. You will be okay. Just remember that. 4
Sasukie Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Weird, never expected to see a post like this from you! But its all good, I saw my ex yesterday too after 6 months of no contact. However just to pick up a cheque that she owed me. Picked it up, said thanks and walked away never looking back. How long were you with her that has resulted in you feeling like this? Anyways, you have no fault in this, just remember why bother feeling sad about a person who doesn't want you back the same way. Life is too short to feel these sad and negative emotions. Smile and keep moving on Healing overtime is your strength. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I've just never felt so alone as I do right now. All my friends are married, and the other lives in a thousand miles away. To compare is to despair!!! Believe me, I'm in the same boat. I'm probably older than you, and so many people I've known over the years have such different (and seemingly better) lives!!! You are who you are, and you're acceptable, magical, and wonderful just the way you are... You have read 'No More Mr. Nice guy', correct? 2
inlin Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Man sorry to hear buddy. I was in a relationship for only 1.5 years or so and I felt the exact same way as you. I was in denial that she doesn't love me (even though she never said that) or want to be with me anymore. With everything that I have done to improve her life. TBH I still feel the same because it's so logical to think that. You have to remember that emotions will over take logic most of the time, especially in relationships. She's with a guy that's draining her emotionally and physically.... Once her family, friend or herself will find out that this isn't right at all she will contact you back. But you have to ask yourself if its worth it? She left this awesome relationship just to be damaged and for you to heal? You know NC is the best way to go and dont bother again, she is dead to you and you are to her. Let me tell you that emotions suck ass but you have to ignore it and move on for the better. Consider the fact that you dodged a bullet in the long run.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 With everything that I have done to improve her life. This is care-taking. Not caring... Big difference!!! Classic 'nice guy syndrome'. I speak from experience!!!
inlin Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 This is care-taking. Not caring... Big difference!!! Classic 'nice guy syndrome'. I speak from experience!!! Yeah your right. I did both. Sometimes they are not mutually exclusive.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Yeah your right. I did both. Sometimes they are not mutually exclusive. You're absolutely right. This is a new concept I've only just discovered... I assume you are currently leaning about this too... If not, I encourage you to read the book: 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'
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