LoveFloats Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Hi everyone, i need some advice on a guy I started dating. We have been talking for the last 3 weeks and have been on 3 dates, and also slept together. Last night I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, as Im the kind of girl who will only sleep with one guy at a time, and he answered yes. Hes seeing an old friend of his, but said it feelsl ike they are still just friends. I left upset and he texted me feeling bad, but doesnt think we should be exclusive this early on, which i do agree with. However i really like him, and im scared of getting hurt if we keep hanging out together knowing hes sleeping with some other girl. Not sure what to do
stillafool Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Last night I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, as Im the kind of girl who will only sleep with one guy at a time, and he answered yes. See this question should be asked before you have sex, not after. Are you still going to see him even though he admits to sleeping with others? I don't think 3 dates is long enough to get to know a person and decide that you want a relationship with them. I can't blame him for not wanting to commit after only 3 dates. I do blame you for having sex with him after only 3 dates and then expecting a commitment before the conversation. 4
soccerrprp Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Ugh. Again, you ladies.... you had sex with him BEFORE asking if you two were exclusive. He's not to blame, of course. After 3 or 5 or 10 dates IS enough time to decide whether you want to be exclusive or not. People have this myopic view/definition of exclusivity that is not entirely reasonable. As stillafool asked. Are you going to continue sleeping with him even after knowing that he continues to sleep with others and you have claimed that you only sleep with one person at a time??? 3
Dallers Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 As someone who doesn't understand this new world of dating and this exclusivity crap I can understand why this must be confusing. I think I am still lost in the past of meeting someone, liking them and wanting to be with them without having to complete probation while f**king other people to see which one gets the bone. It is no wander I am single. In a way seeing posts like this, I am glad. I would be so gone OP she wouldn't hear from me again if this was the case in my situation, he knew what he was doing and is just adding you to his tally. No respect.
Author LoveFloats Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 I suppose it is partly my fault for sleeping with him so early on, but it just felt right at the time. If we do hang out again, I wont be sleeping with him knowing that he is with someone else. I just feel like I was made a bit of a fool because he was so sweet to me, and didn't show any signs of seeing anyone else, unless I was just blind.
mammasita Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I suppose it is partly my fault for sleeping with him so early on, but it just felt right at the time. If we do hang out again, I wont be sleeping with him knowing that he is with someone else. I just feel like I was made a bit of a fool because he was so sweet to me, and didn't show any signs of seeing anyone else, unless I was just blind. Too late. Never sleep with someone without talking about expectations unless your just in it for some fun, otherwise this happens.
Haydaman712 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 As someone who doesn't understand this new world of dating and this exclusivity crap I can understand why this must be confusing. I think I am still lost in the past of meeting someone, liking them and wanting to be with them without having to complete probation while f**king other people to see which one gets the bone. It is no wander I am single. In a way seeing posts like this, I am glad. I would be so gone OP she wouldn't hear from me again if this was the case in my situation, he knew what he was doing and is just adding you to his tally. No respect. Thus the paradox of women. Women want men who other women want. It's that simple. And the guy was honest about sleeping with other women. In my opinion OP you're moving too fast with him. Continue to see him, but withhold sex. Don't bring up exclusivity for another month or so. If he's not willing to do that, then walk away. But don't be bitter. If he comes back be warm, hear him out, and give it another shot.
halfcrazed_i Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Just keep seeing him then -- but don't sleep with him. Simple. When he's ready to give up all the other girls he's sleeping with, then bring up exclusivity... and then tell him that's the only way you're going to be intimate with him. Ball's in his court. If he doesn't like it, then time to move on. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sorry to bring this up, but if he's been having unprotected sex, you and he need to get STD screens. If you continue to have sex with him, he is less likely to admit that he's been having unsafe sex if it means that he will need to get tested. I'd just stop having sex with him for a few months, get tested. Some STDs don't show up until months later. 1
somedude81 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Why is it so hard to talk about exclusivity before you have sex? 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 3 dates is too soon to talk about babies and marriage and meeting all the family and friends. However, I know of many guys who, if they are really into a girl, will not want to sleep with other women.... 3 dates is not to soon for many guys to know whether or not that are really into a girl. Plenty of men don't NEED to test he waters out with more than one person at a time; where as just as many people prefer to keep their options open and to multi date. YOU need to find LIKE MINDED partners who are happy to not date around/sleep around whilst they are dating you. My own boyfriend waits to find a girl that he REALLY likes; once he has her, he doesn't need to go on dates with other women. I am like my boyfriend so we proved to be a good match; we didn't have to worry about each other dating other people while we were going on dates. There is nothing wrong with people who want to multi date but I do frown upon sleeping with more than one partner at a time...I love sex too and have a high drive for it but I don't think it is very palatable to freely sleep with multiple partners at once. I don't think less of people who do, they could be great people in general, but it is not the sort of person I would want to become involved with, as our values surrounding sex are markedly different. You are not a girl who can date guys who are sleeping with other girls; if you WERE okay with it you wouldn't have even needed to question it. I once thought I was cool with multi dating and guys who slept around once they had been on dates with me. Turns out I prefer a guy who only has eyes for me from date one. There ARE many guys out there who feel the same....
Gottabestrong Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sweetie, I am not going to get into whether it is wrong or right to expect exclusivity from the start, but I am going to give you the following piece of advice: Don't keep dating him. You will feel terrible knowing he is not only dating, but actually sleeping with someone else. And like you said you are not the kind of woman who would be okay with that. So don't do it. I know, easier said than done, but I think you will save yourself a world of pain if you eject now. If he asks you out on another date, I would suggest you tell him something like: I am sorry, I did not realize that you are the kind of guy who sleeps with multiple women at the same time. I am not that kind of person, so I don't think we should see each other anymore. If he realizes that he'd rather stop sleeping with someone else in order to get to know you better, he'll let you know, but don't hold your breath. Good luck! 2
Mrin Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 So I have a problem with a lot of the advice here. I won't agree to exclusivity until after I have slept with a woman and maybe a couple of times. Sexual compatibility is a very big thing for me. Explicit exclusivity is putting the cart way before the horse. That being said, I usually don't have multiple partners at the same time. Not really interested in that. So in reality it isn't an issue. But, for a lot of people exclusivity signals some elevated relationship status. That I am her boyfriend or we are a couple. That's what I object to as it doesn't make sense. So I agree that we are a couple only then to find out we aren't compatible sexually and them I have to break it off shortly thereafter - sending message that I told her that we were a couple only so I could have sex with her. Which was not the case
ChooseTruth Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 So what is your question? Are you just venting... I got the impression she was looking for advice on what to do going forward. A few people spoke to that with some good advice. I think it's best to back off until he is able to go exclusive and you guys have had more in depth conversations about where the relationship is heading.
Author LoveFloats Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thanks everyone, I am taking everyone's advice to heart. I certainly aren't the type to sleep around, and seeing as he seems to be, we probably aren't a match. We have a great connection and chemistry and he has said that numerous times, but never brought up the other woman. I know i probably slept with him too soon but it did feel right in the moment. An update however: I said we can still hang out with no pressure and see what happens. He responded by saying he wasnt sure where to go, and what is right at this point, and needed to sleep on it. Not sure how to take that, but i dont want to see someone who needs to 'sleep on it' whether they want to see me or not, so I know, best to move on
Mrin Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I sort of understand his reaction and you're probably right to move on. He doesn't see a point in continuing to date you without sex and doesn't want to be pressured into commiting to just you at this point. If I were in his shoes I might react the same way unless I was really into her. And it sounds like you really want this to be a relationship. So prolly not a good fit for you two.
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 You are already "all in" physically since you have slept together. You can't close the barn door now but you can & should be true to yourself. You say you are the type that only has sex inside of an exclusive committed relationship. If that's true, you have to make a choice: You can change your view & continue dating him knowing he wants to be free to date others or you can walk away. If you stay he may never be ready to fully commit to you.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sweetie, I am not going to get into whether it is wrong or right to expect exclusivity from the start, but I am going to give you the following piece of advice: Don't keep dating him. You will feel terrible knowing he is not only dating, but actually sleeping with someone else. And like you said you are not the kind of woman who would be okay with that. So don't do it. I know, easier said than done, but I think you will save yourself a world of pain if you eject now. If he asks you out on another date, I would suggest you tell him something like: I am sorry, I did not realize that you are the kind of guy who sleeps with multiple women at the same time. I am not that kind of person, so I don't think we should see each other anymore. If he realizes that he'd rather stop sleeping with someone else in order to get to know you better, he'll let you know, but don't hold your breath. Good luck! I couldn't agree more based on what you have said about your own feelings towards a relationship. Its Ok if he wants to do what he does, but it seems like you are looking for more from someone regardless of how long you have been together.
Versacehottie Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 So I have a problem with a lot of the advice here. I won't agree to exclusivity until after I have slept with a woman and maybe a couple of times. Sexual compatibility is a very big thing for me. Explicit exclusivity is putting the cart way before the horse. That being said, I usually don't have multiple partners at the same time. Not really interested in that. So in reality it isn't an issue. But, for a lot of people exclusivity signals some elevated relationship status. That I am her boyfriend or we are a couple. That's what I object to as it doesn't make sense. So I agree that we are a couple only then to find out we aren't compatible sexually and them I have to break it off shortly thereafter - sending message that I told her that we were a couple only so I could have sex with her. Which was not the case I think some of the advice is that she is UPSET after the fact because her standard is that she doesn't sleep with a guy unless they are exclusive. However, since she has that standard, it's her responsibility to bring it up before they have sex not be upset afterward because she broke her own rule. So the advice pertains to not having sex itself but the conditional nature and non-communication on her end. Her guy is not a mind reader and presuming she did so willingly, it's kinda wrong for her to be mad at him after the fact. To OP, you have two choices, get comfortable with the fact that some (probably all!) guys are of the opinion that they want sex regardless of exclusivity and decide if that works for you OR walk away until this guy is willing to get exclusive or find someone who is willing to work with your parameters. The end.
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