How important is communication between dates when mostly things are going well?

[Poundpup]

I've been dating a guy for about 4 months. At first, it was very casual. We saw each other total of 4 times in a month and a half, but this was what worked for the both of us. He has a demanding job that he some days is working 12 hours, into the late night, and even some weekends. I work full time and am a grad student. In the last 3 months the amount we see each other has increased to multiple times a week (once/week if we are both swamped with work). We are just beginning to meet each other's friends. We have just gone on our first out of town trip together. When we are together it feels great. We are still just "dating", not an official couple. When we are together the chemistry is off the charts. There's PDA and affection and also amazing sex. Sounds great! And mostly it is. There is one rub I can't get over... and I'm not sure if it is just long ingrained romance expectations not being met causing disappointment or actually a bad sign.

 

The problem for me is our communication in between our dates. He only text messages (now sometimes gchat). All of this technological communication is very superficial and very BRIEF. We have talked on the phone maybe 5 times in the past 4 months and those calls were about 10 minutes each and task oriented and initiated by me (mostly). I wish this didn't throw me off the way it does. I don't want to talk for hours on end or text all day long. I do think it feels good to hear from a guy I really like and have been dating because it makes me feel like I am on his mind (or that he is excited about me). It sort of makes things feel very unstable at this juncture of the relationship. I can expect to get a one-liner or something from him pretty much everyday, but I feel like I'm the one who is doing all the leg work in this area and it feels not so great. Also, there isn't really any consistency in setting up dates.

 

Which of these behaviors is more indicative of where he's at? Could the phone this just be a personality trait and I need to learn to be okay with it or exit? or Is it more significant than that? Is the increased time and other stuff more important?

 

Any thoughts would be lovely. Thank you!

[Fondue]

Seems like things are going well for you. You said you guys had a trip together, too?

 

I think it isn't an issue if there isn't "much" communication between dates. I am the same way, actually. It doesn't mean I wasn't into any of the women I have dated before, I just didn't feel the need for it.

 

Some people are like that. Some people want more.

 

There seems to be A LOT of threads lately on men/women that need "more" communication and date people who do so with "less." And they often ask, "are they really into me?"

 

That doubt is usually unnecessary and only hinder the relationship. That's my opinion.

 

Enjoy the relationship as it is going well, it seems .

[Assasda]

I hate texting, and I try to text as little as possible.

 

I think it maybe just a personal trait.

 

And I think this is one of the area where guys need to be approached directly.

Tell him "I'd like to hear from you more during the day"

"Let me know what youre ding"

Extra point if you can tell him this while also stroking his ego.

 

So, it is a personality trait, but I dont think you have to be OK with it.

- Certainly dont get super upset about it either.

 

lol I think I do the same thing with the consistency in setting up dates too. I'd say leave that alone, because that can be a liittle harder, and I personally think its better to surprise, than to have a set schedule

[BlueIris]

I think it's very important for getting to know each other. I wouldn't date someone for very long if he just wanted to date.

[soccerrprp]

Well, you do not consider yourselves a couple (i find that peculiar) even though you have had sex, dating for 4-months. I suspect you mean that you are not exclusive. This MUST be a mutual agreement. Anyway, since you are not a couple and just dating, it should be easier for you to ask for what you want or leave. You need to talk to him.

 

As good as you feel about this, which isn't entirely so, I'm certain he's happy being in a relationship with a women who is giving him sex, making no demands and w/o any pressure to be committed in any way. His lack of planning is likely b/c he doesn't feel that he needs to. But, considering that you two are busy, it is clear that you'd appreciate someone who planned more.

 

It seems that you two are seeing more of each other, so he is unlikely cheating no? Anyway, he wouldn't be cheating since you two are not a couple.

 

My gf and I text often as it is convenient. We are both busy and long distance. It's also a fun and convenient way to send fun, little "I'm thinking about you texts" instead of calling. Some use texting b/c they are uncomfortable with communicating in general, but many don't. It's just another convenient tool is used appropriately.

Edited May 21, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Haydaman712]

Obviously you wouldn't be here if you didn't have feelings for him. I did the same thing with my girlfriend, before she was my girlfriend.

 

It seems kind of cruel but it's the only way to keep you around. He likes you...but he also likes other girls, and they like him too. That's a good sign because what it sounds like is he's a mentally healthy man. If I'm dating a girl I never bring up exclusivity first, I let her do that. In the past I've lost some really cool girls by doing this.

 

My guess is...you're falling in love with him! And he might be in love with you. A guy can fall in love with a girl immediately after becoming physical. It takes much longer for women, so as a man we have no choice but to be brief with you.

 

Why am I going to tell you everything about myself and then take you out on a date just to end up repeating it? That's boring...I guarantee you that if he started spilling himself to you over texts and in between dates that you would unintentionally punish him for it by becoming uninterested. Being together like that is meant for exclusive couples. That's just how women operate. If you want to be exclusive with him, tell him.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Haydaman712

[halfcrazed_i]

I find that guys have VERY different communication styles -- and I realized later on that it doesn't necessarily reflect how much they like you.

 

I used to go out with a guy who was into have long conversations over the phone. I loved it; it helped speed up the 'getting to know you' phase. But at the same time, because we spoke a lot over the phone, it felt like the need to hang out wasn't as important.

 

Fast forward to the next guy I went out with -- he would only pick up the phone to ask me when we were meeting or if he can come over. He hated having conversations over the phone as he'd much rather hang out with me (and talk face to face). I took it at first that he didn't really like me much because I thought he wasn't putting in the effort. But he explained it to me that he's not fond of talking on the phone unnecessarily and would much rather be with me.

 

It was quite eye-opening for me, really. And it's true. There are just some personalities that aren't good over the phone. Some of my friends are the funnest people to be with, but on the phone, it's like pulling teeth to get a conversation going.

 

I think the fact that he's checking in once in a while with you is pretty good. At least he's putting in that kind of effort. It seems like you guys are into each other -- and that you like him tons. Are you guys looking into bringing this to the next level?

 

One question though. You guys are only still 'dating' but you're already being intimate and sleeping with each other already? If any, that would make me worry... not the communication thing. Are you okay with your current arrangement?

[Michelle ma Belle]

This seems simple to me.

 

You gave up the goods and continue to give up the goods with without exclusivity.

 

Why would he bother communicating with you anymore than he already is if he's getting what he wants from you? Seems like he's got a pretty sweet deal.

[Assasda]

This seems simple to me.

 

You gave up the goods and continue to give up the goods with without exclusivity.

 

Why would he bother communicating with you anymore than he already is if he's getting what he wants from you? Seems like he's got a pretty sweet deal.

 

She gave up the good? hahahahaha

She's getting sex too you know. You think guys are the only one that enjoy sex?

And if they werent having sex, he would be talking to her more?

 

You must have some pretty S#!T relationships if thats how it goes for you.

hahahaha. _ your life must be filled with straight up sexual slavery.

And I know women didnt burn their bras for nothing

[pyramid]

If he's not communicating enough FOR YOU then he may not be the right fit.

 

I had a similar situation last year. We were exclusive, bf/gf, around 4 mos. he hated texting and phone but in person was great. Due to our schedules, we could only see each other 1-2x per week. I addressed my need for more communication several times, and he'd make an effort for a bit but then fall back to his old ways. I ended up breaking it off because the roller coaster of insecurity stressed me out. During the breakup talk, he said that he probably just didn't have time in his life to be a full-time boyfriend. Uh...

 

Anyway. Don't compromise your needs. If it doesn't feel right, it's not.