David87 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I get it...I'm pathetic, it feels terrible though.. I keep thinking of the positive stuff.......I keep thinking about the promises, even though he's broken them now. I did everything for him, how does he not miss that? We were together for 4 years nonstop, then he dumped me for 2 months.....and then he sat there saying how much he missed me....etc., I believed it. He was so believable. I wanted to believe it. I'm hurting so bad. I'm sorry for your payn, but this bastard doesnt deserve you, he's just a lying s**o* a b**h. I really hope you ve learn your lesson from the dissaperaing act he puled on you.
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 What were his excuses the first two times? He's doing it because he can. You need to break the cycle. Block him everywhere and stop allowing him to walk all over you. You're better than this. 1
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It sounds like he's on drugs. You need to walk away. Are you in therapy? 1
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 I've been going to therapy since January....not sure that's it's really helping. IN the beginning we were broken up.....and it was just a waste...no therapist could help with the devastation. When BF and I got back together, I continued to go and he made fun of me for it. And in the end, friends and family can tell me their thoughts...a therapist can too........but I'm the one that's hurting, I'm the one that goes home alone. Easy to give advice when you aren't in the situation. I still go, but who knows if it helps. I hate this.
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 In four years we never broke up. Like I mentioned, he totally changed after he got a new job/unsavory coworkers. In January he dumped me....the main co worker was there laughing and giggling the whole time while I sobbed. He gave me no explanation. This went on for 6 weeks after I was able to establish NC. I finally called, we reunited...once the co worker found out, I was ditched again. I begged and cried and my 80 year old mother called him to come check on me...he had main co worker in tow. The co worker said he was not allowed to come back because I was alive. I was able to get him to talk to me....and we were together about two weeks, and then last week he vanished on me. I'm guessing co worker found out again. I don't know......I don't like to drink or party, neither did my ex....that's ALL they do now, like they are 21. I'm devastated...and yes my esteem is shot. I just want to try to put it back together. Regardless of what his friends or colleagues are doing....he should be able to stand up to them...and it's so hurtful to me that it doesn't matter.
TAV Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Gardeniagirl, you cannot buy someone's love. I think you pay for all these things and do all these things for him (almost as if you are his slave) because deep down you think you are not good enough. And strange but true you bf has started to believe that too and treats you accordingly. You can blame his friends/co-workers all you want; he is a grown man and he is capable of making his own decisions. He is probably suffering some midlife-crisis thing but that is not your problem and you should not accept to be treated this way. You should not have accepted it the first time and certainly not the .. time (fill in a number because I have lost count). You say you are broken and that you just cannot do without him because you somehow see him as your saviour. Dear, you are broken because of this man; he is anything but your saviour. I'm in my 40s too and I can understand how scary it is to start all over again with someone else but I think you know deep down that even staying alone will be better than staying in this trainwreck of a relationship. Keep going to therapy (or find a better therapist), save all your energy to work on yourself (and not this numpty) and slowly heal from this mental abuse. Life is really too short!! 1
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 He kind of makes it like I should buy everything for him, because he is so good looking......I don't know if he's ever come right out and said that, but it's certainly implied. I've also been given the impression if I don't do his biddance, someone else will. I do these things because I love him...I want to please him. It's a hardship, and most of it is never returned in any way. I don't want things back.......but love would be great. I realize everyone thinks I'm ridiculous for sticking it out. But, I am now on day 6 of sobbing.......more to come I'm sure. I haven't heard a word from him, and now I'm afraid to try and call. I don't know what to do. The friends didn't cause this, but they aren't helping. And, if he didn't disrespect me to them......they would have nothing to say. I get that. So weird though, in the first 3.5-4 years.....he was so kind and sweet. It's such a change. Makes me so sad. As for mid life crisi....Mr. I don't have money for groceries so let my single mom girlfriend buy them all.....he just bought a 30K Harley two weeks ago.....and he doesn't even know how to ride a motorcycle. He's never ridden one, they had to deliver it to him because he can't drive one. Ugh.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 In all seriousness, forget about him and HIS issues. Not your concern. Your concern is you and YOUR issues. You have major issues!!! I'll say it again. You have major issues!! I'm no psychologist, but it is painfully obvious from your thread. Have you had a major trauma(s) in your life? I'm guessing you suffer, at least, from: -Severe co-dependency -Severe low self esteem -Severe low self worth -Lack of boundaries -Poor decision making -Undefined wants and needs Not trying to put you down, but clearly you are not seeing what's really important in this situation. You have major issues!!! You need therapy, immediately. Seriously!!! 2
BC1980 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It's hard for me to understand.....I pay for everything, clean everything, do all of the laundry, dropping off and picking up of dry cleaning or anything, bring any food request, prepare about 9 meals/snacks a day, buy all of his clothes, take care of everything, have meals ready everynight, whatever he wants....and I PAY FOR EVERYTHING. You might ask why I do this, because I love him and I'm being kind. He is a major workout guy, always wants a 2-3 hour back rub, which I glady do. Sometimes in the middle of the night he will want that, and I stay awake and do it. I never say no. How is it that he doesn't miss that? He won't even get up to get a glass of water. If I'm eating my dinner, or anything like that, he'll say.....rub my back.....when he can clearly see I'm not finished eating. It's all about him....so why isn't that good enough? I'm attractive, I'm smart, I have a good job. I take him on weekend getaways every weekend, at least two nights hotel.......ski lift tickets, food, shows, hotels....whatever it is I pay. He always wants clothes and goodies....I buy. And he constantly says he loves me and was miserable without me. Can you just sit an lie about that? Ugh, I'm rambling. Holy sh*t. This is awful to read. You have some serious issues. Seek therapy immediately. I don't want to kick you when you are down, but don't you see how awful this is? 1
BC1980 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Honestly..I think he might be on drugs. Yeah, something else is going on here. Also, addicts tend to attract co-dependents, which the OP clearly is. 1
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Wow, that makes me feel really awful about myself. The therapists I've been to....all want to make something of nothing. My parents are married 55 years, we are a religious family, do not drink/smoke/nothing. Master's degrees for both ex and myself, good careers. I cannot imagine him being on drugs.....however I could not imagine any of this stuff that has happened either. I don't have any life trauma that I know of.....except this!!!!!! I got divorced 14 years ago and had a small baby....that was nothing compared to the pain this has instilled. Tiny bit off topic. Last week when I started the silent treatment, I went online to a dating site, there he was. I have stalked that site for the last week with my high school friend's account, there is no way he would know her name or profile AT ALL. Doesn't even know her. Today he was online, after not being online all weekend.....and then bam. Profile gone. I made two fake profiles, and checked with profiles of two girls in my office. He's gone everywhere. Now I'm hysterical that he's met someone. I know you all think I'm a crazy loser, but I just don't get it. I'm having such a hard time understanding. I feel like he's the love of my life, and I tend to be going in my mind to the lovely seemingly heartfelt things he said a week ago.....not this madness that I'm suffering now.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I don't think anyone thinks you are crazy, or a loser. But, based on the content and emotion in your writing, you are clearly not seeing this from a right frame of mind. This is not an attack on you, merely an observation. You're not the first and won't be the last to be in this type of situation. If you are in therapy, maybe you aren't relating the same things you are here for whatever reason. Print this entire thread and bring it with you for your therapist to hear. Might shed some more light on what's going on...
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 A couple of you have mentioned drugs....I don't know anything about that culture....except that the ex mentioned his coworkers were all addicted to aderall. What is that and what does it do?
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Not the kind of behavior you describe... Unless he is suffering from severe sleep deprivation. Like days and days in a row... It's an amphetamin based drug used to treat ADHD.
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Nope. He was sleeping fine. I just have a hard time with being discarded.......when that same day he was professing his love for me.....i don't get it. I'm really struggling.
jbelle6 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I have to say, I'm a submissive and this behavior even to me is frightening. If you are going to give yourself in that way to someone it should come from a place of strength and only to a man that values it deeply and reciprocates in his own ways. It should not come from a place of fear or low self esteem. Know your worth as a woman and accept no less. I'll treat a man like a king if he cherishes me. The person who earns more pays more, that's just logic. You mention he is good looking, fit, and earns six figures, well...if you attracted that you can't be a slouch yourself. And this is why I never EVER go off of looks. He's ugly to the core, he can look like Brad Pitt but he's still UGLY. I also have to say that you have no right treating yourself like this (and yes, you are treating yourself worse than he is) when you have a child. Do you want him or her to see this? To see you accepting this? I want my son to respect me more than anyone in the world for taking care of him and MYSELF. Please, cut contact just like he does to you when he changes the locks. To anyone that thinks this is a troll, i get why, it's totally bizarre but an ex of mine's father put his family through something very similar. He's a physician and had a great family but he met a couple of friends and it was like he was in some cult. Strangest thing I have ever seen in my life. He HAS to have some mental issues. If during the makeups you have sex, please protect yourself. You know he's screwing other people, don't have to be Sylvia Brown to see that.
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Thank you so much for the reply. I know what you are saying is true, and if I was reading my story....and it was someone else I'd tell them to get a grip. I don't know how I became this person. I don't know how it got to this. It's a slow process. All of my friends are telling me that there is no way he will find anyone like me....but I disagree, he'll just train someone else. A couple of guys I work with, doctors....nice guys, have asked me out, I want nothing to do with it. I'm sitting in tears for a week so far, wasting my vacation days because I can't work, and I'm sure he's not doing that....he's out doing someone....or something, for sure. Not a word from him. In the last few months since we got back together-ish, he would criticize me for having abandonment issues. I feel like dang, that's not nice....he created this ****. He didn't really like much texting during work, so I refrained from it for the most part, but if I did text him, and he didn't respond.....I would be physically sick thinking another vanishing act was coming. I've been living in fear of that everyday, which I know is no way to live....and he couldn't figure out why that was my fear. In the end, he played on my fears......I didn't even get a rude breakup text or email this time. Part of me thinks he did that so he can come back around...and another part thinks hate mail is coming any minute. There was a long time, years, where he wasn't like this. I'm having a hard time coming to grips with that, I keep remembering the good things....I'm somehow able to block out and dismiss the bad. Is he just sitting back laughing at me?
Natsume21 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Thank you so much for the reply. I know what you are saying is true, and if I was reading my story....and it was someone else I'd tell them to get a grip. I don't know how I became this person. I don't know how it got to this. It's a slow process. All of my friends are telling me that there is no way he will find anyone like me....but I disagree, he'll just train someone else. A couple of guys I work with, doctors....nice guys, have asked me out, I want nothing to do with it. I'm sitting in tears for a week so far, wasting my vacation days because I can't work, and I'm sure he's not doing that....he's out doing someone....or something, for sure. Not a word from him. In the last few months since we got back together-ish, he would criticize me for having abandonment issues. I feel like dang, that's not nice....he created this ****. He didn't really like much texting during work, so I refrained from it for the most part, but if I did text him, and he didn't respond.....I would be physically sick thinking another vanishing act was coming. I've been living in fear of that everyday, which I know is no way to live....and he couldn't figure out why that was my fear. In the end, he played on my fears......I didn't even get a rude breakup text or email this time. Part of me thinks he did that so he can come back around...and another part thinks hate mail is coming any minute. There was a long time, years, where he wasn't like this. I'm having a hard time coming to grips with that, I keep remembering the good things....I'm somehow able to block out and dismiss the bad. Is he just sitting back laughing at me? First things first, remove the notion that you're the only one that has been through the sudden "long term relationship breakdown" phase. I can vouch for you that you aren't, despite your emotions. I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend for 3 years. One day she completely CHANGED before my eyes. She went from quiet, reserved and passionate, to loud, brash, shallow and extremely extroverted. It was like a switch went off. I tried to rationalize it, but I just realized that even if I could explain why she changed, what good would it do? I'd have a reason, but nothing would change. He would still be gone. Your issue is that everytime we say something, you think so lowly of yourself that you beat yourself up even more. You are both extremely co-dependent and have low-self-esteem. A friend of mine was your age. She's so scare of growing old alone she pursued a married man to settle down with. Trust me, the sight of it is pretty pathetic and ironically, she ended up treating me like crap and I walked away from probably the only man dumb enough to put up with her double standard crap. The issue is you view this man WAY too highly. Maybe you think that his money shows that he is an amazing catch. He's not. In fact, it's a common misconception among people that if a person has lots of money and a successful career, they must be extremely hard workers and amazing people, when they couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes, it's all about knowing the right people, in the right places, at the right time. Circumstances do shape destinies just as much as choices do. Once you realize that, you can see this man on equal ground instead of the pedestal you place him on. Because you view this man so highly, you can't get over it cause he has both money, connections, and options. To walk away from this would just solidify the already-biting notion that you aren't good enough for anyone important, which means, you aren't good enough to anyone. Your mind is over-exaggerating the fact that aside from the flash, he is a man acting like a kid, and do you want to get married to THAT? See this man for who he is as a person, not what he makes or who he knows, cause if you were in his positions in life, you may have ended up just as well off as him. But you're financially independent, which I'm guessing doesn't give you much time to date, huh? You seem like a loyal woman, and that's a great quality, but let me be honest here. Men in his position are SWARMED with attention, not cause he's handsome, but because he's in a high-career position and a lot of immature women tend to flock to them purely for the financial security and the bragging rights. You were gonna have competition no matter how much you loved him. So to have been so COMPLETELY giving to him when he wasn't even being attentive and appreciative, it's no wonder he lost interest. Dude had MONEY...he had the ability to pay for at least SOME things, not cause it's the social norm(that's bs, in my opinion) but because when you're interested in someone, you show them that you care in the best way you know how. That's because HE CAN do it. First things first, kill this notion that he's better than you. Take back your power and accept your pain. You're still a human being with free will, and if you don't enforce that, you WILL end up alone cause no real marriage material man will respect that. Second, seek counseling and try to figure out why you're so hard on yourself when you've done amazing for yourself. Third, accept this truth: Most relationships do die. It's not about having a relationship forever, it's accepting the ones that happened in the past, and look forward to the new ones that pop up. The beauty of life is in the experience, and even if it feels like FOREVER, it could be gone the next day. That's why it's precious. If it was forever people wouldn't appreciate it. Drop this dude and let him go. You deserve to be happy and treated fairly. Stop caring about what he's doing cause, if you haven't realized it, you're FREE!!!!!!!!!!! You can go date that hot doctor on floor B if you want, cause you aren't tied to anyone. Realize your power, and go boost that ego within yourself, and soon you'll wonder what you saw in this joker. "A man's riches can be used as a crutch for what he lacks in his heart." Edited May 20, 2014 by Natsume21 2
Author gardeniagirl Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Some of you may have read my post on my being dumped four years into an engagement in January. Went no contact for 30 days.....sent a message, we met up and it was on again. I've been discarded twice since that one. The most recent, last week came out of the blue....total sideswipe. I thought things were going great. He will not talk to me AT all, hasn't responded to anything. What does the silence mean? If he wanted to break up....he could just say so. Why the silent treatment?
Keenly Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Some of you may have read my post on my being dumped four years into an engagement in January. Went no contact for 30 days.....sent a message, we met up and it was on again. I've been discarded twice since that one. The most recent, last week came out of the blue....total sideswipe. I thought things were going great. He will not talk to me AT all, hasn't responded to anything. What does the silence mean? If he wanted to break up....he could just say so. Why the silent treatment? The silence means the time to move on was after he left the first time. you need to place more value on yourself. 2
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