Question for you guys [update- me crazy?]

[gardeniagirl]

Three year relationship with love of my life. We are both in our 40's. All good for three plus year, we got engaged last summer. Last fall, he took a new job....new friends....went from a really stable non-drinker/non partier, to exactly that. Wanted to stay out until 4 am in clubs with loser friend who is 5x divorced, 45 and has a 20 something girlfriend. I didn't like that, we are working people and I'm a mom. New friend/coworkers started to try and pry his time....we would fight about the going out, and all night parties he was hosting at our home.

 

I came home from work five months ago to find he'd loaded up my stuff and moved me into a moving van. I was devastated. The boss and work friends were there laughing. I had pneumonia at the time, slept in my car for three nights.

 

I begged him to see me about 2 weeks later, after countless calls. We went on a weekend away, it was glorious and he promised we were okay and working things out. When we got home, he went to his house....promised me we'd go away again that weekend. Didn't happen. Wouldn't take calls. Vanished. A week later I got a type of breakup letter, demanding money and things.

 

We didn't have any contact for about two months. I was crushed. I was near suicide. I finally called and begged him to talk to me. We met for coffee and the whole thing started up again. We were together nonstop, he was hiding me though from coworkers who had now partially moved into his house and had almost full control of him....having raging parties every weekend, madness.

 

We took some weekends away, and finally some of the friends were told about me. They protested. There became a push and pull. Boyfriend caught in the middle. Kept professing love for me, stating how much he'd missed me and how they had pushed him to get rid of me. One of the coworkers insisted his 20 something female friend move into bf's house. He allowed it and when I protested.....I was immediately dumped the next day with a cruel letter that I know the friends wrote.

 

Two weeks go by. I was crushed. I stopped working, hid in my house. I wouldn't answer calls, he didn't try. My parents started looking for me, and finally boyfriend came with work thugs to check on me and broke into my house. Saw bf and burst into tears, mean thug coworker insisted "okay she's alive, we are all leaving" and he did just that. A few days later he showed back up, promising he loved me, needed me, was sad without me and told them all to back off he wanted to make this work. He promised to never abandon me again. Promised that if his feelings were waning he would talk to me first.

 

I started staying at his house again, but was not allowed clothes there because the coworkers constantly come in and out. They have the codes, garage openers, etc. It's madness. We had lovely weekends again out of town, came home to raging messes from the parties they would have at bf's house while we were gone. I did not say a word about any of them, only was positive about bf and life.

 

Last week I went out of town for work. BF was loving and attentive the entire time I was gone. Up until I was at the airport gate on my way home, he was texting me he loved and missed me. I got home, he would not answer the door. Gate codes changed. Locks changed. Will not respond to me or calls or texts. Just vanished.

 

I'm crushed. I don't understand. I don't think the coworkers knew about me, and maybe found out and I had to be dismissed. I don't know. So confused. So hurt, didn't go to work all last week and afraid of getting fired but can't function.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Natsume21]

Three year relationship with love of my life. We are both in our 40's. All good for three plus year, we got engaged last summer. Last fall, he took a new job....new friends....went from a really stable non-drinker/non partier, to exactly that. Wanted to stay out until 4 am in clubs with loser friend who is 5x divorced, 45 and has a 20 something girlfriend. I didn't like that, we are working people and I'm a mom. New friend/coworkers started to try and pry his time....we would fight about the going out, and all night parties he was hosting at our home.

 

I came home from work five months ago to find he'd loaded up my stuff and moved me into a moving van. I was devastated. The boss and work friends were there laughing. I had pneumonia at the time, slept in my car for three nights.

 

I begged him to see me about 2 weeks later, after countless calls. We went on a weekend away, it was glorious and he promised we were okay and working things out. When we got home, he went to his house....promised me we'd go away again that weekend. Didn't happen. Wouldn't take calls. Vanished. A week later I got a type of breakup letter, demanding money and things.

 

We didn't have any contact for about two months. I was crushed. I was near suicide. I finally called and begged him to talk to me. We met for coffee and the whole thing started up again. We were together nonstop, he was hiding me though from coworkers who had now partially moved into his house and had almost full control of him....having raging parties every weekend, madness.

 

We took some weekends away, and finally some of the friends were told about me. They protested. There became a push and pull. Boyfriend caught in the middle. Kept professing love for me, stating how much he'd missed me and how they had pushed him to get rid of me. One of the coworkers insisted his 20 something female friend move into bf's house. He allowed it and when I protested.....I was immediately dumped the next day with a cruel letter that I know the friends wrote.

 

Two weeks go by. I was crushed. I stopped working, hid in my house. I wouldn't answer calls, he didn't try. My parents started looking for me, and finally boyfriend came with work thugs to check on me and broke into my house. Saw bf and burst into tears, mean thug coworker insisted "okay she's alive, we are all leaving" and he did just that. A few days later he showed back up, promising he loved me, needed me, was sad without me and told them all to back off he wanted to make this work. He promised to never abandon me again. Promised that if his feelings were waning he would talk to me first.

 

I started staying at his house again, but was not allowed clothes there because the coworkers constantly come in and out. They have the codes, garage openers, etc. It's madness. We had lovely weekends again out of town, came home to raging messes from the parties they would have at bf's house while we were gone. I did not say a word about any of them, only was positive about bf and life.

 

Last week I went out of town for work. BF was loving and attentive the entire time I was gone. Up until I was at the airport gate on my way home, he was texting me he loved and missed me. I got home, he would not answer the door. Gate codes changed. Locks changed. Will not respond to me or calls or texts. Just vanished.

 

I'm crushed. I don't understand. I don't think the coworkers knew about me, and maybe found out and I had to be dismissed. I don't know. So confused. So hurt, didn't go to work all last week and afraid of getting fired but can't function.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Oh, I read it, all right.

 

And I don't know where to begin here. But this is totally "Grass is Greener" stuff, or to be more specific

 

"Your ex boyfriend doesn't have a backbone" syndrome.

 

Leave this man behind. Ahem, excuse me. Leave this BOY behind.

 

This dude is all kinds of wrong for you. I can't even emphasize that fact. Treat yourself better, and lose this basketcase.

 

If he can't defend you against his friends, then he's not marriage or dating material. Drop him and feel the weight off your shoulders.

[Elle1975]

I agree with Nat. This is madness. If you hadn't specified your age, I would have thought he was in his early 20s. And I'd still think he's a "basketcase" too.

 

Cut all contacts. This is crazy and not fixable.

[gardeniagirl]

I'm trying to stay calm, I don't think I'm in a place where I can let it go. I know that sounds pathetic. I keep wanting to believe his words, not his actions. I know he has free agency, but he told me himself that he didn't want to vanish las time....but was influenced. I don't know what to do. I'm crushed.

 

What's with the no response to any form of communication for five days? Why not just talk to me?

 

Thanks for the replies...I have zero support system, he's my world here. Ugh.

[Natsume21]

 

Thanks for the replies...I have zero support system, he's my world here. Ugh.

 

For future reference, never let ANYONE you date be your only support system. Make friends. They'll cushion your fall.

 

As for this dude, a man in his 40s acting like a frat boy is pathetic. I don't mind having a little party at that age every now and then, but not when I got a woman, a family, and a child.

 

This dude wreaks of immature loser. Don't question the "whys" unless it's "Why am I not running sooner from this?"

[Elle1975]

I'm trying to stay calm, I don't think I'm in a place where I can let it go. I know that sounds pathetic. I keep wanting to believe his words, not his actions. I know he has free agency, but he told me himself that he didn't want to vanish las time....but was influenced. I don't know what to do. I'm crushed.

 

What's with the no response to any form of communication for five days? Why not just talk to me?

 

Thanks for the replies...I have zero support system, he's my world here. Ugh.

 

Well, if he was 13 years old, I could see how his friends would have such a bad influence, but he's a grown man, so this excuse goes out the window.

 

Why do you go for someone who can't protect you, as a real man would? I know it has something to do with your self-esteem, but think about it.. this is not right.

[Natsume21]

Just saying, I know 13 year old boys who aren't this stupid.

[gardeniagirl]

Thank you for the sweet replies. I know it sounds HIDEOUS! I sound like an epic loser, and I would tell someone the same thing...having said that, I do everything for him. He makes six figures, I do not, lol. However I pay for all meals, groceries, trips, entertainment...you name it. I get up everyday at four and make protein shakes, healthy snacks, breakfast and lunch for him to take to work. I work my full day as a nurse, so true, I'm not completely with out a brain. I rush home and do the same. He usually likes a three hour back rub at night, I do it. He's very handsome, and very fit, and I think he believes that if I won't do it, someone else will. I have come to fear that, a lot.

 

It sounds tragic and pathetic. I was such a mess when this first happened.....when we got back together....I felt alive again. Everyone asks why would I do all of this stuff for him, when he doesn't even take me to dinner ever? I guess because I love him.

 

And wouldn't he really miss me? He doesn't even get a glass of water for himself, go to a grocery store, nothing. I do everything....not exagerating. What a mess. I've spent six days crying....haven't heard from him once.

[Elle1975]

Just saying, I know 13 year old boys who aren't this stupid.

 

I know my brother would not stand by this if I was the one in such trouble, even when he was 13. I actually don't talk to him much about my love life, he's 39 now, I don't want him to come rushing to my rescue!

[Natsume21]

Thank you for the sweet replies. I know it sounds HIDEOUS! I sound like an epic loser, and I would tell someone the same thing...having said that, I do everything for him. He makes six figures, I do not, lol. However I pay for all meals, groceries, trips, entertainment...you name it. I get up everyday at four and make protein shakes, healthy snacks, breakfast and lunch for him to take to work. I work my full day as a nurse, so true, I'm not completely with out a brain. I rush home and do the same. He usually likes a three hour back rub at night, I do it. He's very handsome, and very fit, and I think he believes that if I won't do it, someone else will. I have come to fear that, a lot.

 

It sounds tragic and pathetic. I was such a mess when this first happened.....when we got back together....I felt alive again. Everyone asks why would I do all of this stuff for him, when he doesn't even take me to dinner ever? I guess because I love him.

 

And wouldn't he really miss me? He doesn't even get a glass of water for himself, go to a grocery store, nothing. I do everything....not exagerating. What a mess. I've spent six days crying....haven't heard from him once.

 

Let me get this straight...while I'm flipping burgers in hopes of getting my degree and live in a trailer park, dude over here is making six figures, meaning 100 grand or more(holy mother of God) and yet, you're paying for his crap and he's treating you like THIS?

 

You kidding? If I had a woman nice and fair enough to pay for my stuff, I'd be so grateful my head would explode. I believe that a man should do what it takes to show his woman, cash or not, that he cares for her.

 

From the description, sounds like your classic case of falling in love with a way too eligible bachelor. Y

 

This dude just takes, takes, takes. Quit this crap. Dude's too immature.

[Elle1975]

Thank you for the sweet replies. I know it sounds HIDEOUS! I sound like an epic loser, and I would tell someone the same thing...having said that, I do everything for him. He makes six figures, I do not, lol. However I pay for all meals, groceries, trips, entertainment...you name it. I get up everyday at four and make protein shakes, healthy snacks, breakfast and lunch for him to take to work. I work my full day as a nurse, so true, I'm not completely with out a brain. I rush home and do the same. He usually likes a three hour back rub at night, I do it. He's very handsome, and very fit, and I think he believes that if I won't do it, someone else will. I have come to fear that, a lot.

 

It sounds tragic and pathetic. I was such a mess when this first happened.....when we got back together....I felt alive again. Everyone asks why would I do all of this stuff for him, when he doesn't even take me to dinner ever? I guess because I love him.

 

And wouldn't he really miss me? He doesn't even get a glass of water for himself, go to a grocery store, nothing. I do everything....not exagerating. What a mess. I've spent six days crying....haven't heard from him once.

 

Since you're a nurse, you're financially independent. And this financial independence is a huge part of what you need to meet somebody else.

 

I agree with Nat.. He should be the one taking care of you, and you should let him. I believe that a woman should be treated like one, and the same is true for a man. Like Nat say, if you don't have any money, you can still be a real man (fix her car, take her see a movie etc..). This guy is doing none of that. He's super selfish. Not sure why you think you can't get any better. I mean anything else but a crackhead is probably better.

 

Dry your tears, and seek therapy. You have a huge problem you need to fix, and it's not going to happen on its own. Since you are a nurse, I take it you have health insurance, and you probably know where to go.

[Natsume21]

Since you're a nurse, you're financially independent. And this financial independence is a huge part of what you need to meet somebody else.

 

I agree with Nat.. He should be the one taking care of you, and you should let him. I believe that a woman should be treated like one, and the same is true for a man. Like Nat say, if you don't have any money, you can still be a real man (fix her car, take her see a movie etc..). This guy is doing none of that. He's super selfish. Not sure why you think you can't get any better. I mean anything else but a crackhead is probably better.

 

Dry your tears, and seek therapy. You have a huge problem you need to fix, and it's not going to happen on its own. Since you are a nurse, I take it you have health insurance, and you probably know where to go.

 

For example, my ex made more money than me, but she was terrible at electronics.

 

Her car battery had troubles, I fixed it. Hydraulics leakage, got the supplies and research to fix the job. Her hard drive gave her problems, I fixed it.

 

When we made plans, I was the one who initated them, even if she was the one who paid(which she did most of the time.)

 

The idea is a man has to be attentive to a woman's needs, no matter what.

[Elle1975]

For example, my ex made more money than me, but she was terrible at electronics.

 

Her car battery had troubles, I fixed it. Hydraulics leakage, got the supplies and research to fix the job. Her hard drive gave her problems, I fixed it.

 

When we made plans, I was the one who initated them, even if she was the one who paid(which she did most of the time.)

 

The idea is a man has to be attentive to a woman's needs, no matter what.

 

And a woman should #1 Appreciate him for it #2 let him do that for you!!

[Natsume21]

And a woman should #1 Appreciate him for it #2 let him do that for you!!

 

Thank you!

 

My ex didn't appreciate it. But hey, her mother was racist so I was fighting against family.

 

She'll find happiness in the realm of romance, and so will I, and so will you, OP, once you drop about 100k worth of dead weight.

 

You're not even a good gold digger. If he's gonna treat you like this, at least get PAID to do it.

 

Otherwise, seek therapy. You obviously have a reason for these options. See yourself for what you can do.

 

Heck, I like older women. You sound like my kinda woman. See? If I can see your beauty, SOME OTHER GUY will.

 

Chin up, obviously cause a rich bachelor saw and acknowledged you, now but your talents and heart to good use, and work it, girl!--Natsume21

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

I don't buy this story at all. No way people in their 40's are going to allow others to control them they it's described of the BF. I am in your age range. I have had my share of horribly sick codependent/alcoholic relationships. Yours doesn't jibe. It may be *your* truth, but it's distorted.

 

Sounds like addict behavior, but he is still an adult. makes his own choices. He's probably using the co-worker dependency as a scapegoat to string you along. The real question is you comment about "not being in a place to let go". What place more to be in than being used and abused, driving you mad, to let go?

 

Let go...or be dragged.

[gardeniagirl]

Thanks for the support everyone. BGP, I know it seems crazy....and trust me, he had issues before the other guy came into the picture. This guy has amplified it though....he makes everything a zillion times worse. I have seen my guy go from a strong, confident, independent thinker....into kind of a sniveling idiot. If the boss guy said jump off a cliff, he'd do it. He's allowing his home to be trashed.....and this guy was so meticulous I couldn't stand it....and I still get berated if I leave a soda can out or something tiny like that.

 

The bf is terrified of the boss. He finally got the promotion a couple of weeks ago, and then two weeks later I was gone. He didn't want me leaving anything at the house that guy might see.

 

It's hard for me to understand.....I pay for everything, clean everything, do all of the laundry, dropping off and picking up of dry cleaning or anything, bring any food request, prepare about 9 meals/snacks a day, buy all of his clothes, take care of everything, have meals ready everynight, whatever he wants....and I PAY FOR EVERYTHING. You might ask why I do this, because I love him and I'm being kind. He is a major workout guy, always wants a 2-3 hour back rub, which I glady do. Sometimes in the middle of the night he will want that, and I stay awake and do it. I never say no. How is it that he doesn't miss that? He won't even get up to get a glass of water. If I'm eating my dinner, or anything like that, he'll say.....rub my back.....when he can clearly see I'm not finished eating. It's all about him....so why isn't that good enough? I'm attractive, I'm smart, I have a good job. I take him on weekend getaways every weekend, at least two nights hotel.......ski lift tickets, food, shows, hotels....whatever it is I pay. He always wants clothes and goodies....I buy. And he constantly says he loves me and was miserable without me. Can you just sit an lie about that?

 

Ugh, I'm rambling.

[Natsume21]

Thanks for the support everyone. BGP, I know it seems crazy....and trust me, he had issues before the other guy came into the picture. This guy has amplified it though....he makes everything a zillion times worse. I have seen my guy go from a strong, confident, independent thinker....into kind of a sniveling idiot. If the boss guy said jump off a cliff, he'd do it. He's allowing his home to be trashed.....and this guy was so meticulous I couldn't stand it....and I still get berated if I leave a soda can out or something tiny like that.

 

The bf is terrified of the boss. He finally got the promotion a couple of weeks ago, and then two weeks later I was gone. He didn't want me leaving anything at the house that guy might see.

 

It's hard for me to understand.....I pay for everything, clean everything, do all of the laundry, dropping off and picking up of dry cleaning or anything, bring any food request, prepare about 9 meals/snacks a day, buy all of his clothes, take care of everything, have meals ready everynight, whatever he wants....and I PAY FOR EVERYTHING. You might ask why I do this, because I love him and I'm being kind. He is a major workout guy, always wants a 2-3 hour back rub, which I glady do. Sometimes in the middle of the night he will want that, and I stay awake and do it. I never say no. How is it that he doesn't miss that? He won't even get up to get a glass of water. If I'm eating my dinner, or anything like that, he'll say.....rub my back.....when he can clearly see I'm not finished eating. It's all about him....so why isn't that good enough? I'm attractive, I'm smart, I have a good job. I take him on weekend getaways every weekend, at least two nights hotel.......ski lift tickets, food, shows, hotels....whatever it is I pay. He always wants clothes and goodies....I buy. And he constantly says he loves me and was miserable without me. Can you just sit an lie about that?

 

Ugh, I'm rambling.

 

You sound like an amazing woman. I don't know what it's gonna take, but I will romance you like you've never seen. You are a catch, aside from the low-self esteem problems.

 

Any person can lie to others faces when they aren't interested in that person, but you were providing a service to him.

 

I ask again, are you single? I'm thinking about pursuing, cause at this rate, I'd stand a better chance at being a man more than this chump.

 

You honestly don't need him.

[gardeniagirl]

Has anyone had this happen? This is bothering me the most. Broke up after 4 years in Jan. I was destroyed. NC 26 days, met for coffee and it was back on. 6 weeks later....vanished. Destroyed again. Begged and went crazy that time.....it was back on. Four weeks later, I came home from work after he texted me lovey stuff all day, missed me, blah blah blah. We are grown ups, in our 40's........ps, and I come home from work and GONE!

 

After the third vanishing act, he promised me he would never do that again. Knows I'm suffering from abandonment issues....that promise lasted 4 weeks. He won't respond to any forms of communication, it has been a week.

 

Help? Why?

[Tressugar]

That selfish bastard! Men who pull the disappearing act are cowards. Don't ever grovel after any man when they leave you. And don't go and chase him down and beg him to come back. You only want men who want you!

 

Men will be where their heart is.

[greenbee81]

Maybe he's playing games?

 

I do the vanishing act (NC) but I don't promise anything or send any form or reply or contact.

 

I would just let it go and heal yourself.

[flitzanu]

Has anyone had this happen? This is bothering me the most. Broke up after 4 years in Jan. I was destroyed. NC 26 days, met for coffee and it was back on. 6 weeks later....vanished. Destroyed again. Begged and went crazy that time.....it was back on. Four weeks later, I came home from work after he texted me lovey stuff all day, missed me, blah blah blah. We are grown ups, in our 40's........ps, and I come home from work and GONE!

 

After the third vanishing act, he promised me he would never do that again. Knows I'm suffering from abandonment issues....that promise lasted 4 weeks. He won't respond to any forms of communication, it has been a week.

 

Help? Why?

 

i'm hoping now that after the third time you are seeing that this isn't working out, and that perhaps you should stop expecting it to. i'd say it's a pretty clear sign that he doesn't want to be with you or commit to you, regardless of any pretty words he's sending. actions do speak louder than words in these situations.

[mtnbiker3000]

Sounds like you suffer from severe low self esteem and low self worth. You stay in a toxic relationship simply out of fear of being alone. Fear that you can't do any better.

 

And that fact that you 'never say no' indicates you do not understand or enforce your own wants and needs. Based on what you have described about your own actions in this thread indicates very clearly you need help. Are you in therapy??

 

Or is this whole thread a troll??

Edited May 19, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[Poppygoodwill]

He's ****ing with you, and he knows it.

 

I would wager that there is another woman and the idea of her was more appealing than the reality he's facing - which means he's bouncing between you and her, trying to decide which one he wants.

 

I know it's incredibly painful to have your heart jerked around, so I say this gently, but I think you have to follow this advice:

 

Maintain Your Dignity.

 

If he gets in touch again, if you feel like calling him in your wounded state, think: Maintain Your Dignity. It will stop you.

 

And in the long run, you won't focus on his betrayal and stupidity, but on why you kept going back for more.

 

Stop the patterns.

 

Maintain Your Dignity.

 

Sending hugs.

[gardeniagirl]

I am in my 40's, and I would tell any friend or family in this situation to give it up.....but I'm just devastated. I haven't heard from him in almost a week, I'm crushed. Everyone tells me to give it up....etc....but I am just so broken.

 

I keep hanging on to the things that he said each time we got back together.....that he missed me, that it was so hard without me, that he was caught in the middle. But, I also know he has free agency, and in the end he is making the decision. I'm not sleeping.....losing weight at a rapid pace, I'm gutted. I don't know how to stop caring. I know he's been horrible to me.............everyone says he's a sociopath.

[gardeniagirl]

I get it...I'm pathetic, it feels terrible though.. I keep thinking of the positive stuff.......I keep thinking about the promises, even though he's broken them now. I did everything for him, how does he not miss that? We were together for 4 years nonstop, then he dumped me for 2 months.....and then he sat there saying how much he missed me....etc., I believed it. He was so believable. I wanted to believe it. I'm hurting so bad.