Zenstudent Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I read recently a thread that said how easy it was to have an A, for me, it would be the hardest thing. I have my own set of rules that I choose to live by, having an A, indeed any sort of betrayal is anathema to me. It goes against all I believe in, to forgive H's a took a lot, how to reconcile his actions with my value base? but I am realistic and know that I can have no control over others, just me. I could and would never, ever intentionally hurt another, and A hurts more than I thought possible, so why would I do this, how could I look myself in the mirror knowing that someone was hurting another just so we could have fun? I would leave and insist they leave before i even went past first base. We most of us have had chance to step outside a relationship if we chose, most of us have experienced the humdrum, normalcy of everyday relationships, had I reached the stage when I could imagine or wanted to be with someone else I would leave, after trying to fix the relationship I was in. I also am arrogant enough to think that if someone wants me, then they had better make sure they are free to pursue me, sharing the person I love with another is not something I would knowingly do, for no other reason than I am damned worth it. H's A, did, for a while, make me look at my role in our relationship, I changed how I did some things, but to have it change my core values, no. If anything, knowing how hurtful and destructive A's are, inflicting this pain on another is the last thing I would knowingly do. This is 100% what I believe - in my head. My feelings are a bit different though. Before my wifes affair, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind; cheating is something you just don't do. It never even crossed my mind, never, never had the itch or urge. After her affair, I now know that it IS in fact something that is "OK" in our relationship, at least to her it is, given circumstances, wows and history isn't important. She may even do it again, for all I care, I can't be certain of anything anymore. Also, infidelity is becoming the new normal, everybody cheat around - well almost everybody it seems, statistically at least - half of the couples we know, will be affected by infidelity somewhere down the line. So maybe it's me who is in the wrong, me who is too old fashion and not adapting to change in environment, who knows? To sum it up, now it's a possibility, it wasn't before. I still hope, still believe, that I won't change my own values in this regard - it's just that the bar has been significantly lowered during this experience. 1
suckerpunch55 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I thought about it , a revenge affair that is, but then I'd be as bad as my wife and her no good bf.
drifter777 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Sorry I don't agree. This was our MC. She has rare and specialized background for our situation that would be impossible to duplicate or find. She spent a year on us as a couple fixed some marriage and old affair issues hoping the sex would be tied to this improvement She finally realized what I knew all along was that my wife needed individual counseling. It is likely we will resume couples work This summer after they talk more individually. For now the resolution requires one one work woman to woman without me involved. My wife's situation is complicated and this is the person ideally suited to help her. I have not done my best in helping. I have my marching orders in the mean time to work on my own issues before we resume couples. I have my own different IC to work with. I hope it works for you but there is nothing for you to disagree with here. It is patently a conflict of interest for a counselor to see one party as an IC while seeing the couple for MC. Certainly a MC will want to see each party 1-on-1 from time to time, but those sessions are well defined as part of the MC and whatever comes from the session will be shared with their partner. Since this counselor is now your wife's IC he/she should insist that you work with a different counselor if you decide to resume MC. But, again, its your life so do what you want.
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