jm2013 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) So you untangled some of your spouse's lies and found out about the affair and it is devastating. With that being said, they try to make things right with you but you have your wall way up high. How do you rebuild the trust and where do you start? So during that time of figuring things out and and mulling over rebuilding your marriage with your spouse who has betrayed beyond levels you've never imagined, somebody else inadvertently shows up in your life. Would you be more vulnerable to your own affair? Would you just leave your spouse for the other person and give your spouse a full disclosure? I know this sounds kind of strange but I'm willing to guess this happens a lot. I know each situation is uniquely different. But there's got to be a point where the betrayed spouse is so emotionally beat down from this that a 3rd party who may come into your live inadvertently one day may start looking a little more appealing than what you're dealing with currently. And by the way, if you're curious this has no meaning to my own personal situation or reflection of what is happening currently to me. It was just a question. Cause I know I feel a lot different now 8 months later than I did. And sometimes I think if this were to happen the feelings would probably be easy to build up for somebody else cause it is new and would probably feel more trusting than the current one filled with emotional chaos and trauma. Edited May 21, 2014 by jm2013 1
revelations Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I would not say that I would be more vulnerable to an affair. I would say that I would have no trouble leaving the WW for anyone else. At that point anyone else has two major things going for them that the WW does not. One they have not cheated on me and two they have not lied to me. So at this point any other woman would make a better wife to me than what I had. I don't know I guess it is just the way I look at things. After all the minute someone cheats in a marriage as far as I am concerned the marriage is over at that point. They broke the contract so I am no longer obligated to them. Someone else comes along they automatically have something the WW can never offer again. That being loyal and being honest, because they have not yet broken it. However everyone is different, most believe the marriage is still intact even if the WS keeps cheating. Some believe that the WS still has something to offer. If they are able to do that and they are okay with it, that is fine. I am just not that way. However I can see were people would be tempted and not just on the honesty or loyalty points. The BS might want to have a little fun of their own. They know that their WS has got to have some fun on the side and the BS may feel like they are missing out. I am not talking so much of a revenge thing, just that they may want something different for a while. So I imagine that a BS might be tempted, however I would not know for sure I always left the WS.
dichotomy Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Yes I am more vulnerable to having an affair myself. Not out of revenge, but for more complex reasons that I blame my wife for. Because of these reasons I would say I have gone from affair proof to merely affair resistant. I am not looking or pursuing or chasing any women - I have boundaries ....but I might struggle in my head - if a blatant No strings no risk offer was made I believe I received an initial interest from a woman last year, but it was not blatant and it would have been a mess if real. I remain committed to my wife and just wish she would... listen to our therapist and make the marriage strong like it used to be.. 2
Furious Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 So you untangled some of your spouse's lies and found out about the affair and it is devastating. With that being said, they try to make things right with you but you have your wall way up high. How do you rebuild the trust and where do you start? So during that time of figuring things out and and mulling over rebuilding your marriage with your spouse who has betrayed beyond levels you've never imagined, somebody else inadvertently shows up in your life. Would you be more vulnerable to your own affair? Would you just leave your spouse for the other person and give your spouse a full disclosure? I know this sounds kind of strange but I'm willing to guess this happens a lot. I know each situation is uniquely different. But there's got to be a point where the betrayed spouse is so emotionally beat down from this that a 3rd party who may come into your live inadvertently one day may start looking a little more appealing than what you're dealing with currently. And by the way, if you're curious this has no meaning to my own personal situation or reflection of what is happening currently to me. It was just a question. Cause I know I feel a lot different now 8 months later than I did. And sometimes I think if this were to happen the feelings would probably be easy to build up for somebody else cause it is new and would probably feel more trusting than the current one filled with emotional chaos and trauma. Actually, it's made me more self assured. Being cheated on is more about the cheater than it is about being cheated on. A cheater does not define your self worth. It's a dangerous slope to buy into the poor choices someone else makes. Self esteem comes from within....to believe otherwise is to give up your self worth upon the actions of others. I had and have no interest in being involved in a revenge affair, because that's an unhealthy reaction to being betrayed. I would never do to someone elses's spouse that was done to me. 6
dichotomy Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) Added response. Early on I had self esteem issues....I solved those mostly to a reasonable level in therapy. Not part of the issue here for me. I don't need a woman or affair to make me feel masculine or sexy and desirable ....I believe I am pretty good there for a middle aged guy. I just want to be with a woman who agrees with me by her actions ... ... and I hope that turns out to be my wife. Edited May 21, 2014 by dichotomy 6
HermioneG Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Actually, it's made me more self assured. Being cheated on is more about the cheater than it is about being cheated on. A cheater does not define your self worth. It's a dangerous slope to buy into the poor choices someone else makes. Self esteem comes from within....to believe otherwise is to give up your self worth upon the actions of others. I had and have no interest in being involved in a revenge affair, because that's an unhealthy reaction to being betrayed. I would never do to someone elses's spouse that was done to me. Word. Exactly this. My boundaries have always been tight, my self esteem solid. His affair did not change those parts of me, they only highlighted them and reinforced them. 3
janedoe67 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I would hope not. Because if an A is wrong, it's wrong no matter what happened "first."
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 . I remain committed to my wife and just wish she would... listen to our therapist and make the marriage strong like it used to be.. ....I believe I am pretty good there for a middle aged guy. I just want to be with a woman who agrees with me by her actions ... and I hope that turns out to be my wife. No - her cheating devastated me and the thought of going out on her never occurred to me. dichotomy: what's up with your WW? Is she committed to R or just fooling around? You know how things are going to end up if she's not as committed as you. 1
dichotomy Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 dichotomy: what's up with your WW? Is she committed to R or just fooling around? You know how things are going to end up if she's not as committed as you. She was committed to staying and NC after dDay But it was a long running battle for accountability and regret for her choices. We have kind of "met in the middle" on significance of adultery. Now we (I) face a low sex marriage. Not a good mix for my susceptibility to an affair myself - which was the point of this thread. I have a very good therapist helping us and wife is now going alone for IC with her. 1
Red123 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I actually think much less vulnerable to ever having an affair. I have always been super friendly, confident and at times flirty all in the name of having a good time, i thought it was harmless since i didn't cross the line. I also never understood the depth of pain an A could cause until this. It has actually made me take a good look at myself and my boundaries with men. I grew up with mainly guys so I have always had a natural comfort around them, but could never see how other women could be leery of me. Man this has really had me reevaluate how I appear to others and I watch myself. 1
underwater2010 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Vulnerable...yes. It caused me to feel things more fully. My love for him, my kids and knowing that in order to feel true intimacy I needed to open up fully. With that intimacy comes realizing that I have no control (I am type A) over other people's actions. And that regardless of my behavior (short of no sex and berating him) he will chose to stay faithful in the future or not. What a reality check!!! Vulnerable in the sense that I would cheat....never. The chance presented itself within weeks of Dday....and I couldn't even consider it. I knew that he was in the palm of my hand....and the guilt/loathing stopped me cold in my tracks. It is one of many times that I put up a wall knowing that an affair emotional nor physical solves the issues in my marriage.
Woggle Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Ever since being cheated on I have become very hard line about it. I know what it feels like to be betrayed so I would never do it to anybody else and I would never put up with anybody that did it to me. I have little respect for those who betray a person's trust like that. 1
Awake Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I used to think that I would never have an affair, for 14+ years I was faithful. Even after my wife's affair I thought that I would never have one of my own. But, a combination of low self esteem, a great amount of stress, the realization that affairs are common, not being able to trust anyone, not trusting my wife to remain faithful and meeting an amazing woman has combined to put me right there, having an affair. Yes, my wife's affair made me vulnerable, but it in no way caused it. I can honestly say that she broke the road block, I would have never had one if she didn't do it first. But it was still my choice, and I don't blame her, she just opened my eyes to reality. It isn't about revenge, or hurting her though, I don't want that. 1
revelations Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Myself I look at having a revenge affair is wrong. However for me it is wrong because even if my wife or girlfriend at the time is hurt and upset by it, I still would not believe it. Truthfully anytime I have been cheated on I have had a hard time believing that these women were capable of feeling anything at all. To me they became an animate object that lacked any sort of feelings or compassion for someone else. Now in my book once a wife cheats on me I am no longer obligated to remain faithful to her. She has broken the marriage contract and at that point I no longer owe her anything beyond what I would give a common woman I would meet on the streets. For me the WW not only has to make proper amends and show remorse and guilt. She also has to start dating me and actually win back my love. I would only become faithful to her again once she has done all these things and she has also paid for another wedding. However any woman I have been with did not feel I was worth even making an amends too. So anymore if a woman says "I love you" to me, I ask "What do you want?" or "Why do you hate me?". Let's face it, masturbation and escorts look better and better everyday than to have to put up with these self-entitled type of women I seem to run into. 1
DKT3 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Once I was on to my wifes affair the "get back" feeling was strong. I put into motion a rump with a friend of a friend. My wife strongly disliked this woman. I'm thinking what better way. In the end I cared for my wife and the thought of allowing this woman to one up her didn't sit well with me. I glad I didn't, even after the divorce the first time my ex ran into me with another woman the pain in her eyes hurt me. Watching them start to water sent me into protect her mode. In my first several sexual encounters after the divorce it still felt emotionally like cheating. I felt guilt. I simply don't think I'm wired for cheating. I don't think I could have ever gone through with it. Had I, I'm not sure I could have forgiven myself. The answer to the question is yes, I had come closer to cheating then I ever had, and actually started to seek it out. 1
jnel921 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Obviously my WH beleived I was vulnerable since he dared have his A. Once all was out and exposed my walls went up and my armour came on. That's what happens. No one was appealing to me. Two wrongs don't make it right. The bottom line is that if you decide to stay and R you need to get it right and do it right. Like many posters here, I took my vows seriously and am saddened that I cannot look at my h and feel that our M was about only us. His desire for another person has definetly added some damage to our M that we are still working on. My walls are not completely down and my amour is still on. It's a work in progress. 2
Spectre Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Overall being cheated on gave me huge trust issues, even in future relationships. So cheating doesn't just damage the current relationship. For a while, I was convinced every woman out there was a cheater. I know this was wrong, but after being cheated on twice it's what I thought, but that mentality eventually faded, I know not everyone is like that. I'm in a relationship now, but there have been past relationships that failed due to the issues I had from being cheated on. 1
Spark1111 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 So you untangled some of your spouse's lies and found out about the affair and it is devastating. With that being said, they try to make things right with you but you have your wall way up high. How do you rebuild the trust and where do you start? So during that time of figuring things out and and mulling over rebuilding your marriage with your spouse who has betrayed beyond levels you've never imagined, somebody else inadvertently shows up in your life. Would you be more vulnerable to your own affair? Would you just leave your spouse for the other person and give your spouse a full disclosure? I know this sounds kind of strange but I'm willing to guess this happens a lot. I know each situation is uniquely different. But there's got to be a point where the betrayed spouse is so emotionally beat down from this that a 3rd party who may come into your live inadvertently one day may start looking a little more appealing than what you're dealing with currently. And by the way, if you're curious this has no meaning to my own personal situation or reflection of what is happening currently to me. It was just a question. Cause I know I feel a lot different now 8 months later than I did. And sometimes I think if this were to happen the feelings would probably be easy to build up for somebody else cause it is new and would probably feel more trusting than the current one filled with emotional chaos and trauma. When I discovered my fWS's affair with a co-worker, I threw him out to be with his "soulmate"' changed the locks and had a D attorney on speed dial..... And I was one big puddle of pain and vulnerability of insecure for the FIRST time in my life, I was one fragile, weakened fluff of need and insecurity. And the men sniffed and sensed it and CAME OUT OF THE WOODWORK to RESCUE me... From the gardener to the guy who installed the custom-made blinds to the young, young music teacher.... Oh boy(s)! And I thought I was losing my mind as the men started circling.... But I have ONLY older brothers and the oldest told me: BE careful here! watch out! stop it! because you will attract weaker men who are empowered by rescuing a damsel in distress.....( OH? Like my spouse and his D co-worker?) And the best, strongest men want an EQUAL partner, not some damsel in distress... YOU NEED to bring your A GAME to get an A Game man. Sound, great advice. THANK YOU brother! 2
Woggle Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 It's strange how with all the childhood abuse I never had much bitterness towards women until my ex cheated on me. I think it was a like straw that broke the camel's back. All those years of pain just came up and I was very angry towards women in general for some time. I came here shorty after my divorce and you all know what I was like back in those days. People underestimate how deep a betrayal can hurt. 3
Spark1111 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 It's strange how with all the childhood abuse I never had much bitterness towards women until my ex cheated on me. I think it was a like straw that broke the camel's back. All those years of pain just came up and I was very angry towards women in general for some time. I came here shorty after my divorce and you all know what I was like back in those days. People underestimate how deep a betrayal can hurt. Woggle, I understand....I really do. And as a woman, I found it hard to wrap my head around how basic men could be....how EASY they could be swayed, to be tempted. THAT was heartbreaking. I was NEVER THAT woman, yet a woman like that helped my H betray all he held dear. A few flatteries, compliments, sexual overtures during a low period in his life....he was toast! yes, VERY disillusioning indeed. 1
seren Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I read recently a thread that said how easy it was to have an A, for me, it would be the hardest thing. I have my own set of rules that I choose to live by, having an A, indeed any sort of betrayal is anathema to me. It goes against all I believe in, to forgive H's a took a lot, how to reconcile his actions with my value base? but I am realistic and know that I can have no control over others, just me. I could and would never, ever intentionally hurt another, and A hurts more than I thought possible, so why would I do this, how could I look myself in the mirror knowing that someone was hurting another just so we could have fun? I would leave and insist they leave before i even went past first base. We most of us have had chance to step outside a relationship if we chose, most of us have experienced the humdrum, normalcy of everyday relationships, had I reached the stage when I could imagine or wanted to be with someone else I would leave, after trying to fix the relationship I was in. I also am arrogant enough to think that if someone wants me, then they had better make sure they are free to pursue me, sharing the person I love with another is not something I would knowingly do, for no other reason than I am damned worth it. H's A, did, for a while, make me look at my role in our relationship, I changed how I did some things, but to have it change my core values, no. If anything, knowing how hurtful and destructive A's are, inflicting this pain on another is the last thing I would knowingly do. 4
ChooseTruth Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I learned so much about what causes affairs and how to prevent them that I'd say I'm less likely to have an affair. There's also the fact that I divorced, meaning this applies to fresh new relationships not the old broken one.
drifter777 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 She was committed to staying and NC after dDay But it was a long running battle for accountability and regret for her choices. We have kind of "met in the middle" on significance of adultery. Now we (I) face a low sex marriage. Not a good mix for my susceptibility to an affair myself - which was the point of this thread. I have a very good therapist helping us and wife is now going alone for IC with her. Wait - are you saying you both see the same therapist for IC? Or your wife is seeing the same counselor for IC that you both see for MC? Either way it is a huge conflict of interest and that counselor should be disciplined by their supervising board. No matter what your opinion of this counselor is you should stop seeing them immediately. You can't share an IC with your wife - period.
dichotomy Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) Wait - are you saying you both see the same therapist for IC? Or your wife is seeing the same counselor for IC that you both see for MC? Either way it is a huge conflict of interest and that counselor should be disciplined by their supervising board. No matter what your opinion of this counselor is you should stop seeing them immediately. You can't share an IC with your wife - period. Sorry I don't agree. This was our MC. She has rare and specialized background for our situation that would be impossible to duplicate or find. She spent a year on us as a couple fixed some marriage and old affair issues hoping the sex would be tied to this improvement She finally realized what I knew all along was that my wife needed individual counseling. It is likely we will resume couples work This summer after they talk more individually. For now the resolution requires one one work woman to woman without me involved. My wife's situation is complicated and this is the person ideally suited to help her. I have not done my best in helping. I have my marching orders in the mean time to work on my own issues before we resume couples. I have my own different IC to work with. Edited May 30, 2014 by dichotomy
Trustnoone Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Do I feel vulnerable? No. WW's affair only made me more resilient to my vows, integrity, self respect. In fact I would say if anything even more affair resistant. I won't lose my self respect to become a cheat, liar, or selfish. I see the pain in my WW's eyes every day. Some days I feel as if I'm seeing my pain mirrored back in her eyes. The grief two families have endured is a daunting task. WW and I are trying to reconcile. Do I feel vulnerable to the pain I feel as a BH, do I want to have the pain as a WH, or do I want to cause pain to a third unknown family? No on all accounts. As a person who enjoyed life and making others laugh I am living in hell. Very little to laugh about these days. If I divorce or reconcile my pain would be the same. I wish I could feel vulnerable to laughing, but mostly I'm just sarcastic now.
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