bluenote Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Almost one year and seven months ago I distanced myself from my girlfriend of four years. She had been cheating, the proof or evidence was so overwhelming it stunk,but I've never cought her in the act. The last incident was while she was pregnant, it was the worse ever and it seemed ridiculous for her to deny but she has stuck to her story thus far. The cheating had been going on for over six to seven months and with more than one person, I am now so confused I can't say if it was sumiltaniuosly with other and me or just me and another guy at a time. I was always afraid to loose her I couldnt imagine life without her. Many of my friends thought I suffocated her but seriously perhaps I did and did not do everything I was supposed to or not supposed to so its difficult to say. At the last incident I went to get mobile records of texts and thats where the truth hit me in the face. I was broken and bedridden for several days, the pain was so intense I could feel it in my chest, couldnt breath. I confronted her and she denied says it was just friendly platonic chating. The problem is it was not it was intimate,intense and romantic with references to the previous evening etc. She gave birth to a boy and told me its my baby, I accepted because the boy ressembles me strongly, didn't feel like going for tests. I support him and I love him. The trouble is that I out of necessety have to stay in contact with her, first I used it as an excuse so I could get her to confess or for me to get some closure which failed. I still feel humiliated and heartbroken, and she says she loves me and wants me back. The problem is I feel she refuses to tell me the truth and I can't make peace so I can't be with her even though I love her dearly still. I am angry with her because she refuses to tell the truth because it means I can't trust her ever. Such a sad thing
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I'm not sure why anyone would want to reconcile with someone that cheated on them multiple times and with multiple men, and while she was pregnant with their child. Personally, even if the person confessed, I don't think I could ever get over it or remotely free myself emotionally and mentally from it to function in a relationship. You have to stay in contact with her because of your child, and I hope you get tests done to confirm paternity. Other than that, you really should create healthy and firm boundaries when it comes to her. Most cheaters aren't going to confess unless they're caught red-handed. Deny, deny, deny. For most, it's a motto. It would have been a different story if she strayed and confessed, exhibiting remorse. If your evidence is reliable, multiple times with multiple men, and while pregnant is abhorrent. 3
FortunateSon Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 How old is the boy? I would recommend DNA testing to make sure...
Author bluenote Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 The boy is ten months old now. I have though about it alot and I do agree with you for DNA tests. I don't however know if its the legal system here or only practice that I don't realy have right to question paternity. I have to refute or deny fathering him so courts can allow for the DNA tests at no costs, otherwise it will cost me a fortune to have the tests done myself (tests are only done in neighbouring country). I love the boy even though he doesnt realy know anything yet. I can't bring myself to drag him and myself through tests and courts right now, don't understand why. I don't see it a problem to support him anyhow, and I don't give money I buy things. I have no hopes that anything will ever be ok should I ever go back to her and my mind now knows that it won't hapen as much as my heart wants it.I have tried, even told her I forgave her but I don't think I can accept that she lies to me and deny the obvious which is that she did cheat. I realy hope it was diferent, I miss the days I cried and I couldnt imagine life without her, but now I don't want her although I love her dearly. I am very very angry and sad.
FortunateSon Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I only say this because if there is even the slightest chance the boy is not yours, you are taking on a HUGE obligation for the rest of your life with this child, especially considering the break down of the relationship with the boys mother. It would be much easier to do it now, than a couple years later if/when doubts arise and the child is old enough to know what's going on. 1
Author bluenote Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 oh everything is so hard and difficult. Yes it is best I do tests now, I am trying to use him as excuse to protect myself from the pain of finding out that she not only cheated, she also gave me someone elses baby. I feel so cheated. I love the guy yet I am in so much pain about what his mother did. I hope I can be strong enough, I went through the humiliation already of being betrayed and cheated on, but perhabs as my uncle once said, even orphans are taken and raised by wolves and strangers, if she sees some qualities in me for whatever evil she has and says its my son, then let the anvil break my head, until such time the boy asks me himself. I hope it will not be as painfull.
harrybrown Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Where are you? around here, you go to walmart get the kit and it is not that much for the DNA test. She is not remorseful, and has not told you the truth. Start the 180 and move on with your life. You will be happier with someone that will not cheat on you.
FortunateSon Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 oh everything is so hard and difficult. Yes it is best I do tests now, I am trying to use him as excuse to protect myself from the pain of finding out that she not only cheated, she also gave me someone elses baby. I feel so cheated. I love the guy yet I am in so much pain about what his mother did. I hope I can be strong enough, I went through the humiliation already of being betrayed and cheated on, but perhabs as my uncle once said, even orphans are taken and raised by wolves and strangers, if she sees some qualities in me for whatever evil she has and says its my son, then let the anvil break my head, until such time the boy asks me himself. I hope it will not be as painfull. She may have "picked" you because you for other reasons than you may think. She may think you are the most stable and likely to help raise the child. It will also reflect better on her if you, the long term boyfriend, is the father. If anything getting the test will give you peace of mind. If the child turns out to be yours, do the right thing and be as much of a father to him as you can. If the child is not, you have the opportunity to be free and clear to move forward with your life, without anymore contact from the toxic woman.
Author bluenote Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I informed the boy mom that I intent DNA paternity tests, she said good ok. The problem with that is that one side it angers me that she doesn't even try to stop it, the other side I feel somewhat releaved because she is perhaps confident of paternity and doesn't resist. That I should expect from myself because it gives me some validation. I feel so sorry for the baby boy but I realize its something I have to do for the both of us once and for all. I have other kids with another woman also but thinking of him gives me a smile as he may be my last born. In general I still grieve painfully about everything and I am very angry and sad that she refuses to tell me the truth even though I know. I wanted so much for her to confess to give me a reason to trust her and perhaps continue with her. Her refusal means she has no remorse. She says she wants me back and that she sorry she loves me.It just seems impossible because of the pain she put me through and it doesnt move me at all that she says that she sorry. I told her that now I feel even if she tries to tell me anything it will not matter, its like a nasty thirst that nothing can quinch just have to learn to live with it. I want to ask, when I was with her and going through the emotions and humiliation of being cheated, I stuck with her because I was so afraid and I coudn't bear to be without her. Things went from bad to worse and I am greatfull that things went the way they did and we got separated geographically. I couldn't really keep NC out of circumstances but what I mostly text her the entire time of her pregnancy was 90% swearing and insults. I think I have pumped myself and repeated so much negativity that now I almost believe it and it helps me not to suffer that much. The problem is knowing she cheated even though I was so afraid of it doesnt deter the feeling of being afraid to loose her or thinkin that she may be with someone even though I have not seen her for more than nine months. I tried someone else during this time and that too was a mess ( mobile phone story from my other thread in dating)
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