ThrashMetalHealing Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I have a situation which I am curious about the experience of others. Him and her: early 30's, late 20's. I dated a woman for two months last year. She is one of the best matches on paper I have met in years (this factors in for me). We had communication problems and put too much pressure on each other to be perfect matches so the dating did not go smoothly; it was not light and fun. However I think things could be good for us given time. She was dating another man at the time and decided to stop dating me so she could focus on this man. Her and I remained friends on and off and we started actually having fun in each others company and getting along better. She is still dating the man she chose over me but has complained a few times over the months about him not wanting to commit, she is not sure he could love her, he still misses his ex etc. I think deep down she knows he is not a good match for her but her emotions are in wanting this man to love her. Recently during hanging out as buddies I told her that I still have feelings for her and am hurt things did not work out between me and her. She admitted still being attracted to me. She said she felt I would not be able to love her in a relationship when were dating. We left it at that after a long hug initiated by her and I went home. I think she was so open to being friends with me over the months because she did not realize I had those feelings still. I would like the option to rekindle a dating relationship with her one day, yet I am too jealous of a man to build that through a friendship with her while she dates the man she chose over me. Given the above, what are some of my wise options?
KathyM Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 If you can't get along with her when dating for only two months, then that's not a good prognosis for the long term. Sounds like she has boundary issues too if she's talking about her boyfriend so explicitly with a man she used to date and who still has feelings for her. Not really fair to the boyfriend that she's using you, a former dating partner, as a shoulder to cry on about her current relationship.
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Its great that you found a friendship out of it but I feel like your lingering feelings may be prohibiting you from meeting someone else.
Author ThrashMetalHealing Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 If you can't get along with her when dating for only two months, then that's not a good prognosis for the long term. Sounds like she has boundary issues too if she's talking about her boyfriend so explicitly with a man she used to date and who still has feelings for her. Not really fair to the boyfriend that she's using you, a former dating partner, as a shoulder to cry on about her current relationship. This is true regarding communication. I suppose one of my beliefs is that good things take work to achieve so I saw communication differences not as a barrier but as an investment/challenge. I think she was just very naive in telling me about the other man. Its great that you found a friendship out of it but I feel like your lingering feelings may be prohibiting you from meeting someone else. This is a large possibility for me. Most of the unmarried women I know I do not like as a possible mate. For me to find a woman that meets my criteria is rare so I tend to not let it go as easily when things don't fully work out. I suppose at present I need to trust she got the message that I still have a romantic interest in her. I need to trust she knows the ball is in her court and the next move is hers if she is willing to pursue dating again that in the future (after her current relationship ends). In the meantime I plan to pursue other women as I find them. My hunch is going NC but my shoulder imp is trying to bother me that there is more I can do on my end (I doubt it at this point).
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I'm sure she got the message. If you are able to date other women while also remaining friends with this person, I would recommend doing that. However, I wouldn't let yourself become a doormat or an emotional crutch...you don't need that and it isn't fair. However, after dating other people you may realize that there is someone more compatible with you and someone you fall for really hard. Its worth taking the risk, especially if she isn't willing to do it yet.
hudson701 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 To quote Tara: "welcome to the friend zone... Chilly isn't it?" Grow some balls and walk away. Cut contact and force her to miss you- make her realise your value. Shes banging someone else and your being the emotional tampon! Cut this one loose, move on and find a girl who will be 100% into you!
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 When faced with a choice she picked the other guy. Even though you seem to click as friends & you are a good match on paper, as you say, why woudl you want to be somebody's second choice? For her, dating you is going backwards. The perfect paper match doesn't translate into RL. Let it go & find somebody who is a better match for you IRL.
Author ThrashMetalHealing Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you for the views and thoughts so far. I suppose a good thing to recall is no matter if she says she likes me and that she is still attracted to me, if she committing to sleeping with another man then those words do not matter :/
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