jvalentine1043 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I have been pondering something after a recent conversation with my fiancee. My fiance's ex-husband has been coming over to her house Mon-Thurs for awhile now (before I entered the picture) to spend time with his 7yr old daughter. Even though he only lives 10mins away, this was done to help alleviate any stress that the daughter would have over the transition of them being separate. I was told that he comes to help her with her homework but often times this may end up with him having play time with her and recently my fiancee told me how the three of them participated in a balloon fight. Recently, my fiancee told me that her expectation would be that this practice (of him coming over) would continue and not only continue but since I am bringing a 17month old daughter to the relationship, that this would now probably include interaction with the ex and my daughter as well. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not even sure how I feel about him coming over the the house (not to mention if we end up buying a house together) and especially the expectation that my child would be included in the play time with his daughter. However, I am also torn because I want what's best for the girls and if coming over is helping his daughter, who seems well adjusted, then I would want that to continue but is it wrong to not to want to include my child in that? The girls are already so very close.
bubbaganoosh Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 You better consider that fact that this relationship she has with her ex isn't totally over. If that's the case then sealing the deal with your fiance will mean that this is going to be the norm and you have to deal with it. If it was me, I wouldn't be thinking about buying a house with her or anything with both names on it because IMO, there will be problems down the road. Either she's over her ex or she isn't. Can't have anything in between. Your going to have a marriage with an extra person and that has all the ingredients to spell failure. 3
mammasita Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Well my first thought is - Why did they even split if they continue to play house. Sounds like they get along soooo well, whats the problem? Yeah I know....she assures you its not like that - there's nothing going on, they had fundamental issues, she has no feelings for him, they only do this for the sake of their daughter...... Blech. Spare me. So now that daughter is 7 and doesn't understand that her parents are truly split up.....she's going to be even more distraught when reality hits? 1
RonaldS Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I hang out at my Xw's place with the kids fairly often. Then again, I live 4 hours away, so I don't have much choice. But I do hang out there, play/hang out with the kids, work on HW, get their dinner, get them bathed and in bed. That being said, I don't really talk at all to my XW. Not there for her, and don't have any reason to be her buddy. The longer you're apart, the less of a big deal this stuff is. 1
Author jvalentine1043 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Thanks for your response mammasita. It's great to get feedback from a woman on this. Her daughter understands that they are separated and even knows that her father has a 'friend' as well. I am close to her as well. So she understands that her parents are separated and have moved on to some extent. She even calls my daughter her little sister. I really think that the parents are not giving her enough credit. They've been separated for about 2 years now. Since most of this is coming from the mother (my fiancee), I am kind of questioning whether this is on some subconscious level her way of keeping herself connected to him. He initially left her and it's something she feels guilty about. Thanks for giving me some things to think about.
Author jvalentine1043 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Thanks for your feedback RonaldS. This helps me out greatly as well. Question: if you lived 10mins away do you think you would have the same arrangement? Recently, when it was the weekend for the ex to have the daughter, my fiancee went over to his house to help prepare her daughter for a daddy/daughter dance she would be going to. Another time, her daughter asked to see her father and she stopped by his house so she could spend time with her father and she (my fiancee) ended up falling asleep on his couch. This is also common when he comes over to her place as well (falling asleep on her couch). I'm curious on how you would view/feel about that. Thanks
TheBladeRunner Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Well my first thought is - Why did they even split if they continue to play house. Sounds like they get along soooo well, whats the problem? Yeah I know....she assures you its not like that - there's nothing going on, they had fundamental issues, she has no feelings for him, they only do this for the sake of their daughter...... Blech. Spare me. So now that daughter is 7 and doesn't understand that her parents are truly split up.....she's going to be even more distraught when reality hits? Nothing wrong with "getting along", but coming over....mmmm.......not so sure about that one. I have had contact w/ my XW's SO at drop off and that is as far as it goes. He seems OK and the XW says the kids are good to my daughter, that's all I really care about. If something were happening my daughter would tell me. My big question is that if they are so chummy, why are they divorced? Like I said, the XW and I get along fine, but she is no longer my BFF and confidant. Mamasita is right: (See bold) The child needs to learn that mom and dad are no longer together. My XW tried this approach and it caused ME nothing but problems. It was hard at first, but I laid down the law and after about a week of negotiating with my 5 Y.O. she doesn't ask "when are you and mommy getting back together" anymore. 1
RonaldS Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Thanks for your feedback RonaldS. This helps me out greatly as well. Question: if you lived 10mins away do you think you would have the same arrangement? Recently, when it was the weekend for the ex to have the daughter, my fiancee went over to his house to help prepare her daughter for a daddy/daughter dance she would be going to. Another time, her daughter asked to see her father and she stopped by his house so she could spend time with her father and she (my fiancee) ended up falling asleep on his couch. This is also common when he comes over to her place as well (falling asleep on her couch). I'm curious on how you would view/feel about that. Thanks Sure. When it comes to kids and co-parenting, honestly it's just easier to not have to ship them back and forth all the time. If I lived 10 min away, and given that my XW and I have an open visitation established, I would go over and hang out with the kids. Why not? It's about time with the kids and being a presence in their lives. Sometimes kids need to be with you for a few days....sometimes they just need to be with you for a few minutes. As far as your fiancé going over to get the daughter ready for the dance....makes sense. I probably would, too. I'm a guy, and I'm not trying to traumatize my daughter for life by dragging her to a daddy-daughter dance with her looking like Marilyn Manson. Let mom do the prep. Hmmmm...water balloon fight with the daughter and the ex? I kinda like that idea. I would like nothing better than the opportunity to tee my XW up and blast her in the side of the head with a with a water balloon from 5 feet away. At the end of the day, it's about the kids. If the fiancé and her ex are all chummy and buddy-buddy, that's kind of an issue. But for me, I don't give a crap about my XW or her life, and I would hope like hell that by now, she didn't care about me or my life. At that point, we can inhabit the same space and there's nothing more to it than that.
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