skela Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I read a few posts on here lately and people's responses have been that the OP needs to make the guy chase her - once the chase ends the guy gets bored. How long does this chase last for - does it continue after you are exclusive. What exactly is making them chase you? Thanks :-)
PegNosePete Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 It is a tiresome strategy that some girls who love attention play. WOMAN do not play such silly games. Date women, not girls. 3
Author skela Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 It is a tiresome strategy that some girls who love attention play. WOMAN do not play such silly games. Date women, not girls. Well I am a girl and I don't get "the chase". Really don't understand what it is.
PegNosePete Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) Oh sorry thought you were a guy. It is a game played by immature girls in order to keep an emotionally immature guy, who may not be totally into her, giving her the attention and reassurance that her lack of self-esteem requires to keep her feeling good about herself. Example: Immature girl: "Oh yeah I know I said I'd go out with you tonight but I'm a bit busy - where did you want to take me?" (She is making him prove that he is worthy) Immature guy's response: "Well I was going to take you to a nice picnic in the park but if you're contemplating other plans then I'll step up my game and take you to an expensive restaurant instead" (He is falling for it hook line and sinker, putting her on a pedestal and rewarding her immature behaviour) My response: "I was going to take you to an expensive restaurant but if you're obviously not that invested in me so lets just call it off... text me when you actually want to spend time with me, k?" Edited May 21, 2014 by PegNosePete 2
soccerrprp Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I always thought it to be more simple. Pursuit. The guy is the one who should, at least initially, demonstrate that he is interested. He is the one who should be pursuing her, wooing her, courting her. That's how I see it.
PegNosePete Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Right soccer... "at least initially" being the key phrase. The implication in the OP is that some advice goes against that, and suggests that the girl should keep the guy chasing indefinitely; that if she stops, then he will get bored and move on. Personally I'd grow tired of that very quickly. I don't like goalposts that keep on moving. After I've done the chasing, and we've both decided we'd like to be together, I would expect an equal and balanced relationship.
soccerrprp Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Right soccer... "at least initially" being the key phrase. The implication in the OP is that some advice goes against that, and suggests that the girl should keep the guy chasing indefinitely; that if she stops, then he will get bored and move on. Personally I'd grow tired of that very quickly. I don't like goalposts that keep on moving. After I've done the chasing, and we've both decided we'd like to be together, I would expect an equal and balanced relationship. I'm with you on this. I don't have the time nor the inclination to continue chasing w/o reasonable reciprocity. If it's clear that I am doing too much, I will not chase or continue pursuing. Funny enough, I was well prepared to stop the "chasing" with my current gf when I dropped an atomic bomb of reciprocity that I hoped for, but didn't expect! Whoo hooo! 1
Author skela Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I'm with you on this. I don't have the time nor the inclination to continue chasing w/o reasonable reciprocity. If it's clear that I am doing too much, I will not chase or continue pursuing. Funny enough, I was well prepared to stop the "chasing" with my current gf when I dropped an atomic bomb of reciprocity that I hoped for, but didn't expect! Whoo hooo! So, if girls make it too easy and let the guy know that they like them right from the start - guys get bored and look elsewhere???
soccerrprp Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) So, if girls make it too easy and let the guy know that they like them right from the start - guys get bored and look elsewhere??? skela, This question does not have a definite answer. For a few guys, perhaps, but I think that most guys are not looking to make the dating process more complicated whether with good or bad intentions. During my time dating, I appreciate the ladies (all of them) being upfront. That is, none of them waited to let me know that they liked me. No games. You either like me or not....that simple. Edited May 21, 2014 by soccerrprp 1
carhill Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 The 'chase', in its unhealthy forms, from the chasee perspective, is where one party purposely, and with malice and forethought, plays a game with another party, reeling them in with attention then spurning them, repetitively. This may include using other people to incite jealousy; it may include purposely ignoring the party or negging them or manipulating them emotionally, primarily to satiate ego or grab attention. Once satiated, the chaser is terminated. In some cases, where it does happen repetitively, I came to term these as 'push-pull' interactions. Pull them in, push them away. Yes, some people can be emotionally immature and play such games without realizing what they're doing but most adults are fully aware of how and why they interact with fellow adults the way they do. It's learned during peer integration. A healthy chase is a dynamic where both parties authentically feel attraction and demonstrate the emotional stability to care and love and enjoy the mutual process of 'catching' each other. 'Will he ask me out?' 'Will she say yes?' 'Could this person be 'the one?' At it's highest and best level, even when married/LTR, the couple feels a bit of that excitement of the chase which inspired their union. They capitalize on the fact that we can never truly know what's in the mind of another, but do so in a loving and healthy way and balance the titillation of uncertainty with the expressed love and constancy of their union. Why do some men get 'bored' when they 'catch' the lady? For the same reason a child discards a played-with toy they whined and cajoled to get. Want is satiated and the challenge is over. It's self-focus without consideration for another human being. For some, it's learned behavior; for others, they were socialized to be self-focused. For most men, the base reason they 'chase' women is the impulse to make new humans through copulation. I identify this every time I ask myself why I'd spend time with a woman when I could be spending time with my best male friend. Somehow his hugs just aren't the same . A woman, OTOH, is warm and cuddly and we have sex and pillow talk and can share an emotional intimacy that for most men is impossible with another hetero man. Really, that's what it boils down to, when Johnny spots Susie across the room and imagines 'chasing' her. He's not thinking about her inspired conversational skills in theoretical physics. OP, if such issues have been problematical, my main advice would be to meet more men. The more men one meets, the more opportunities for a compatible match in this area. There are like-minded men out there. You'll find them or they you! 1
Author skela Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Great response Carhil! My personal opinion - if I need to play games with a guy and he can't just accept me for who I am without it - then he's not the one for me. 1
somedude81 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Making guys chase you because you are playing games is stupid. Though one thing you also shouldn't do is making it too easy. For example don't keep initiating contact with him and don't try to plan the dates. Don't kiss him first and so on. For me, "the chase," is getting her number, trying to build her interest, planning dates, going for that kiss and so on. It just means I'm putting in effort. If the girl starts to run away, I'm done. I won't waste my time. 1
waiting4u Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 The theory behind "the chase"is not game-playing per se, it's just working with a man's natural tendency to value something for which he has worked hard. It's the economics of dating - if you let a man know he "has you" too soon, then he's going to think you aren't worth much. I know it's controversial, but it's healthy for women in many ways. If you play it cool, so to speak, you aren't acting desperate and bending over backwards to make a man happy. You are showing him you have your own life, your own goals and interests, and your life doesn't revolve around him and the relationship. Things like not agreeing to spur of the moment plans, not acting clingy, letting him initiate phone calls and ask you out on dates, all of these things "teach" a man that he needs to treat you like the prize that you are. I think if men didn't misbehave so much - have sex with promises and then disappear, etc. then women wouldn't share these "strategies" with each other.
Author skela Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 The theory behind "the chase"is not game-playing per se, it's just working with a man's natural tendency to value something for which he has worked hard. It's the economics of dating - if you let a man know he "has you" too soon, then he's going to think you aren't worth much. I know it's controversial, but it's healthy for women in many ways. If you play it cool, so to speak, you aren't acting desperate and bending over backwards to make a man happy. You are showing him you have your own life, your own goals and interests, and your life doesn't revolve around him and the relationship. Things like not agreeing to spur of the moment plans, not acting clingy, letting him initiate phone calls and ask you out on dates, all of these things "teach" a man that he needs to treat you like the prize that you are. I think if men didn't misbehave so much - have sex with promises and then disappear, etc. then women wouldn't share these "strategies" with each other. But that doesn't mean that after you do all this he won't have sex with you and then disappear. And how long do the women have to do that for.
Dallers Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 You cannot say that 'Women' do not involve themselves with the chase because THEY DO. Everyone is different. As a guy, to me I do not go in for the games or the chase, I have just trained myself to not become attached early on and just play along with the flirting to see if it goes anywhere. When you do not attach yourself to a potential partner early on it keeps you in control and you are able to walk away from any situation. It also makes you look confident because you have your own life, you are not needy and you do not need anyone. The result is that in a way I get chased, but a lot of the time I do not return the gesture. Also if things progress the games and so called "chase" quickly pass you by so the best thing you can do is just be yourself and let her do the chasing if she wants to as you are too busy being awesome to care
waiting4u Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 How long do women need to have self-respect and not act like a needy person whose life revolves around the relationship? Forever. A woman's natural tendency is to cling to a man she's sleeping with. We have this hormone that's released after sex called oxytocin - it makes us feel like we are in love and attached to the person we are sleeping with. Men don't have this - at least not in the same degree. By setting boundaries for yourself - like it's not okay to call him whenever you feel like it - when he's at work or out with his friends - it's not okay to just wait around and drop everything when he wants to get together - it's not okay to be a booty call, etc. These boundaries help you fight that self-sabotaging tendency. It's fine to fall in love, be honest, give yourself to a man, but your first priority is to yourself. You must love yourself more than your partner and prioritize your own needs and self-esteem. Women are taught to give and sacrifice. As a result we tend to get lost in relationships. 2
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