Lucygolds Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I would like to know if you stayed with your WS or did you divorce? How long after the affair was discovered did you decide it was over if you did D? If you stayed how has it been?
DKT3 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I would like to know if you stayed with your WS or did you divorce? Divorced How long after the affair was discovered did you decide it was over if you did D?I knew it was over the second I found out, I stayed around in part hoping she could change my mind, but mostly because we have kids who were small at the time If you stayed how has it been?we divorced and apart for five years. We are back together now. Its a work in progress. I don't think we would be together if not for the divorce. It felt like I had to do it to claim myself back. 1
underwater2010 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I would like to know if you stayed with your WS or did you divorce? Stayed How long after the affair was discovered did you decide it was over if you did D? I would have divorced right away had he not been willing participant in reconciliation. If you stayed how has it been? We will be going on our third year in just under a month. Things get rough about every 6 months now....still a little insecurity on my part. When I start trusting without checking and things in life get to easy...I start expecting another shoe to drop. I suspect in another year it will be the past for good.
BetrayedH Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I would like to know if you stayed with your WS or did you divorce? How long after the affair was discovered did you decide it was over if you did D? If you stayed how has it been? I initially made a decision to stay. However, at about 8 months into our reconciliation, I discovered my wife was lying about some pretty brutal stuff and she'd lied repeatedly about it during the whole reconciliation. I flipped out and we both chose to divorce. The continued lying really was the critical thing for me.
Author Lucygolds Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 I would like to know if you stayed with your WS or did you divorce? How long after the affair was discovered did you decide it was over if you did D? If you stayed how has it been? Moderater, please don't move this. I posted a similar question last week and it was moved to the general relationship forum. It received no response once moved there. This question truly can only be answered by people who experienced infidelity. Thank you.
waterwoman Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Hi Lucy, we stayed together. I found texts on Sunday morning. I had 24hrs of gas-lighting and waffle, about 3 hrs I believed he was leaving, and then he came clean, 100%. He had ended it with her at this point. That was almost exactly 2 years ago. I came closest to ending my marriage about 6 months after d-day but he persuaded me not to.
DKT3 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I answered this for you the first time. If your trying to gauge what your husband will do, this isn't the way. We all react differently. I do believe that you still have a lot to say in if he stays or not. Being open and honest, not defending yourself or the OM being careful with HOW you say thing moreso then what you say. If he stays it will be hard, and you will have to deal with a lot. Are you ready for that?
Author Lucygolds Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Yes and thank you for your response. Once the last question was moved to a relationship forum there were no more responses. My situation is very complicated. Yes I had a relationship with another man.Yes, it was wrong. I confessed all to my H. I have also found some very questionable things about my H. I don't have 100% proof that he slept with anyone else but the story has changed so many times. New things keep coming out.He has at the very least was hoping to hook up. This all happened before I started my A. I found out about it during my A. I am just seeing how things worked out for others. This is all so confusing and I am trying to figure out if my H and I can/should R. Others stories wont influence my decision but they do help me cope with what I have done and what my H has done.
William Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I would like to know if you stayed with your WS or did you divorce? How long after the affair was discovered did you decide it was over if you did D? If you stayed how has it been? Moderater, please don't move this. I posted a similar question last week and it was moved to the general relationship forum. It received no response once moved there. This question truly can only be answered by people who experienced infidelity. Thank you. If the question is asking for advice about your own relationship, provide relevance and the topic can be located appropriately. Ask a general question, per policy which is published, and has been longer than you've been here, right at the top of the Infidelity forum, and postings are moved to general relationship discussion. Also, please do not make requests of moderation publicly. Such requests have nothing to do with the topic of discussion. OK, those are the ground rules. Let's move on!
UpwardForward Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Yes and thank you for your response. Once the last question was moved to a relationship forum there were no more responses. My situation is very complicated. Yes I had a relationship with another man.Yes, it was wrong. I confessed all to my H. I have also found some very questionable things about my H. I don't have 100% proof that he slept with anyone else but the story has changed so many times. New things keep coming out.He has at the very least was hoping to hook up. This all happened before I started my A. I found out about it during my A. I am just seeing how things worked out for others. This is all so confusing and I am trying to figure out if my H and I can/should R. Others stories wont influence my decision but they do help me cope with what I have done and what my H has done. Husband divorced me while continuing to claim OW was just a 'friend'. (Later found out, during latter months of our M, she was writing checks on our company account for them to purchase home together). I have known people who made the decision to stay together after infidelity. It appears to be a hard road - but worth it in the end? Hope this helps a little.
DKT3 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Yes and thank you for your response. Once the last question was moved to a relationship forum there were no more responses. My situation is very complicated. Yes I had a relationship with another man.Yes, it was wrong. I confessed all to my H. I have also found some very questionable things about my H. I don't have 100% proof that he slept with anyone else but the story has changed so many times. New things keep coming out.He has at the very least was hoping to hook up. This all happened before I started my A. I found out about it during my A. I am just seeing how things worked out for others. This is all so confusing and I am trying to figure out if my H and I can/should R. Others stories wont influence my decision but they do help me cope with what I have done and what my H has done. so you view the infidelities as different? I recall you saying that you guys would be OK, now that you THINK he may have had one you don't know if you guys will be ok? Or are you projecting? First thing you need to do is commit, once you've done that its hard but it can be done. You would like for him for forgive you, then you have to return that. Also remember why you came clean. So that he wouldn't hear it from MOM wife. In all honesty, I doubt he slept with anyone else, I'm sure once he found out about yours the male ego would have taken over and been like "oh yeah well I did this" Lastly, I'm not saying its the case here, but forget OM. You can't allow your decision to be swayed even slightly with the thoughts of what might be. I'm pulling for you, I've read most of your stuff and you seem like a lovely woman.
dichotomy Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 If you stayed how has it been? Up and downs, it took a long long LONG time to get WW to grow and take some accountability and get some perspective. This long process ended up creating damage in the marriage all by itself. Unfortunately we are having an other issue right now that is not uncommon in non-affair marriages, but none the less triggers anger in me over her time with OM all those years ago. Sometimes wounds and scars hurt when under stress from other stuff, it this makes any sense. The decision to divorce or reconcile is a very individual choice for the BS and I suppose the WS as well. I always recommend adding up the plus and minus to stay or going. This requires a very realistic kind of imagination of what each life (divorce or stay married) will look like down the line. People think one or the other will be "THE" solution to their lives
Author Lucygolds Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 so you view the infidelities as different? I recall you saying that you guys would be OK, now that you THINK he may have had one you don't know if you guys will be ok? Or are you projecting? First thing you need to do is commit, once you've done that its hard but it can be done. You would like for him for forgive you, then you have to return that. Also remember why you came clean. So that he wouldn't hear it from MOM wife. In all honesty, I doubt he slept with anyone else, I'm sure once he found out about yours the male ego would have taken over and been like "oh yeah well I did this" Lastly, I'm not saying its the case here, but forget OM. You can't allow your decision to be swayed even slightly with the thoughts of what might be. I'm pulling for you, I've read most of your stuff and you seem like a lovely woman. Thank you. I do not view the infeldities as different. I could forgive him and yes I did say we would be okay but I am suffering ups and downs and he is doing the same. A few months ago I found FB searches for gentleman's clubs, women between 23 & 29, several different women's pages, all in areas he travels for work. There was a repeated search for a woman named Sasha, going back every month for 8 months, he never found her page. A first he said his FB had been hacked, he looked at the gentleman's clubs only but never went. The women were people who applied at his work and he was just looking. Then when I kept asking about Sasha he said he knew no one by that name. Then it comes out she was a waitress he was talking to. She mentioned looking for a new job. He had only been to that restaurant once. Now he has been there a few times but only saw or once. I asked what he planned to do if he found he on Facebook. He said he only was looking to offer her a job.Over FB? No he said not over FB. Then why look for her for 8 months? So, honestly I don't know what he did. ....maybe nothing. At the least he was looking. If I have stepped out and he was thinking or has.Also, there have been many problems with us over the last few years that we have just swept under the rug..... what does that mean for us? Yes, I love him and yes there is a part of me that says we will be ok.....I am just so confused. As is he. He agreed to go to MC then a few days before he decided he hated me. Said he was waiting for his bonus, take all the money then leave the country and abandoned me and the kids. He said If I wanted to work it out then I pretty much had to do whatever he told me to. I told him I was more than willing to compromise on things to help us learn to trust again but, I could not be controlled. I went to MC alone. They counselor agreed I could not blindly follow all his demands but to work on compermise. She helped me to come up with a list. He said no and nothing would change. Then all of a sudden, after more came out about Sasha, he wants to work it out again. He has been super nice......but we are not dealing with any of it......he said he would go to MC now. We shall see. I know if we don't do MC this will all happen again....... As for my exMOM, I did have a 6 month relationship with him. I have known him for years snd he has been ripped from my life and it hurts. I know that I don't want to rekindle the A but, I did love him. I realize we were in a bubble. We never saw the bad sides of eachother. I am doing my best to move on but it is hard. I have ran into him twice, we only looked at eachother but did not say anything. I have randomly seen him driving several times. I have been very tempted to say hello.....but I know that is wrong. I have to figure out what is going on in my life first.....what I should have done before having an affair.
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