movingonnow1 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I need opinions on this. My ex girlfriend is someone who is extremely selfish, who tries to put the blame on me and who is trying to get me back into her life as a "friend" (sound familiar? haha). It has been about 9-10 months NC and I have yet to respond to her reaching out to me / her "apologizes". Recently, she has really tried to get in touch with me. Every time she contacts me, I would immediately delete her texts. She has stopped trying to text but now she has tried calling me on block numbers, her friends number, etc. I do not know her number, nor do I want to know it out of fear I may eventually one day reach out to her (I still have feelings). She has even tried showing up at my work (which I got my friends to cover for me) and she keeps telling people close to me that she feels so guilty and misses me. Lately, over the last few days, she has stopped trying to contact me. I seriously want her to stop. My question is, if she reaches out to me again, should I tell her to stop? It seems like NC is really not working well for her and she is really really having a hard time because I never gave her "closure". I was considering sending her an email saying that she should please leave me alone like I requested, telling her to take responsibility for her actions (stop blaming me for what she did), that she made her choice...I respected it and moved on. Thoughts please?
flightplan Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I wouldn't respond. She'll stop and grow tired of it. If you think she won't stop now, just wait and see what happens if you do respond. It's like a child who whines incessantly until they get their way. Once you give in, you've created a monster. Responding will only open the gates to additional conversation and lead to nowhere. It also has the potential to open old wounds... sooo, no, I would not respond. 1
Meeshell Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I found this great site about No Contact. It really gives a great explanation on keeping your door closed. I'm doing the NC, but I broke after 2 days. Silly, right? But I'm back on track. Here's what I wanted to share with you. Your ex comes along and tries to open the door, but discovers that their key doesn’t work. They keep trying it but no result. They have a root around and pull out a selection of keys that they know used to work on you. Still nothing. They come back another day and try to jimmy the lock with hairpin. Another day they try with a credit card. Another day they kick at it furiously and you’re near crapping yourself and feeling you should cave in and unlock, but you hold your ground. The next time, they try the gentle and polite approach with the door, maybe pressing the doorbell, and trying to look through the letterbox. The time after that they serenade you (reminds me of Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore), or leave flowers or rat droppings (snigger) – let’s hope they don’t put poo through your letterbox… Then they get pissed off again that the door isn’t open so they try to take a hammer to it. Maybe they kick at it, thump the crap out of it, or stand a few feet away throwing rocks and hoping you’ll be intimidated. You’re scared and wondering why the hell they’re doing this. They then try a calmer approach to the door. Then get frustrated again. And lather, rinse, repeat. What you don’t do is open the door. Especially when you’ve previously opened the door and got yourself hurt for your trouble. It’s like letting someone pull the same con on you more than once. Hope that helps some. 1
lauri Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I have wanted to say things to my ex myself numerous times but held out. You are making the right decision ignoring and avoiding contact. All it will do is open old wounds (like it did to me, but not that I wanted to speak with her, she cornered me and trapped me at my house unexpected). You have the choice to avoid all the pain I am going through now having being reconnected with her recently. Your ex is going through extreme measures to be your "friend"...which is something you clearly don't want.
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Normally, I would say to stay in NC. But, after 9 to 10 months? Maybe you'll have to tell her to leave you alone. Did she dump you or did you dump her?
Author movingonnow1 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Normally, I would say to stay in NC. But, after 9 to 10 months? Maybe you'll have to tell her to leave you alone. Did she dump you or did you dump her? She dumped me. It was long distance and I moved back after my contracted ended...she ended it 1 week after I moved.
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Yeah, if she contacts you again, tell her that she dumped you, she made the choice to have you out of her life and you're respecting her request. Now, you're asking her to leave you alone so you can heal from this broken relationship so you can move on with your life. You are not interested in being friends right now because you didn't get into a relationship with her for the final outcome is that you are nothing more than a really good friend to her. It's like asking a CEO to step down and be the janitor. DO NOT GET INTO A LONG DRAWN OUT CONVERSATION WITH HER. Short, calm and to the point. After 9 months?!?! That's insane. 1
Strength in Healing Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Due to the 9 months, I'm just wondering if maybe she wants something more than friends. The level she is persisting is beyond that of someone trying to be just friends... or so it seems. I am not so quick to say stay NC in this case, as the others have. Perhaps she regrets her choice. If you never want her back though, stay NC.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 That's passive aggressive behaviour.. Oh no sorry it's not because it's all completely different for NC!! Just tell her for gods sake isn't that what grown ups do
lauri Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Due to the 9 months, I'm just wondering if maybe she wants something more than friends. The level she is persisting is beyond that of someone trying to be just friends... or so it seems. I am not so quick to say stay NC in this case, as the others have. Perhaps she regrets her choice. If you never want her back though, stay NC. My ex tried for 9 months and all she wanted to do was be "friends", she was "confused" and wanted my forgiveness. I'm just saying be very careful and do not let yourself get sucked into anything.
Author movingonnow1 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) I appreciate all the insight. The reason why I ignored her for this long is because she hurt me really bad...I mean she lead me on when I could have extended my contact in Europe and spent extra time there. I am considering reaching out to her via email asking her what she wants, or if she contacts me again, I will respond and talk to her finally explaining why it is best for us not to speak and that I'm not willing to be her friend. I think I've done NC for long enough...but I know that I'm scared of being hurt again. Edited May 21, 2014 by movingonnow1 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I appreciate all the insight. The reason why I ignored her for this long is because she hurt me really bad...I mean she lead me on when I could have extended my contact in Europe and spent extra time there. I am considering reaching out to her via email asking her what she wants, or if she contacts me again, I will respond and talk to her finally explaining why it is best for us not to speak and that I'm not willing to be her friend. I think I've done NC for long enough...but I know that I'm scared of being hurt again. I don't blame you for not wanting to get hurt again x you are right u have used it long enough, just tell her now even if it's a faceless email x
lauri Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I don't blame you for not wanting to get hurt again x you are right u have used it long enough, just tell her now even if it's a faceless email x Do you think he should just wait to see if she contacts him again? I'm not sure sending a random email now saying "Don't talk to me again" would make much sense. Unless he wants to know what she wants to say, then that is completely different.
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Like I said, normally I would say stay NC. Normal people would get the hint after a month or two, but 9 months is hindering this guys healing process. He needs to tell her to buy a clue.
Babolat Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I need opinions on this. My ex girlfriend is someone who is extremely selfish, who tries to put the blame on me and who is trying to get me back into her life as a "friend" (sound familiar? haha). It has been about 9-10 months NC and I have yet to respond to her reaching out to me / her "apologizes". Recently, she has really tried to get in touch with me. Every time she contacts me, I would immediately delete her texts. She has stopped trying to text but now she has tried calling me on block numbers, her friends number, etc. I do not know her number, nor do I want to know it out of fear I may eventually one day reach out to her (I still have feelings). She has even tried showing up at my work (which I got my friends to cover for me) and she keeps telling people close to me that she feels so guilty and misses me. Lately, over the last few days, she has stopped trying to contact me. I seriously want her to stop. My question is, if she reaches out to me again, should I tell her to stop? It seems like NC is really not working well for her and she is really really having a hard time because I never gave her "closure". I was considering sending her an email saying that she should please leave me alone like I requested, telling her to take responsibility for her actions (stop blaming me for what she did), that she made her choice...I respected it and moved on. Thoughts please? If you feel she is harassing you then get a No Contact Order against her. Then, when she contacts you, document it and let the legal folks take over from there (city, county, state, whatever it is where you live).
Babolat Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 but I know that I'm scared of being hurt again. Then you have NOT done NC long enough...you have not fully healed yet.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Seriously get a grip on reality.. Its been 10 months!! the girl is not giving up because she has had no closure... if NC was working she would be gone by now! Nc is making her chase more (which is the other effect it can have), the knock on effect is that her chasing is keeping it ignited for you... if u stay NC she will just continue so now just tell her straight... my god the immaturity on here is ridiculous at times...
Simon Phoenix Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Seriously get a grip on reality.. Its been 10 months!! the girl is not giving up because she has had no closure... if NC was working she would be gone by now! Nc is making her chase more (which is the other effect it can have), the knock on effect is that her chasing is keeping it ignited for you... if u stay NC she will just continue so now just tell her straight... my god the immaturity on here is ridiculous at times... Who is being immature exactly? You seem angry for no reason. As for the OP, I would either a) tell her to leave you alone the next time she tries to contact you (either through e-mail, phone call, whatever) or I would just ride it out without contact. I wouldn't get into the "No Contact order" thing unless she blatant disregards your request to leave you alone. If you do tell her to leave you alone, make it short and sweet. Do not allow her to dump all of her garbage on you for her "closure". You don't owe her that, and she's not entitled to it.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Those that are still saying to continue with NC after all this time when she is clearly not getting the message and it is causing distress to the OP. It does make me angry tbh when someone seeks advice and the NC brigade jump on... the same NC brigade that would quite happily say "she's being passive agressive, you dont need someone like that in your life" if the situation was the other way round. NC does not work for every situation but it seems people are now throwing NC around like its the holy grail for the end of every relationship. If he follows their advice he will end up even more distressed she needs it in black and white x
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Those that are still saying to continue with NC after all this time when she is clearly not getting the message and it is causing distress to the OP. It does make me angry tbh when someone seeks advice and the NC brigade jump on... the same NC brigade that would quite happily say "she's being passive agressive, you dont need someone like that in your life" if the situation was the other way round. NC does not work for every situation but it seems people are now throwing NC around like its the holy grail for the end of every relationship. If he follows their advice he will end up even more distressed she needs it in black and white x Dude, seriously?!?! I'm part of that NC Brigade and I'M the one telling him to break it if she contacts him again to lay down the law! Did you actually read all the posts?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 "Those that are still saying"... you werent one of them x I do understand the whole point of NC and I would advise it in certain circumstances too... for the right reasons, it can be very beneficial for healing but this is not working in this instance which is blatantly clear as you have noticed yourself x
Author movingonnow1 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I appreciate the advise and time everyone is putting into this. I didn't intend for this to turn into a little bit of an argument or debate. Everyone has their own experiences through this...I've followed some threads on here that make me extremely skeptical of ex's intentions. Many of you who have gone through this / seen a lot more then I have would know the best approach. I think "laying down the law" is the best approach / solution that has been presented here... I'm going to do it to help myself move on...all these messages / contact isn't helping me. I know she doesn't want to be with me so I do not get why she is contacting me.
na49 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 There could be a lot of reasons why she is contacting you. It could be that she feels guilty, and once she knows you're fine it will relieve her guilt. It doesn't mean she wants to be with you, but it means she still cares somewhat. Personally I'd just block her number. The best way to not hear from them is to make it so you can't hear from them. (and if they really want to talk to you, they'll find a way. Trust me)
Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I posted earlier in this topic about considering breaking NC. I TAKE IT BACK. AVOID HER AT ALL COSTS, PERIOD. You don't want to reignite this pain brother.
flightplan Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Those that are still saying to continue with NC after all this time when she is clearly not getting the message and it is causing distress to the OP. It does make me angry tbh when someone seeks advice and the NC brigade jump on... the same NC brigade that would quite happily say "she's being passive agressive, you dont need someone like that in your life" if the situation was the other way round. NC does not work for every situation but it seems people are now throwing NC around like its the holy grail for the end of every relationship. If he follows their advice he will end up even more distressed she needs it in black and white x I'm a proud member of the NC brigade, but to each his own. If this were me, there is absolutely no way I would even remotely entertain the idea of talking to her. Not because I want to be an ass, but because there is very little upside and a lot of downside to opening a dialogue with someone like this. She'll eventually tire and move on. The OP has to do what he feels is best for his situation.
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