What's the best way to respond to this text?

[starrynightz45]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months now. Things have been mostly OK - except that he doesn't seem nearly as eager to spend time together as I am.

 

On Monday, we got dinner and I told him that a group of my friends were tentatively hosting a Kings game viewing party at their place on Wednesday. I told him I wasn't 100% sure it was going to happen, but that I wanted to know if he would like to come, and that I'd confirm the plans by Tuesday night. He said that was totally fine and that he would come for sure.

 

Tuesday afternoon, my friend told me that she had to cancel the party because of work/school issues. I told my boyfriend through text that the party wasn't happening after all. He texted me back saying "That's fine, another time. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow but maybe you and me can do something. Not sure though, I might not be able to." I said "Ok, we'll see. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow either."

 

My question is, if he had already set aside that time for the possibility that he was going to come with me to the party, then how is it that now that the party is canceled, he's saying he "doesn't know" if he'll be able to see me anyways? Doesn't that seem odd? He couldn't have made other plans for Wednesday night already, as he had already told me he would come and he responded to the text almost immediately.

 

Also, it kind of bothers me that he just assumes I'm totally free and available to see him - and that HE will let me know if HE is free. To me it just seems like a no-brainer that sine we were going to see each other anyways, and since the party was canceled, we are both available to see one another. So what's the deal?

 

I don't want to play games, but at the same time, I'm really tempted to make other plans and tell him I can't see him. Isn't that essentially what he's doing..waiting to see if other plans come up for him and if not he'll see me? Am I overanalyzing or is he being weird?

Edited May 21, 2014 by starrynightz45

[halfcrazed_i]

Well, firstly, I have a feeling that your bf agreed to go to your friend's party because he was doing it for you (not necessarily for him). And he probably felt it was his obligation to go as your bf (not a bad thing, really).

 

Now that it got canceled, he probably felt he was off the hook (ie. no more obligation). To give credit to the guy, he can't really read your mind... it's a bit of a leap and a bound to assume that just because you asked him to go to a 'tentative' party, he would have alternative plans with you if the plans got canned. Perhaps that kind of thinking will be established later on in your relationship when you've gotten to know each other's thinking pattern better. I mean, nothing was set in stone in the first place...

 

And what he said about maybe doing something tomorrow with you -- I don't think he was assuming you were free. The way I took it is that if by any chance, BOTH of you were free, you guys should do something together. I think if he was free and you weren't, he wouldn't take it against you.

 

So yeah. I think perhaps you're over-analyzing this to the point of twisting his words. Remember, guys are simple creatures. They say it as it is. I don't think this guy's playing games.

 

In turn, if you want him to do something with you -- tell him. Be definite, be firm. None of that "maybe, I'm not sure" stuff. It'll confuse him more.

[starrynightz45]

Well, firstly, I have a feeling that your bf agreed to go to your friend's party because he was doing it for you (not necessarily for him). And he probably felt it was his obligation to go as your bf (not a bad thing, really).

 

Now that it got canceled, he probably felt he was off the hook (ie. no more obligation). To give credit to the guy, he can't really read your mind... it's a bit of a leap and a bound to assume that just because you asked him to go to a 'tentative' party, he would have alternative plans with you if the plans got canned. Perhaps that kind of thinking will be established later on in your relationship when you've gotten to know each other's thinking pattern better. I mean, nothing was set in stone in the first place...

 

And what he said about maybe doing something tomorrow with you -- I don't think he was assuming you were free. The way I took it is that if by any chance, BOTH of you were free, you guys should do something together. I think if he was free and you weren't, he wouldn't take it against you.

 

So yeah. I think perhaps you're over-analyzing this to the point of twisting his words. Remember, guys are simple creatures. They say it as it is. I don't think this guy's playing games.

 

In turn, if you want him to do something with you -- tell him. Be definite, be firm. None of that "maybe, I'm not sure" stuff. It'll confuse him more.

 

Thanks for the response! Well, I don't mean that I assumed we'd have alternative plans if the party didn't go through. I just found it weird that he said he didn't know what he was doing tomorrow, and that he *might not* be able to do anything. That just seemed odd to me because I'm not sure how he might not be able to do anything since he was planning on coming to the party anyways.

 

I do tend to overthink though. I guess I just feel like if he really wanted to see me, he would because he couldn't have made other plans for that time slot yet.

[Emilia]

Tuesday afternoon, my friend told me that she had to cancel the party because of work/school issues. I told my boyfriend through text that the party wasn't happening after all. He texted me back saying "That's fine, another time. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow but maybe you and me can do something. Not sure though, I might not be able to." I said "Ok, we'll see. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow either."

 

My question is, if he had already set aside that time for the possibility that he was going to come with me to the party, then how is it that now that the party is canceled, he's saying he "doesn't know" if he'll be able to see me anyways? Doesn't that seem odd? He couldn't have made other plans for Wednesday night already, as he had already told me he would come and he responded to the text almost immediately.

 

Also, it kind of bothers me that he just assumes I'm totally free and available to see him - and that HE will let me know if HE is free. To me it just seems like a no-brainer that sine we were going to see each other anyways, and since the party was canceled, we are both available to see one another. So what's the deal?

 

I don't want to play games, but at the same time, I'm really tempted to make other plans and tell him I can't see him. Isn't that essentially what he's doing..waiting to see if other plans come up for him and if not he'll see me? Am I overanalyzing or is he being weird?

I would have told him this straight away. I would have called after that text and asked a direct question. It very well could be that he isn't assuming that you want to see him if the party isn't on.

[halfcrazed_i]

My two cents... the fact that he was willing to attend a social function that your friend is throwing, that's a pretty good sign that he likes you Believe me, the kind of flak that I get from my bf whenever I drag him to these things, you'd think I'm asking him to sacrifice a kidney or something. Haha!

 

I think your bf also wanted to give you some leeway. So make him feel that you're always up to hanging out with him (with due notice). That way, he won't feel the need to second guess. It's only been two months. You guys got time to get to know each other Enjoy it... have faith in both of you.

[Fondue]

Well, firstly, I have a feeling that your bf agreed to go to your friend's party because he was doing it for you (not necessarily for him). And he probably felt it was his obligation to go as your bf (not a bad thing, really).

 

Now that it got canceled, he probably felt he was off the hook (ie. no more obligation). To give credit to the guy, he can't really read your mind... it's a bit of a leap and a bound to assume that just because you asked him to go to a 'tentative' party, he would have alternative plans with you if the plans got canned. Perhaps that kind of thinking will be established later on in your relationship when you've gotten to know each other's thinking pattern better. I mean, nothing was set in stone in the first place...

 

And what he said about maybe doing something tomorrow with you -- I don't think he was assuming you were free. The way I took it is that if by any chance, BOTH of you were free, you guys should do something together. I think if he was free and you weren't, he wouldn't take it against you.

 

So yeah. I think perhaps you're over-analyzing this to the point of twisting his words. Remember, guys are simple creatures. They say it as it is. I don't think this guy's playing games.

 

In turn, if you want him to do something with you -- tell him. Be definite, be firm. None of that "maybe, I'm not sure" stuff. It'll confuse him more.

 

I have to agree with this statement.

 

He was just trying to accommodate you by agreeing to go the party. Now that it's no longer happening, he was going to possibly followup on doing what he had in mind prior to agreeing to be your date to the party. If whatever he had planned falls through, he'd hang with you (assuming you were still available).

 

You have ALL right to be unavailable on that day, by the way. Just tell him that your plans were not firmed up and that you took it upon yourself to make other plans. Nothing wrong with that.

[Chocolat]

It's possible that he'd been invited to do something with his friends but had to reply tentatively: not sure if I can make it since I might be going to a party with my gf, but, if that falls through, sure. This would explain why he wasn't sure if he'd be free.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Okay, I'm going to give you a different perspective.

 

I think you're justified in feeling what you're feeling. It does sound a bit odd and I'm not sure I wouldn't have thought the same thing had I been in the same situation. The fact that you clearly stated in your opening post that your boyfriend doesn't seem nearly as eager to see you as you are, will always leave you somewhat vulnerable.

 

At the same time, it is very easy to let your mind wonder and over think things so much that you end up creating problems where they really wasn't one to begin with. You don't want to do that either because it will f*ck up your world and your relationships.

 

The best course of action here is to TALK with him about it. You sound young so the whole idea communicating might seem slightly foreign to you particularly when you're only 2 months into a relationship. I encourage you to do it anyway. It will be the best and most important lesson I can pass on to anyone.

 

BUT be careful NOT to come across like your bitching or nagging him. THAT will just make things worse. Let him know that you love spending time with him but not sure how he feels. I would also bring up the fact that although you might enjoy the occasional spontaneity, you would prefer some notice so you can make plans accordingly. YOU have a life too!

 

And yes, I would advise NOT lowering yourself to playing games. Games are for children. If you like this guy and want to make it work, talk with him.

 

Good luck!

[clia]

I think it's odd.

 

If he was planning to go with you to your friend's party and now that's off, why wouldn't the two of you go watch the Kings game together somewhere else? I think you are right to feel bothered by this.

 

He texted me back saying "That's fine, another time. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow but maybe you and me can do something. Not sure though, I might not be able to."

 

This just sounds so wishy washy to me -- like he'll see you if he can't find anything better to do.

 

To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even responded to that text at all.

 

If you haven't heard from him yet, I would also go ahead and make other plans for tonight.

 

Do you two already have other plans to see each other either later this week or this weekend?

[stillafool]

He seemed relieved that he didn't have to go. A good bf would want to spend that time alone with you anyway. Why couldn't he invite you to do whatever he was going to do so you two could be together. He almost sounds as if he was going to cancel on your plans anyway.

[stateofgrace]

I don't think you have anything to worry about.. I mean, he went about it in a weird way, but if he didn't want to do something with you at all, he would've just said "oh okay good because I made other plans" or something. The fact that he said "maybe you and I could do something", that's probably a good sign.

 

Just call him and say, hey maybe you'd like to come watch the kings game at my place? Or go for drinks and watch it - if hockey is his thing, he'll be pretty stoked on this I bet!

 

Like others have said, he can't read your mind. Maybe he took you saying "it's cancelled" as a way of saying you didn't wanna hang out or something (you never know), and maybe he said what he said as a means of not being rejected by you, who knows. He's your boyfriend, ask him to hang out. Worst he can say is that he's busy, and you'll see him in a day or two. No biggie!

[starrynightz45]

I don't think you have anything to worry about.. I mean, he went about it in a weird way, but if he didn't want to do something with you at all, he would've just said "oh okay good because I made other plans" or something. The fact that he said "maybe you and I could do something", that's probably a good sign.

 

Just call him and say, hey maybe you'd like to come watch the kings game at my place? Or go for drinks and watch it - if hockey is his thing, he'll be pretty stoked on this I bet!

 

Like others have said, he can't read your mind. Maybe he took you saying "it's cancelled" as a way of saying you didn't wanna hang out or something (you never know), and maybe he said what he said as a means of not being rejected by you, who knows. He's your boyfriend, ask him to hang out. Worst he can say is that he's busy, and you'll see him in a day or two. No biggie!

 

Well it's not just that he said "maybe we can do something." It's more because he followed it up with "but I'm not sure I'll be able to." If he was planning to come to the party anyways, I guess it doesn't make sense to me that he now doesn't know if he's available.

[starrynightz45]

I think it's odd.

 

If he was planning to go with you to your friend's party and now that's off, why wouldn't the two of you go watch the Kings game together somewhere else? I think you are right to feel bothered by this.

 

 

 

This just sounds so wishy washy to me -- like he'll see you if he can't find anything better to do.

 

To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even responded to that text at all.

 

If you haven't heard from him yet, I would also go ahead and make other plans for tonight.

 

Do you two already have other plans to see each other either later this week or this weekend?

 

I agree, it made me feel like he's waiting around for other plans to come through. If they don't, he'll see me.

 

We do have plans for Saturday, to go to a concert. However- he invited a friend of his without even mentioning it to me and it was supposed to be our "date night." He's never done this before but again...weird behavior.

[starrynightz45]

Okay, I'm going to give you a different perspective.

 

I think you're justified in feeling what you're feeling. It does sound a bit odd and I'm not sure I wouldn't have thought the same thing had I been in the same situation. The fact that you clearly stated in your opening post that your boyfriend doesn't seem nearly as eager to see you as you are, will always leave you somewhat vulnerable.

 

At the same time, it is very easy to let your mind wonder and over think things so much that you end up creating problems where they really wasn't one to begin with. You don't want to do that either because it will f*ck up your world and your relationships.

 

The best course of action here is to TALK with him about it. You sound young so the whole idea communicating might seem slightly foreign to you particularly when you're only 2 months into a relationship. I encourage you to do it anyway. It will be the best and most important lesson I can pass on to anyone.

 

BUT be careful NOT to come across like your bitching or nagging him. THAT will just make things worse. Let him know that you love spending time with him but not sure how he feels. I would also bring up the fact that although you might enjoy the occasional spontaneity, you would prefer some notice so you can make plans accordingly. YOU have a life too!

 

And yes, I would advise NOT lowering yourself to playing games. Games are for children. If you like this guy and want to make it work, talk with him.

 

Good luck!

 

I do plan to talk to him, but I just needed some outsider opinions first. Sometimes I'm unsure if my hurt feelings are valid, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting before I brought it up to him. Thank you, I appreciate the post

[starrynightz45]

I just wanted to update this thread and say I talked to my boyfriend, and I was totally wrong. He called me to make plans for Thursday, saying that he'd just gotten home and felt things would be too rushed to plan something for that night, so that we should instead do Thursday (he was right, it was almost 7pm at that point). At that point, I told him his text had been bothering me.

 

He told me the reason he said he might not be able to do anything with me on Wednesday was that he had a bunch of errands to run during the day + it was his grandmother's birthday (100% true on both parts). By the time he got home from doing everything, it didn't leave much time for him to find something for us to do for that night, plus both of us getting ready on short notice, considering that he lives somewhat far away from me.

 

Again, I totally believe him because he's extremely picky and a HUGE planner (I really don't mind this actually). He needs to plan things out wayyy ahead of time before going out, he isn't spontaneous, and it's just his personality and has always been the case. He said that going to my friend's place didn't require any planning on his part except to show up, and so that was easy to do despite his busy day. Once those plans fell through, he needed to make dinner reservations (he spends a lot of time looking at menus before picking restaurants), or reserve tickets for movie/show, etc and that required some time which he didn't really have once he got home.

 

He said that I should have told him immediately after I got the text that it bothered me so he could have explained, and that if I had really wanted to see him, all I had to do was ask and he would have made it happen despite the time constraints. He then planned everything for tonight.

 

Now I feel bad for assuming the worst!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Chalk it up to a lesson that had to be learned. Good luck.

[DArtagnan2]

I just wanted to update this thread and say I talked to my boyfriend, and I was totally wrong. He called me to make plans for Thursday, saying that he'd just gotten home and felt things would be too rushed to plan something for that night, so that we should instead do Thursday (he was right, it was almost 7pm at that point). At that point, I told him his text had been bothering me.

 

He told me the reason he said he might not be able to do anything with me on Wednesday was that he had a bunch of errands to run during the day + it was his grandmother's birthday (100% true on both parts). By the time he got home from doing everything, it didn't leave much time for him to find something for us to do for that night, plus both of us getting ready on short notice, considering that he lives somewhat far away from me.

 

Again, I totally believe him because he's extremely picky and a HUGE planner (I really don't mind this actually). He needs to plan things out wayyy ahead of time before going out, he isn't spontaneous, and it's just his personality and has always been the case. He said that going to my friend's place didn't require any planning on his part except to show up, and so that was easy to do despite his busy day. Once those plans fell through, he needed to make dinner reservations (he spends a lot of time looking at menus before picking restaurants), or reserve tickets for movie/show, etc and that required some time which he didn't really have once he got home.

 

He said that I should have told him immediately after I got the text that it bothered me so he could have explained, and that if I had really wanted to see him, all I had to do was ask and he would have made it happen despite the time constraints. He then planned everything for tonight.

 

Now I feel bad for assuming the worst!

 

only you really know that you assumed the worse so don't let it beat you down, just take it as the poster above says and make it a lesson learned. You are still getting to know each other and the habits and whatnot, so patience, understanding and communication will need to be kept in the forefront of your mind. But that doesn't mean being blind to for sure signs, ya know?

 

Seeing as you know he is a planner and a little OCD about it, if there is a next time like this, mention that even a chill evening at home or something low key to do would be Ok.

 

I am glad it worked out.

[Iguanna]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months now. Things have been mostly OK - except that he doesn't seem nearly as eager to spend time together as I am.

 

 

If it was me, the problem would have been exactly there and I would have ended this relationship. In the first months of dating I demand to see the same (major) interest from the other person than the one I'm showing. Cause if his interest now is like 70%, after a year it will decrease more, and then more, and then we'll break up and I will have lost X years that I would have spent with someone who would be crazy about me.

[MissBee]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months now. Things have been mostly OK - except that he doesn't seem nearly as eager to spend time together as I am.

 

On Monday, we got dinner and I told him that a group of my friends were tentatively hosting a Kings game viewing party at their place on Wednesday. I told him I wasn't 100% sure it was going to happen, but that I wanted to know if he would like to come, and that I'd confirm the plans by Tuesday night. He said that was totally fine and that he would come for sure.

 

Tuesday afternoon, my friend told me that she had to cancel the party because of work/school issues. I told my boyfriend through text that the party wasn't happening after all. He texted me back saying "That's fine, another time. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow but maybe you and me can do something. Not sure though, I might not be able to." I said "Ok, we'll see. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow either."

 

My question is, if he had already set aside that time for the possibility that he was going to come with me to the party, then how is it that now that the party is canceled, he's saying he "doesn't know" if he'll be able to see me anyways? Doesn't that seem odd? He couldn't have made other plans for Wednesday night already, as he had already told me he would come and he responded to the text almost immediately.

 

Also, it kind of bothers me that he just assumes I'm totally free and available to see him - and that HE will let me know if HE is free. To me it just seems like a no-brainer that sine we were going to see each other anyways, and since the party was canceled, we are both available to see one another. So what's the deal?

 

I don't want to play games, but at the same time, I'm really tempted to make other plans and tell him I can't see him. Isn't that essentially what he's doing..waiting to see if other plans come up for him and if not he'll see me? Am I overanalyzing or is he being weird?

 

I get your feelings.

 

I think it would be more productive and help your relationship instead of playing games and pretending to make plans etc. that you tell him the truth about how you feel and your concerns. That's how you have a good relationship....by communicating. That may smooth things out versus building up resentment or being upset over a possible misunderstanding. I have secretly stewed over things like this and was upset when a simple conversation later cleared it up and resolved the issue.

 

The next time you hang out, bring it up casually in person. Don't accuse or blame just tell him that "You know what last time I was a little disappointed you couldn't see me on Wednesday when we had made plans for the party and although it was canceled I thought you would still be free" then bring up maybe having a set date night a week or talking about your quality time needs and where you can compromise.