shet Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Stripping my issue down to the bare essentials: I met a woman recently, hit it off, exchanged numbers, called, etc. She's really very keen to see me again, complimentary, all the good stuff. She's not coy and is making it easy, she's made every move unprompted since I exchanged numbers. We have a tentative... whatever it is this weekend, tentative because we are students and it is end of the year crunch. We even have backup plans for end of term, should work keep us too busy for a couple weeks, plans involving hitting parties together. Problem: she says she has a boyfriend. During our 2 hour phone convo while talking about many things with great enthusiasm, this clanger was dropped with no detail and no enthusiasm and moved on from quickly. I'm rather nonplussed. What sort of relationship is it where a woman wants to spend all evening on the phone flattering another man than her partner, and arranging to travel to meet him (specifically wants to come to me) during her currently precious free time? Where is this guy at? Why her determination to see me on any terms, with no sniff of any other commitments to a partner now or for the foreseeable future? Best I can figure, it's a lie. I don't know what for. Maybe a hasty backpedal when she thought she was coming on too strong. But what if it isn't? There's a large age gap, she's 21, I'm 30. My experience of young women is they can lack boundaries and do things without thinking of others. Is the guy maybe long distance and about to get made a fool of? Or am I reading too much into what seems a lot like strong interest from her and she actually just really wants to see my town ASAP and really enjoys my conversation? Should I just not think about it and see what happens?
Valen Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 There are 3 possibilities. 1. She just want a guy friend. 2. She wants a backup plan in case her boyfriend thing doesn't work out. 3. She loves the attention. 1
Assasda Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Well "I have a boyfriend" means: I have a guy that I am seeing right now, I'm not too interested in him, but if you look past that, you could be my next boyfriend. Thats basically what that means. It means that, if you 2 have a good time,m and you dont ask about the boyfriend or have a problem with it, then you'll be her boyfriend 1
ThatMan Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 There's people who date casually for the fun of it. Then there's people who absolutely require a safety net to rely on. Her current boyfriend is probably that safety net. Certain women keep a boyfriend laying around just in case their next prospective dates don't pan out. Well "I have a boyfriend" means: I have a guy that I am seeing right now, I'm not too interested in him, but if you look past that, you could be my next boyfriend. Thats basically what that means. It means that, if you 2 have a good time,m and you dont ask about the boyfriend or have a problem with it, then you'll be her boyfriend It also means you'd need keep that sort of woman entertained at all times. Just one single lapse of being less than exciting, behaving as anything less than what she expects of you, then she'll monkey rope onto the next guy. Bet on it. 2
Hopeful30 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I doubt she would lie about having a boyfriend. Why? Maybe she wants to start an affair, or have something on the side, and by saying she has a boyfriend she's leaving it up to you to decide if you're okay with that or not.
Keenly Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Let's make it really simple. One or the other must be true. A ) She lied, and she lied about something kind of important. You don't want to be in a relationship with a liar. Or B ) She does have a boyfriend, and would be just as quick to talking to other guys while you had such a title. 4
halfcrazed_i Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Either way -- you lose, right? Even if she doesn't have a boyfriend, the fact that she lied about having one is already a red flag. And let's say it's true that she has one, and she eventually leaves him for you... how can you live knowing that she can do to you what she did to her ex? 1
ayala Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Run far away. Lol But if you want to stay friends, then just keep talking. Don't do anything you would do with a girlfriend. Just hang out, talk, whatever. Whether or not she has a boyfriend, be nothing more than a friend to her. If she makes a move on you while she has this boyfriend, push her away and leave.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Yikes. I would stay away. You lose in any scenario, whether or not she's lying about it. She's playing games and that's not someone you want to get involved with. I would not follow up on any plans and if she asks why..well...she's not too bright either!
Emilia Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 There's a large age gap, she's 21, I'm 30. My experience of young women is they can lack boundaries and do things without thinking of others. Yes, same for any 21 year-old as they have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. She will screw over her boyfriend and you as well eventually. Up to you what you want to deal with.
Author shet Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 How negative. She really doesn't come across like this as a person, she's got a good head on her shoulders, plans, she's going places. Classy, doesn't feel like a person who slums it. But you're all right, it would be unacceptable to pursue anything romantic with her without addressing this boyfriend issue. She might be 21 and footloose but I'm too old not to play for keeps. I'll see how it goes on the day and if she's into me I'll just have to bring it up and see what's what.
mammasita Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Do you want sex or do you want relationship? Choose wisely.
Author shet Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Well... both would be nice? I don't settle for sex though, and frankly I probably wouldn't be able to perform on such a fast or casual basis even if I was in the market for that, which I'm not because in my world, only single people date. I don't care how on it is, unless she has an explanation about the boyfriend that I like she can go home.
Author shet Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Let's make it really simple. One or the other must be true. A ) She lied, and she lied about something kind of important. You don't want to be in a relationship with a liar. Ehh.. there are lies and lies. I'd be OK with that lie provided it's revealed as such rapidly. I remember being 21. You can say stupid **** under pressure and regret it. I've told women I liked I wasn't single when I was as a dumb self-defeating defence mechanism myself before. Perhaps that's why I'm less judgemental at this early stage than everyone else replying.
Tayla Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 So if she gives you a plausible explanation for the boyfriend, you'll consider her as a potential date? Okay that makes zero sense! try this, set the boundary, make social contact and let it be. She's not ready for a sensible relationship.
TigerLilly78 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Congratulations on being lined up to be the rebound...just remeber this is her pattern so when time comes and she losses interest in you she will do this again...leopard -->spots and all that..
ThatMan Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) How negative. Yes, I'm sure her current relationship is a very negative experience for everyone involved. What sort of relationship is it where a woman wants to spend all evening on the phone flattering another man than her partner, and arranging to travel to meet him (specifically wants to come to me) during her currently precious free time? The sort of relationship that isn't filled with rainbows and sunshine. We can all reasonably assume that she isn't enjoying herself. But you're all right, it would be unacceptable to pursue anything romantic with her without addressing this boyfriend issue. You do that. She'll still be the sort of woman who likes to keep a spare boyfriend as a backup plan. And you'll still be dating a woman who is demonstrably capable of spending hours flirting away on the phone while already in a relationship. Don't you dare let her down for a single fleeting moment and there's nothing to worry about. Unless of course you're well-adjusted enough to understand how unrealistic those expectations are. Then maybe you'll be better off dating a woman who can articulate her concerns in a relationship rather than secretly look elsewhere. Ehh.. there are lies and lies. I'd be OK with that lie provided it's revealed as such rapidly. I remember being 21. You can say stupid **** under pressure and regret it. I've told women I liked I wasn't single when I was as a dumb self-defeating defence mechanism myself before. Perhaps that's why I'm less judgemental at this early stage than everyone else replying. Look, shet, this woman is just spreading her wings out for the first time. Even respectable women need that initial opportunity to put themselves out there, make mistakes, and then learn from the experience. Just because she's ambitious and young doesn't somehow change the behavior. You won't ever see me become an batterer apologist just because they're young adults, so why are you accepting of her bad behavior? She's twenty-one. What's your excuse? Why are you spending hours on the phone flirting with an unavailable woman? Edited May 21, 2014 by ThatMan phone...
Author shet Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 The way you guys tell it I should refuse to meet her at all. I should recoil in disgust from a cheating whore with no loyalty. This woman I met at college who likes me despite being surrounded by immensely hotter guys far more suitable. Listen to yourselves. This isn't a support group for the cheated-upon and I am not the person who stole your partner. I've said like three times I will not be stealing some guys girl. It could be a lie. It could be an arranged thing by her parents, explaining the negative way she mentioned it, I have known that sort of thing before and I am absolutely happy to get with someone in that circumstance because it's some patriarchal third world bull**** (her family are immigrants). She could be in the process of leaving him as we speak, since he seems like such an absent doofus. She could be calling a guy she'd dated a couple times boyfriend. She could have some weird standards of what a relationship is and be talking about an internet-boyfriend (I've known these types too). Until we meet and talk about it I don't know. I'm being put on the defensive here, in this place FULL of cheaters, affair havers, people ****ing multiple people, people talking about the idea of "exclusivity" like it's optional and a talk that needs to be had, and you all support them. Around here I'm a saint, and you're attacking me? I am going to meet this woman, and we will have a nice time, and if she so much as flutters an eyelash at me which she probably will I will hash out what the deal is with her relationship, and if I don't like what she says about that I will explain I feel it's inappropriate. I've done it before more than once. One time it was an overreaction and a mistake on my part, which has haunted me ever since for what I lost. I won't anymore just run away from someone who comes to me "with a boyfriend" without finding out what that means. You have no idea the levels of sadness and loneliness and abuse out there and the forms that a cry for help can take.
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