Relationship and Career Conflict

[Ajax]

I went to grad school to become a Social Studies teacher. Unfortunately when I graduated three years ago it was smack dab in the middle of the recession. Schools were cutting their budgets to the bone, and Social Studies teachers in particular were a dime a dozen. I didn't get a job out of school.

 

But because I really like teaching and can't imagine myself really happy doing anything else, I took a job as a substitute in a small school district about a half hour away from my home town. I spent two years getting to know the students, faculty, and administration, hoping that someday it would lead to a permanent position.

 

Then ten months ago I met my girlfriend. We fell for each other immediately. She had so much of her life already together. Great career. A house, a dog, and even a picket fence. She lived an hour away from my home and about an hour and twenty minutes from my school, but we spend weekends together and meet up at least once during the week, so it was working fine.

 

But we both want more. We both want to get married and have kids, and me subbing in a district so far away with no prospects was impractical. So while I was holding down a four month temporary placement in my school, I was trying to set up contacts in her city with the idea that I'd move up there and sub in multiple districts when I was finished.

 

Well, something unexpected happened. One of the Social Studies teachers in my school was accused of something, and the principal needed me to fill the vacancy for the rest of the year, and the job would probably be mine next year if I wanted it. Great huh?

 

Except it's a no-go for my girlfriend. We've talked for hours and hours, and it seems she'd rather I move up and substitute than take this job. I even offered to move up and commute, something that isn't appealing, but my dad commuted the same distance his entire career. People do it. But she was not receptive.

 

I've agreed to take the job for the rest of the school year. The students need someone qualified and who they trust to get them through the year. It also will be great on a resume and will get me a good reference from the school.

 

But my girlfriend still thinks I'm passing up opportunities closer to her, and I don't know what to do it they offer to make it permanent.

 

I don't know what to do.

Edited May 21, 2014 by Ajax

[mrs rubble]

I went to grad school to become a Social Studies teacher. Unfortunately when I graduated three years ago it was smack dab in the middle of the recession. Schools were cutting their budgets to the bone, and Social Studies teachers in particular were a dime a dozen. I didn't get a job out of school.

 

But because I really like teaching and can't imagine myself really happy doing anything else, I took a job as a substitute in a small school district about a half hour away from my home town. I spent two years getting to know the students, faculty, and administration, hoping that someday it would lead to a permanent position.

 

Then ten months ago I met my girlfriend. We fell for each other immediately. She had so much of her life already together. Great career. A house, a dog, and even a picket fence. She lived an hour away from my home and about an hour and twenty minutes from my school, but we spend weekends together and meet up at least once during the week, so it was working fine.

 

But we both want more. We both want to get married and have kids, and me subbing in a district so far away with no prospects was impractical. So while I was holding down a four month temporary placement in my school, I was trying to set up contacts in her city with the idea that I'd move up there and sub in multiple districts when I was finished.

 

Well, something unexpected happened. One of the Social Studies teachers in my school was accused of something, and the principal needed me to fill the vacancy for the rest of the year, and the job would probably be mine next year if I wanted it. Great huh?

 

Except it's a no-go for my girlfriend. We've talked for hours and hours, and it seems she'd rather I move up and substitute than take this job. I even offered to move up and commute, something that isn't appealing, but my dad commuted the same distance his entire career. People do it. But she was not receptive.

 

I've agreed to take the job for the rest of the school year. The students need someone qualified and who they trust to get them through the year. It also will be great on a resume and will get me a good reference from the school.

 

But my girlfriend still thinks I'm passing up opportunities closer to her, and I don't know what to do it they offer to make it permanent.

 

I don't know what to do.

Why is she anti you moving and commuting?

You'd be the only one put out. She sounds a bit a selfish.

[Eivuwan]

She's expecting too much from you at this stage of the relationship. Your career needs to come first. You are already having a hard time, why make it worse by going to another district? The commute doesn't even sound that bad. You guys can meet up halfway and go on dates. I don't see what the issue is.

[newmoon]

this could also be a test of the relationship and your plans to take it farther or not. if you don't show some good faith towards your gf she may believe you don't have a future together, or don't see her as a long-term partner, despite what you say or talk about. at 10 months you should have a good idea of if you want to progress with her, move in together, etc. if you do, then I would side with her on this. it'd be more beneficial to get to your new location and begin looking for work there and substituting there, because if you stay in the position you're in and get a f/t offer... then what? you'd stay if they offer you f/t and the prospect of living in the same city as your gf will be completely gone.

[Eivuwan]

this could also be a test of the relationship and your plans to take it farther or not. if you don't show some good faith towards your gf she may believe you don't have a future together, or don't see her as a long-term partner, despite what you say or talk about. at 10 months you should have a good idea of if you want to progress with her, move in together, etc. if you do, then I would side with her on this. it'd be more beneficial to get to your new location and begin looking for work there and substituting there, because if you stay in the position you're in and get a f/t offer... then what? you'd stay if they offer you f/t and the prospect of living in the same city as your gf will be completely gone.

 

Except, they are only an hour away from each other. That's nothing in my eyes. He even offered to live in the same city as her and commute longer to work. It seems like she's just being demanding.

[Grumpybutfun]

The commute suggestion you gave her is a good compromise. You have worked too hard and done too much investing to pass up this opportunity. It won't be easy but you can do this. I have done worse for my family and wife. However, I've never been asked to pass up career opportunities because it will be an inconvenient for my wife. She needs to understand that if you pass up this opportunity, you may not get another in this economy. I know how hard it is to get a good teaching position as I have family that is still waiting for anything to open up in their area. The commute is a good compromise. Her way is just selfish. Love doesn't demand you sacrifice yourself, but rather that you both give equally in life. You drive more, and she sees you less. It is all about compromise.

Best,

Grumps

[nescafe1982]

OP as a history prof who also graduated mid-recession (and who still hasn't found the holy grail of a permanent position), your post struck a chord with me.

 

I think you are being more than fair by suggesting you move to her and make the commute. I don't know what you can do additionally... it sounds to me like she's not doing her bit to accommodate your two-body problem.

 

My fiance and I have been long distance twice: once, for a year as a bicoastal couple; again for six months when I was two continents and seven time-zones away (in a country with a crumbling internet structure and limited telephone access, no less). It was tough but the question was always "how are we going to make this work?" and never "will we make this work?"

 

Finding someone that is willing to work around a two-body issue is the hardest thing about being an educator. Heck, it's the hardest thing about being part of a couple these days!

 

But seriously, to my view you've extended yourself reasonably, and she needs to do same.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would communicate to her that while you want to build a life with her, you need full time work. And that will, for a time, require sacrifice on both your parts. Perhaps you can take this position now, and continue to seek full time work in her town? In a couple years, who knows? You might find one.

 

But being in a committed relationship is all about the long game. It sounds to me like you know that... it's just that she doesn't seem to have considered it yet.

Edited May 21, 2014 by nescafe1982

[Smilecharmer]

Your commuting idea is sound and I can't understand why she would be willing for you to give up the perfect career opportunity so you can be home an hour earlier. She needs to understand that life isn't always about her. Don't set the precedence where you cater to her or you will never stop trying to please her and failing miserably. People need to understand that we all have personal goals and dreams and she is dissing yours for her own selfish reasons.

[MissBee]

I think it's selfish for your gf not to compromise.

 

While I would definitely be bummed my guy could no longer move nearer to me I would be happy for him that he's finally getting to do what he really wants and something that will boost his career options in the future, which will only help us should we decide to marry. I cannot possibly imagine asking he turn down a position he really wants to continue subbing or doing something he doesn't.

 

IMO, at this stage in the relationship, i.e. you're not engaged or married, you need to put your career first and make wise decisions in that regard. God forbid you two break up, which happens, you will be kicking yourself for not having gone for what you wanted. You doing this will even help your future if you all decide to get married and if I were her I would support you on it and agree to the compromise you offered and go from there. She needs to budge on this and make it more of a compromise where she's meeting you half way versus wanting her own way about it regardless of what's best for you.

[Els]

Yes, why is she against you commuting?

 

Aside from that, IMO ten months is a bit soon to be sacrificing your career for a relationship, especially when you can conceivably have both if she were willing to compromise. I guess my viewpoint is also slightly biased because even living an hour apart really doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

 

How soon do you plan to have kids anyway?

[nescafe1982]

I guess my viewpoint is also slightly biased because even living an hour apart really doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

 

This struck me, too. An hour or 90 minute commute isn't even "long-distance"!

[Ajax]

I don't have too long to respond, since I'm going in to start my second day on this job. But to address some of your replies:

 

She's 33, I'm 31. So there's a matter of her wanting kids before it starts to become more difficult. We've been on the same page about this. Up until this point our relationship has been fairly drama and conflict free, and she's never been one to impose her will on me.

 

That being said... yeah. I thought the compromise to commute was perfectly reasonable. I'd leave the house at 6AM and be back most days a little after 5PM. Since I haven't moved in with her yet, she'd still be seeing me more than she does now.

 

I didn't mean to paint her as an uncompromising or selfish person, because up until this situation she hasn't been that. But I agonized over this all night. Thanks to everyone for their replies. If anyone out there can think of any other outside of the box solutions please let me know!

[Els]

Well, the only thing I can think of would be that she's worried about how tenable it'd be in the long term if you were planning to keep the job even when you have kids that need to be taken care of. But even then, really, 6am to 5pm isn't bad at all - some people with families work longer hours than that even without the long commute.

 

Take the job if you want it, IMO.

[d0nnivain]

A bird in the hand . . .

 

You have a job in this economy & you like it. Take it.

 

If you are willing to commute, keep dating her. An hour is no bog deal.

 

Once you have the job & the experience, you can keep looking.

 

If she isn't happy with that very practical compromise, the long term prospects for a happy marriage aren't good because she will always be intractable.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Is she opposed to the commute, or does she believe this job presents a high opportunity cost for you career-wise?

 

If taking this job means committing to it for several years, and she thinks you can do better, maybe she's concerned it's not the right move for you?

[Eivuwan]

Is she opposed to the commute, or does she believe this job presents a high opportunity cost for you career-wise?

 

If taking this job means committing to it for several years, and she thinks you can do better, maybe she's concerned it's not the right move for you?

 

He said it's difficult for him to get a job like this in this economy. It's just the commute.

[Ajax]

Is she opposed to the commute, or does she believe this job presents a high opportunity cost for you career-wise?

 

If taking this job means committing to it for several years, and she thinks you can do better, maybe she's concerned it's not the right move for you?

 

He said it's difficult for him to get a job like this in this economy. It's just the commute.

 

Yes, it is hard to get a job in my field in this economy, especially without having made connections and putting your time in. Something I've been doing in the school for almost three years now. The idea of walking out the door for an ambiguous job field just as my time and effort is about to pay off kills me.

 

But I do think that to a certain extent she does think I'm giving up opportunities closer. My girlfriend is in the medical field, and while she knows on an intellectual level that the job market for History Teachers is darn near nil, I don't think she really understands. She almost seems to have the mindset that if I tried harder, applied myself more, and charmed the pants off some principal, they'd make a job for me. It just doesn't work that way.

 

And to be quite honest, the past three years of looking for permanent work has been exhausting. I'm sick of it, and I guess a part of me is starting to resent the idea that she wants me to keep looking just so I can be closer to her immediately. I need a break from it.

[Eivuwan]

Yes, it is hard to get a job in my field in this economy, especially without having made connections and putting your time in. Something I've been doing in the school for almost three years now. The idea of walking out the door for an ambiguous job field just as my time and effort is about to pay off kills me.

 

But I do think that to a certain extent she does think I'm giving up opportunities closer. My girlfriend is in the medical field, and while she knows on an intellectual level that the job market for History Teachers is darn near nil, I don't think she really understands. She almost seems to have the mindset that if I tried harder, applied myself more, and charmed the pants off some principal, they'd make a job for me. It just doesn't work that way.

 

And to be quite honest, the past three years of looking for permanent work has been exhausting. I'm sick of it, and I guess a part of me is starting to resent the idea that she wants me to keep looking just so I can be closer to her immediately. I need a break from it.

 

Being in the humanities field as well, I completely know where you are coming from. I think you have been very reasonable. If your relationship cannot survive this little bump, then she is probably not someone you can live with long-term. Dealing with this is probably a lot easier than dealing with the difficulties that come up in marriage.

[jwi71]

Well, something unexpected happened. One of the Social Studies teachers in my school was accused of something, and the principal needed me to fill the vacancy for the rest of the year, and the job would probably be mine next year if I wanted it. Great huh?

 

Yes - one would think she would be happy for you.

 

Except it's a no-go for my girlfriend. We've talked for hours and hours, and it seems she'd rather I move up and substitute than take this job. I even offered to move up and commute, something that isn't appealing, but my dad commuted the same distance his entire career. People do it. But she was not receptive.

 

Why not? This is not impacting HER life to any great degree (save for lost time due to commute) - but that's a nit.

 

My first thought was "she's controlling or spoiled (always get her way)". But maybe she, once a plan is laid, sticks to it no matter what. OR maybe she seeks control - she has the job ergo she has the money ergo she has the power.

 

Just tossing some things out there to consider.

 

I've agreed to take the job for the rest of the school year. The students need someone qualified and who they trust to get them through the year. It also will be great on a resume and will get me a good reference from the school.

 

Good.

 

But my girlfriend still thinks I'm passing up opportunities closer to her, and I don't know what to do it they offer to make it permanent.

 

1) IF. They must first make the offer for you both to have a problem.

2) IF, they do - I fail to understand why she 1) refuses to negotiate and 2) objects to YOUR commute. You'd better believe she is showing you EXACTLY how she will behave if you pursue this R any further - is that acceptable?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Work, have a good R, aim for the full time offer at the school - tackle tomorrow when it comes - but my spidey sense is saying she has issues - and may not be the woman for you.

[lollipopspot]

Yes, it is hard to get a job in my field in this economy, especially without having made connections and putting your time in. Something I've been doing in the school for almost three years now...

 

My girlfriend is in the medical field, and while she knows on an intellectual level that the job market for History Teachers is darn near nil, I don't think she really understands. She almost seems to have the mindset that if I tried harder, applied myself more, and charmed the pants off some principal, they'd make a job for me. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Just reading about her lack of understanding is irritating. It doesn't take a genius to realize that decent jobs in the humanities are hard to come by now. If this persists, this seems to me to be deal breaker territory. I'd hate to raise kids and have a life with someone so impractical, especially as you've presented a reasonable solution - take the job and keep looking closer to home.

[Smilecharmer]

As a woman who raised kids while my husband was off working all the time, like months at a time, her insistence on you trying to find a job closer to her seems really nit picky. I raised them and had a full time job because his work was meaningful to him and he more than made up for it when he was home. I would be thrilled for my husband or fiancé to have finally found something where he invested so much time. If you had been offered a comparable job where she lives and turned it down, I could understand but you have no full time employment there, right?

[Ajax]

I have today off because of a long Memorial Day weekend, so I came up to her house last night. We went around and around all night without getting anywhere. Her objections to me taking the job and commuting are these:

 

1) As an involved teacher, she feels my time working that far away, going to meetings, games, activities and community events will be tantamount to leading a double life.

 

2) She doesn't want to raise a family with someone who spends 10-15 hours per week in the car, in addition to the work I would be bringing home with me.

 

3) She thinks the money spent on gas as well as maintaining the additional wear and tear on my car would be better spent somewhere else.

 

4) There's no equidistant location we could locate that would be acceptable to her. She said a 20 minute commute would be the max she would ever want to do.

 

5) I'm altering the plan we've been working towards of me finding a job up here.

 

Regardless of the job market and my additional experience and marketability from taking this job, she thinks I should take a leap of faith and put all of my eggs in one basket up here with her.

 

This is a hurdle I didn't see coming just a couple weeks ago, and it's a conflict I'm not sure we can resolve. I've had parents of students who work in the building come to me saying how glad they are that I'm taking over for the rest of the year, and I really feel like I can do good things. But It also hurts knowing that I may have to choose between that and the woman who I love and was planning a future with.

 

I absolutely hate being in this position.

[Eivuwan]

I have today off because of a long Memorial Day weekend, so I came up to her house last night. We went around and around all night without getting anywhere. Her objections to me taking the job and commuting are these:

 

1) As an involved teacher, she feels my time working that far away, going to meetings, games, activities and community events will be tantamount to leading a double life.

 

2) She doesn't want to raise a family with someone who spends 10-15 hours per week in the car, in addition to the work I would be bringing home with me.

 

3) She thinks the money spent on gas as well as maintaining the additional wear and tear on my car would be better spent somewhere else.

 

4) There's no equidistant location we could locate that would be acceptable to her. She said a 20 minute commute would be the max she would ever want to do.

 

5) I'm altering the plan we've been working towards of me finding a job up here.

 

Regardless of the job market and my additional experience and marketability from taking this job, she thinks I should take a leap of faith and put all of my eggs in one basket up here with her.

 

This is a hurdle I didn't see coming just a couple weeks ago, and it's a conflict I'm not sure we can resolve. I've had parents of students who work in the building come to me saying how glad they are that I'm taking over for the rest of the year, and I really feel like I can do good things. But It also hurts knowing that I may have to choose between that and the woman who I love and was planning a future with.

 

I absolutely hate being in this position.

 

I don't know what to say Ajax. It sucks but you have only known each other for only 10 months. It seems like the honeymoon period is over and she is showing you some of her flaws (one of which is being very self-centered). It's only 10 months... She's expecting way too much. Is she planning to support you should be become unemployed? Think about that.

[Krytie TV]

I guess the straight to the point response is that girlfriends come and go. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to solidify your career at 31. Life is short. A woman who loved you from a place of respect would be supportive of your decision to take the position. I can't stress enough that woman with a lack of respect for your personal goals and a woman who truly loves you are mutually exclusive. Seems like she's more focused on what your job means to her than what it means to you.

 

 

There is also nothing wrong with her feeling the way she does and wanting the things she wants. It just seems that you may not be the one to provide it. I met my now glorious wife when I was 35. We were able to marry, court, and have children. There's time for you, if this is not the one, don't force it. Do not sabotage your career unless you really, really mean it. If you did, and you were to part ways in a year, how would you feel? Let that be your compass.

[Ruby Slippers]

Congratulations on the job!

 

That's what a loving, supportive girlfriend would be saying, then working with you to figure out the next steps.

 

I agree that it sounds as though your girlfriend is being self-centered and unreasonable, and showing a lack of respect for your career path and situation.

 

I think you'd be very foolish to turn down this opportunity because she doesn't approve of it.

 

I think if she can't support you in this, she's probably not the woman for you.