Keeping a friend you have feelings for?

[morbot_k]

So a girl I had met online and gone on a few dates with, but then had gotten serious with someone else and we ended up being friends. Which was fine and I had actually lost interest and saw her as a cute friend that was fun to hang out with.

 

A month ago she became a lot more interested in spending time with me and we had a lot of fun, and I could feel a different vibe from her. I started to have feelings and wasn't sure what was going on. Until I saw her profile online was active again. i didn't say anything and some weeks past - we're having a great time but finally on Sunday, I confessed to having seen her profile saying I felt weird not admitting it.

 

She agreed that what we had been doing was very ambiguous and that was partly by her intention. She said that after her divorce 2 years ago, and the two failed relationships after that, she's a bit uncertain and shaken about dating. She's going on lots of first dates but doesn't know what she wants. And she wants me as a friend because right now she doesn't have friends that has so much fun with and she's really enjoying herself, but she needs me as a friend right now. She said in a few months she'd like to revisit this conversation. She added that she really appreciated how I have pursued her and given her a lot of space, and that she respects me a great deal.

 

I told her that I had a strong interest in dating her - but not that I had feelings. I also told her I didn't want to pursue someone who didn't want me either, and that I would want to be her friend. I really do. There are friendships and then they are friendships. I see her as someone who could be a very close friend for many years to come.

 

We talked about other things and when parted ways, we gave each other a pretty tight hug.

 

I understand that my feelings aren't her responsibility unless she is actively fostering them.

 

The problem is that she makes other women seem so blah and it's not fun to go on dates with other girls. I really enjoy her company, it's so much fun. I do get something out of it. And she does make herself available. And she is very generous and often beats me to the check. I think she's a great person. I do value a friendship with her.

 

Any advice on what to do? Should I take a break from hanging out with her until these feelings subside? Or will they just rekindle? Or do I just have to deal with it and learn to let go?

[soccerrprp]

First of all, you DO have feeling for her. Secondly, if you intend to date anyone else, you need to break off contact with this woman as it would be irresponsible and unfair to the next person you're dating. Otherwise, don't date anyone else.

[todreaminblue]

When you develop strong feelings for someone it is really unfair to date another.......i know this from experience......if you catch yourself saying wish so and so was here even if you treat the person as gold ....your heart isnt happy......deb

[morbot_k]

crap. well. what do i say to her then? How do I do it? I am not familiar with this.

 

We have tickets to go see a show for Friday. Do I just disappear for a few weeks because I do have a lot of traveling after that for the next few weeks?

 

Then the next time she reaches out I can explain that the problem is I have feelings and I am having trouble dating other people because of that. So I am not sure I can stay in touch because it's interfering with my own dating life?

[Assasda]

I think you screwed yourself by trying to put labels on your relationship.

You could be with this girl, in theory, but you wanted her to commit to you then and there.

 

Dont doo any explaining that you have "feelings" for her. Just try to get out there and see other women, and stop being needy.

Yes, You are needy.

 

If you keep hanging around her, you'll just be like her gay-best friend

[morbot_k]

I think you screwed yourself by trying to put labels on your relationship.

You could be with this girl, in theory, but you wanted her to commit to you then and there.

 

Dont doo any explaining that you have "feelings" for her. Just try to get out there and see other women, and stop being needy.

Yes, You are needy.

 

If you keep hanging around her, you'll just be like her gay-best friend

 

What specifically have i done that has resulted in you concluding I am needy?

[Assasda]

What specifically have i done that has resulted in you concluding I am needy?

 

You asked her, "What are we?"

or something along those lines.

 

You purposefully left out the questions you asked her, but I have too much experience with women to know that they just dont come out and say "What we have is ambiguous..."

 

And that you had strong feelings, for dating her.

Its needy behavior.

 

And you know that youre being internally needy as well. I dont have to tell you this, so you can continue to lie to yourself, but I wont like to you

[morbot_k]

You asked her, "What are we?"

or something along those lines.

 

You purposefully left out the questions you asked her, but I have too much experience with women to know that they just dont come out and say "What we have is ambiguous..."

 

And that you had strong feelings, for dating her.

Its needy behavior.

 

And you know that youre being internally needy as well. I dont have to tell you this, so you can continue to lie to yourself, but I wont like to you

 

I purposely left out the question? WTF?

 

I am not sure how you define needy, but my most standard definitions...certainly am not in need of her or anyone's validation or attention.

 

You sound like someone who revels in being condescending to people under the guise of tough love. Frankly, that comes across as more needy than anything I have done.

[Assasda]

I purposely left out the question? WTF?

 

I am not sure how you define needy, but my most standard definitions...certainly am not in need of her or anyone's validation or attention.

 

You sound like someone who revels in being condescending to people under the guise of tough love. Frankly, that comes across as more needy than anything I have done.

 

hahahahaha.

You dont think you asking for relationship validation is needy?

 

You can all it what it will, hide from it, pretend to not be doing it, but still do it.

I feel no need to be rude. I show no tough love. I just tell the truth.

And again. You purposefully left out the questions you asked her in your description.

- I have no idea, why you post here if youre too sensitive to here the truth. You shoouldve just all kept it in your head and wondered "wht am I doing wrong"

[morbot_k]

hahahahaha.

You dont think you asking for relationship validation is needy?

 

You can all it what it will, hide from it, pretend to not be doing it, but still do it.

I feel no need to be rude. I show no tough love. I just tell the truth.

And again. You purposefully left out the questions you asked her in your description.

- I have no idea, why you post here if youre too sensitive to here the truth. You shoouldve just all kept it in your head and wondered "wht am I doing wrong"

 

I didn't leave anything out. I didn't ask her anything.

 

I don't think I did anything wrong. I am not asking for that. You keep making this stuff up about what I did or how I think, if it wasn't annoying it would be amusing.

[Rainbowx]

I don't see how having strong feelings for someone and the desire to date them being "needy". Wouldn't further pressuring on the subject be considered that? He isn't doing that, and he's trying to discuss options to move on with his life so he can stop feeling this way.

[Haydaman712]

Grow some balls dude.

 

She has the right be in the type of relationship she wants. But so do you. She does NOT have 100% of the power to dictate where both of you stand.

 

This is how you contuning to be her male girlfriend will turn out. You're going to get more and more feelings for her. Eventually you'll try again. She'll reject you with 95% certainty. She see's a liar. A weak man. You see a bitch, a heartless rejection machine. Nobody wins.

 

Stand your ground, and stick up for yourself. It's okay to disagree with her. Sometimes being a "yes man" will only make her resent you.

 

Tell her politely that you're not interested in being just friends. And that if she ever changes her mind to get in contact.

[BlueIris]

I read this thread because I'm in a similar situation and I really admire how you did this, OP. I didn't see it as needy. Actually, just the opposite because I view open, candid people as very strong and confident.

 

Anyway, as to your question, I think the best relationships grow slowly. But I agree that dating other people would be unfair to the other people. Conundrum. Are you willing to wait and stay platonic? I would be, and am, in my case.

Edited May 22, 2014 by BlueIris

[Versacehottie]

I read this thread because I'm in a similar situation and I really admire how you did this, OP. I didn't see it as needy. Actually, just the opposite because I view open, candid people as very strong and confident.

 

Anyway, as to your question, I think the best relationships grow slowly. But I agree that dating other people would be unfair to the other people. Conundrum. Are you willing to wait and stay platonic? I would be, and am, in my case.

 

I agree with most of this. Open, candid is strong and confident. I don't think you overdid it. And yes many great relationships start this way. I don't necessarily, however, think it's bad to date other people. After all, you are on a dating site/app sooooo how serious are these potential dates expecting to be?!? Address that point, when and if, you meet someone for which this decision must be made.

 

In the meantime stay in this girl's life but maybe cut contact in half. That way you will be giving yourself a chance with some else and some space AND she will have the chance to miss you and appreciate you. Plus while I wouldn't discuss your dating life with her now that you put it out on table that you would like to date--the fact that she knows you are out there doing it, should light a bit of fire under her, especially if she doesn't have details. I think there's a chance because if she just liked you as a friend she would not say "let's revisit this convo in a few months". You just need to tip scales in your favor and hedge yourself by dating others. Good luck

[Spirit1985]

I understand this, as I know I've been the girl in this situation. Its nice to go out with someone you get on so well with and have that close friendship/connection but not date them. She probably really feels for you but not in a BF/GF kind of way. It's hard to explain I guess. I enjoy going out and having fun with guys that I can trust and feel close to without feeling the need to have sex with them. When I had a BF (years ago now), I was never allowed any male friends. So now I love having friends who are guys, especially if I feel their my real guy mate. I no it sounds abit weird and hard to understand but maybe she feels like she can trust you enough to let her hair down, have fun and be herself around you. If you can't deal with how the friendship is, you should definitely tell her and if you need to distance yourself, then do so. You don't want to get hurt. I don't think she'd ever want to hurt you, but you got to do whats right for you.

[TigerLilly78]

hahahahaha.

You dont think you asking for relationship validation is needy?

 

You can all it what it will, hide from it, pretend to not be doing it, but still do it.

I feel no need to be rude. I show no tough love. I just tell the truth.

And again. You purposefully left out the questions you asked her in your description.

- I have no idea, why you post here if youre too sensitive to here the truth. You shoouldve just all kept it in your head and wondered "wht am I doing wrong"

 

Shakes my head...How is the OP needy? he enjoys this girls friendship yet has developed feelings for her..how on earth is that needy? this might be your view on the truth but I don't see it..OP don't take this to heart your not needy.

 

I know this situation all to well myself I got a friend like this atm and it sucks when things are kind of there but kinda not for what ever reason. Just give it time and I guess if things are meant to be they will mine is pretty much the only one I want so im going to play the friend role until things go as they will..best of luck with yours..

[morbot_k]

Grow some balls dude.

 

She has the right be in the type of relationship she wants. But so do you. She does NOT have 100% of the power to dictate where both of you stand.

 

This is how you contuning to be her male girlfriend will turn out. You're going to get more and more feelings for her. Eventually you'll try again. She'll reject you with 95% certainty. She see's a liar. A weak man. You see a bitch, a heartless rejection machine. Nobody wins.

 

Stand your ground, and stick up for yourself. It's okay to disagree with her. Sometimes being a "yes man" will only make her resent you.

 

Tell her politely that you're not interested in being just friends. And that if she ever changes her mind to get in contact.

 

I am her friend first. If I said I was not interested in being just friends and would cut off the contact, that would be doing myself a disservice and not the truth because I do want to be her friend. I want to be her friend and more. But if I can't have the more, that's means I should throw away the friendship? I am not interested in being a martyr here, but I don't think it should be all that hard to maintain a friendship with someone I like.

 

We're still getting to know one another. Her armor is only slowly coming down. She's been only slowly opening up more and more. And we do have a fantastic time together.

 

I just don't see why that's a bad thing. Why not let the process play itself out?

 

 

I've been thinking about it, and what I really stand for and believe in. And the truth is, if someone knows me, then there's nothing else I can do. It's not up to me to decide for her what will make her happy or feel bad about it. She has to go through whatever process she has to go through and whatever she values. Ultimately her pursuing her happiness will be in my best interest long term. Maybe I could play my cards a certain way to get her to date me for a bit, but I am not looking for a short term dating situation. I am interested in a really fulfilling connection. And I just don't think that being insincere is conducive to that.

 

If she wants me as a friend that's great. People act like being friends is some sort of chump's treasure.

 

I am going to try to date other people. Going on just a few dates with someone isn't being unfair to them. Maybe it will help let these feelings subside.

[morbot_k]

So I felt I should update you guys who are curious about how things can work out in this situation.

 

I had dinner and we saw a play last saturday. As friends of course. We spent time afterwards had a few drinks, flirted a bit, and I held her hand in mine. We parted with a hug, with no plans to meet again.

 

Over the weekend she texted me and I texted back. I told her I had been thinking about her, and a day later she said she had been thinking about me too.

 

No contact until today. She called me to get a drink, we met up, and talked. She brought up dating and her frustrations with it, and talked about how much she respected me. I thought she was going to tell me the whole she only sees me as a friend...but instead she said she had feelings but after her divorce she didn't want to jump into a relationship as that has not seemed to work out for her.

 

I told her that what we are doing isn't sustainable because if we got involved with someone it wouldn't be right. She agreed. I told her that we could date and date other people, I have no problem with that....but I think she should do whatever she needs to do and feel comfortable with. I said that what I feel isn't the issue, it's what I believe. And what I believe is that she should do what she feels she needs to in order to find her happiness and what will be good for her...and that ultimately that's in everyone's best interest.

 

She didn't say anything, she got up and walked to me and then kissed me. It was magical.

 

 

To all the people who said that when she told me she didn't know what she wanted, and just wanted to be friends...when she said that...that I should walk away. Thank goodness I didn't listen to you. Thank goodness.

[Versacehottie]

awwwww yay!! i knew it! sometimes i think the black and white, "you should walk away" sorts of answers are given by fear and anxiety and people who got burned in some situation once a million years ago and need a course on reading comprehension!! So happy for you;)

 

*best post of the day

[morbot_k]

The only thing is I am still struggling on whether or not to go on dates with other people. I asked her to just let me know if she is becoming serious with anyone else and she asked for the same in return.

 

Thing is, I really don't feel like dating others, but feel like it's a smart distraction.

[Versacehottie]

hi morbot, trying to private msg you but it won't go thru. PM me!

[Versacehottie]

The only thing is I am still struggling on whether or not to go on dates with other people. I asked her to just let me know if she is becoming serious with anyone else and she asked for the same in return.

 

Thing is, I really don't feel like dating others, but feel like it's a smart distraction.

 

hmmm, i'm 50/50 on that. I feel like she indicated that she is ready to move forward, right? And with good friends, moving into a romantic territory, the stakes are probably higher. My instinct is to keep yourself really busy with your own life at least for a few weeks until you have a better idea if it's going to be full-on. I think that's what will happen.