FrostBlaze Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Little rant and byez. If you feel the same, feel free to join in or contradict. Relationships or just having a partner isn't for everyone. You have people tell you "to keep looking there's someone out there for you." In the end you have to accept that there are a lot of people out there that never find a partner, because there just isn't someone that would accept them. Be it the fact that you lack being sexual in any manner (like me) or whatever other condition you have that doesn't appeal to other people, some folk are just ment to be alone, i have come to accept that.(don't be sad about it if you feel the same, i ain't ^^) They tell us to "be ourselves". Obviously being myself isn't good enough, i'm probably to of a nice guy/pushover. SO then people say "CHANGE"...make up your mind allready, do i stay myself or change?? I hate the change, i can't be something i ain't, if noone accepts me or finds it attractive because of how i act, that's life. Some people have tried to help here on LS and i thank them, but i mostly think this forum is kinda depressing, filled with to much hate. You can cram up the advice given in most topics in two categories, it's the same thing over and over....there's like no hope. xoxo Hugs and kisses to the lovehurt xD. 3
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I think there are many types of relationships that enrich your life or fill up the empty spaces.......friendships are relationships ....familial relationships.....a really important one for me is with my father.....not a father i can see because unfortunately i had two of them here on this planet and both of them fell short of loving me.......now i just have one........the one up above and that relationship i definitely need to respect and nurture ....whatever happens in my relationships he will guide me to what is true and right for me.....i do believe that even when i behave like a bratty daughter.....he still loves me......my best ever relationship....smilin......he loves me always.... he whispered something to my heart about this topic with a smile in his voice i feel.....he said......we are never alone or did he plan for us to be alone...... we all have relationships and whatever happens its his plan not ours.......which is sort of cool because i tend to mess things up........so thanks to the father up above for giving me exactly what i am supposed to have that is true and right..rock on op dont take to heart any hate on here or become disheartened .....it is not your hate to own it belongs squarely and justly to the people who post it..........deb. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Relationships or just having a partner isn't for everyone. You have people tell you "to keep looking there's someone out there for you." In the end you have to accept that there are a lot of people out there that never find a partner, because there just isn't someone that would accept them. I'm not sure what others' definition is for "looking" or what yours is. But I will share what mine is. It's about taking a chance when the opportunity presents itself. I don't actively search for a woman, such as hitting up the night life, prowling the bars, clubs, or the streets of NYC, and chatting up any pretty woman. I haven't done online dating in years and I never will again. I've met women and struck up conversation at random places (school, work, grocery stores, public transportation, cinema, etc.) with most going no where beyond a simple conversation. All of them were just chance encounters, I saw an opening, and took it. A few actually lead to a date or three. Even now, I am corresponding with a wonderful woman that happened to remember my birthday, and I took the opportunity to extend her simple message, to us getting to know each other, and we are entertaining our curiosity for each other. They tell us to "be ourselves". Obviously being myself isn't good enough, i'm probably to of a nice guy/pushover. SO then people say "CHANGE"...make up your mind allready, do i stay myself or change?? I hate the change, i can't be something i ain't, if noone accepts me or finds it attractive because of how i act, that's life. Life is about change. It is about adapting to overcome obstacles. I used to be the pliant nice guy, a pushover, that you mention. I've gotten hurt, I wasn't appreciated. I changed by setting boundaries, learning what I want in a relationship, what is important to me, what I will not tolerate from a woman. I had to for my survival and making sure not to suffer again. I did not change at my core, but I did adjust, made some tweaks, some optimization. I am an affectionate, caring, attentive, and expressive man. I am not afraid to show my feelings to a woman, nor have trouble communicating. Because of this, I already know there are many women that are not compatible with me (believe me, many women don't find an affectionate and expressive man attractive). But I don't fret, I don't have a sullen mood, I accept it, and think positive. I think I am blessed that I am single and headache free, rather than be in a toxic relationship. I am single and available for that woman that will appreciate my qualities and embrace it. So the change you are talking about, is not a complete overhaul. It is a minor adjustment to your personality, a boost to your self-respect, and understanding your limits and capabilities. And that minor adjustment should start with you thinking no one accepts you. Because there is one important person that will accept you the way you are, and that is yourself.
Valen Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) They tell us to "be ourselves". Obviously being myself isn't good enough, i'm probably to of a nice guy/pushover. SO then people say "CHANGE"...make up your mind allready, do i stay myself or change?? I hate the change, i can't be something i ain't, if noone accepts me or finds it attractive because of how i act, that's life. You say you are a nice guy/pushover. Do you think that's really who you are? Some people are nice to others because they want to be accepted and liked. They are "nice" because of their insecurity over rejection. Some people are pushover because of fear. They are afraid if they stand up for themselves they would lose the fight and the person would leave them. Insecurity and fear governs your actions but that isn't who you are. Some people think being shy is who they are too. It's not. All these passiveness is what holding you back from expressing yourself. That's why so many guys drink on dates because alcohol helps them alleviate their fear and inhibition. They can be themselves around girls when they have a shot or two. So do you hear what I"m saying? The real you never showed up on the dates or around women. You have caged your personality the entire time because of insecurity and fear. When you don't give a **** about what others may think or what the outcome may be, that's when you are truly yourself. And when you have no fear, you will be able to act out your sexual impulses instead of repressing them (which you have done your whole life) and you will be able to speak your mind instead of fearing they will ridicule you for what you have to say. So don't think that girls don't like you for who you are, you never gave them a chance to meet the uninhibited FrostBlaze. Edited May 20, 2014 by Valen
hotpotato Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Romantic relationships really are not for everyone, particularly the long term variety. I've been guilty of being the pushover. It has gotten me nowhere, except for repeatedly dumped. I'm tired of putting in all the effort and getting nowhere. i'm just not going to care anymore. Funny thing is, I told a guy how much I didn't want him, and he's coming with I love yous. I think guys think I like them so much so they can dump me, overlook me, and still expect me to hang around. Im too available, and they take me for granted. I attempted to date a guy earlier this year. He says I'm a completely different person when I drink. I don't plan to drink on every single date or every single time I see a guy, so that's out of the question.
gaius Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Romantic relationships really are not for everyone, particularly the long term variety. I've been guilty of being the pushover. It has gotten me nowhere, except for repeatedly dumped. I'm tired of putting in all the effort and getting nowhere. i'm just not going to care anymore. Funny thing is, I told a guy how much I didn't want him, and he's coming with I love yous. I think guys think I like them so much so they can dump me, overlook me, and still expect me to hang around. Im too available, and they take me for granted. I attempted to date a guy earlier this year. He says I'm a completely different person when I drink. I don't plan to drink on every single date or every single time I see a guy, so that's out of the question. Who cares what he thinks if you're going to be hanging out with your ex soon? Yes, sometimes people have to change to get what they want Frost. Generally the change comes naturally if you really want something. Maybe you don't want it as much as you think you do. 1
hotpotato Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Who cares what he thinks if you're going to be hanging out with your ex soon? Yes, sometimes people have to change to get what they want Frost. Generally the change comes naturally if you really want something. Maybe you don't want it as much as you think you do. I don't care, and I told him. World of difference! Now that he's coming with I love yous, I just dont care anymore. 1
Author FrostBlaze Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 You say you are a nice guy/pushover. Do you think that's really who you are? Some people are nice to others because they want to be accepted and liked. They are "nice" because of their insecurity over rejection. Some people are pushover because of fear. They are afraid if they stand up for themselves they would lose the fight and the person would leave them. Insecurity and fear governs your actions but that isn't who you are. Some people think being shy is who they are too. It's not. All these passiveness is what holding you back from expressing yourself. That's why so many guys drink on dates because alcohol helps them alleviate their fear and inhibition. They can be themselves around girls when they have a shot or two. So do you hear what I"m saying? The real you never showed up on the dates or around women. You have caged your personality the entire time because of insecurity and fear. When you don't give a **** about what others may think or what the outcome may be, that's when you are truly yourself. And when you have no fear, you will be able to act out your sexual impulses instead of repressing them (which you have done your whole life) and you will be able to speak your mind instead of fearing they will ridicule you for what you have to say. So don't think that girls don't like you for who you are, you never gave them a chance to meet the uninhibited FrostBlaze. I can agree to that, i can somewhat get their attention when drunk or online when i am less inhibited. In person, they'd run after the first date . I agree to small tweaks, but i can't just change, i don't believe people generally change at the core. And i have tried to be more outgoing and general stuff that i know would appeal to women, it works. But i find it such a burden and i hate being like that, i just can't be a "fake" my whole life. I really like my peace and quiet...wich is a problem since we are a socializing species. If i feel like talking it's every few dayz to get my social bar back to high.(relate to the sims games xD haha). My general issue is as follows, yes i am fearfull but i am also nice not because i want ppl to accept me, it's how i am. I will help a random old lady carry her bags if i see her struggle on the street, push a guys car out of snow, etc. My friendly behavior ultimately leads me in the women department to....i end up being some BFF or some ****. I get downgraded from BF to Friend or just nothing, they lose the spark in me quickly , that's the result i have had with all women. All within 1-2 month's. Thing is i'm just not going to bother right now, i'm old and i wasted this, i want to get my career in check at least, i'm giving myself 1 year, if i fail at this too...god knows xD.
Frank2thepoint Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 My general issue is as follows, yes i am fearfull but i am also nice not because i want ppl to accept me, it's how i am. I will help a random old lady carry her bags if i see her struggle on the street, push a guys car out of snow, etc. My friendly behavior ultimately leads me in the women department to....i end up being some BFF or some ****. I get downgraded from BF to Friend or just nothing, they lose the spark in me quickly , that's the result i have had with all women. All within 1-2 month's. Okay so you are a nice guy, very friendly. Nothing wrong with this. What is it that gives you this drive? What compels you to be like this? Once you've answered this, why can't you find a way to compel other areas of your personality, such as the flirtatious side, so you can connect with women at an intimate/sexual level? Also, if you want to prevent yourself from getting downgraded in women's eyes, have some boundaries, be verbal, but respectful. You as a man have just an equal responsibility in becoming a woman's BFF, friend, or nothing, just as much as the woman designate you as such. If you don't want those titles, don't indulge these women with too much friendly conversation and listening to their drama, without at least flirting and expressing your desire for a romantic relationship.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I don't know if it's just being older or having lived through many ups and downs or that I am more self-aware than most that makes me see and therefore live life differently than most but I do. The idea of clinging to a jaded perspective is exhausting to me. Aren't you exhausted by it yourself? Listen, we've ALL been here at some point in our lives. That point where things just aren't going the way you planned or hoped for or prayed for. Where you do and give all that you have and you're continually shut down, rejected, used and abused and then abandoned. It happens to the best of us. You're not that special On one hand I'm glad to hear that you've accepted that you will end up alone but on another hand, I don't buy it. Perhaps the real issue here is that you don't like the word "change". You're correct that the likelihood of changing who we are at our core isn't possible. When I tell someone to "change", I'm speaking more about changing one's perspective. Change how they see things including themselves. Often times that alone can make for a dramatic shift. Asking someone to change their personality from the ground up or forcing them to an extrovert when they're an introvert isn't realistic not to mention unnecessary. I have to agree with gaius and echo that sometimes people have to change to get what they want. Who here really lives so authentically that they don't or have never changed ANYTHING about themselves and are blissfully happy? If I were a betting woman, I bet very few if any. Every successful relationship be it romantic or otherwise is filled with compromises and compromises are really just small changes two people make to keep the peace and find mutual contentment. When people on LS tell you to "be yourself", it's not just simple rhetoric. Who YOU are isn't necessarily flawed but your perspective on things and especially how you see yourself is. THAT is what needs to change. Hopefully that makes sense. It does in my head but putting thoughts to paper, or in this case on the screen, is much more difficult. Good luck. 1
potsticker Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 \ Every successful relationship be it romantic or otherwise is filled with compromises and compromises are really just small changes two people make to keep the peace and find mutual contentment. When people on LS tell you to "be yourself", it's not just simple rhetoric. Who YOU are isn't necessarily flawed but your perspective on things and especially how you see yourself is. THAT is what needs to change. Good luck. or as said before : If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit 1
Author FrostBlaze Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) I know i am not the only one in such a situation . But stuff hasn't been going the way i wanted for about 8 years now, so. It's not like a passing phase, whatever, different story. As for the women in my life, not only do i think i am not cut for this relationship business, i no longer want to bother. My past bad experiences including the latest one and what has happened after it...left a bad taste in my mouth. I have had women cheat on me, hit on me while trying to cheat on their own boyfriends with me but i stoped it +other stories. That lead me to believe that very FEW if any women or men are loyal , it;s the world we live in. That is something i can't accept, and istead of being betrayed down the line, and worse... not even knowing that my partner did it ! Since they never tell. I will stop now from ever being in such a situation. Yes, my insecurities are all over, but i think they are well based and i know myself to good as to what my reaction would be if i got betrayed again...so i'd rather not. EDIT: There's a 8 year gap betwen my last two women, i wanted to give up back then, this time i defo will, sadly. I don't take these emotions to well...i learn quickly to avoid. Edited May 23, 2014 by FrostBlaze
TalesoftheWireMonkey Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 FrostBlaze, Don't believe what they are saying about changing yourself. You are on the right track you will end up feeling like a Fake! What they are really saying is put out a fake front so it will appeal to the women who are also putting on a false front. This is what we do now create masks we hide behind to appeal to the the very shallow veneer of personality. After a little while the masks wear through and people see each other for who they really are. They get bitter, dissapointed, and they are miserable and end-up here. They touch up their mask and start the whole cycle over with another masked false lover. Some are manipulative, some naive and all are addicted to attention and the feelings of infatuation. Better to be true to yourself and be alone than play these games that pass for love and human caring. Be steadfast and don't let the bitterness touch your heart. There is support, read up on MGTOW.
Author FrostBlaze Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) It's not like i am not capable of change, but the changes have to be stuff that i want, i'd like to be more outgoing for instance. What relationships(women) ask of me, is to change in ways i don't want or are to big of a burden for me, i felt exhausted after 1 hour of being my "changed/fake" self. W/e there's lots to talk about but i would rather not. Rather be myself and see if i can get what i want than change into something i ain't to get what i want.(in general, not just RL) Bad analogy: Rather work hard and get that car i want instead of breaking the glass and stealing it xD. <-so wrong. don't or have never changed ANYTHING about themselves and are blissfully happy? If I were a betting woman, I bet very few Not like i haven't changed anything, but not much, i keep to being myself, i am so against trying to be like everyone else, i see enough clones on the street. Edited May 24, 2014 by FrostBlaze
hotpotato Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 There are some people who really are not meant to date, but something tells me you will probably date again. I think we are a lot alike. We both need several years in between SO's! Most people who want to date and get married do so. Are you sure you've been wanting a relationship? Maybe on some level you want to be single.
Author FrostBlaze Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) I haven't been Looking for a RL, doesn't mean i don't want one per say. Last RL i got into was because she pushed hard onto me and i fell for her eventually, but it was a NO from my side at the start... I do want a RL, but not that badly, i think i mostly want a companion to share my time with in those lonely nights i have ...i really like "my" time and being single...but that's because i don't know any better...i do have my urges and need for someone. It's like they say, you never miss something until you lose it....and you can never miss something if you never felt it either. After my last ex, the first i ever felt something more for, such as love, affection... i now want more of it, i sometimes get bitter when i see other happy couples. Before this girl, i never wanted any of it nor was i bitter, i had no ideea what i was missing on in the first place. Reason for wich i wasn't pursuing for a RL. You could say my desires have barely awoken, and i want that and more, but i am still in the experimenting phase, i don't know what i want for sure. IN the end i do want a partner and a familly, really, it's one of my goals to set up a familly. I am just not actively going to look for someone, if it happens, then good...but i might refuse again, who knows if the next one will push. xD Honestly, as much as i hate it, what i need right now is a FWB i think, i would prefer a GF but i don't think i can handle it. IN SHORT: As to not bore you, yes i do want a RL. I am just afraid, of her, of me. Insecurities. Edited May 24, 2014 by FrostBlaze
hotpotato Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 What are you afraid of? Failure? Success? Rejection?
Author FrostBlaze Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) In general, failure. My fear of failure is based on two things. Me not trusting women much (anymore) and myself. I blame myself for each of my breakup's, in particular my lack of experience and not having any game, wich ultimately leads to my failure. I sortof fear getting intimate with a woman because i believe i will **** something up, i have before ...and i believe it's my lack of "exp" that caused them to lose interest. As my last one said "i was not agressive enough". <--translation: manly I never show my insecurities IRL, i just go for it, here noone knows me and i just tell u what's in the back of my head. Yet it bothers me admiting to all this, i care what others think of me even strangers and this makes me look weak and etc. Edited May 24, 2014 by FrostBlaze
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