Manu25 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Hi guys, My story: I'm a guy in my late twenties and I'm bisexual. Up to last year, I've only had long-term relationships with women (2 of which lasted almost 1,5 years). Since I was in my late teens, I started noticing I could also be sexually attracted to guys. I've had (a lot of) sexual encounters with guys, but never with any feelings involved. 5 months ago, 1 month after I had split up with my former girlfriend, I met a great guy my age, handsome, nice, fun, intelligent, very sociable, really my type of person. He's openly and freely gay. But not even remotely vain or too interested in looks and not superficial like a lot of gay guys. Definitely my type of person. We started dating exclusively for 4 months. Sexually things clicked amazingly. We both fell in love. Big problem: I'm not out, not even to most of my close friends. We mostly met at his place, he wanted to introduce me to his loved ones while I didn't, he wanted to go out with me while I was always scared of meeting people I knew. He was very caring and understanding and he supported me and always told me I should take my own time and decide about coming out on my own tempo. In hindsight I realize he must have hoped real bad for me to decide to come out. I made the mistake of relaxing too much and taking him for granted. Two weeks before he broke up with me, I refused to go to a public place for a barbecue with his friends (I know a collegue would be there), and that's when things started to go south. He slowly grew distant and after 2 weeks he broke up with me. I totally understand where he's coming from. It just s*cks to be someone's little secret, me not being out made our relationship very unbalanced. I am disappointed in myself for not being more aware of his (hidden) feelings of hope and disappointment, but in the end, things had to end between us. So 1 month ago he broke up with me. During the break-up conversation, he told me he still loves me, and he thinks we'd stand a very good chance if I'd come out, but he's tired of me not being out. One month has passed now without any contact at all (not even texts), and I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I realized I don't want to come out because I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality. I've lived a very 'straight' life all my life, and coming out feels like risking my complete reputation. I also fear that, by coming out, I would irreparably hurt my chances with women, if things were to ever go wrong between me and him and I'd want to be with a woman again. I also still feel doubtful about my sexuality. I definitely still feel romantically and sexually attracted to women too. But also to him. At times I wake up and I miss him so much, I feel like being in love. I feel like I'd want to be in a long-term relationship with him and it'd be great. Other times, it just feels like a deep friendship and a deep form of male bonding and I don't feel sexually excited. We haven't had contact in 1 month. I think he feels I should make the first move now, as he's been making all the effort up to now and he clearly laid his cards on the table during our break-up conversation. I just miss him so much. I want to contact him but I know that I have to 'bring something to the table'. I first told myself I should find a solution and a definite answer to all my questions and doubts: 1) can I have a relationship and even build a family with a man one day? 2) can I definitively let go of my ideal of one day marrying a woman and having children together? 3) will I miss being with a woman too much to be with him? 4) can I remain sexually satisfied in a relationship with a man? 5) do I want to come out to friends, family and a wider circle of people? Those are all very tough questions. I know I'll need months, probably years to find answers, and maybe I'll never find answers to some of these questions... Should I be so hard on myself not to let him know anything before I have the answers? I know he won't sit around waiting forever for me... I miss him so much... Could I reach out to him and be honest about all my doubts and questions? I fear that will only drift him further away... I just want to be with him... Hmm. Opinions very much appreciated. Thanks for reading through!
Candy_Pants Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I think the biggest issue is your shame regarding your sexuality. Would you want to be someone's "dirty secret" and a source of shame to someone you cared about? I don't blame him for leaving. I would've. Being bisexual can hurt your chances with some women. Other women, such as myself, appreciate bisexual men. But being ashamed of your sexuality isn't attractive, regardless what that sexuality may entail (as long as it's safe, sane, and legal).
Author Manu25 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Hey Candy Pants, Thanks for your advice. I know, I know, you're totally right, he had all reasons to leave, I feel very bad about not being more respectful to him... although I never diliberately meant to do that, I always felt really bad about not wanting to go out to public places, about not wanting to introduce him to my friends... It must have felt so belittling and unrespectful to him... It's hard forgiving myself for doing that to him... I do recognize that I feel a lot of shame for my sexuality. And I know there's no reason to. I also feel scared. My first long-term girlfriend dumped me partially because of my bisexuality, and I had a very tough time dealing with that. Maybe that's part of the reason? I think I need to come to self-acceptance before I can get back to him... I'd like to inform a few of my closest friends about my sexuality, maybe that's a good starting point... Hmm hmm, you made me think :-) Thanks again. I hope things will work out.
Author Manu25 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 Some more feedback would be greatly appreciated. I really miss him and I feel he's slipping away and I don't want that... I really want to contact him but I don't want to blow it...
Cerulean Blue Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Hey Manus Hang in there. I am a gay man out of a relationship with a bisexual man (you could read my story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/473689-moving-but-keeping-door-open and I could give you some perspectives from the other side. Firstly, do not contact him until you know what you want - or it will confuse him even more (especially if you decide you can't for example, be more open about your bisexuality) and even hurt him more. You need to reflect on what you want. You don't necessarily need to decide whether you are comfortably have a life-long relationship with a man. Just just need to decide 1) what your feelings are with your ex-bf - is it a deep friendship or is it love? 2) whether you want to be with him 3) whether you can do what he needs you to do do be with him. 4) You don't have to decide whether you could be completely sexually satisfied with having sex with only one gender - there are so many possibilities in a relationship that will allow you to have it both ways, so to speak - it's all about open communication and negotiation! Just remember - what's the point of approaching him if you can't answer these questions? The last thing you want to do is instil resentment in him by adding more confusion to the situation! What you should do however, is speak to a close friend who might be able to provide you perspective, or even a counsellor. Impartial advice is needed! Even if you are attracted to women and only want to date women for the rest of your life, I still believe it is not healthy to be repressing part of your sexuality and keep it as a 'secret'. Would you want to date a woman who's only comfortable with part of you? It shouldn't matter to them which gender(s) you are attracted to, that you can be monogamous should more enough for them! As for your family or friends, it is for you to decide. Depending on how conservative your community is, this can be a difficult situation. Most loving friends and family shouldn't care, because you are still you. However, we all know that it might not be the case and you might suffer the consequence of coming out. Good luck and keep us posted! 2
Author Manu25 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) @Cerulean Blue: thank you so much man for your reply! You're right that I need to bring clarity to him... and that he is probably hurting too and has suffered a lot already... I'm just afraid that he thinks I am a jerk for not letting him know anything for 1 entire month and I'm scared he thinks that I don't want to be with him and I'm already over him after complete No Contact for 1 month... I actually wanted to let him know something the entire time but chose not too because rationally I knew it wouldn't be fair to keep contact while still making up my mind, but now it's killing me... I do agree that I need to be able to answer the questions you mentioned as much as possible. For him to know where he stands and A) give him closure or B) allow ourselves to re-explore things and begin to re-establish trust between each other. Can I allow myself to send him a text to ask how he's doing or maybe even propose to meet up for a drink if he'd like to? I have no intention to lie to him and have never had that intention. During our relationship I have always been completely honest from the start that I didn't know yet if I could leave my dream behind of one day marrying a woman, which must have been hard for him. I am (more than) willing to be honest to him about where I stand, and that right now, there are still no guarantees, but I'd like to at least show him that I'm trying to work things out to my best abilities. And I'd like to just hear him and talk to him. Would he consider that leading him on? I know that might instill hope in him and he might be the one putting himself in a vulnerable position again... Which could lead to resentment, I've thought about that... I don't want to hurt him anymore (and I've never wished to), but I just miss him a lot... It's tough to decide what the best thing is to do. Thank you very much! Your experience is very valuable! I'll keep you posted. Edited April 24, 2014 by Manu25
Cerulean Blue Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I sense that your wish to contact him is motivated by your missing him, and are having a hard time letting go - and might even involve som fear, of losing him or him moving on. This is natural and we all go through this. However, I maintain that I think it is a MISTAKE to reach out to him now. Clarifying your position will not bring closure or be constructive in anyway - it will only serve to hurt him more. Do you want to give him a blow-by-blow account of why you CAN'T or MIGHT NOT be able to be with him and reopen the wounds? Take the time apart now to clear your head and sort out what you want. Then, IF you have a 'game changer', you could contact him. Otherwise, I think you'll just reopen wounds and prolong the pain. Just my 2c. 2
Author Manu25 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) Hey Cerulean, Damn, you're definitely getting to the core of the issue with your words. I guess I miss our bond, our connection... I cannot say it was true love yet, but we definitely had a very special connection going on, and I really miss that... I felt very comfortable, loved, relaxed around him, and I think (and hope) he had the same feelings around me... On the other hand, I do admit that after one month, part of my feelings for him have slipped away now. I don't feel the aching need anymore to be with him now. But is that because I didn't truely love him or because after 4 months things were still too premature to have developed a true and lasting feeling of love? It feels a bit depressing letting this sort of slip away... It feels as if I'm just giving up and telling him to get over me because I did too. I find it frustrating. It's really hard. If I were to sort out my feelings (God knows when - in 2 months? 6? ...?) what would be the use of letting him know anything anymore? We'd probably both have moved on. Why just sit around and let this die out? On the other hand, I do understand where you're coming from. I do feel like we would have a much better chance re-establishing trust and love if I didn't contact him until I had something positive to say... And it is true that in this state of mind, I cannot have a relationship anyway. I need to sort myself out. Discover what I truely want. But sometimes, I fear I will never know. Is that possible that some people just never know and remain eternal doubters? Is it because of my bisexual ("eternally confused") nature? I sometimes don't know how to ask myself the questions necessary to make progress in the department 'knowing what you want' in different aspects in life. Or when I have the right questions, I don't know how to answer them. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn that much? Hmm, sorry for this negative rant. Part of me just feels a little bit like a j*rk. I never realized it throughout but in hindsight, I do feel about it that way. I feel guilt. Part of me thinks 'why? He knew your doubts honestly, you have always been honest, there's no guilt.' But still. I just hope I haven't hurt him. I really genuinely hope he's all well. I just want to hug and cuddle him and tell him everything's going to be all right. Hmm. Edited April 24, 2014 by Manu25
Cerulean Blue Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Hey Manu I completely understand what you mean when you said you just want to hug and cuddle and say everything is okay. But have you thought about what happens after that? I did the same thing with my current ex. As you know we never went through a NC period and in the first few weeks we slept together a few times. We didn't meet up to sleep together. In fact, we met up for social activities at uni and I only stayed because I couldn't drive home after drinking. We had mini D&Ms while cuddling. We felt connected again - and everything was on the table. We know exactly what is going on in each other's heads and I left his place on a high, and happy. Then loneliness. Emptiness. Disappointment. Depression that the situation hasn't changed. We were still broken up. I still didn't want the break up and he still wanted to date other people. See what's going on here? It's like a drug high. The higher you go, the harder you crash. That is why I put it to an end after a few weeks. And I agree, one cannot claim true love after four months - I daresay you might still have been in the honeymoon period and what you've had were more likely to be passion for each other. The good news is - there is less to deconstruct and I am a true believer that you could rebuild that one day. If you need a considerable period of time to sort yourself out, then more the reason why there is absolutely no point letting him know how you are now. My advice is to let both of you move on, and rebuild it from scratch. You'll be a different person then - why keep your old, uncertain self fresh in his mind? As with bisexuality - I will give you the advice I gave to by ex. (Although he's to blinded by his ambitions to listen ). Bar the threat of persecution or to personal safety, don't get hung up by 'deciding' the gender(s) you like. We as humans are so hung up on labels - gay, straight, bi...but in the end, your true wish is not to date a man or a woman, but to find somebody with whom you share love and want to spend the rest of your life. So, all you need to do is to find the person you love - regardless of gender. Hope that makes sense
Author Manu25 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Hey Cerulean Blue, What does D&M mean? I see your point... the hardest part is letting go of the meaningful connection you have. But it's true that new contact with doubts remaining and unclear intentions would only further damage that connection... Hmm hmm. There's just... so many things I would seem to need to get over. Could I be with a man? Yes. Could I be with a man with the intention of 'the real deal' as in 'until the end', with the intention of never dating a woman again? That's hard. I can't promise that. Do I need to promise that for me to be with him? Could I get comfortable with the idea of always having to feel weird in public with my partner? On holiday. At parties. At all sorts of professional/informal/... festivities and get-togethers. Probably sort of yes. After a loooong time. But it'll probably always be a tad weird. Does this question really matter? Probably not. In the grand scheme of things, the most important thing is that I could truely love my partner. The rest wouldn't matter. But I'm afraid for the period that comes after the honeymoon-period. When you're really trying to settle down as a couple. Could I handle the idea of wanting to be a parent of a kid in a same-sex marriage? A tough one. I'd love to be a parent and a same-sex-parent somewhere down the road. But I'd probably have a very hard time trying not to feel judged by other parents, teachers, people, ... Would it feel awkward in public settings, talking to other parents in school, inviting other kids for birthday parties to your house? Yes. I'd always fear rejection. But it could get okay after a while. Would I be able to feel confident as a parent and not let the idea get in the way that a same-sex bringing up could possibly badly influence my child? That's the toughest one... I would die of guilt inside if I knew my kid was bullied in school because other kids laughed at his or her two dads. Could I be committed to my partner without thinking I could have chosen a much more accepted, easier life? That's a maybe still. Would I still feel attracted to women? Yes. Would that be a problem? Hell, I don't know. It definitely could. You're right that it's about choosing a person to love, and not a gender. But sometimes that seems so tough. I'm not sure which of these questions I would need to be able to answer in order to be with him. I don't know if there's other questions I'd need to answer. The most important question: 'do you love him?' is a 'yes'. But is that enough for a stable enduring relationship? No. Hmm hmm. Some more thinking to do.
Grumpybutfun Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 As a father to a beautiful eighteen year old daughter who prefers no labels, I have to agree with Blue. Watching her deal with a break-up and the subsequent pain from dating and being very caring with a girl who is on the fence about her sexuality, it isn't fair to keep reaching out if you haven't came to a conclusion and accepted who you are. Look, this isn't easy and you definitely need to step back and figure out who you are as a person and what you can and cannot accept in your life, but do it alone and without being a source of pain for someone else regardless of how much validation you personally need from them. Time to be selfless and motivated by figuring out who you are. It has been my personal observation in life that people who care too much about what others think live tentative lives which are unauthentic and burdensome to them. My daughter has accepted that some guys and some girls won't want to date her because of her free view on love, and she doesn't compromise who she is regardless of their viewpoints. There have been tears and confusion on her part but only when other people are jerking her around because they aren't honest or confident enough in their own sexuality to treat her with respect. There is nothing shameful or wrong in being who you are, as there is nothing wrong in acting in accordance with what you can accept right now. There is no rush if it is a source of contention for you. Figuring out who we are is the logical approach of every person who isn't a follower or conformist in life. Good luck, Grumps
Author Manu25 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) Your words hit home. Nice of you to be supportive even if you've experienced the feelings and negative consequences from 'the other side'. Thanks. I do think and hope that I will find out who and what I am, and find the courage to embrace and love that. Is your daughter bisexual too? Edited April 25, 2014 by Manu25
Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think what it comes down to is.. do you want to be with him? I would start with that. From there, you can tackle the other issues one at a time. I have felt really close to some people in my life but knew I didn't see a future with them. It didn't alter the fact that I still missed them after the facts. If you see this relationship as just a phase in your life before you get married with a woman and move on to have kids, then let him go. By the way I am not saying that your sexuality is just a phase.. I hope I'm not being misunderstood there. I also believe that there are women out there that would understand your attraction to both genders. And by the way, although I am not sexually attracted to them, I still do check out other women (love looking at a nice butt hehe).
Cerulean Blue Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Hey Cerulean Blue, What does D&M mean? I see your point... the hardest part is letting go of the meaningful connection you have. But it's true that new contact with doubts remaining and unclear intentions would only further damage that connection... Hmm hmm. There's just... so many things I would seem to need to get over. Could I be with a man? Yes. Could I be with a man with the intention of 'the real deal' as in 'until the end', with the intention of never dating a woman again? That's hard. I can't promise that. Do I need to promise that for me to be with him? Could I get comfortable with the idea of always having to feel weird in public with my partner? On holiday. At parties. At all sorts of professional/informal/... festivities and get-togethers. Probably sort of yes. After a loooong time. But it'll probably always be a tad weird. Does this question really matter? Probably not. In the grand scheme of things, the most important thing is that I could truely love my partner. The rest wouldn't matter. But I'm afraid for the period that comes after the honeymoon-period. When you're really trying to settle down as a couple. Could I handle the idea of wanting to be a parent of a kid in a same-sex marriage? A tough one. I'd love to be a parent and a same-sex-parent somewhere down the road. But I'd probably have a very hard time trying not to feel judged by other parents, teachers, people, ... Would it feel awkward in public settings, talking to other parents in school, inviting other kids for birthday parties to your house? Yes. I'd always fear rejection. But it could get okay after a while. Would I be able to feel confident as a parent and not let the idea get in the way that a same-sex bringing up could possibly badly influence my child? That's the toughest one... I would die of guilt inside if I knew my kid was bullied in school because other kids laughed at his or her two dads. Could I be committed to my partner without thinking I could have chosen a much more accepted, easier life? That's a maybe still. Would I still feel attracted to women? Yes. Would that be a problem? Hell, I don't know. It definitely could. You're right that it's about choosing a person to love, and not a gender. But sometimes that seems so tough. I'm not sure which of these questions I would need to be able to answer in order to be with him. I don't know if there's other questions I'd need to answer. The most important question: 'do you love him?' is a 'yes'. But is that enough for a stable enduring relationship? No. Hmm hmm. Some more thinking to do. Hey Manu Sorry, D&M means Deep and Meaningful (discussion). Must be an Australian slang Those are very tough answers to answer and I daresay they will change as your experience changes. And I am sorry that noone apart from yourself could figure those out. I am not sure how you feel about your ex, or what your ex wanted from you - a lifetime relationship? Or just a long-term, but with a due-date type of relationship? I don't think anybody could promise to date someone for a lifetime. But if you intend to date your ex indefinitely, then you need to know the answers to those questions. I am sorry that I haven't really answered any questions with definite answers. Feel free however, to PM me if you wish to ask me about my experiences, and so on. Good luck!
Author Manu25 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) Hi guys, I still haven't contacted my ex after almost 6 weeks now. The good thing is: I feel detached, I feel free and less worried about us getting back together or not, I feel independent. I still miss him and I think of him, but it's far less intense and I think I'd be fine with not getting back together. The bad thing is though: the room for reflection has me struggling with myself, my future image, my sexuality. Big time. I still don't know who I am sexually and it feels like a major burden. I let myself get torn down by silly comments from people, even friends, that are meant as a joke, like (and this is truely silly, yes, even embarrassing to admit), this female friend that said a few days ago: 'I've never seen you act so tough and manly' when I was imitating this rap star. Which hurt. As she was basically saying 'You're such a sweet feminine acting guy'. I realize it's silly to let myself get dragged down by such a silly comment, coming from a female friend. But it hurts, it stings.I I've realized that it's not okay to have my self-worth be dependent on people who are not even very close to me. I should work on that, nurture myself. My opninion is the only one that counts to validate myself. I was telling myself that after the comment, and I felt slightly better, but still. Also, the fluidity in my sexuality is making me go crazy. I am actually starting to believe at times that I might be. 6 weeks ago, fresh from the break-up, I was honestly thinking of building a family life with my ex, I was thinking he was my true life partner and love. At this moment, I feel so weird for having been able to think that I can build a life with a man. Right now, it's become WAYYYY less strong and I am having a hard time even thinking that I could experience that feeling so intensly, the creepy thing is that I cannot recall it, I cannot ask my brain to relive the emotion. And it's only been weeks... Sometimes it even depends on the day or even the moment whether I feel more into guys than girls. I feel now that I'm more inclined to think about women again for long-term relationships and for future plans. I'm actually feeling depressed about this inclarity. I feel scared that things won't ever work out. I feel bad in my skin. I just don't know how to feel good about myself and what I want. That's a painful thing to admit. But I guess it's better to be honest. Maybe now I can have a new start and figure myself out. But sometimes I'm really afraid I will end up not finding any answers and becoming totally hopeless and desperate with myself... Hmm, dark thoughts. Very dark thoughts. I also feel so guilty towards my ex. How can I have loved him and then go so cold after a few weeks? How else can I switch so quickly to not being able to recall the feelings then? It's weird, because at the time it felt so right. I feel happy that I managed not to contact him. It wouldn't have been fair to him. This proves that I need a lot of self-work before I can nurture another person and be in a loving relationship with them. But sometimes, I fear I cannot nurture myself enough even... I feel lost... I guess I need to go back to what I was doing before, focus on myself, my friends, my job, and each day make 5 minutes time to think of what it is I want for myself in love and life. And be easy on myself. I'm only human. Hmmm. Tough day. I feel vulnerable. (god, the sensitive, sweet guy, meh) Edited April 29, 2014 by Manu25
Standard-Fare Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I'm going to be a little more blunt with you than the other posters. You're in your late 20s. Not your late teens. You're a grown adult. It's time to start accepting and acknowledging your sexuality. You aren't straight and you never will be. This side of you is NOT going away. I promise. But you're at the point where denying it is going to cause some real anguish. It made my heart hurt to read about you turning down an opportunity for real love because you aren't comfortable with you who you are. Love is so important, and the chance for it comes around only so often. It's so horrible to squander it. And not even for your own reasons -- but for what people on the outside might think. Stop wasting time. Tell your friends. The real ones won't give a flying sh*t. And my guess is that those who are close to you already know about your inclinations. If you break the big news to them, you'll probably get a lot of "Well, duh" responses. Your family -- a more complicated issue and we don't have the details, so let's not even go there right now. I agree that you shouldn't get bother trying to get back with this guy unless you have a better sense of who you are. Just encouraging you to take the plunge. It would be awesome if you could update him soon with some marks of progress. (P.S. I'm a bi woman who came out to friends in my early 20s after losing someone I loved due to the complications of secrecy.) 2
Cerulean Blue Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) I'm going to be a little more blunt with you than the other posters. You're in your late 20s. Not your late teens. You're a grown adult. It's time to start accepting and acknowledging your sexuality. You aren't straight and you never will be. This side of you is NOT going away. I promise. But you're at the point where denying it is going to cause some real anguish. It made my heart hurt to read about you turning down an opportunity for real love because you aren't comfortable with you who you are. Love is so important, and the chance for it comes around only so often. It's so horrible to squander it. And not even for your own reasons -- but for what people on the outside might think. Stop wasting time. Tell your friends. The real ones won't give a flying sh*t. And my guess is that those who are close to you already know about your inclinations. If you break the big news to them, you'll probably get a lot of "Well, duh" responses. Your family -- a more complicated issue and we don't have the details, so let's not even go there right now. I agree that you shouldn't get bother trying to get back with this guy unless you have a better sense of who you are. Just encouraging you to take the plunge. It would be awesome if you could update him soon with some marks of progress. (P.S. I'm a bi woman who came out to friends in my early 20s after losing someone I loved due to the complications of secrecy.) @Standard Fare I wish I had the courage of saying those words you said to my ex-boyfriend （who is bisexual)! I understand the mindset and I felt it would have been received very differently coming from me rather than from someone impartial:) In saying that though, @Manu I can empathise your struggles and your motivations are still about staying true to yourself. As you know, a different story may well apply to my ex. Edited April 30, 2014 by Cerulean Blue
Author Manu25 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 My ex and I are going to meet up next week! I missed him so much that I decided to contact him after almost 8 weeks of complete NC: I sent him a brief and polite letter telling him that I was thinking about him sometimes and asked him if he'd like to meet up for coffee. To my surprise, he agreed to meet! And he seems really enthusiastic, replying quickly, with smilies, exclamation marks, I can tell he wants to meet badly too. Brief summary of why things went wrong: he's gay and out, I'm bi and closeted, and in the end he grew tired of me not being out and proving a break on our relationship. Now here's the thing, I have to be honest: I don't think I have made enough progress yet for him to really consider getting back together. And right now I'm regretting it a bit that I contacted him. I'd really love to see him though... I've been contemplating my sexuality the past few weeks, but I still like both men and women and I am still having a really hard time telling about my sexual preferences to my friends. I'd really like to update him about my progress (that I'm getting more certain about being gay and wanting to come out), but the truth is I haven't come closer yet really to finding out my truth. I did tell a female friend of mine to talk things through, and we're going to meet up for coffee too. So that's step 1. I also talked to my brother (who is bisexual too) and a gay friend, so that's step 2. I planned to say that I'm bisexual to another good female friend of mine, but in 2 tries, I felt so heavy and I just couldn't make the words pass my lips, I was too embarrassed... I'm thinking of telling her, too, but it's really difficult... I want to be as honest as I can be with him and I want to be very considerate with his feelings and take things very slow from here. I'd love things for us to work out. But I know I need to do some more soul-searching. I'm just afraid that, if he hears I contacted him without having made much progress, he might start to resent me and lose every piece of faith he had in the possibility of rebuilding the relationship. Hmm. I need some tips here
Author Manu25 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Hi there, A quick summary for those who don't know my story: I'm a 20-something mostly closeted bisexual guy who dated an openly gay guy for 4 months until 2 months ago. He basically broke up with me because my closetedness proved to be a huge hinderance on our relationship. (more details in the thread 'Bi guy wanting to recontact with guy who broke up with me after 4 months of dating' in the section 'Breaks and breaking up') After almost 8 weeks of complete No Contact I sent him a brief letter asking if he'd like to meet for coffee. Two days later, he agreed to meet! I can tell he wants to meet me just as much as I'd like to meet him again: he's all smilies, enthusiasm, well-wishes and replies very quickly. So we are going to meet up next week! Now here's what I've been trying to do to make progress: talking with friends and family: I've talked to my brother, who's bi too. I've been discussing things with a very good gay friend. I've been trying to talk to 2 female friends. With one I'm going to meet up for coffee, she knows. The other one I was just too embarrassed to tell about my sexuality, I just couldn't bring myself to telling her. thinking about my sexuality reading about what it's like living a gay life and raising kids in a same-sex marriage I feel like, while I've definitely tried to make progress, I'm not much further to the place he'd like me to be in, namely confident about wanting to come out. I'm still unsure about what I want in my future (man or woman?) and I still feel a lot of embarrassment about my sexuality. In the weeks after the break-up, I could honestly imagine myself being an out and proud man in a relationship with another man and maybe even have kids one day, but that feeling has faded again. I realize I am too dependent on approval of my peers (I live in a rather conservative, classically straight community, although most of my friends would definitely take it well I think) and my reluctance to speak out and stand up for who I am and what I want is hindering me forming succesful intimate relationships and being more successful in life in general, although most would probably consider me pretty succesful. I fear that if he hears that I contacted him with only little progress made, he'll be disappointed and maybe lose further hope in possibly making this thing between us work out. I am planning to be 100 % honest to him though. I want to be very considerate of his feelings and take things very slow. I'm just afraid I might lose him forever if he's too disappointed. I'm afraid I won't be able to bring enough goods to the table. Maybe I did contact him too soon still... Hmm hmm.
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I am planning to be 100 % honest to him though. I want to be very considerate of his feelings and take things very slow. I'm just afraid I might lose him forever if he's too disappointed. I'm afraid I won't be able to bring enough goods to the table. Maybe I did contact him too soon still... Don't do this. Be confident about the meeting but don't talk about the previous relationship or how you have changed....show him. If he brings it up try to change the subject. If he keeps bringing it up, keep yourself together, be confident and listen to him. You probably did contact him too soon but backing out now will look worse.
Author Manu25 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) Ha, I would like to inform you about some progress I have made (a small step in the grand scheme of things but a big step for me): I told my roommate I am bisexual and informed him not to be surprised when I bring home a boy some day. God, I feel so happy! I feel so much better having him and his girlfriend know about this. Now there's still my other roommate I need to inform, but I feel really proud and happy. Even though this might still mean little in the eyes of my ex, it feels huge for me. I feel relieved and I feel relaxed and finally I feel again what it's like to be able to just be myself :-) Hehe. So at least one little milestone I can brag about to the ex when we meet this weekend ;-) Ha! Applause! Although, of course, this should only be the beginning of a muuuuuchhh longer process to follow... Edited May 14, 2014 by Manu25
Author Manu25 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 So basically it turned out as expected: he doesn't want to be with me anymore... We had a nice chit chat, but from the beginning I felt he was distant and we only had sort of a superficial connection. The whole time it felt like he felt it was sort of his 'duty' to be there. From the beginning, he gave off a vibe as if he didn't really want to be there. That hurt, but I immediately knew what he wanted. We went to a bar and sat outside in the sun for a while, which was nice. We talked about our families, our collegues, our friends, our jobs. After about an hour or so he told me he had to leave. Rather quickly. He might have thought that before. No relationship talk or emotions whatsoever had come up during the conversation up to that point. So we paid and had our little chit chat on the way to our bikes. I thanked him for coming out to have a drink with me. I suggested to walk along for a while, to which he agreed. I just wanted to bring up the subject because I would have hated to go home with this sort of 'vague' atmosphere, not really having talked about nothing. So I told him that I'd missed him. And that I'd really appreciated his big effort during our 4 months together. And I brought up that I had opened up about my sexuality to my roommate, and his girlfriend, and another friend of mine, and I had thought a lot and talked a lot to my brother and a good gay friend of mine. He silently and distantly listened, saying things like 'good for you'. At the end of the walk, before we were to go our separate ways, I got a little emotional. I told him (again, like I did during our break-up conversation) that I had missed him, and that I felt guilty for not realizing how big of an effort he had made during our relationship, and that I might have not respected him as much as he had deserved. I asked him how he felt. Finally he opened up. He told me he had had a very tough time after the break-up, and thought a lot about me, and that he didn't think he could do this again, but he would like to continue to see me as a friend and he'd love to go get a coffee with me once in a while to talk. I think that he has made up his mind: he pretty much just wants to meet a handsome nice and completely outed gay guy to build a relationship with, and he still likes me physically and emotionally but he knows he will be happier with a gay guy but just doesn't want to tell me. I don't blame him. I need to focus on myself now. I got emotional, but I see what the problem is. The problem is that I need to figure out who I want to be with, and I need to be out and comfortable with who I am and what I want, on so many levels. I want to take the best out of this break-up, and I wish him the best. I hope we can somehow remain friends. I won't be messaging him to get coffees for a little while though... might do that later on.
Author Manu25 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Hi guys, I've had a few threads up on this topic, but for those of you who missed it, here is the story in a nutshell: 20-something bisexual guy (me) meets never-been-in-a-relationship-gay-guy 2 months after breaking up with second long-term girlfriend. Up to then, I'd only had girlfriends, but each time, something went wrong. I've been experiencing sexual attraction towards guys since 7+ years, but I'd never experienced being in a relationship. At the start of our 4-month relationship, I was pretty much closeted. That put a huge burden on our relationship. We always met at his place because my roommates didn't know about my sexuality. In the beginning I felt extremely conscious about that and guilty, and I asked him frequently how he felt. He reassured me he was 100 % fine with my sexuality and with me not being out, and he always told me I needed to take my time because he'd been through a years-long and difficult coming-out process. That made me ease up a little (maybe a little too much?). He's very outgoing, and I know he wanted to introduce me to his friends and family badly, which happened only partially (I met his parents and some of his collegues, and then of course his roommates and some of his friends). When I refused to go to a barbecue with some of his friends (because 1 of them I knew professionally), he began to grow distant. Things spiraled down quickly after that. 2 weeks later, we were broken up. He told me his feelings for me hadn't changed, and he told me my sexuality was still not a problem for him, and if I'd work on coming out, he believed we'd stand a very good chance. I felt so guilty after we broke up. I realized I was the cause of things not working (me still discovering my sexuality, me not being out). It must have been a huge burden for him. He must've felt pain each time I went out with my friends or went to see my family and didn't invite him. Or maybe he just grew tired of me not changing? I missed him very much and I wanted to work on his demands: I told my roommate about my sexuality, I told my roommate's girlfriend, and I am about to tell two good female friends. I am really working towards coming out. I respected 8 weeks of strict NC. Then I sent him a letter asking to meet for coffee. He agreed and seemed enthusiastic, judging from his replies and texts. We met 2 days ago. He was distant. He had lost that sparkle in his eyes. It hurt. Deep down I knew from the first second that he didn't want to get back together. We had a friendly but superficial chit-chat for about an hour, after which he told me he was going to leave. No emotional or relationship talk had been brought up. I thought I couldn't leave it at that, and I wanted to show him I still cared. So while we were walking towards our bikes, I thanked him for coming to have a drink with me. I also told him I'd missed him, and I thanked him for the great 4 months I thought we had. I told him (again, same as during our break-up conversation) that I felt really sorry for the pressures he must've felt during our relationship due to me not being out. I also told him I had opened up about my bisexuality to my roommate and his girlfriend, and to another good friend. I told him I had read a lot about same-sex marriages, that I'd thought a lot about myself, about my sexuality. He listened nicely but very distantly, mumbling things as 'good for you'. He refered to our relationship as 'we saw each other regularly' instead of a real relationship. That hurt. He also told me that 'it was nice, but it's good as it was.' implying that for him, it definitely is over. I got a little emotional and asked him how he felt, as he was so closed. He did tell that he'd suffered a great deal. After telling him that I'd suffered too and had thought about him a lot, he told me the same. He told me he couldn't do this anymore. He said he'd like to meet for coffee once in while as friends. He seemed very certain about his decision. I now 99 % sure it's over for good. He doesn't want to get back together. I get the impression, judging by his reluctant reaction when I described my progress in my coming-out process, that there are other issues too. I am guessing the time apart has made him realize my bisexuality is probably more of an issue, or could become an issue later on, more than he had thought. 1 % of me is stubbornly holding on to hope that things will become good again between us. I feel so sad. What was such a loving although incomplete and imbalanced relationship, crumbled away in no time... It just slipped completely out of my hands... I guess he feels like he suffered a lot, putting in all of his efforts but getting little progress from me in return. I guess after the barbecue refusal he came to a point of oversaturation where nothing could change his mind anymore. He just made a click. I do understand him completely though. It must have been so frustrating trying to get to change me and be supportive all the time. I think he is determined to try things out with a gay guy who is out. Which is a logical thing, especially considering he's never been in a long-term relationship before. The only thing I hold against him, is that he communicated rarely or never about his dissatisfaction. That's definitely something he'd need to change with any future boyfriend he has. I guess I'll have to let him go... It's so hard... I know that if I don't contact him, he won't contact me anymore... I know that I shouldn't ask him out for coffee in a few weeks, but I know that, if I don't do it, he won't do it either, and we'll lose all contact... I feel so sad...
Cerulean Blue Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Hang in there Manu, It's hard to expect someone who has had (and might have) feelings for you to not be distant and cold at the first meeting after no contact for so many weeks. It's almost like acquainting again. It's best to take things as face value; even though there are many possibilities of why he called what you had by another label than a relationship. Noone can make a call as to what is in his mind (not even you) so it is best You know where I stand on break-ups. I like to keep the door open but it also prolongs the pain for so, so much longer. I am not sure if it is worth it for a 15-month relationship (mine), let a lone a 4-month one (yours). I constantly ask myself what i am trying to achieve by keeping that contact with my ex. So good on you for staying strong and not reaching out to him. It won't achieve much, not right now. A friend once remarked - the circle in which we hover in friendships are small (age, education, geographical), the circle of datable gays are even smaller. I wager that your paths will inevitably cross in the future. When the dust has settled, and you have let go, you have nothing to lose if you decide to try and date him again. By then, you will know more about what you want and I also wager you will have quite a few options on your hands. All the best!
Recommended Posts