My story

[RavenClaw]

This is my first post here, I been reading posts from all you wonderful people for over a year now. I am a WW. D Day was 1 year ago. Had been married for 9 years and have a 6-year-old son from the marriage.

 

The marriage did not fulfill my emotional needs. Husband is somewhat controlling, un-expressive and stays detached. We had some emotional intimacy but it faded away with the birth of the child and petty domestic fights. Sex has always been unfulfilling for me. He used to make an effort initially - but had given it up and it became very mechanical. It felt like a duty that I have to fulfill. My lack of involvement did not seem to bother him. Moreover, he has a busy career and hardly makes time for me. Do not get me wrong. He is not a bad person at all - quite the contrary. A great father and a good person and is in love with me even after the A. Only, my love/attraction for H is gone. We have been working on recovery. I have been making an effort to do things that are important to him and he has also been making an effort.

 

A was with a colleague who I respect. Future with him is not possible because (a) I do not love him and (b) I know it will not work; I have given it thought and our personalities are different. Why did I give it thought when I do not love him? I do not know - mind is a beast that one cannot control perhaps. I seek him out when in trouble and respect his advice. It started as a physical A and then turned into some sort of connection for me. He cannot hold a candle to H in terms of looks. His personality is however the opposite of H: he is expressive and empathetic. Sex with him was intimate and yet, unfulfilling. I felt connected and good although I was not physically satisfied. From his side, he says there was no connection physically or emotionally. I do not know why he was into it in the first place. It may be out of pity. The A ended on D-day. I work with him and occasionally talk to him. I am not able to be indifferent to him. I do not love him. I feel like being around him and spending time with him sometimes. I try and control the desire successfully.

 

I want to work on the marriage and bring back whatever little intimacy we had. I ask myself why I want to do that. A few reasons are (a) For my son's sake who I do not want to put thru a broken home (b) For the husband's sake who I cannot see suffer so much © I do not know if I am capable of being in love with anyone and so, might as well be in a companionship with the husband and try and find fulfillment elsewhere - a hobby or work. I do not know if over indulgence in one aspect in life can make up for or distract me from an emotional void. I do not need support or money and am not staying in the marriage for that.

 

I have always dreamt of a marriage where there is a deep emotional connection. After getting married, it seemed like my expectation was impractical and it does not happen in real life. The A showed me, it is possible and made me aware of what I do not have. I feel hollow and broken now.

 

Tried IC - it does not work. Therapist tells me, "You are too aware". We have been in MC. It is dragging along slowly and painfully.

 

Thoughts? Analysis? Advise?

Edited May 20, 2014 by RavenClaw

[Clay]

Get a different IC. Find one that will actually help you and work with you.

 

So if there was a DDay then your H must know. What is his stance? Does he really want to work it out. Honestly it does not sound like you are really all that remorseful. It really sounds like your H is a safe plan B.

 

I am not sure how long your marriage can last if that is how it really is.

 

Clay

[Chi townD]

Advice? yeah! Divorce your husband. He deserves to find a woman that is going to love him and support him. Sorry, but the way your write tells me that you are not sorry for stepping out on your marriage, you are not remorseful, and (most important) you don't love your husband. So, why stay?

 

Because, you don't want your son to come from a broken home? Lady, your home became broken the moment you broke your vows.

 

So, you're going to stay because if you can't be in love with anyone, you might as well have companionship? If you are incapable of getting loved, then you are equally incapable of giving love. Now, how is that fair to your husband?

 

You say you want to work on the marriage and try to recover WHAT LITTLE INTIMACY YOU CAN?!?!?! Your motivation and dedication is blowing me away!

 

Sorry to say this and I hope I'm wrong, but I feel that you're just going to cool your heels with your husband because there's safety and security there, but you be on the lookout for the next opportunity to cheat. Because you're not in this 100%. Everything you've done so far is half-assed.

[RavenClaw]

Thank you for your response.

 

He knows. He wants to work it out. So do I. I have not mentioned it but let me assure you, I'm very deeply remorseful. I have spent nights and days crying and making amends. I am still hurting. He is still hurting and it has been a difficult journey for us.

[RavenClaw]

Advice? yeah! Divorce your husband. He deserves to find a woman that is going to love him and support him. Sorry, but the way your write tells me that you are not sorry for stepping out on your marriage, you are not remorseful, and (most important) you don't love your husband. So, why stay?

 

Yes. He surely deserves a woman who loves him. That is his decision to make. I'm sorry if it came across as I'm not sorry - I deeply am.

 

Because, you don't want your son to come from a broken home? Lady, your home became broken the moment you broke your vows.

 

I do not believe so. Do not get me wrong. Stepping out is wrong - it is never ever right. I know that. But, if stepping out of a marriage automatically dissolves a marriage, so many people would not be expending so much effort, time, money, emotional involvement to rebuild their relationships. I care for my child and would hate to put him through pain.

 

So, you're going to stay because if you can't be in love with anyone, you might as well have companionship? If you are incapable of getting loved, then you are equally incapable of giving love. Now, how is that fair to your husband?

 

To me, love is a deep emotional connection. I see lots of marriages around me in which this does not exist. But, they are functional marriages - couples spend happy one on one time, go out for dinners, buy grocery and raise kids together. Yet, there is no deep connection - but it is also not an unhappy bad marriage. These people are happy. Now, I am not good with words. What I am calling companionship is absence of this deep connection. A lesser degree of love may be? It is true that, everyone deserves purest, truest, deepest form of love. But, it does not happen. It is not fair on them. You are right. It is not fair on my husband and me that we do not have it between us. I do not think this can be "given" or "taken". It is bi-directional - it is a bond that both feel and it holds both together.

 

You say you want to work on the marriage and try to recover WHAT LITTLE INTIMACY YOU CAN?!?!?! Your motivation and dedication is blowing me away!

 

I hope what I said above clarifies this. I have been misunderstood. I'm into this 100%. But, I am also 100% honest in saying, what is there and what is not there.

[lostfaith]

I think you should not give up your dreams. If you wanted a marriage with deep emotional connection, you should try to find this person with whom it is possible if it is not possible with your husband. I am sure this person exists with whom you can have deep emotional ties. I do not think it's wise to stay in a marriage out of pity or duty for your husband. He can probably sense your unhappiness. I am sure you are strong enough and love him enough to tell him that and to let him go.

[2sunny]

The M will only be as good as the effort and energy you put into it.

 

Amends? What have YOU done to set everything right?

[ebor]

Don't give up, If your husband doesn't want to give up.

 

It takes time to work on something so valuable.

 

And remember the best gift you can give your son is a loving family( including H-W).

[veritas lux mea]

Work on your sex life and get your husband working on that. You need fulfilling sex in a marriage. Look into a sex therpist.

[Darren Steez]

You can't work on your marriage and still work with the person you have this desire for and "can't be indifferent with"

 

It's like an obese person who wants to lose weight working in a candy shop with free sweets.

 

You want to have an emotional connection with your husband, any wonder IC doesn't work when everyday you come face to face with the person you want to have sex with?

 

Quit your job.

[2sunny]

What have you done to feel emotionally connected to your H now?

 

You said that was the initial issue right?

[harrybrown]

Have you gone completely NC with the OM?

 

It may bother your H to have you around the OM and to feel like a backup plan. It would bother me to have my wife have any contact with the OM.

 

Have your written a timeline of the affair for your H?

 

how did he find out? hopefully you confessed.

 

Did you use protection to try to avoid stds? Your H is in great pain over your decision to choose another man over him. it will take him years to get over the pain.

 

So sorry that he is having this pain.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[nightmare01]

Thank you for your response.

 

He knows. He wants to work it out. So do I. I have not mentioned it but let me assure you, I'm very deeply remorseful. I have spent nights and days crying and making amends. I am still hurting. He is still hurting and it has been a difficult journey for us.

 

Raven.

 

I am coming at this from the POV of a BH. To me, your writing sounds almost clinical or like you're writing about something like going to the store or meeting a friend for a chat. Because of that I really don't feel you get the significance of your A on your BH.

 

Do you really get the level of destruction you have brought into his life? Do you get that what you did quite possibly destroyed the foundations of everything he believes about his life and about himself as a man? Can you even feel a hint of the soul shattering pain he feels?

 

Maybe you do. But its not coming across.

 

If you want to save your marriage the very first thing you need to do is permanently remove your OM from your life. Change jobs if you have to. And stop ALL contact.

 

Next open all your lines of communication to your BH. Give him your email address. FB password. Twitter. Instagram. All the passwords. Let him look at your phone when ever he wants. AND never delete any texts from it.

 

We BS have a saying. "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing." So prove your are out of contact with OM by hiding nothing.

 

There are other things you should be doing. But right now I would like to ask you if your BH is your plan B? Is he the old reliable and safe guy that you can fall back on when your relationship with Mr. Exciting falls though?

 

If your BH is plan B then I believe you should seriously consider letting him go. Sooner or later another Mr. Exciting will come along and you will cheat again.

 

Raven, it's simply not right to keep inflicting pain on someone you say you care about. If you're not "all in" as far as repairing the damage of what you did, and if your actions do not spring from true remorse for what you did to your BH, then you're just going to cause more damage.

 

If that is the case the compassionate and ethical and moral thing to do would be to let your BH go. It will hurt him tremendously at first. But just like ripping a bandage off, the pain will pass and in time he will be fine. And in time he will find someone that actually does care for him and for whom he is her plan A.

[In Like Flynn]

Does your husband know the length of the affair, # of sex, where etc? Its important to know what one is forgiving and have a starting point of absolute knowledge/truth...before recovery. To include the reasons you just stated for starting an affair!!

 

The OM must be gone it just further humiliates your husband by having any contact with him.

[road]

Thank you for your response.

 

He knows. He wants to work it out. So do I. I have not mentioned it but let me assure you, I'm very deeply remorseful. I have spent nights and days crying and making amends. I am still hurting. He is still hurting and it has been a difficult journey for us.

 

 

 

You want to work it out then you need to fire you incompetent counselor. Go NC with the OM. That means hand in your resignation letter tomorrow. As long as you still have any contact with the OM you will never be able to recover your feelings with your BH.

 

 

To learn how to recover your marriage get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[not-so-sure]

Does your husband know the length of the affair, # of sex, where etc? Its important to know what one is forgiving and have a starting point of absolute knowledge/truth...before recovery. To include the reasons you just stated for starting an affair!!

 

Some need all the details. Others need none. My wife has not asked about a lot of the details at all. There's no real script, and my belief is that she should be able to choose how much information she wished to tolerate. That leaves me in a bit of a precarious situation tbh. But I'm not going to roll up to her, 6 months after I admitted to an affair with a blow by blow account of everything just to clear the decks.

 

The OM must be gone it just further humiliates your husband by having any contact with him.

 

This I totally agree with.

[thummper]

From what you've said, Raven, I'd have to agree with Turnpike. You may feel sorry for having betrayed your husband who, according to you, is obviously brokenhearted, but I don't see real love or commitment from you. He's some kind of fall-back position. What I think I'm seeing and hearing (and please correct me if I'm mistaken) is that you don't really "love" him and you didn't love the other guy, either. Just stay with your husband. He'll do for the time being, until the itch comes on you again. Then, you'll find a new relationship with another guy. Am I being too simplistic, or am I close. Please understand, I'm not trying to be cruel or sarcastic (well, maybe a little sarcastic) but I am trying to understand what you're looking for. I'm sure you feel bad for hurting him, but your confusion isn't going to go away. I really do wish you (and your poor husband) luck and peace. I hope you figure out where your head is at for both your sakes.

Edited May 21, 2014 by thummper

[BeholdtheMan]

He knows. He wants to work it out. So do I. I have not mentioned it but let me assure you, I'm very deeply remorseful. I have spent nights and days crying and making amends. I am still hurting. He is still hurting and it has been a difficult journey for us.

 

Regardless of how much remorse you're feeling, there are two big problems which lead me to doubt the likelihood of a successful reconciliation

 

1. You don't love him

2. You're not even attracted to him

 

Don't just stay with him for financial security. That's not called a marriage. That's called being a financial parasite.

 

Furthermore, a resentful, broken marriage can be worse for kids than an amicable divorce. Don't use children as an excuse to preserve an emotionally miserable marriage.

 

I think you want to keep the marriage for one reason: financial security. Let's be honest here.

[atreides]

This is my first post here, I been reading posts from all you wonderful people for over a year now. I am a WW. D Day was 1 year ago. Had been married for 9 years and have a 6-year-old son from the marriage.

 

The marriage did not fulfill my emotional needs. Husband is somewhat controlling, un-expressive and stays detached. We had some emotional intimacy but it faded away with the birth of the child and petty domestic fights. Sex has always been unfulfilling for me. He used to make an effort initially - but had given it up and it became very mechanical. It felt like a duty that I have to fulfill. My lack of involvement did not seem to bother him. Moreover, he has a busy career and hardly makes time for me. Do not get me wrong. He is not a bad person at all - quite the contrary. A great father and a good person and is in love with me even after the A. Only, my love/attraction for H is gone. We have been working on recovery. I have been making an effort to do things that are important to him and he has also been making an effort.

 

A was with a colleague who I respect. Future with him is not possible because (a) I do not love him and (b) I know it will not work; I have given it thought and our personalities are different. Why did I give it thought when I do not love him? I do not know - mind is a beast that one cannot control perhaps. I seek him out when in trouble and respect his advice. It started as a physical A and then turned into some sort of connection for me. He cannot hold a candle to H in terms of looks. His personality is however the opposite of H: he is expressive and empathetic. Sex with him was intimate and yet, unfulfilling. I felt connected and good although I was not physically satisfied. From his side, he says there was no connection physically or emotionally. I do not know why he was into it in the first place. It may be out of pity. The A ended on D-day. I work with him and occasionally talk to him. I am not able to be indifferent to him. I do not love him. I feel like being around him and spending time with him sometimes. I try and control the desire successfully.

 

I want to work on the marriage and bring back whatever little intimacy we had. I ask myself why I want to do that. A few reasons are (a) For my son's sake who I do not want to put thru a broken home (b) For the husband's sake who I cannot see suffer so much © I do not know if I am capable of being in love with anyone and so, might as well be in a companionship with the husband and try and find fulfillment elsewhere - a hobby or work. I do not know if over indulgence in one aspect in life can make up for or distract me from an emotional void. I do not need support or money and am not staying in the marriage for that.

 

I have always dreamt of a marriage where there is a deep emotional connection. After getting married, it seemed like my expectation was impractical and it does not happen in real life. The A showed me, it is possible and made me aware of what I do not have. I feel hollow and broken now.

 

Tried IC - it does not work. Therapist tells me, "You are too aware". We have been in MC. It is dragging along slowly and painfully.

 

Thoughts? Analysis? Advise?

 

I am just going to leave out the fact of the A as enough have already weighed in and you are a year out and have no "A Fog" from what i can see.

 

So, with what I highlighted above, I need to ask, do you even know what would fulfill your emotional needs? I cannot imagine a M and I have a 16 year marriage where my wife could honestly say she has been "emotionally fulfilled" day in and day out. It seems to me you have an "ideal" and not to say you cannot find better but I worry that even "better" won't make you feel fulfilled.

 

As for sexual fulfillment, again, you need to ask what would fulfill you? Have you tried, toys, places, positions, taboos and such with your H or xAP? You stated "mechanical" but then countered with you felt "like it was a duty" which i take as he wanted sex but you were not into to it and is that really a fault of his or an "ideal" you are seeking?

 

With your AP, you used the word respect a bit, but even with respect you were not "fulfilled" so let me say this.

 

The reasons you listed above are not reasons to stay in the marriage. Children do move on and "broken homes" more than not is a thing of the past when D is amicable. Staying for those reasons for the most part punishes your H, your son and you. I think honestly divorce is not such a bad idea, it frees you to be you and emotionally neutral. I also think your H would appreciate your honesty in saying, "look i tried but i just don't feel.." tell him, it is better for him as well as in who wants to be in an unrequited relationship?

When you said you cannot watch his pain, that is actually about YOU and not him.

So, perhaps then, a fresh start will help you in finding a "better fulfillment" but at the same time search within yourself to know what is "better" and "idealistic"

[BetrayedH]

This is my first post here, I been reading posts from all you wonderful people for over a year now. I am a WW. D Day was 1 year ago. Had been married for 9 years and have a 6-year-old son from the marriage.

 

The marriage did not fulfill my emotional needs. Husband is somewhat controlling, un-expressive and stays detached. We had some emotional intimacy but it faded away with the birth of the child and petty domestic fights. Sex has always been unfulfilling for me. He used to make an effort initially - but had given it up and it became very mechanical. It felt like a duty that I have to fulfill. My lack of involvement did not seem to bother him. Moreover, he has a busy career and hardly makes time for me. Do not get me wrong. He is not a bad person at all - quite the contrary. A great father and a good person and is in love with me even after the A. Only, my love/attraction for H is gone. We have been working on recovery. I have been making an effort to do things that are important to him and he has also been making an effort.

 

A was with a colleague who I respect. Future with him is not possible because (a) I do not love him and (b) I know it will not work; I have given it thought and our personalities are different. Why did I give it thought when I do not love him? I do not know - mind is a beast that one cannot control perhaps. I seek him out when in trouble and respect his advice. It started as a physical A and then turned into some sort of connection for me. He cannot hold a candle to H in terms of looks. His personality is however the opposite of H: he is expressive and empathetic. Sex with him was intimate and yet, unfulfilling. I felt connected and good although I was not physically satisfied. From his side, he says there was no connection physically or emotionally. I do not know why he was into it in the first place. It may be out of pity. The A ended on D-day. I work with him and occasionally talk to him. I am not able to be indifferent to him. I do not love him. I feel like being around him and spending time with him sometimes. I try and control the desire successfully.

 

I want to work on the marriage and bring back whatever little intimacy we had. I ask myself why I want to do that. A few reasons are (a) For my son's sake who I do not want to put thru a broken home (b) For the husband's sake who I cannot see suffer so much © I do not know if I am capable of being in love with anyone and so, might as well be in a companionship with the husband and try and find fulfillment elsewhere - a hobby or work. I do not know if over indulgence in one aspect in life can make up for or distract me from an emotional void. I do not need support or money and am not staying in the marriage for that.

 

I have always dreamt of a marriage where there is a deep emotional connection. After getting married, it seemed like my expectation was impractical and it does not happen in real life. The A showed me, it is possible and made me aware of what I do not have. I feel hollow and broken now.

 

Tried IC - it does not work. Therapist tells me, "You are too aware". We have been in MC. It is dragging along slowly and painfully.

 

Thoughts? Analysis? Advise?

 

I feel like my exwife could have written this post during our failed reconciliation. It makes it interesting to try to remain objective so I'll try a different angle.

 

If your H is anything like me...

 

He doesn't want you to fake an emotional connection. If anything, he wants honesty. An affair tends to shake your view of reality pretty suddenly. You don't know what to believe and don't trust your own judgment about it. If you can just give him the truth - all of it, no matter how brutal - then he can START to come to grips with it. He's got some big decisions to make and needs to get grounded. Don't skew anything for his benefit. Give him a chance to have a fully informed vote.

 

I wouldn't want you to stay just for your son and to spare me pain if you're resigned to an unhappy marriage. No thanks. If that's the case, I'd want to get the divorce on the move and focus on amiable coparenting. It would suck but I would know that I'd eventually recover. That's better than a life sentence.

 

But perhaps most of all, he thinks that an emotional connection can be reestablished, given time and effort by both spouses. He thinks your comment that you've never enjoyed sex to be unfair. You obviously had a connection at some point if you got married. He probably thinks you've rewritten your marital history, as is typical during many affairs. Even if he's wrong, he'll believe that you can reestablish a connection and that it's part of your vows to be trying. He probably also feels that he deserves a chance.

 

Most of all, he probably doesn't know what to think. You're about a lightyear ahead of him when it comes to understanding WTF is going on in his wife's head.

 

Of course, he might be nothing like me.

[BetrayedH]

Just finished reading the rest of the thread.

 

Tough crowd, huh?

 

I'm guessing that you've been timid about posting here since it's taken a year for you to post. Since you've been reading here for a year, you probably knew what you're up against here. I give you some props for finding the courage to enter the fray. If ain't easy being a WW here.

 

Forgive my presumption but here's a couple of tips:

 

Use this place as a tool. Your IC may be failing (I recommend you give each IC 3 appointments to make a connection with you) but this place will most certainly challenge your sense of self-awareness. I would bet LS will challenge you more than an IC, unless they specialize in Infidelity (and even then they might suck).

 

The operational phrase here is, take what works for you and leave the rest. You are safe and anonymous here. This really is just keystrokes on a monitor.

 

Be open to challenging your own current beliefs.

 

Realize that no one here is your BH and you are not their WW.

 

Keep reading and posting.