waiting4u Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) If you really liked a girl you were dating and she had sex with you on the 4th date, would you consider the "chase" over and lose interest? Would you become more invested in a relationship with her if she waited longer to have sex with you? Less interested if you had sex early? 4th date as in a month of daily contact (saturday night dates) Edited May 20, 2014 by waiting4u 1
BikerAccnt Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I can't speak for other guys, but for me, no I don't lose interest. Sex, if anything, makes me more attracted to and attached to the woman I'm seeing. I actually prefer sex that takes place after I've known someone for a month or two. 1
carhill Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 IMO, it depends on the man. A man who is successful with women and engages them concurrently can easily give the appearance of being patient and relaxed with regards to sex because he's having sex with other women during that time. He may or may not lose interest (romantic/emotional interest) after sex; his track record of LTR's and/or M's might lend insight there. A man who is more reticent about dating and sex and dates one woman at a time and is clear about it in his actions and words can also blow either way; again, his record of LTR's/M's can lend insight. He can be a serial monogamist or he can be LTR-focused. IMO, go with the flow. When you feel comfortable with and desirous of sex, have the sex/STD/BC 'talk' and assess then. Usually, responses will indicate one's perspectives are matching up. If they do, then go with that. Any interpersonal relationship is a risk. If, after sex, the man becomes distant, he does. If he becomes more intimate, he does. The outcome is unknown in advance and IMO one aspect of managing one's expectations is to choose to become less outcome dependent. Accept the risk and let life happen. Sometimes it works out; sometimes it doesn't. Good luck! 2
Frank2thepoint Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 If you really liked a girl you were dating and she had sex with you on the 4th date, would you consider the "chase" over and lose interest? Would you become more invested in a relationship with her if she waited longer to have sex with you? Less interested if you had sex early? 4th date as in a month of daily contact (saturday night dates) No, I personally would not lose interest in a woman if we had sex by the fourth date. I would of course be a bit suspicious if happened within the first two dates (within two weeks of dating), but I am still not a type of guy to lose interest if it even happened within the two weeks. The funny thing is, my last two ex-girlfriends wanted to have sex with me by the second date (two or three weeks of knowing each other with almost daily communication). So for me it's very nice they wanted to share themselves with me so early, but nevertheless, I did not lose interest.
TheGuard13 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Lose interest? Not if she's interesting and the sex is good.
Dallers Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Surely it depends on what you are looking for. I would know by the fourth date that I wanted to be with this girl and she already had me by the gut feeling as I do not go to a 4th date with someone I do not like. So at that point sex wouldn't really change anything for me, improve things yes, but not change the way I feel. If you are in it just for sex then yes for real.
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I would consider us to be in a relationship at that point. No I would not lose interest.
Keenly Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 No, we don't lose interest after a month. Any guy that would is not the kind you would want to date anyway. Also, stop over thinking !
Author waiting4u Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 @Keenly - I think the decision to have sex with someone requires some thought. 1
ChooseTruth Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 It depends. Are you talking on the phone in addition to date time? Have you discussed relationship goals, baggage, values, boundaries, etc? I'm still very interested in the girl I'm seeing and we had sex on the second date...but we had spent a cumulative 18 hours on the phone before that point, having intense conversations about all the stuff I listed above. We are both interested in building a healthy relationship...but yeah also kinda horny If we hadn't had all that discussion and felt so very much on the same page, it would have felt wrong and much more scary.
Author waiting4u Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 We've done a good bit of talking and are in contact every day. I've tried to feel around a little bit as far as his "goals" are concerned - he's told me about his past relationships. His last relationship lasted 8 months, ended last year, and he hasn't been with anyone since. I doubt he's a player, I just want to keep his interest long-term. What I do / don't like is that he's very emotionally expressive - always calling me beautiful and telling me how much he likes me. I'm much more reserved about that stuff. It feels somewhat disingenuous. I'd hate to find out he's easily changeable after the fact.
mammasita Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I don't think there's one cut and dry answer to this. It really depends on the man and where he's at in life. There's ALWAYS going to be that one case where the guy says one thing, you sleep together and bam, you never hear from him again. On the other hand there are genuine men who don't lose interest and mean what they say. Why did his last relationship end? 1
carhill Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Perhaps tips from a cynical old man but here ya go: 1. Anything not verifiable is subject to trust. Trust is earned over time and through repetitive interaction. Hence, his relationship disclosures are unverified and subject to interpretation, pending the building of trust. 2. Men do what works. Generally, women prefer to feel that a man is 'into them' and men develop methods of communicating that and hone it over time. The style can be connected to their authentic feelings but is not required to be connected. Again, over time, actions will support trust of words wrt 'compliments'. Ask the guy what he feels the most important lesson he learned about himself from his last relationship was and why he feels it's the most important lesson. Then listen. Lastly, take a look at this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/444498-guys-love-thrill-chase-but-then-lose-interest Perhaps further insight will result. 3
lovesick1 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I don't. I think it's a common misconception that we do. Almost always the way I interpret it is the girl I had sex with gets WAYYYY more attached whether she wants to or not and the way that makes her act is what pushes most guys away, IMO
Author waiting4u Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 I don't think there's one cut and dry answer to this. It really depends on the man and where he's at in life. There's ALWAYS going to be that one case where the guy says one thing, you sleep together and bam, you never hear from him again. On the other hand there are genuine men who don't lose interest and mean what they say. Why did his last relationship end? Well, that's a question that confuses me a bit. Some context - he's 41 and has a 9 year old child. I'm 39 and have two children - ages 12 and 16. He says his last relationship ended because she wanted to have children with him - like immediately after 8 months. I told him it was weird that he would then date someone with children, but he said that something to the effect of he thinks our daughters would get along etc. Maybe he just didn't want babies? It's a bit weird.
mammasita Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Well, that's a question that confuses me a bit. Some context - he's 41 and has a 9 year old child. I'm 39 and have two children - ages 12 and 16. He says his last relationship ended because she wanted to have children with him - like immediately after 8 months. I told him it was weird that he would then date someone with children, but he said that something to the effect of he thinks our daughters would get along etc. Maybe he just didn't want babies? It's a bit weird. That makes sense if his ex didn't have any children and her clock was ticking. I have a 13 year old and am open to dating men with kids, in fact prefer it (my BF has a 5 year old) but don't want any more of my own. In any case - I agree with Carhill, it boils down to trust. I waited to have sex with my current - he told me he wasn't going anywhere and even then I caught my self thinking "we'll see"....cynical yes - but I'm glad I was proven wrong.
Author waiting4u Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 That makes sense if his ex didn't have any children and her clock was ticking. I have a 13 year old and am open to dating men with kids, in fact prefer it (my BF has a 5 year old) but don't want any more of my own. In any case - I agree with Carhill, it boils down to trust. I waited to have sex with my current - he told me he wasn't going anywhere and even then I caught my self thinking "we'll see"....cynical yes - but I'm glad I was proven wrong. Yeah, it was definitely a ticking clock thing. How long did you wait with your current guy? I totally have that "we'll see" thing going on.
mammasita Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Yeah, it was definitely a ticking clock thing. How long did you wait with your current guy? I totally have that "we'll see" thing going on. Hopefully I'm not telling lies LOL, but I think it was about 6 weeks? We had met online....At that point, we were definitely exclusive and dating profiles deleted. 1
carhill Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Tying right in with the sex part, since he apparently disclosed he went as far as to end a relationship because a woman wanted to have children with him, has he had a vasectomy? Why or why not? Now, with further information about marital and family history, and knowing you both are mature parents, this stuff can be out on the table right away, in matter of fact terms. See how things match up. In that arena, how does he feel about introducing his dating partners to his child? Does his perspective and yours match up? IME, a man who won't lose interest after sex balances 'relationship' stuff with 'woo'. Yes, there's romance but there's also the process of building non-sexual intimacy and rapport and, along those lines of communication, he's also not reticent about discussing counterpoints, meaning topics where there is or may be disagreement, as we're all individuals and do disagree, even under the most compatible of circumstances. The sex-only guy will be more likely to pave the road to sex with believable words and handle any potentially contentious topics with humor and distraction and never with a clear and consistent answer.
soccerrprp Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 If you really liked a girl you were dating and she had sex with you on the 4th date, would you consider the "chase" over and lose interest? Would you become more invested in a relationship with her if she waited longer to have sex with you? Less interested if you had sex early? 4th date as in a month of daily contact (saturday night dates) Motivation is everything. I have had sex on the first date and sex months later. When I had sex had NO bearing on whether i wanted to have a LTR or not, b/c I went in wanting just that, a LTR. For me, I am more interested after sex. That has a lot to do with the fact that I have a very high libido. My wanting to be with a girl or not has A LOT to do with the sex than personality, history, other attributes.
Priv Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) I don't, and frankly I don't know anyone who does lose interest after sex unless it is on the first date or so. I get a lot more attached after and allow myself to fall for her all the way. I do start to lose interest after not having sex 1.5/2 months in. Thinking, and usually rightly so, she is not that into me and/or that our 'thing' is contrived and not progressing naturally. On average , my ideal timetable is somewhere around the 3 week mark, and it mostly happens by that time. Edited May 20, 2014 by Priv
Author waiting4u Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Tying right in with the sex part, since he apparently disclosed he went as far as to end a relationship because a woman wanted to have children with him, has he had a vasectomy? Why or why not? Now, with further information about marital and family history, and knowing you both are mature parents, this stuff can be out on the table right away, in matter of fact terms. See how things match up. In that arena, how does he feel about introducing his dating partners to his child? Does his perspective and yours match up? IME, a man who won't lose interest after sex balances 'relationship' stuff with 'woo'. Yes, there's romance but there's also the process of building non-sexual intimacy and rapport and, along those lines of communication, he's also not reticent about discussing counterpoints, meaning topics where there is or may be disagreement, as we're all individuals and do disagree, even under the most compatible of circumstances. The sex-only guy will be more likely to pave the road to sex with believable words and handle any potentially contentious topics with humor and distraction and never with a clear and consistent answer. I have my tubes tied. And he knows it. We've talked about the child thing and are in agreement that children shouldn't meet potential partners unless it's serious. Lol, I guess I do know some of his "goals."
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Hopefully I'm not telling lies LOL, but I think it was about 6 weeks? We had met online....At that point, we were definitely exclusive and dating profiles deleted. THIS is the key! If you're thinking long term and want a relationship with this guy, DON'T sleep with him UNTIL you know you're both exclusive and that he's not trolling other dating sites. Have the talk. If you think it's too soon to have the talk then it's too soon to be sleeping with him. Otherwise, if all you're looking for is a nice romp in the sack with him, stop over thinking things and enjoy the ride while it lasts Good luck!
Andy_K Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 As a guy, particularly one who isn't sleeping around, it can be pretty damn hard to know how into a girl you really are until after sex. Testosterone is a mind altering drug! It will convince you that you like someone more than you really do. Then once you've had sex, your mind becomes much clearer. Sometime you just won't know how serious a guy is about you until after sex, because sometimes he doesn't know either 2
ChooseTruth Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Hopefully I'm not telling lies LOL, but I think it was about 6 weeks? We had met online....At that point, we were definitely exclusive and dating profiles deleted. I didn't say this in my 1st post, but it applies to me as well. Dating profiles deleted and exclusive after only one date. We had already talked so much we just needed to make sure the in person thing was happening.
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