My wayward husband confessed.

[Fluttershy]

I don't want to threadjack so I thought I would start a new one. My husband confessed his affair to me and I believe that is the main reason we are together and with a wonderfully close relationship. We actually have to make ourselves do seperate things because we prefer hanging out together. He will hesitate at the door before going out with a friend or apmost be late because we are curled up on the couch together. It isn't needy and desperate on my part anymore or on his part but just because we honestl prefer each others company above the other. I can't imagine us, him, being this close to be while knowing that there was knife in my back he never told me he put there. How could you have true intimacy with that great of a secret? I am glad my H didn't buy the whole it is selfish to confess and deal with your issues on your own. Because my husband did. He ended his affair and got into IC and became 100% honest with me. He let me choose for my own life what I wanted. He didn't stay in deception mode. And because of that for him he didn't have to worry about the A coming out years late as can happen we all know.

 

I think people who don't want to know are really saying they want a "do and don't tell". And I think they should tell that to their partner. Tell them. "I don't like cheating and if I ever catch you I will be done with you". But if you do don't tell.

 

If only people were that honest with themselves and others.

 

The main reason I don't like when BSs encourage not confessing is because it reinforces the idea that "what they don't know can't hirt them" mindset. The single most destructive mindset of the cheater.

Me. I don't need 100% honesty deal with your own sht and leave me out of it."

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I had to re-read your post a few times to confirm your position. A few missing quotes made it unclear at the end.

 

I'm for confession also. Not only does the secret limit intimacy as a couple, it creates a huge imbalance of power within the marriage. One spouse has the luxury of living in the truth, while the other is living a lie.

 

Marriage should be based on fidelity, honesty, mutual respect, and trust. When in reality it was not based on any of these core traits as long as one spouse is perpetuating a lie (knowledge of past affair).

[Hope Shimmers]

I believe it is an individual thing based on the marriage. No one knows the marriage better than the people in it; that's why I think it is up to the WS to tell or not. In my case, his W did NOT want to know. As soon as she was told the basic details, she immediately asked why she had to know, and said she didn't want to know any more.

 

Some people are just happier denying it, and that's their prerogative. It's their marriage.

[Owl]

I believe it is an individual thing based on the marriage. No one knows the marriage better than the people in it; that's why I think it is up to the WS to tell or not. In my case, his W did NOT want to know. As soon as she was told the basic details, she immediately asked why she had to know, and said she didn't want to know any more.

 

Some people are just happier denying it, and that's their prerogative. It's their marriage.

 

Well...not entirely accurate. It's THEIR marriage...as in, the marriage belongs to BOTH partners.

 

Making unilateral decisions isn't their perogative.

 

And the vast majority of the time, the choice not to tell isn't made for the BS's benefit, no matter how much someone plays mental jujitsu to try to convince themselves otherwise. It's for the benefit of the WS. It allows them to avoid responsibility and accountability for their action. It allows them to avoid the true hard work of facing and fixing the problems they created by having an affair.

 

Sure...there are some BS's who'd prefer to live a life with their head in the sand, their hands over their ears going "lalalala" when they hear something they don't like. But IME, that tends to be a vast minority of people.

 

Most would rather know, and deal with the issue. Not be forced to live a lie, and remain in a relationship that they might not otherwise choose to continue.

 

Most would rather be given the choice, rather than be kept in the dark.

 

But the bottom line is that by not telling...the WS is making a unilateral decision that affects both partners...and its just a continuance of that same self-serving behavior that led them down the affair path to begin with.

[Fluttershy]

I believe it is an individual thing based on the marriage. No one knows the marriage better than the people in it; that's why I think it is up to the WS to tell or not. In my case, his W did NOT want to know. As soon as she was told the basic details, she immediately asked why she had to know, and said she didn't want to know any more.

 

Some people are just happier denying it, and that's their prerogative. It's their marriage.

 

I disagree on the no one knows the marriage better than those involved. If that was true there wouldn't be places like loveshack or mc. I think that if a person has an affair and they over hear or heard their spouse say I would never want to know that is the only time the WS can know for a fact their BS would rather remain in the dark. And unless the other persin involved in the triangle is dead there is no guarantee the A will be hidden forever.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well...not entirely accurate. It's THEIR marriage...as in, the marriage belongs to BOTH partners.

 

Making unilateral decisions isn't their perogative.

 

And the vast majority of the time, the choice not to tell isn't made for the BS's benefit, no matter how much someone plays mental jujitsu to try to convince themselves otherwise. It's for the benefit of the WS. It allows them to avoid responsibility and accountability for their action. It allows them to avoid the true hard work of facing and fixing the problems they created by having an affair.

 

Sure...there are some BS's who'd prefer to live a life with their head in the sand, their hands over their ears going "lalalala" when they hear something they don't like. But IME, that tends to be a vast minority of people.

 

Most would rather know, and deal with the issue. Not be forced to live a lie, and remain in a relationship that they might not otherwise choose to continue.

 

Most would rather be given the choice, rather than be kept in the dark.

 

But the bottom line is that by not telling...the WS is making a unilateral decision that affects both partners...and its just a continuance of that same self-serving behavior that led them down the affair path to begin with.

 

I think that I did say "their marriage". What I meant by that is that the WS probably has the best idea of whether his/her spouse wants to know, or not.

 

I don't disagree with you, but I think that as long as there are some BS's who don't want to know, then it needs to be left to the WS who will hopefully do it or not do it for the right reasons. There really is no ideal solution.

 

I just think some WS tell because of guilt (the situation with mine during the second D-day) and he ended up hurting her more just to relieve his own guilt, when he had already made the decision to dedicate himself to his M.

[Sub]

I question whether there is such a thing as relieving one's own guilt. It assumes that the act of disclosing alone would warrant, or result in, some sort of forgiveness or relief. That's why I don't really buy the reasoning that it would be selfish to disclose. The nobility of it is rather convenient for the offending party. The most unselfish thing is allowing the BS the opportunity to decide what THEY want based on the truth.

[veritas lux mea]

I confessed because he is my best friend. And you don't keep secrets from your lover and best friend.

[KaliLove]

I really doubt that most couples discuss what to do if one of them cheats before it actually happens. It's not like anyone expects to be cheated on. Unless both spouses actually say that they'd rather not know if the other one cheats, then it's really not fair to assume that what they don't know won't hurt them. You can know someone better than anyone else does, but you can't know them better than they know themselves. It's unfair that the cheating spouse gets to decide for the betrayed spouse.

[carhill]

It's unfair that the cheating spouse gets to decide for the betrayed spouse.

 

Our psychologist, who advocated for transparency beyond simple disclosure, which I had already done prior to MC, agreed with this premise of fairness and advocated aggressively for it. My exW had never made any preference known regarding disclosure in such instances; however, my default in the past had been dealing with issues directly so this one (my EA) was no different. Painful? Absolutely! For both of us. However, it gave her all the information she needed to make informed decisions. Other spouses I've known who've followed this path have reconciled. We divorced. I still think the path is valid and productive, regardless of the result.

 

Another spouse may feel completely differently and prefer to not know/be disclosed. That's their choice for their marriage. I'd still default to communicate unless my spouse specifically directed me not to, if ever faced with this issue again. I could envision one scenario, given my age, with a spouse telling me to 'take care of myself' if she was to fall ill and be unable to be intimate in any constructive way, and keep it quiet. I'd respect those wishes. Otherwise, we'd communicate.

 

OP, best wishes on your reconciliation. I've seen some positive similar stories over the decades in my own circle of friends and find them heartening. Good luck!

[KaliLove]

Our psychologist, who advocated for transparency beyond simple disclosure, which I had already done prior to MC, agreed with this premise of fairness and advocated aggressively for it. My exW had never made any preference known regarding disclosure in such instances; however, my default in the past had been dealing with issues directly so this one (my EA) was no different. Painful? Absolutely! For both of us. However, it gave her all the information she needed to make informed decisions. Other spouses I've known who've followed this path have reconciled. We divorced. I still think the path is valid and productive, regardless of the result.

 

Another spouse may feel completely differently and prefer to not know/be disclosed. That's their choice for their marriage. I'd still default to communicate unless my spouse specifically directed me not to, if ever faced with this issue again. I could envision one scenario, given my age, with a spouse telling me to 'take care of myself' if she was to fall ill and be unable to be intimate in any constructive way, and keep it quiet. I'd respect those wishes. Otherwise, we'd communicate.

 

OP, best wishes on your reconciliation. I've seen some positive similar stories over the decades in my own circle of friends and find them heartening. Good luck!

 

I can't tell if you're agreeing or disagreeing with me...

 

But I will say this. As you said, it's their choice..as in both of them. But how can a couple decide together whether or not to disclose a secret that one of them is keeping unless the secret is already disclosed?

 

I can understand if, once the affair is outed, the BS doesn't want the full details of the affair (I sure didn't..yuck! Sadly I wasn't given a say in the matter)..but they should at least know about it so they can decide for themselves how much information they want.

[carhill]

The psychologist agreed/asserted that it was unfair to withhold information from, or deceive, one's spouse as to the nature, extent and/or impetuses for the infidelity. Hope that clears it up!

[WasOtherWoman]

My husband confessed his affair to me and I believe that is the main reason we are together and with a wonderfully close relationship.

 

The fact that my then-husband did not confess and I had to find out on my own was the main reason I divorced him. In my humble opinion, it is a completely different ball game when someone confesses vs being found out.

 

I still believe the latter situations can be successfully reconciled (as we've seen many times on here) but personally, it would have made a difference to me had he confessed, because then I never would have wondered if he really wanted me, or if he was just found out and back up against a wall.

[katielee]

I wanted to be told what was going on in my life. i thought I was going crazy. I asked him several times. Finally I caught him. Twice. And once was on top of OW2. And he's pissed I don't fully trust him 2 years out. Like it's just a choice I should make. I don't think so.....

 

that said, with time, trust has grown exponentially. It's a bigger deal for him that I don't fully trust him than it is for me... he REALLY wants this.

Edited May 24, 2014 by katielee