Maddy416 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) I'll try not to make this long and truly appreciate and advice. I broke up with my ex bf 3 weeks ago. He never had any sexual desire for me and I felt so unattractive and ugly and just plain unwanted. He was a great boyfriend besides that but I just felt through lack of passion we were more like friends who loved each other. The break up was bad I know it hurt him. He said he knows he has a problem with that and he doesn't know why it was happening. He thinks it's due to an abortion one of his exes had 9 yrs ago. He said it made him look at sex differently. He wanted to be back with me for those two weeks and when he said he wanted to get therapy I wanted to reconcile and work out our problems bc I saw he was finally serious about getting help. Anyways literally over night he now says he can't be with me. He says he doesn't want to move on but doesn't know how and if we will be together. He said he can't handle anything and he's losing his mind and fighting for his life? He says he needs to fix himself before he can be with me but still doesn't know if he fully can be with me. Anytime I say ok take the time you need I can't force u to be with me I'm going to just focus on my own self and fix some of the things about me I know added up to this breakup as well he freaks out saying I'm making it so final. I thought I was giving him what he wanted. This was last week. He Wants to meet up tn to talk about why he is doing this. Should I go? Do you still think there is a chance? I know he has this issue but I don't think he ever really understood how badly constantly being rejected by him made me feel. He thinks I broke up with him as a game bc I turned around when he said he'll go to therapy and wanted him back. It's hard for me not to feel like he's punishing me in some way for imitating the break up. I'm 30 and he's 33. I just don't know why he keeps saying things like he can't handle this, he's freaking out and can't drive, he's been sleeping on his moms couch sobbingn and he's fighting for his life? I just don't know if I should go tn. Please help Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I don't think you should meet him. If you made the decision to end it because you weren't satisfied with the relationship, then stick to it. If he mentioned that he was aware of the issues that have been holding him back and agreed to therapy only to then decide against it and that he doesn't know what he wants, you need to leave him be and allow him to work the process on his own. Going back or trying again doesn't change the fact that issues that derailed the relationship from being what you hoped for it to be still exists. You being an enabler only keeps him being indecisive. You do not need to meet up to talk about why he's doing what. You made the decision to end it. Tell him you would like to go NC at least for awhile and he should do the same so that you both can use that time to find come emotional and mental clarity. You can't make any wise decisions when you both are in the thick of it. 1
jbelle6 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I was with someone like this for YEARS, turned out he doesn't like girls in the end. Not saying that is what is going on here but what I can say is that it took me years longer to get any self esteem back from all of the rejection. Don't do it, sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for me now.
Author Maddy416 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Thank you so much and for your advice! I'm just upset because I feel this issue caused so many problems for us and now after the breakup he's finally getting help and working through it. It just hurts that now he doesn't want to be with me. He claims I was "the one" yet now he won't take me back and now he's working on the issue not wanting to be with me. I just don't understand it.
soccerrprp Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Thank you so much and for your advice! I'm just upset because I feel this issue caused so many problems for us and now after the breakup he's finally getting help and working through it. It just hurts that now he doesn't want to be with me. He claims I was "the one" yet now he won't take me back and now he's working on the issue not wanting to be with me. I just don't understand it. Do not go! This guy is trying to make YOU feel guilty and it's working. He is manipulating you! He is working through it? How do you know for certain? No, no, this guy is not healthy for any kind of relationship and most certainly not with you. Don't settle for broken people.
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Thank you so much and for your advice! I'm just upset because I feel this issue caused so many problems for us and now after the breakup he's finally getting help and working through it. It just hurts that now he doesn't want to be with me. He claims I was "the one" yet now he won't take me back and now he's working on the issue not wanting to be with me. I just don't understand it. Personally, I don't think this guy is looking very much into working out his issues. All this drama and confusion that he's causing is to create a diversion so that he can slink away looking like the good guy. Oh poor me, I can't drive, I can't eat, I can't poop, I want you, I don't want you -- why did you do this to me! I also have to wonder if him not being sexually attracted to you was due to him not being invested in the relationship. You may have given him an out when you ended it but as soon as you wanted to try again, he then decided he doesn't want it. 1
BlueIris Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 No, I wouldn’t meet with him. He’s being too extreme and high drama- saying he’s “fighting for his life,” sobbing, on his mom’s couch, acknowledging the problem on one hand and then saying you’re playing games with him on the other hand. His emotional state isn’t stable enough for any conversation to be productive right now and I sure wouldn’t walk into a situation in which an overwrought person just wants to vent and accuse and argue with me. Judging from his extremism, I predict that he’s going to be blaming and vilifying you pretty soon. You don’t know that he’s getting help and working through it. He only SAID that he was going to do that. It sounds as though he’s backtracking to avoid addressing his problem and blaming you instead. 1
Author Maddy416 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Thank you again for all your advice. It's helping a lot. He claims he always felt more invested and that he wanted to marry me and everything else. I just didn't feel comfortable just brushing such a serious issue under the rug. Throughout the relationship he said over and over he was going to seek help and never did. I guess I was at my breaking point. Every time I would try to bring up any issue or how I felt about anything it quickly turned into like a competition of who is in more pain or what not. Like it always switched to him and I always was the one to end up comforting him. I'm not saying I was an angel I did say some mean things in the heat of the moment but never anything to make him say he's fighting for his life. He said I called all the shots throughout the breakup and I can't just turn around want to work on it and expect him to go back so easily. I get it but I also feel like this is a punishment or just an easy way out.
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 It would be best for you to stay away from him. You shouldn't meet up with him but most of all, you should implement NC and move away from this. This guy clearly sounds like a manipulator. He deflects to shift blame and to emotionally manipulate. You made the right decision to leave. If you say he has mentioned that he is getting help over and over again, and he never did, chances are he's not doing it now either. 1
Author Maddy416 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 It would be best for you to stay away from him. You shouldn't meet up with him but most of all, you should implement NC and move away from this. This guy clearly sounds like a manipulator. He deflects to shift blame and to emotionally manipulate. You made the right decision to leave. If you say he has mentioned that he is getting help over and over again, and he never did, chances are he's not doing it now either. You're right. I'm not going to meet with him tonight. When and if he contacts me about it should I just not respond or should I say I'm choosing not to go and I need to stop talking to him for the time being?
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 You're right. I'm not going to meet with him tonight. When and if he contacts me about it should I just not respond or should I say I'm choosing not to go and I need to stop talking to him for the time being? Personally, the best way to deal with someone that emotionally manipulates is to ignore because contact will only suck you back in. In that sense, I would suggest you go cold and just move on from him. But if you want to say something, then it would be best that you just tell him that you are steadfast in your decision to end it and that you ask him to respect your need for No Contact. Don't say "time being" because seeing how he is, there is no benefit for you to have contact with him until you are completely over and have moved on from him. 3
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