amay555 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, I'm mid 20's or so, and I have a problem. I'm really looking for some guidance. About three months ago, I started a new job. It's a very tight-knit office community (sort of like "The Office") and there's only about 15 employees, so this makes my situation oh, so difficult. One of the guys that work there, J, really started to grow on me. He's cute and funny and smart...unfortunately, in this situation, he is also my superior. Last weekend, he invited me out to his friend's birthday party, and I was ecstatic. I wore a very form-fitting outfit, and I spent hours trying to look good. When I got there, I had way too many drinks. I don't recall exactly what happened, but J and I started making out and we went back to his place and did...everything. So, the next day, I decided not to call him. I didn't want to put my guard down. He was out on vacation for the week, so he did not call me either. On Friday, however, he came back and started blowing up my phone with texts...really sweet ones, about how he wants to see me and has a crush on me, etc. So, Saturday, J came to my place with a bottle of my favorite vodka. Yeah, I think you know where this is going. I am a lightweight, so I started rambling like an idiot and said a bunch of stupid, turn-offy things, and two drinks in I was ready to go. I just like him so much and I was having so much fun and we did it. Again. Afterward, I practically begged him to stay over, but he was obviously turned off by my drunken neediness and left. I was, at that point, drunk and alone and basically wanted to eat a bottle of sleeping pills, so I texted him a bunch of times... First text: I ask him if he wants to hang out soon, he says "Yeah we can do that". Second text: I tell him how awesome it would be if THIS worked out...let my guard down...no response. Then I tell him that if he doesn't feel the same way I do it's fine, but I'd rather know now. He says "I'll let you know". Third text: I tell him how I don't want him to break my heart, and he says he doesn't, either. Fourth text: I inquire that the whole thing is probably not a good idea, right? Does he think so? He says he'll have to give it some thought. So. I came to work today feeling like crap. He didn't send me any more sweet emails, no more texts. The only interaction we had was him saying Hello to me in the morning and promptly getting the heII out of my way. I am absolutely ridiculously devastated about this. I know I shouldn't have slept with him; that is my fault. I feel so stupid. I tried all week to not be a crazy person about this whole thing and in one moment of weakness it came crashing down. I'm sitting here crying about this as I type. I'm so weak. I feel so alone and terrible. Is there anything I can do to save face with him?? Thank you so much for your help; anything you can give me would be great. Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
halfcrazed_i Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Firstly... I think that you learned a hard lesson here that ****ting where you eat isn't the most brilliant idea (especially if your office is fairly small... and especially if it's your superior that's involved). The thing is, you were already aware of all those. Why did you still go through with it? Secondly... You knew you were a lightweight. And I'm sure you know the "lapses" in judgement that people tend to have when they're intoxicated. It just ended up as one big clusterfck for you. I'm really not sure how you can remedy this situation. But chin up, face forward and move on. That's about the best you can do for yourself. Gather up what's left of your dignity and take it with you. I'm sorry that you ended up in this situation. But I'm hoping that after all this, you'd know better. 3
Author amay555 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 I agree with you, and thanks for your response. Silly me. I just like him so much that I needed liquid courage to do anything about it, and I did, and it's out of control. At this point, I just need to save face. I know he obviously doesn't have feelings for me...even though on Friday I was sooo excited because, based on his texts, I really thought he did. Such a hard blow. Is there anything I should say to him to try to maintain my dignity? Or should I just pretend it never happened?
stillafool Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 So, Saturday, J came to my place with a bottle of my favorite vodka. Um, lightweights don't have a favorite vodka. So cut it. You should move on because this guy thinks you are a drunk. I agree that it is never a good idea to get involved with coworkers. 3
Assasda Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 At least you know what you did wrong. Its like you knew immediately. Knowing is half the battle. What you can do is just be pleasant with him. Show him, that youre not neurotic, rambling, needy nor impatient. Smile be accommodating, and basically be a good coworker. -then when you guys get back to being friends, you can go out with him again. ------if you get to go out------- A short way to handle it, is if you guys ever get to hang out one on one again, you can admit that the drink got you to that needy emotional place. Then just be stonger than you were
Scorpio Chick Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Would you mind telling me how old you are? How old is this superior of yours, the one that you like? If you'd have asked before you sent all those texts to him, I would have highly recommended you NOT let him know you are upset. As you know by now, I'm sure, he doesn't care about you, at all. Don't be devastated by that, though. Really. Don't. Don't buy into the thinking that 'men can't help themselves' and they just need 'it' more than women. Because I think you do think that way, it's a subtle conditioning that has worked. So when you do what you did, you think you feel 'devastated' but what you're REALLY devastated about, is that you know on the surface, and deep inside, all you're going to get with this guy now, is sex. AND, it will be COMPLETELY on HIS terms, if you allow it. Which he has every reason to think, you would. You wanted to have sex with him. You probably would step into a 'relationship' with him, if he were to ask you to. How do I know? You noticed him, and you showed up at a party in, as you said, a 'form fitting dress'. There's nothing wrong with that, so don't think I'm hinting at that. I think you want a relationship with someone, and you're using sex to try and get it, but that's not the way to go about it. As long as he's not married, and you're not married, you and he have every right to do whatever you want to do together. I think you're probably very early 20's. I can't really blame him, although, he's got a lot more to worry about than you do, since you're his subordinate at work, and he's bringing bottles of vodka to you, and having sex with you. Very simply, you opened a door, and he walked right in. Learn from it and the next time you like a guy, take some time to find out if he's the kind of guy to bring whole bottles of alcohol to his subordinates. I'm also kind of curious how old he is.
lollipopspot Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Is there anything I should say to him to try to maintain my dignity? No. Shut up. You've said too much, and if you open your mouth to say more then I'm pretty sure, based on what you've written, that you're going to say more of what you've already said which will come off as really needy and have the effect of further driving him away. You need to learn more self control. Everyone has needy and insecure feelings, but you don't want to dump those on a new partner right away. You need to establish a longer relationship before you start telling your innermost fears and secrets to someone. In my opinion you should play it cool, live your life normally, meet new people, and maybe the initial relationship that you had can be built back up and you can start again. He really has to be able to see what he liked in you in the first place, and not the person who crumbled into a needy heap when she had too much to drink. I'm going to modify my earlier advice. I might consider sending a single text saying, "Please forget my drunken texts from the other night. I'm embarrassed. Let's just reset to an earlier time and forget this ever happened, please." Then say no more, and pretend you never went out and slept together and if anything is ever going to happen again, let him approach you. Do not try to use this guy as an emotional sounding board or process this event with him. He's not going to be the guy to help you feel better about this now, he's creating distance. 2
Author amay555 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Hey Scorpio, thank you for your response. I am 29, and he is 31. I don't have a lot of dating experience...up until a few months ago I was in a long term, eight-year relationship, so this is all new for me. While I'm quite good at my job and fairly book smart, I have no social intelligence...so yes, I messed up. I don't know if I should cling on for any hope for this situation or if there's anything I should do to rectify this. I really thought he liked me...so devastating.
Author amay555 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Thanks Lollipop. I am hoping there are worse things I could have done, but I'm truly embarrassed.
lollipopspot Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Thanks Lollipop. I am hoping there are worse things I could have done, but I'm truly embarrassed. Sure there are worse things you could have done. You could have actually taken those sleeping pills and tried to kill yourself. After he left you could have made your way over to his house and started banging on his door in a drunken rage. You could have kept the texts going the next day. You could have had a drunken rant on Facebook about the one that got away. You could have killed his pet. Sure there are worse things, if that makes you feel better. Just try to learn your lesson from this - self control. Don't drink - it seems that it causes you to lose self control. Move forward. Everyone makes mistakes.
newmoon Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 update your resume girlfriend, because a) you will not be able to continue working closely with this person anymore. b) he won't be getting into a relationship with you. he likely saw you (before) as someone datable and now to him you're a drunken mess who is good for sex and hooking up. get some dignity back. avoid office socializing and interaction for a while. hate to say it but I don't see any relationship coming from this, the best you can do is try to work with him until the kitchen gets too hot and awkward and you're forced out. you probably had a good chance w/him after the 1st time, but the 2nd instance is what likely blew it. work relationships are generally just a hugely bad idea. bad lesson here.
bubbaganoosh Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Your biggest problem is YOU CAN'T DRINK! No one likes a drunk. Their lousy people to be around and 99% of the time they say and do stupid things that sooner or later bite them in the ass just like what you did. Comes down to this. Your 29. You can't handle booze yet you still drink until you get stupid, make an ass of yourself and blame it on the booze. Wrong. Blame yourself when you sober, and if you can remember that if your going to attend a party then know when to switch to soft drinks and preserve your dignity. You think that if you were sober that you would have jumped into bed with this guy without some thought? Especially when he's you supervisor?. There's a lesson to be learned here and I hope you learned it before it's too late. 1
ashy555 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Stop texting him. He doesn't know you that well and its obviously making him run for the hill. I recently dated a guy who I thought was very attractive and very nice but all he did was text.. no reply and text again all day everyday. He came across as extremely needy and that is a huge red flag/turn off for me especially so early on. Try play it more cool. Control yourself!!!!! Don't text him again and move on
abby_tx Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Holy ****. This makes me embarrassed for you. Let this be a huge lesson. You were needy/crazy acting and scared him off. Don't get drunk again. 2
stillafool Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Hey Scorpio, thank you for your response. I am 29, and he is 31. I don't have a lot of dating experience...up until a few months ago I was in a long term, eight-year relationship, so this is all new for me. While I'm quite good at my job and fairly book smart, I have no social intelligence...so yes, I messed up. I don't know if I should cling on for any hope for this situation or if there's anything I should do to rectify this. I really thought he liked me...so devastating. You have been in a relationship with a man for 8 years so you know how to act when it comes to men. No do not cling on to hope with this man as I think you have turned him completely off. Just know you cannot handle alcohol and don't drink.
stateofgrace Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I think most people have been in a somewhat similar situation where drunk texting screwed things up with someone. So, shrug it off, learn from it and move on. In terms of dealing with the aftermath, act normal. Don't necessarily act like nothing happened, but don't hide from him or anything. Be friendly, be PROFESSIONAL, and just do your work. I think you've learned your lesson that getting involved with a co-worker (especially a superior) is risky business. Another thought, maybe, send him an email apologizing for your inappropriate behaviour and that you would like to continue a professional relationship within the office. IF you feel the need to say something to him, that then should be what you say IMO.
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I was, at that point, drunk and alone and basically wanted to eat a bottle of sleeping pills, so I texted him a bunch of times... Why so extreme, Amay? If you can't handle alcohol and it takes you to such levels especially in situations like this one, why aren't you making better choices for yourself? And why so hard and fast falling for some guy you just met at work -- hold back some and allow the process to work. I'd never want to get involved with someone at work, let alone my boss. You really have to work on being one step ahead of yourself versus reacting. What's done is done. You can't go back on this. What you can do to save your dignity? Act normal. If he brings it up, just apologize -- short and sweet and don't bring up seeing each other again. Let him do that if he wants to and you can decide from there.
MarcelSuave Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm mid 20's or so, and I have a problem. I'm really looking for some guidance. About three months ago, I started a new job. It's a very tight-knit office community (sort of like "The Office") and there's only about 15 employees, so this makes my situation oh, so difficult. One of the guys that work there, J, really started to grow on me. He's cute and funny and smart...unfortunately, in this situation, he is also my superior. Last weekend, he invited me out to his friend's birthday party, and I was ecstatic. I wore a very form-fitting outfit, and I spent hours trying to look good. When I got there, I had way too many drinks. I don't recall exactly what happened, but J and I started making out and we went back to his place and did...everything. So, the next day, I decided not to call him. I didn't want to put my guard down. He was out on vacation for the week, so he did not call me either. On Friday, however, he came back and started blowing up my phone with texts...really sweet ones, about how he wants to see me and has a crush on me, etc. So, Saturday, J came to my place with a bottle of my favorite vodka. Yeah, I think you know where this is going. I am a lightweight, so I started rambling like an idiot and said a bunch of stupid, turn-offy things, and two drinks in I was ready to go. I just like him so much and I was having so much fun and we did it. Again. Afterward, I practically begged him to stay over, but he was obviously turned off by my drunken neediness and left. I was, at that point, drunk and alone and basically wanted to eat a bottle of sleeping pills, so I texted him a bunch of times... First text: I ask him if he wants to hang out soon, he says "Yeah we can do that". Second text: I tell him how awesome it would be if THIS worked out...let my guard down...no response. Then I tell him that if he doesn't feel the same way I do it's fine, but I'd rather know now. He says "I'll let you know". Third text: I tell him how I don't want him to break my heart, and he says he doesn't, either. Fourth text: I inquire that the whole thing is probably not a good idea, right? Does he think so? He says he'll have to give it some thought. So. I came to work today feeling like crap. He didn't send me any more sweet emails, no more texts. The only interaction we had was him saying Hello to me in the morning and promptly getting the heII out of my way. I am absolutely ridiculously devastated about this. I know I shouldn't have slept with him; that is my fault. I feel so stupid. I tried all week to not be a crazy person about this whole thing and in one moment of weakness it came crashing down. I'm sitting here crying about this as I type. I'm so weak. I feel so alone and terrible. Is there anything I can do to save face with him?? Thank you so much for your help; anything you can give me would be great. Hey Amay555, It's unfortunate you're experiencing such imbalance in your love life, but I believe FIRST and FOREMOST what you need to do is to sit down and in CRITICAL DETAIL, find out what it is you want out of life. You need to UNDERSTAND who you are and figure out what your CORE BELIEFS and VALUES are. Ask yourself: What do you want out of a relationship? What does a relationship mean to me? What does it take to FEEL loved, and how can you SHOW love? Before you even begin to contemplate any relationship, it is a MUST that you have answers to those questions. And always remember that you have to LOVE YOURSELF first before you can love anyone else. Cheer up my friend, things will get better for you.
Versacehottie Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 So um well I think as others have said, you just have to leave it alone for now. Even though I don't usually say it's a good idea to sleep with a guy on the first date (?), I don't think that was the problem here because he as you said was blowing you up with texts afterward. It's a risky strategy though and safer to wait a bit more in the future--especially with a workplace thing. I honesty think the main problem was those needy texts, which wouldn't be good at all for a regular dating situation but amplified his need to back off since this was a workplace thing. All it showed was that you were unstable and can't control your emotions AND insecure. Seriously people both guys and girls don't like that level of insecurity months and years in--let alone on the first real date (to me, the first time you went out didn't really count because he didn't specify it as a date, did he? It was under the premise of friends/flirting so for future reference you should play those a little safer). As for the drinking, I think a good rule of thumb is that under every dating circumstance only have 2 drinks max. Google eyes are not pretty. Because then it just gets sloppy and unladylike. A lot of guys, when it comes to what they deem relationship material, stay away from girls that drink too much. Even when it is hypocritical and even when they are young 20's. I know some girls who have apologized for drunken behavior with a new guy and things are fine but pretty sure the neediness is what put fear of god into this guy. Re-group and work on your self-esteem so that you are less concerned about where a relationship is going that soon into it. You will be fine--live and learn. Best thing you can do is act professional at work so your job is not affected and quickest way to put it all behind you. As for the guy, left him come to you but don't hold your breath. Date others. I'm sorry and good luck!
Eivuwan Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 If you just got out of an eight year relationship a few months ago, then I suggest you take a year off from dating. It seems like you miss the company of a man too much and end up in bad situations.
harrybrown Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Stay away from drinking, esp. when you are out partying. Start the 180 on this guy. now he thinks that you are "easy" and "needy". This will help you to move on from this guy. Eight years with the last one is a long time. play somewhat cool on the next one. If you did not use protection, you may want to get tested just to make sure.
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