Why can't I hate/dislike her?

[Snow101]

This is just another vent post. You know, getting your heart broken is #%@ing not fun.

 

It gets so frustrating sometimes I want to scream and tear my hair out. I'm fighting this daily war that few people notice or know about it and it eats away at me every day like acid. It seems like no matter how much progress I might make all it takes is the wrong word, phrase, picture, song, whatever, anything and I'm back to square ONE.

 

I posted my story on here awhile back, look it up if you care for background. But nothing has changed. I haven't changed.

 

I can't seem to move on with the way she left things. I still can't accept that she could treat me so bad and leave with so little fanfare or explanation. I can't accept that she could care so little about me she hasn't checked in ever or even once on me. I can't except that it's over even though it so clearly is. It's so over and she so obviously doesn't care. I can't accept this though and I can't accept my love could sit there in stony apathy and watch me crumble in front of her.

 

Deep down the romantic/idiotic side of me still believes this is just a pause and that we will reunite SOON, in some awesome Disney-esque fashion and everything will be forgiven, all wounds will be healed.

 

Why can't I hate her or at least dislike her? She treated me pretty bad and seemed to be completely apathetic to hurting me, leaving me incredibly coldly and unsympathetically, after 4 plus years. Why do I still think shes the greatest woman alive? Why do I compare every girl to her ? Why do I think she is the most beautiful and the smartest and all that? Why does nobody measure up? Why does it seem like a good idea to take myself off the market and just wait forever for her to realize I'm the freakin' @$#^ and it was a mistake to leave me? I hate it!

 

It's almost been...i dunno 9, 10 months? I haven't touched another girl in all this time. It's like I cannot betray the love I don't even have anymore.The other night I was out and some girl actually sat next to me and started flirting. i could tell she was clearly interested, though I felt kinda stunned anyone would want me. But I could barely talk and I just let her walk away a few minutes later. Because she wasn't HER, and also I felt like even if I did hook up/talk to/whatever, ultimately, she would leave me and decide she didn't want me too, just like HER.

 

Why do I idolize someone that ran my heart down into the dirt? Why do I still freaking love her so much after all this silence!? She isn't coming back! She isn't even going to explain what really happened and why she really left!

 

She isn't even going to write me a long letter praising me and comforting me and saying how its all for the best.

 

I have to accept that, but I can't, I've tried EVERYTHING possible to get over her and I still come back to loving her.

 

I'm at the end of my wits and I seriously feel like desperately afraid I'm going to feel this forever.

 

When am I going to stop loving her?

 

Can I get a witness? Anyone feel my pain?

[No Limit]

Because you've seen and experienced what good things this one person could do, and how good she was. It's sad that this person has died and what was left of her is now... this, but it's perfectly alright not to feel hate.

 

When my ex best friend betrayed me in the way she did I would have expected to hate her, but I never could and never did. I felt and feel resentment towards her and never reacted to her the 6 months she tried to get back in touch, and the 2 times she attempted to start a conversation I also dismissed her with ease.

 

You just need to finally understand that she only looks like the best woman alive. But it's not her. She's gone from this world, lived in the past and died in the present. And stop feeding these love-fantasies as well.

[Hoosfoos]

I could have written every word of this post.

[jt27]

Just know you are not alone in your pain. Everything you have said I feel the exact same way.

 

I am not yet 10 months along like you but I have come to terms with the fact it is going to take me a very long time to get over her.

 

It's ok to not feel hate. I don't hate my ex. Sometimes I want to and I get angry but I cannot hate someone that I love so much.

 

Some need more time than others. Again, you are not alone. Stay strong.

[learning_slowly]

There's no benefit in hating. Why will you get over her faster then?

 

You either didn't have something she was looking for in a relationship, or she was after the butterfly in the stomach again. Which one doesn't matter. If she thought you were capable of offering it, she would have discussed it with you. But she hasn't. So there is no relationship any more, so grieve for its loss and move on.

 

By now you should be over the worst, so you need to make more of an effort. You said the girl was interested. Was she offering marriage? NO. She was just interested, so chat. It doesn't have to go anywhere. Next time, imagine your ex with her arms draped around someone new's neck! You need to engage people and live again, otherwise you may still be posting similar posts in another year.

[sumathi]

The fault lies entirely with you. You are wrecking your life for a girl who doesn't care for you. How can you feel she is the greatest when she is so callous to your emotions? Such a girl will never make a good wife.You should be happy that she has left you. You should wipe her from your life and start afresh again. Of course it is not going to be easy but you have to do it. She is simply not worth your love. Time is a great healer and if you make it a point to restart your life you would definitely find a better girl.

[Alcatraz]

I feel exactly this. I want to hate her, she gave me sympathy for a few weeks because she knew I was down but I didn't want the sympathy, I just wanted her back. Now she can just be happy with someone else while I'm left hating myself! Blaming myself for everything. I want to forget.

[Snow101]

I don't really want to hate her, I don't want of this...but what are my choices?

 

I just want to stop missing and loving someone that doesn't care about me..but I can't let it go.

 

 

Yet still I put her on the pedestal. Why? She doesn't deserve it. I should feel anger at her for the way she did things, and I did at first, but of course now I've forgiven her ...

 

I just want to stop admiring and missing this person that doesn't love me so I can be with someone else and move on. But really I want her back. Even though she doesn't deserve it.

 

No good options.

[learning_slowly]

Imagine shes showing affection to somebody new, which is probably happening.

 

Theres no need to hate, but from that you'll see she's moved on and theres no future together.

 

She may have been good to you in the past, but now she doesn't care enough.

 

You need to learn how to not care enough. why would you want to care about someone that doesn't want to be with you. Its hard, but you need to move on.

 

Don't get me wrong. I have a strong mind that can take alot and good support, but even i get the odd 20 mins in a day. But this is getting less.

[Alcatraz]

It's so hard to hate the person because you'll always remember them for the good things, that's how I feel anyway. Thinking of her with somebody else absolutely cripples me but I still don't hate her, just want her back. Worst. Pain. Ever.

[kindofsad]

I totally get where you are coming from. Its so hard to remove the ex from the pedestal, logic tells you its the sensible thing to do but the heart is a different beast!

 

I am about a year from break up and still have similar thoughts sometimes, its like I take 3 steps forward and 2 back so its all progress. I am sure in your 10 months you have made some progress, even if it feels small, you should register it and know you are moving forward even though it feels slow.

I don't know if this is a help to you, but lately if I find my mind wandering into fantasy land I try and restore my thoughts into the present and remember 5 points - Feelings/people change - She does not want to be in a relationship with me - It is over - She is not coming back - I deserve better.

 

Hard as it is you have to try and accept the reality of the situation in order to move on, and you have to want to move on. I have found that some buddhist inspired teachings helpful, encourages you not to fight these thoughts but learn to accept and live with them. ( here is one are article Letting Go of Attachment, from A to Zen : zenhabits and you tube video of Ajahn Brahm

)

 

Keep plugging away and working on yourself, you will get there :-)

[Reels]

You cannot dislike her because ;-

 

1. Your love was true.

 

2. You didn't cared about her outlook, but you cared about her, her future, her peace of mind.

 

3. You thought of her as your own. When we treat someone has our own, we can never hate or dislike them.

 

In short words, there used to be a human inside since your birth, and that human is still alive. You should be happy for that.

[somegoodman]

Allow me to offer a different perspective than those who have already replied.

 

You need to get to the point where you DO hate her. Whenever you find yourself pining for her, make a conscious effort to convert those feelings to hate and disgust. Keep working at it until hatred/resentment is your default response to thoughts of her. Remember how cold and callous she was when she abandoned you? Let that fuel your hatred.

 

Now, this does not mean that you contact her or lash out at her in anyway. You have to kill her in your heart and part of that process is refusing to acknowledge her worth as a person or even her existence. There is no middle ground when dealing with your enemies, there are only two extremes that work: eradicate them or leave them alone.

 

I was where you are. I took my own advice. I did hate my ex, and eventually she did start to show more emotion toward me. By that time my hatred had evolved into apathy, which is the ultimate goal. Now I have disappeared from her life and made it clear that I feel less than nothing for her. I have heard from others that she is miserable. This doesn't even make me happy, I simply don't care. She means nothing to me and I wouldn't lift a finger to help her if she was the last girl on earth.

 

You can do it too.

[Alcatraz]

Fine words somegoodman. I'm starting to feel resentment towards her. I'm realising that she was most likely seeing this other person when we were still together and I know she's lied to me since. Convince yourself that the person you loved is dead, as bad as that sounds. But she obviously thought little of my feelings so why should I feel anything for her?

[NomiMalone]

I totally relate. My theory is this - we can't hate them because we're still at the stage where we're "attached" (for lack of a better word) to them, and being still "under their spell" (for lack of a better description), are not yet fully thinking clearly.

 

When this "attachment" wears off, eventually (whenever this may be, it's different in every case), and you start thinking with more clarity, anger will probably ensue.

 

I also think that in break ups where there's a lack of closure, it takes much longer for recovery to happen, because there's still a tiny piece of hope in the back of our minds that one day we might hear from them again.

 

Just give yourself as much time as you need. It's totally ok to be feeling the way you feel. Maybe try to work out why you're still clinging onto the idea of the relationship.

[jonsnuh]

To some people, hating is easier and harder to break than to like someone. Having feelings either way will keep you chained to memories of her. Accept this, own this, and tell yourself that she isn't doing these things to you anymore.

 

You are back to being single, where you are in the first place but wiser and having gone through a period with her that is in the past. Accept this, own this, and use this to push yourself to the next person with a new leaf.

[Snow101]

Some interesting thoughts, especially somegoodman. I've tried, I've really tried to focus on her negatives.... I don't know if I can pull off the mental state you are describing.

 

I used to think I was a tough guy and emotionally strong. This whole thing has made me feel very weak. I don't know which way is up anymore. It all makes me feel like I cannot trust or love anyone safely, and that anyone at anytime can just bail out on you, and not care. I still cannot grasp her shift in character...its like who is this person? I hate that about life.

 

Much of this breakup pain is my inability to accept the way of things, the facts about the world that don't fit into my stupid overly-romantic vision of it.

 

Or maybe in some way I'd rather feel in love and be miserable, than not be in love at all? That's probably part of it too.

[FredJones80]

It all makes me feel like I cannot trust or love anyone safely, and that anyone at anytime can just bail out on you, and not care. I still cannot grasp her shift in character...its like who is this person? I hate that about life.

 

Much of this breakup pain is my inability to accept the way of things, the facts about the world that don't fit into my stupid overly-romantic vision of it.

 

I think the above bit I've quoted... especially the bold bit will hit home with a lot of people on here. You're not alone in that regard, I feel exactly the same... and I know a good friend who will too (you know who you are )

[stillfiguringitallou]

Allow me to offer a different perspective than those who have already replied.

 

You need to get to the point where you DO hate her. Whenever you find yourself pining for her, make a conscious effort to convert those feelings to hate and disgust. Keep working at it until hatred/resentment is your default response to thoughts of her. Remember how cold and callous she was when she abandoned you? Let that fuel your hatred.

 

Now, this does not mean that you contact her or lash out at her in anyway. You have to kill her in your heart and part of that process is refusing to acknowledge her worth as a person or even her existence. There is no middle ground when dealing with your enemies, there are only two extremes that work: eradicate them or leave them alone.

 

I was where you are. I took my own advice. I did hate my ex, and eventually she did start to show more emotion toward me. By that time my hatred had evolved into apathy, which is the ultimate goal. Now I have disappeared from her life and made it clear that I feel less than nothing for her. I have heard from others that she is miserable. This doesn't even make me happy, I simply don't care. She means nothing to me and I wouldn't lift a finger to help her if she was the last girl on earth.

 

You can do it too.

 

I've seen a few of your posts lately.

 

You need therapy. I'm deadly serious.

 

This type of wild generilization of a gender is a symptom of extreme mental instability and completely discounts the many many many women that make posts on here exposing their pain and feelings of foolishness on here.

 

Go get therapy.

 

There is this thing - BPD - type it into google. It is virtually impossible to have been in as many LTR as you have claimed and ALL of them END because the OTHER PERSON ALONE.

 

So - regardless of whether you are attracting this type due to co dependancy - or YOU are a bigger problem than you think ...

Edited June 6, 2014 by stillfiguringitallou

[bluenote]

What if a woman wants to take his advise to hate her ex boyfriend, would it be anti men. It works for him and thats what he says,nobody here is forced to follow his advise, but its open for all to read. I don't think there is any right or wrong here, its sharing of feelings and advise, its opinion and viewpoint not for anyone to judge.

 

There is no good or bad split, pain, dump or heartache,its missery alltogether, perhaps his way is extreme but it works for him. Nobody here I think sees it as gender hatred or propogating hostility toward a male or

female on that basis. its in context with what he went through, him being a man and in this case hurt by a woman, should he had been a woman she would do same being a woman hurt by a man, aplying also for if he was in a relationship with another man being a man or a woman hurt in a relationship with another woman. I think he is properly frustrated and resorted to hatred which in effect only damages himself and leaves the illussion that the lady feels his wrath which is usualy the case, but if it helps him cope wel let it be.

[bluenote]

I would like to disagree with Somegoodman,

 

Frstly how does one turn from love to hate at a decision, just deciding that from now onward I hate you. That I think is an illussion. Hatred works if and when the person or thing has themselves strong feelings for you, if they care for you or need you. If they don't care for you it means nothing they are unaffected. The person left you because he/she don't care for you anymore, what would they care if you hate them. The hatred you have only serves to eat you and only you because unlike the love that you had, with hatred you have to keep reminding yourself that you hate them so much.

 

Hatred will give you depression and clog you mind and thinking, it may tell you that "yes now she/he feels it" whiles in reality the person cares a f... about you and whats with you.

 

It is however good to forgive, doesn't mean you have to forget, but forgive and learn to release and know that you will think about and remember your hurt but that you went through it and that its over now. It will allow you to accept that you have lost someone you so want and there is little you can do about that. It does not mean that you have to want to be friendly with them or be friends or keep contact etc. Its just that you dont have to constantly try and know if they a feeling bad about you hating them or if they care that you hate them.If you forgive and learn to forgive, you release yourself you give yourself room to heal by not pressuring yourself with the responsibility of hating, it requires more to hate.

 

Its better to think of the bad your ex did and cry and say I forgive you and think of the good and cry and say I miss you, than to only force yourself to by gruesome mental exercise only remember bad and train your mind hate hate hate.

[Bishop556]

Just as said previously, you can't hate her because you truly loved her. When you truly love someone for everything they are and everything they represent to you, you ignore the negative qualities because they don't matter. What matters is that this person is truly a gem in your life, even one with scratches and scars, a gem that glitters for you and you only.

 

Believe it or not, this a good thing. This means you truly have the ability to love. Some people do not have this ability, and what they think is love is merely infatuation. You said you believed it was weakness that you are so hurt by this, I call it strength. It is strength to truly love and be vulnerable. The world needs more people who can love with complete honesty and vulnerability. The greatest men in the world have been emotional and vulnerable, and yes, they experienced depression and heartbreak. You may call this weakness as they are truly are and were affected to their emotional foundation by life's struggles, but I cal it strength as they found within themselves to recover and become happy again.

 

I'm telling you though, despite how you are currently feeling, you will notice the negatives of your ex and you will move on. You will be happy again, I promise you that. Only with time will you come to truly know objectively who your ex truly is. It took me five months. If my ex came to me and begged me to get back together, I would have definitely said yes. Now, I'm not so sure. Be kind to yourself as I feel you are neglecting your own self worth. And from what I can see by an emotional man who is truly feeling heartbreak and will persevere from it, you do have a great deal of worth. Focus on yourself and truly understand your worth as a person. Only you can do this. If you need anyone to talk too at any time, just send me a PM and I'll get back to you when I can possibly.

[somegoodman]

I've seen a few of your posts lately.

 

You need therapy. I'm deadly serious.

 

This type of wild generilization of a gender is a symptom of extreme mental instability and completely discounts the many many many women that make posts on here exposing their pain and feelings of foolishness on here.

 

Go get therapy.

 

There is this thing - BPD - type it into google. It is virtually impossible to have been in as many LTR as you have claimed and ALL of them END because the OTHER PERSON ALONE.

 

So - regardless of whether you are attracting this type due to co dependancy - or YOU are a bigger problem than you think ...

 

 

 

lol thanks for the concern trolling

 

 

where am I generalizing again? I made it pretty clear that hate eventually erodes to apathy. of course carrying resentment your whole life isn't healthy. its still a lot better than pining though.

 

 

you think I'm BPD...sounds like projection to me. as far as my gender views, yes I believe there are differences between the genders and how they react to emotional disturbances, stress, and other matters. I don't buy into the "gender equality" myth that pervades on these boards and in modern culture. so go ahead and get out your torch and pitchfork for that, at least you'll have something tangible to concern troll against.

 

 

viva la resistance brother!

[7yearsbroken]

lol thanks for the concern trolling

 

 

where am I generalizing again? I made it pretty clear that hate eventually erodes to apathy. of course carrying resentment your whole life isn't healthy. its still a lot better than pining though.

 

 

you think I'm BPD...sounds like projection to me. as far as my gender views, yes I believe there are differences between the genders and how they react to emotional disturbances, stress, and other matters. I don't buy into the "gender equality" myth that pervades on these boards and in modern culture. so go ahead and get out your torch and pitchfork for that, at least you'll have something tangible to concern troll against.

 

 

viva la resistance brother!

 

If you hate a ex, it probably won't affect her. You will hurt yourself if you let it get out of hand. IMHO it actually gives you some pride in yourself. You don't need your ex and if you were wronged so what he/she can eat it. After a 7 yrsLTR I know she will always be part of my memory. I don't know if she is hurt by my hatred but I do know I can no longer trust her.

 

If you chose to hate someone you need to be sure. Whether your ex is right or wrong their selfish desires will only have them view you as a bitter ex. They will never consider coming back. So hate only if you are determined to get over her and not look back.

[XTiffanyX]

I 100%feel you pain.

What I've learned after spending 3 years of my life totally heartbroken is that when you love somebody very much , you find yourself falling in love with the IDEA of them. Not who they actually ARE.

You then find it impossible to dislike them for their shortcomings because in your head they're still that amazing person who you feel in love with.

 

It's a constant conflict between fantasy and reality.