TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 'confront or ignore etc ?' You keep coming back to this. What is the purpose in your mind of doing either? I'd say, wish her luck and get on with your life. If you dream of taking her back, more fool you. You don't confront as there is now nothing you want from her. You don't 'ignore': you petition for divorce and disengage completely. Your life. Wasting any more of it pining after the skanky soon-to-be-ex, is not indicated by the situation, I would say. If you must, send her text saying "Good luck in your new life, I am now moving on with mine, you will hear about the arrangements soon. Please don't contact me about anything else. " or similar. 2
Author UK Man Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Ignore. Your kids are grown, finances are separated, no point in talking to her about anything. Go dark on her. Radio silence. its our grand child's christening in 5 weeks time do i go to the church and leave afterwards and not go the the big party or....... do i go to the party in a nice new suit looking good . it would be hard to do this option i still feel she wants to sleep with this guy and live alone for a bit and then decide what she wants to do . is that fair ? do i desrve to be treated in this way ? all she says is we are separated now and apart so she can do what she likes which is true ........... but she is still dangling the carrtot in front of me saying she needs time to think
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 what reasons would i give? Try https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce and take your pick - abandonment, adultery, unreasonable behaviour. All of the above! If you have no kids it does not matter really as custody is not at issue. Why agonise about it? Just file. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 she is still dangling the carrtot in front of me saying she needs time to think' A carrot only works on a donkey. You are sitting there passively waiting for her to decide, and making her the focus of your life. This is not the right approach. 1
GorillaTheater Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 its our grand child's christening in 5 weeks time do i go to the church and leave afterwards and not go the the big party or....... do i go to the party in a nice new suit looking good . it would be hard to do this option i still feel she wants to sleep with this guy and live alone for a bit and then decide what she wants to do . is that fair ? do i desrve to be treated in this way ? all she says is we are separated now and apart so she can do what she likes which is true ........... but she is still dangling the carrtot in front of me saying she needs time to think You go, look your absolute best, and treat her like an occasional business associate: polite but distant. Find something to do if she tries to engage you in conversation. 1
Author UK Man Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 what reasons would i give? Try https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce and take your pick - abandonment, adultery, unreasonable behaviour. All of the above! If you have no kids it does not matter really as custody is not at issue. Why agonise about it? Just file. none of these apply mate desertion says over 2 years , hasnt happened unreasonable behavour . there wasnt any from her when we were married adultry , she didnt do this during the marriage how can i do it ? thanks
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 i still feel she wants to sleep with this guy and live alone for a bit and then decide what she wants to do . is that fair ? do i desrve to be treated in this way ? all she says is we are separated now and apart so she can do what she likes which is true ........... but she is still dangling the carrtot in front of me saying she needs time to think You know what UK Man, I feel so sorry for you You can feel the panic in your posts, I know it is so easy for us all to sit here and tell you to do this that and the other which are generally correct but you must be going through utter turmoil in your mind My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately what most people here are telling you is correct. Listen to yourself. You're questioning if you deserve to let your WIFE sleep with someone else? Please WAKE UP! I know this must be utter pain but don't lose your self respect as well. Yes, you are separated, but she is still your WIFE, she should have a little more respect for you. 4
gaius Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Once they're with a new person it's really over. =/ Don't be one of those guys who takes her back after she disgraces herself and comes crawling back later. 5
Author UK Man Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 You know what UK Man, I feel so sorry for you You can feel the panic in your posts, I know it is so easy for us all to sit here and tell you to do this that and the other which are generally correct but you must be going through utter turmoil in your mind My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately what most people here are telling you is correct. Listen to yourself. You're questioning if you deserve to let your WIFE sleep with someone else? Please WAKE UP! I know this must be utter pain but don't lose your self respect as well. Yes, you are separated, but she is still your WIFE, she should have a little more respect for you. very true fred . she started sleeping with him 9 weeks to the day after leaving me
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 none of these apply mate desertion says over 2 years , hasnt happened unreasonable behavour . there wasnt any from her when we were married adultry , she didnt do this during the marriage Undefended divorce (if she agrees) requires no grounds. Defended divorce: Well, Adultery - you are still married or you wouldn't be getting a divorce, would you. And she's shagging some guy. She abandoned you to do it. That's adultery.'Your husband or wife had sex with someone else of the opposite sex, and you can no longer bear to live with them.' seems like an excellent definition. Get a family solicitor to start you off. Don't delay - do it now! 6
No Limit Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 She's kicked your manhood in the bin, she doesn't give a f!ck about your feelings and her egoism is crowned with the move almost every cheater does - they try to keep you nearby "just in case". Sadly there are enough people falling for it and it happens over and over like this. Dude, run. Cut all ties and run as fast as you can. 2
Author UK Man Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 none of these apply mate desertion says over 2 years , hasnt happened unreasonable behavour . there wasnt any from her when we were married adultry , she didnt do this during the marriage Undefended divorce (if she agrees) requires no grounds. Defended divorce: Well, Adultery - you are still married or you wouldn't be getting a divorce, would you. And she's shagging some guy. She abandoned you to do it. That's adultery.'Your husband or wife had sex with someone else of the opposite sex, and you can no longer bear to live with them.' seems like an excellent definition. Get a family solicitor to start you off. Don't delay - do it now! thanks for your wisdom . is it still adultry if you are separated for 9 weeks ?
No Limit Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 thanks for your wisdom . is it still adultry if you are separated for 9 weeks ? Yes, because it shows she never had any intention of getting back together. Screwing other people is not what breaks are supposed to be, although on the other hand, that's always what the person who wants it tries to achieve. She wanted a break so in case it wouldn't work out she could come back and relieve/ignore any guilt she might have - MIGHT - by saying "It isn't cheating because we had a break". Once more, run. 1
Author UK Man Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Yes, because it shows she never had any intention of getting back together. Screwing other people is not what breaks are supposed to be, although on the other hand, that's always what the person who wants it tries to achieve. She wanted a break so in case it wouldn't work out she could come back and relieve/ignore any guilt she might have - MIGHT - by saying "It isn't cheating because we had a break". Once more, run. But if we are separated say for the 9 weeks , we are no longer living together as a married couple . so how can it be adultry if we are living apart ? sorry cant get my head around it
Chi townD Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 But if we are separated say for the 9 weeks , we are no longer living together as a married couple . so how can it be adultry if we are living apart ? sorry cant get my head around it Did you two get lawyers and stand infront of a Judge and he or she declared that the marriage is now over? Then, you're still married. You are still married. Doesn't matter if she's not without geographically. You still have a marriage license. If a married soldier goes on a 7 month deployment, does that mean that they aren't married for those 7 months? If you think that this guy is married, then find out for sure. If he is married then find out who she is. Then, you might want to inform her of an inappropriate relationship he's having with your wife. DO not tell your wife you're doing this, just do it. This guy will throw your wife under the bus in a minute to save his own ass. She might come back at you mad as hell and threatening divorce. She might ask you why you did it. I would just tell her, "Hey, you wanted to be alone to think. I just made sure you got exactly what you've asked for." 2
Author UK Man Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Did you two get lawyers and stand infront of a Judge and he or she declared that the marriage is now over? Then, you're still married. You are still married. Doesn't matter if she's not without geographically. You still have a marriage license. If a married soldier goes on a 7 month deployment, does that mean that they aren't married for those 7 months? If you think that this guy is married, then find out for sure. If he is married then find out who she is. Then, you might want to inform her of an inappropriate relationship he's having with your wife. DO not tell your wife you're doing this, just do it. This guy will throw your wife under the bus in a minute to save his own ass. She might come back at you mad as hell and threatening divorce. She might ask you why you did it. I would just tell her, "Hey, you wanted to be alone to think. I just made sure you got exactly what you've asked for." its impossible to find out who he is . he is living on the army base and that's all I know . He will be living in the same accommodation block as her he may even be single or separated I don't know
bubbaganoosh Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 do i go to the party in a nice new suit looking good . it would be hard to do this option i still feel she wants to sleep with this guy and live alone for a bit and then decide what she wants to do . is that fair ? do i desrve to be treated in this way ? Well if you get a new suit, make sure they leave some room in the crouch for when you get your balls back and there's room. Come on man. Wake up. If you want to go to this family function, new clothes new shoes new hat wont help. Show up with your back bone and if I were you, I would let your wife know that her presence is no longer welcome at your home and she can do what she wants because your done. The idea of her choosing when she wants to return home and once she does your not permitted to ask what she did with this guy is so completely out of bounds and unacceptable and for some reason your willing to go along with it. What's the matter with you? Time for you to wise up and make a stand for yourself and try to regain your dignity and self respect. Now friend, now. 1
beach Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 so shall i not confront her and take it thats its over or do i confront her to get answers ? thanks You have your answers. File for divorce. And stop checking on her - you have your evidence - it's creepy that you follow her.
North_London Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I saw your post and it resonated: "time apart" is cheater speak for "I'm f&*king someone else". Even if you still love her, would you be able to have sex with her again. After I found out that my wife of 17 years had been cheating on me for the better part of a year, I knew that I could never be intimate with her again, and never trust her again. File for divorce: if she won't agree to adultery, then go for unreasonable behaviour - almost anything can be phrased to meet the criteria. As for you: adultery does a serious head job on a bloke. This is not about you, it's about her and her choices. We can all learn what we'd do better in a next relationship, but when you don't have honesty and integrity what do you have. Her relationship has no future. Put the past in a box, file for divorce and move on. As scary as it seems right now, with your entire world distorted, the pieces of the puzzle do have a way of being put back into position - by choice and with some luck. 2
DKT3 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Huh, doesn't seem all that complicated to me. She wants to be single, that means you too are single. If I were you I would simply take advantage of the situation. See I'm guessing that she see this time as "her time" and haven't put much thought into the possiblity that you too may start seeing a new lady. So what are you waiting on? This will accomplish two things 1) help you start to detach from her emotionally 2) show her that you can and will be ok without her. Right now she feels in control of the marriage and your allowing it. Once she has felt the lose of control her tune will change. I recall reading your story the first time and thinking she left you to be with another man. I held my comments because you were in so much pain. This thing with this other guy is the reason she left, so don't be naive and think she just started up. I know its hard, believe me I know. Honestly, its time to stop focusing on her and focus on you. Avoid talking to her, so you can avoid her throwing this relationship in your face. Start dating NOW. Be upfront with the women, be clear that your not looking for a relationship only for companionship. Don't contact her at all, when she contacts you don't ask any questions and keep all your anwsers short. End the contact as quickly as possible. This isn't a game, its real, you have to look at this like the marriage is over. Chasing her is telling her that what she is doing is ok and you will accept this. Moving on even if its not what's in your heart gives you the only real shot at saving your marriage. You can't love her back. You have to force a change in the way she is thinking about you and your marriage. Nothing does that like a hot 32 year old woman.
Author UK Man Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Well she never came home again to her friends house last night she facebooked message me this morning about something trivial . the map said she was at her friends house , so i drove around there . enough was enough She opened the door after having a shower . she said she had to go upstairs to dry her hair so I went up and stood by the door I asked her was she with him last night she said yes . I said are you having sex she said yes. she just came from his bed and drove to her friends house I said shall we end this then as I can't take it anymore . she said that would be for the best She said this army man is being posted 400 miles away soon . So to me it was just casual and yet she was prepared to have this with this man while she said she needed time apart to be alone and think. It's not like she could have a proper relationship with him and is looking content on what she is getting she said she only said about thinking and time etc s thats what i was asking her to do , but that isn't true at the start it was then last four weeks it was her she said my behavoir this morning has confirmed that its over and I said good as I could never trust her again I said i was going to divorce her on adultery and she said fine get it done quicker the better its plain she just doesn't want me in any way . or else she wouldnt be with him and be with me instead Before you say anything Im sure this wasnt going on until last 9 days . But I suppose she remembered hm from before and when he was in the office block probably flirted and that was that I would imagine they are together now I cant get images out of my head of them two together . that is the hardest part now
Chi townD Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Sorry you're going through this dude. Your wife is gone. Time to look out for you now. Get a lawyer and pass that number to her. Anything she wants to say or needs should be directed through the lawyer now. It's ashame that I believe that this dude is a British Solider, if it were an American, you could report him to his commanding officer and they would throw his ass in jail for sleeping with a married woman. It's against military law for US service members to commit adultery. What did she mean by YOUR behavior that morning confirmed that you were through? Why? Because you didn't beg and kiss her ass? Edited May 20, 2014 by Chi townD 2
2sunny Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 But if we are separated say for the 9 weeks , we are no longer living together as a married couple . so how can it be adultry if we are living apart ? sorry cant get my head around it It's over man. Just file and know you can't make her participate in the marriage.
GorillaTheater Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Gutted for you Me too, UKMan. I'm very sorry. It's heart-wrenching. But your path is clear. Not easy, or necessarily simple, but clear. 1
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