wife wants time to think but seeing someone else

[PegNosePete]

Those friends chose their side. They are expendable.

What? Why do they have to choose a side, can't they remain friends with both parties? Were they aware that simply accepting an invitation for dinner in a pub was choosing a side? They just went for dinner. They aren't being called as witnesses to testify against OP. There are no "sides" here.

 

OP get your sh*t together. Stop acting like a reckless idiot. By making this kind of scene you are not going to win any friends or support. You're rapidly losing the moral high ground. STOP IT.

[ThorntonMelon]

Those friends chose their side. They are expendable.

 

Very rare I make a statement like this; But this advice is flat out wrong. They may be expendable, but just the act of trying to be friends with someone they care about is hardly expendable.

[Chi townD]

Sorry, but I hate say it! I kinda feel for OP in regards to their good friends. He's hurt and alone. When he found out that they were going out to dinner and drinks with her affair partner. Can't say I blame the way he feels. And I'm pretty sure the majority of all of you would feel betrayed if you were in his shoes. And they knew they were wrong on how it was handled. They probably couldn't even look the OP in the face.

 

 

I'm not going to say that he was right or wrong. But, apparently that's what he felt he had to do.

 

 

I'm just wondering what reaction the douche rocket had when confronted by the husband. Probably pissed himself a little.

[USMCHokie]

What? Why do they have to choose a side, can't they remain friends with both parties? Were they aware that simply accepting an invitation for dinner in a pub was choosing a side? They just went for dinner. They aren't being called as witnesses to testify against OP. There are no "sides" here.

 

That's just my personal feeling on the matter. I can't imagine even wanting to be friends with folks that would support an affair of my partner. Again, I'm not so desperate or lacking in friendship that I'd feel compelled to continue the friendship.

 

Here's how it'd go down if it were my true friends (in real life):

 

Her: Hey, thanks for coming out for dinner, this is my OM.

 

Friends: Who is this f*cking clown?

 

Her: Oh, I'm banging him instead of my husband.

 

Friend: Wow, you must suck at life. See ya later.

 

So yea, I consider a rather straightforward test of friendship.

[USMCHokie]

Really... And is it also that obvious and simple with his daughter?

 

I don't have kids, but I also don't see how a child could be supportive of this. If I had a daughter and she supported this arrangement, then I would speculate that my relationship with my daughter was never a strong one to begin with and that there was a problem long before the affair...

[Beechy1973]

Wise words from Thorntonmelon.

 

UkMan - please remember things do get easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it may not seem that way at present.

 

I was in a similar position to you not that long ago. I have focused on myself and it gets easier.

 

My ex wife even text me recently saying she still loved me; never thought I'd say it but I don't have those feelings for her any more and I told her so.

 

Always thought I'd get some satisfaction from that but all I felt was sadness and pity.

 

Keep trying new thinks and focusing on yourself and your own development and you will get there, I promise.

 

Beechy

[Tayken]

OP...You will be stupid to actual believe that your ex who has chose to seeing someone else, will come back or still loves you.

 

Unless you like being cockhold, then count your loses and move on.

[PegNosePete]

Here's how it'd go down if it were my true friends (in real life):

 

Her: Hey, thanks for coming out for dinner, this is my OM.

 

Friends: Who is this f*cking clown?

 

Her: Oh, I'm banging him instead of my husband.

 

Friend: Wow, you must suck at life. See ya later.

That's quite some active imagination you've got there. Here's a much more likely way it went down - assuming the friends were friends of both parties, and wanted to remain so.

 

Her: Hey, it's been a while. Would you guys like to come to dinner with me and my daughter? Oh and you know I've been separated from my husband, well my new bf will be there too, you can meet him. It'll be fun.

 

Friends: Oh err, well we wouldn't want UK Man to think we're choosing sides. We'd like to carry on being friends with both of you.

 

Her: Yeah no problem. I don't expect you to stop being his friends and promise not to put you in an any awkward situations. You can go to dinner with him (and his new gf if he has one), any time you like.

 

Friends: Sounds reasonable. See you at 8.

[UK Man]

That's quite some active imagination you've got there. Here's a much more likely way it went down - assuming the friends were friends of both parties, and wanted to remain so.

 

Her: Hey, it's been a while. Would you guys like to come to dinner with me and my daughter? Oh and you know I've been separated from my husband, well my new bf will be there too, you can meet him. It'll be fun.

 

Friends: Oh err, well we wouldn't want UK Man to think we're choosing sides. We'd like to carry on being friends with both of you.

 

Her: Yeah no problem. I don't expect you to stop being his friends and promise not to put you in an any awkward situations. You can go to dinner with him (and his new gf if he has one), any time you like.

 

Friends: Sounds reasonable. See you at 8.

 

 

Pete

 

This Scenario would have been OK if the other spouse wasn't still suffering like me

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and I left her and I knew she was still very upset and down about it all , I would never bring my new girlfriend ( not that I will for ages ) out with our friends and kids as I knew it would hurt her even worse doing so

 

I do have morals , clearly she and the others don't

[PegNosePete]

If the shoe was on the other foot and I left her and I knew she was still very upset and down about it all , I would never bring my new girlfriend ( not that I will for ages ) out with our friends and kids as I knew it would hurt her even worse doing so

Yes, your wife is an evil witch. Nobody is disagreeing with you on this point.

 

But your friends, I don't think they did anything wrong here. They presumably want to remain friends with both you and your wife, and so accepting a dinner invite (from either of you) should be fine.

[Chi townD]

I'll be honest again. I would hope that my friends wouldn't do this kind of thing. I would hope that our mutual friends would recognize that things are still very raw and would wait till the dust settles and both parties have settled into their new lives apart from each other.

 

 

But that's just me.

[Tayken]

I'll be honest again. I would hope that my friends wouldn't do this kind of thing. I would hope that our mutual friends would recognize that things are still very raw and would wait till the dust settles and both parties have settled into their new lives apart from each other.

 

 

But that's just me.

 

I hear ya....I know this woman right now who's husband left her for her best friend she works with. This is a friend that use to come hangout at their house...both parties have 2 kids each.

 

Makes you wonder how long that has been going on, and all those visits under the pretense of coming to see her "best friend".

 

However, this woman has decided instead to do OLD, and is just jumping from one guy to another

[Trimmer]

I can absolutely understand both sides on the friends issue. I don't come down firmly on either side, simply on principle - you'll have to make the call for yourself whether you can see the big picture and keep them as "separate" from your wife, or whether you can't accept their presence in her life.

 

I'm more concerned with the daughter issue... You can't say that her going to this thing is "support" (as Hokie asserted); the most you know is that it's acquiescence - she agreed to go. And given that her other option was to shun her mother, at a time when she may be very unsure of her individual relationships with each of you, I don't know that it's fair to frame her presence as "supporting" what your ex is doing, nor to take it as a betrayal of your daughter towards you (which is how it sounds when you say you have "forgiven" your daughter.)

 

You've now put her in a position where she has to choose her loyalties between the two of you. She shuns her mother, or she lies to you. I don't know, that's the ONE thing that I have always been really careful of with my kids - my attitude (yes, even when I was miserably hurting - in seemingly constant pain) is that they need to have solid relationships with both parents, and that they get to decide for themselves what those relationships look like, and that I will trust them and support them in continuing whatever relationship they choose to develop with their mother (yes, who left me for someone else) and not take it as a judgment on me, or expect them to take sides, or anything like that. They get to be their own people, and they are not obliged to take care of me, protect me, or line up on my side against their mother.

 

I can understand how you're hurt by your daughter's presence there, and I'm not saying mine is the only way to look at it, but this was the one area where I was willing to "take the bullet" - to allow my kids to stay out of our relationship dynamic, so they could continue to decide how they wanted their relationships to develop with each parent. YMMV.

 

Please understand: I support you strongly, and I understand you're going through hell... I understand it from having been there myself. But keeping my kids out of it was one area where I was willing to take the bullet.

Edited August 8, 2014 by Trimmer

[Astrolink]

Your marriage is over. Accept it. Get the divorce going NOW. And, no contact with your wife. NONE. You will see her in court.

 

You will grow a set by doing it this way. Don't let your pity, false hope and emotionality cloud you. GET A DIVORCE.

 

The healing then begins.

[Mittens]

When my parents separated after 22 years of marriage (whilst I was on my honeymoon, I was just 21) my mother used emotional blackmail to such an extent that I've not seen my father in 25 years.

 

My father left for another woman, so my mother was out for revenge and she used her 3 children as weapons. Looking back, I wish that I had had more of a backbone not to let her use me in such a fashion. I don't have much of a relationship with her now, either. I moved 17000 miles away, to the other side of the world to get away from her.

 

You don't get to dictate the relationship your daughter has with her mother. Your divorce from your wife does not stop her being a mother.

 

It's not all about you.

[Chi townD]

When my parents separated after 22 years of marriage (whilst I was on my honeymoon, I was just 21) my mother used emotional blackmail to such an extent that I've not seen my father in 25 years.

 

My father left for another woman, so my mother was out for revenge and she used her 3 children as weapons. Looking back, I wish that I had had more of a backbone not to let her use me in such a fashion. I don't have much of a relationship with her now, either. I moved 17000 miles away, to the other side of the world to get away from her.

 

You don't get to dictate the relationship your daughter has with her mother. Your divorce from your wife does not stop her being a mother.

 

It's not all about you.

 

 

 

I understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry that happened to you. But, in your opinion, don't you think that things are a bit raw right now? I mean, they're not even divorced and she sleeping with another man. Given your experience (and I'm not trying to be an ass here, I think your opinion of someone that's when through this is invaluable here), if this was your family and the situation was different, would you be able to sit and enjoy a meal and drinks with the woman that was tearing your parents; your family apart?

 

 

Even if your mother and father wasn't even divorced yet? Your father doesn't see the devastation that he's inflicted on your mother and yet he expects you to have an enjoyable evening with him and his lover? Wouldn't that hurt you as their daughter? Wouldn't you hold any resentment towards them?

 

 

Again, not trying to be an ass, I just want to know your opinion as someone that's been in a similar situation.

[No Limit]

If the shoe was on the other foot and I left her and I knew she was still very upset and down about it all , I would never bring my new girlfriend ( not that I will for ages ) out with our friends and kids as I knew it would hurt her even worse doing so

 

I do have morals , clearly she and the others don't

 

No, you wouldn't. Nobody that deep in the affair fog like your ex would ever give a damn about morals or politeness.

 

This is what you need to understand. She isn't doing this to hurt you, she doesn't think about you at all. She's focusing on herself and the oh so great Disneyland-life she's picturing herself in with that other guy, a little house in the country maybe and a white picket fence and maybe some bunnies flying around...

 

Sounds crazy to you? It is crazy and far from reality, but people like her don't get that. Hence why you dodged a real big bullet. The only thing waiting for you if you ever got back with her would be a colorful rainbow of STDs, and you don't need that.

[Trimmer]

You don't get to dictate the relationship your daughter has with her mother. Your divorce from your wife does not stop her being a mother.

 

It's not all about you.

Just to be clear, I agree with the fundamental message here, but I think this may come across a little rough. I didn't want to start a "Pile on UKMan" scenario here... Things are a bit raw and still developing right now, so I'm not ready to take him to task for making it "all about him," as that's an understandable instinct when you are devastatingly hurt. And as a matter of fact, it is almost all about him, because he's the one getting reamed here, and the one who is going to have to struggle - on his own - to recover.

 

What I was trying to do - a little more gently - was open his eyes to another perspective that his daughter also has both an individual stake in the outcome, as well as possibly a level of confusion and hurt of her own that he may not be taking into account. And just because she went to the dinner and doesn't shun her mother doesn't mean that she is supporting the mother's behavior, or that she's lining up against him.

 

I understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry that happened to you. But, in your opinion, don't you think that things are a bit raw right now? I mean, they're not even divorced and she sleeping with another man. Given your experience (and I'm not trying to be an ass here, I think your opinion of someone that's when through this is invaluable here), if this was your family and the situation was different, would you be able to sit and enjoy a meal and drinks with the woman that was tearing your parents; your family apart?

I hear your points, but my response is: who said she "enjoyed it"? My point earlier is that all we know is that she went and was present. And all we are sure of is that this means she isn't rejecting her mother.

 

But that doesn't mean she approves, that doesn't mean she enjoys the situation, that doesn't mean that she is rejecting or lining up against her father.

 

UKMan doesn't have any control over what the mother does, but I believe the daughter's relationship with BOTH parents will be best served if UKMan (a) doesn't put her in a position to choose sides or loyalties, (b) doesn't take her continued relationship with her mother as some kind of approval or validation of the behavior of his wife; © doesn't assume that the daughter is happy and enjoying this any more than he is: she may well be confused and afraid, and "showing up" just to avoid messing up the situation any further than it already clearly is.

 

Indeed, maybe it's not all about him, but it is largely about him, so I understand his distress. At the same time, I encourage him to consider the long-term effects of his emotional choices about how he interacts with his daughter. My suggestions: allow her to have the relationship she chooses with her mother; support your daughter in continuing to have that relationship, for her own benefit. And cherish and nurture your own relationship with her. And finally, so as not to compromise either of those things, don't draw a line in the sand, and make her choose which side she's going to be on.

[Chi townD]

 

I hear your points, but my response is: who said she "enjoyed it"? My point earlier is that all we know is that she went and was present. And all we are sure of is that this means she isn't rejecting her mother.

 

But that doesn't mean she approves, that doesn't mean she enjoys the situation, that doesn't mean that she is rejecting or lining up against her father.

 

UKMan doesn't have any control over what the mother does, but I believe the daughter's relationship with BOTH parents will be best served if UKMan (a) doesn't put her in a position to choose sides or loyalties, (b) doesn't take her continued relationship with her mother as some kind of approval or validation of the behavior of his wife; © doesn't assume that the daughter is happy and enjoying this any more than he is: she may well be confused and afraid, and "showing up" just to avoid messing up the situation any further than it already clearly is.

 

 

 

That's why I was asking Mittens her opinion on the situation as a daughter that has gone through something this devastating. Not as a bashing, but more of a curiosity. Because, I have never been through a situation like this before and she has.

[2sunny]

Your W will do what she does.

 

Friends don't need to pick sides.

 

Carry on with your new life by finding happiness again. Happiness on your own!

 

She will continue being terrible but it doesn't mean you have to participate!

 

 

Keep moving forward by doing NEW things that YOU enjoy!

[Beechy1973]

How's things UKMan?

 

I hope you are finding some peace in life.

[UK Man]

Hello All , OP here

 

Thought I would give you an update...........

 

I'm sure there are many of you who remember my plight . Well my divorce came through in February and the house sold in March

 

Those of you that remember , my ex wife left me in March of last year (2014) and took up shortly after with that Army man......... or before if the truth be known ! who knows the real truth !

 

Well they moved off the Army base at Christmas and into a rented house........and then guess what , they married 4 weeks ago !!! 2 months after the divorce

 

One bit of good news is that he is getting posted 6 hours drive away next week and she is going with him too

 

Leaving behind her family here , but told my daughter she will come back to visit every 6 weeks for a weekend

 

It was a huge shock for me and quite a blow her getting married . I was surprised especially as he is 15 years younger than her

 

She even had the wedding without my Son attending as he is in the military and is currently overseas until August

 

I'm still struggling with everything that has happened , I won't lie . It isn't easy . I have been on a few dates , but just don't feel right yet . When will the thoughts of my past life and the hurt she caused me pass ? it's been 14 months now since she left , but so much has happened in that time

 

Best Wishes

[Trimmer]

Well UK, it's a long haul. The best advice I have for you is to settle in and accept that you will feel the grief and loss. But also, the best you can, try to continue breaking the emotional ties to the past, and keep yourself focused on moving forward.

 

Trying to learn about what she is doing, trying to figure out why, all that stuff: wasted energy and a drain on your psyche. It is what it is. Work on breaking the emotional ties to her, and make your goal to achieve indifference.

 

And a complementary part of that process is to be sure you are moving forward in your own life. I know when I was in your spot, it was easy to both (a) dwell on my misery and my ties to my ex-wife, and (b) allow that to keep me from actively moving forward in my life.

 

You are now the chief of your life, so make sure you are looking forward, and taking an active role in the development of whatever comes next. And this includes your relationships with your kids.

 

I'm not claiming that all of this is obvious or easy, but every bit of energy you put into doing something developmental and forward-looking in your life is also energy that isn't going into looking back and agonizing over what she did and why. Swing as much of that energy forward - to new growth and development - and start moving forward within your life again.

 

Speaking of all that, and of positive, forward progress, how are things with your daughter?

[UK Man]

Thanks Trimmer , nice reply and words

 

Well I have decided to bite the bullet regarding the daughter . Even though she never told me about the pending marriage , it was my son who did that . I thought if I don't try and forget about what she has done , I will loose her and the grand children as well

 

I haven't mentioned my son at all......... he never saw my ex wife's douche until 8 months after our split , he told me he did this out of respect for me , as I expect he told me about the marriage for the same reason. Good son , good morals ......never took sides which is what I only wanted from the start

 

Onwards and upwards ........I'm buying my own apartment in a lovely area of town . Bought it cheap as it was a reposession / foreclosure . needs a lot of work , but once its been done / refurbished , I will have made the money back that I had to give my ex wife to keep my Military pension !

 

Good luck to you all

Edited May 21, 2015 by UK Man

[GorillaTheater]

Good to hear from you, UK Man.

 

Gotta admit I'm surprised that Armydouche married her.

 

Are you taking good care of yourself?