wife wants time to think but seeing someone else

[PegNosePete]

Incidentally if she does stop paying the mortgage, and if you can't afford to pay it all and all the bills, and assuming your wife has spare money each month (she is living rent free and has a job), then you could apply for (or ask a solicitor about) maintenance pending suit. It's normally the woman who applies for this but if the figures are right then there's no reason you couldn't get it; there's nothing in law to differentiate between the man and the woman.

 

If she carries on paying it you're probably better off not bothering with that, though.

 

Basically what you need to do is SHOCK AND AWE... show your wife that you know what you're talking about and will not take any of her crap, or give her any quarter. She has made her bed, now it's time to show her what she's lying in.

[UK Man]

thanks for replies . she is not living rent free . costs her about £400 a month including all bills . if she stops paying mortgage she will have around £580 a month left over after food

 

i have a credit card bill in my name on interest free that we used to renovate our last property . she has hinted she will not pay me half of this like she said she would when the house sells when she first left

 

I dont think I can do anything about this as its in my name

 

god its such a mess

[PegNosePete]

See. A. Solicitor.

 

Debts and assets are all taken into account, you can't just say this is in name X this is in name Y because all assets and debts, whoever's name they are in, are marital assets.

 

Eg: if there's £50k equity in the house and £20k credit card debt then you would both share BOTH, no matter whose name they are in. The £20k debt would be deducted from the house equity leaving £30k which is THEN split between you, £15k each. BUT if you sold the house and had half each, ie. £25k to her and £25k to you, then good luck getting her to pay half the debt because it's not going to happen!!!

 

This is why you should NOT sell the house before a financial agreement is all signed and sealed by the courts!!! No wonder she wants to sell the house at a knockdown price. She wants her money before you realize that you can get a MUCH better deal, and by then it will be too late! It's quite likely that she's already seen a solicitor for advice, which puts you at an immediate disadvantage. Remember this is WAR! Don't give her ANYTHING until you've taken legal advice!!!!!

 

Did I mention... SEE A SOLICITOR!!!

 

Oh and while you're at it, see a solicitor.

Edited June 23, 2014 by PegNosePete

[SoleMate]

Hmmm, I don't know that it has to be war, or that war is in UKMan's interest, but each person should be looking out for their own interest. Job 1 is to stop taking legal/financial advice from the Internet and get competent legal advice from a practitioner in your jurisdiction.

[UK Man]

See. A. Solicitor.

 

Debts and assets are all taken into account, you can't just say this is in name X this is in name Y because all assets and debts, whoever's name they are in, are marital assets.

 

Eg: if there's £50k equity in the house and £20k credit card debt then you would both share BOTH, no matter whose name they are in. The £20k debt would be deducted from the house equity leaving £30k which is THEN split between you, £15k each. BUT if you sold the house and had half each, ie. £25k to her and £25k to you, then good luck getting her to pay half the debt because it's not going to happen!!!

 

This is why you should NOT sell the house before a financial agreement is all signed and sealed by the courts!!! No wonder she wants to sell the house at a knockdown price. She wants her money before you realize that you can get a MUCH better deal, and by then it will be too late! It's quite likely that she's already seen a solicitor for advice, which puts you at an immediate disadvantage. Remember this is WAR! Don't give her ANYTHING until you've taken legal advice!!!!!

 

Did I mention... SEE A SOLICITOR!!!

 

Oh and while you're at it, see a solicitor.

 

Her share to pay me is around 7k . the equity in the house is around 200k

 

I have a forces pension in payment too . this is going to cause some grief I'm sure

[PegNosePete]

I don't mean war as in fighting the courts for every penny. That is often not economical. But it is WAR as in, she is clearly playing hardball. She has taken legal advice and is acting on it, possibly quite sneakily. You're at a serious disadvantage here because you haven't. She seems to want her share of the money from the house ASAP which means that selling the house quickly (even below market value) is in her best interests. Whatever line she's telling you about just wanting it over and done with is a lie, she wants it sold NOW because she will get the best deal if it's sold now. And if she's getting the best deal, you can bet that you're getting the worst one.

 

Yes if it's a long marriage then you may have to bite the bullet and do some pride swallowing regarding your pension. But this is yet another negotiating chip you have, and a reason NOT to sell the house quickly. They are all bargaining chips because in divorce it's basically one big haggling match. You could say for example, that you will take on the whole credit card debt if she relinquishes her claim on your pension.

 

See a solicitor!!!

[Beechy1973]

Well done for getting through the baptism.

 

Please remember things will get easier. In the meantime keep NC and don't let her see you're bothered. Don't sacrifice any of your dignity needlessly.

 

Remember that guilt is the enemy. You strike me as man who will suffer with guilt. Don't waste your time.

[Trimmer]

she couldn't have made her mind up that quick about the OM ? Unless I pissed her off with the argument we had and she had enough of me

 

if she wanted me as the back up plan , you would have thought she would have kept me on the burner for a month or more

 

She told my daughter the other day that she wouldn't have me back , even if there wasn't anyone else involved . and that she was doing this for her , in this I presume leaving me and having her own life

Look, man - you cannot count on ANYTHING she says being the truth. When she told you she needed to think, it was probably a lie, which got you to be docile and quiet for a while, and that served her purposes.

 

You are looking at individual things she says as facts and agonizing over trying to figure them out. You need to understand that you cannot count on anything she said as being true or reliable. Whether it's the length of time a relationship happened, whether it's that she wanted to think about the marriage for a while, whether it's that they just kissed and cuddled - anything. The reason it's confusing is because most of it is probably not true, and was fabricated to keep you quiet and to minimize your interference with her exit plan.

 

I hate what she is doing with the other man . It actually disgusts me now . But I still miss her !

Whoever suggested the approach that your wife is gone, and now you only have the evil twin - that's a good metaphor. What you miss is the wife you thought you had, and you should grieve that loss, but don't agonize over what the evil twin is doing, thinking, feeling. She's a different person now - you need to disconnect and separate.

 

Speak to this new character as a business partner when you need to work on selling the home, negotiate honorably with her across the table as you work out your divorce settlement, and after that, you can minimize your contact with her.

 

Don't wait around for her to dictate how things should go, and DON'T accept anything she says as a measure of your value. You are now an individual, and her opinion is not a factor in your self-image or value. (I know this is hard, but it's your goal. I've been right where you are.)

 

=====================================

 

Final thought, and this is very important: Can you please respond and acknowledge that you understand how important it is to find yourself a good solicitor? I fully agree with the other posters on this point, but I haven't really seen you acknowledge it. I'm concerned that you might not be treating this with the urgency it deserves, and if that's the case, please be honest and tell us, so we can whack you on the side of the head and try to get through to you that you don't want to let any part of this process get ahead of you. You need competent, expert legal advice (not from the internet!.) Decisions you make NOW and actions you take NOW may have consequences. (The sale of your house, for example...) Find out NOW.

 

Please let us know that you will get competent legal advice soon...

Edited June 25, 2014 by Trimmer

[PegNosePete]

I'm concerned that you might not be treating this with the urgency it deserves, and if that's the case, please be honest and tell us, so we can whack you on the side of the head and try to get through to you that you don't want to let any part of this process get ahead of you. You need competent, expert legal advice (not from the internet!.) Decisions you make NOW and actions you take NOW may have consequences. (The sale of your house, for example...) Find out NOW.

+1 to that.

 

You don't necessarily have to take on a solicitor's services on a paid basis but pretty much all of them will do a free initial consultation, either an hour or half an hour. If you use it well, this gives you an amazing amount of knowledge and expectations, what is a good deal for you, and what you should or shouldn't do and say. They won't hassle you to use them on a paid basis at all, but if you do decide you can't do it alone, you'll already know which solicitor you liked best and which thought they could get you the best deal. I went for 3 initial consultations for my divorce and I'm very glad I did. The first one basically said you're screwed. The second was very optimistic but seemed to want a fight too much, and the 3rd thought I had a good case and was pragmatic about getting it solved. When my ex refused to negotiate, I went with the 3rd.

Edited June 25, 2014 by PegNosePete

[ThorntonMelon]

UK Man - I am hoping that as I am only repeating what so many others on here have said that you might read this and have it sink in.

 

You are grieving terribly. Which is totally normal. If you were of right mind and a friend had this happening you would likely give the same advice you're getting here. If a man was doing this to your daughter or if someone someday did this to your grandkids, you'd be enraged seeing it happen.

 

You are looking for answers. The problem is that there isn't a question. And that is OK.

 

You're out of your right mind right now. Seriously. You're completely mentally insane and have been from the entirety of this thread and your others. And all of us divorced people have been for a time. What we want more than anything is to have this time to be insane, while competent, reasonable, objective people take care of us because we are in NO shape to make decisions of any kind.

 

Which is why we hire lawyers. And get therapists.

 

I know I don't know you. But I've seen enough people who refuse to accept reality and protect themselves to know it is either because you're scared that this will all feel more real, or because you think getting your own lawyer will somehow push her away further.

 

Honestly, you should be banned from LS until you hire a lawyer and see a therapist, not because I and everyone else doesn't want to read your posts and be here for you, but because you literally are pissing your life away in this state. Please, please, please, please let others do the heavy lifting for you while you grieve, Your kids and grandkids need you to make good decisions for you.

[UK Man]

Thanks everyone for the replies

 

I am ringing up a solicitor tomorrow for a consultation next week

I won't be walked over , I will be fair though. If she wants more than fair it may go to court

 

I know I have to look after myself from now on , but I am hoping we can sort this out between us rather than spend thousands on legal fees

 

To be honest , I am no better . I want to get strong but I don't know how to

I will have no contact apart from email and only regarding the house and finances . As I feel an email isn't as personal as a text , phone call or meeting face to face

 

It was her birthday today . I expect her new man brought her out for a meal and ........... you know . But it's no concern to me anymore , but I wish I could tell my brain to stop thinking

 

I am consumed by her . I think of her every minute of my waking day and even have dreams some nights and I am sick of it really sick of it . I just want it all to go away

 

I shouldn't love her but hate her , but can't and don't know how to stop

 

I suppose it doesn't matter if she was seeing him before she left or 6 weeks after like she said , she still doesn't want me . Must have detached a year or two ago . But why the hell didn't she talk to me then and say what she was feeling so we could work things out or try even

 

Thanks for your support I appreciate it

[Trimmer]

Thanks everyone for the replies

 

I am ringing up a solicitor tomorrow for a consultation next week

I won't be walked over , I will be fair though. If she wants more than fair it may go to court

 

I know I have to look after myself from now on , but I am hoping we can sort this out between us rather than spend thousands on legal fees

 

To be honest , I am no better . I want to get strong but I don't know how to

I will have no contact apart from email and only regarding the house and finances . As I feel an email isn't as personal as a text , phone call or meeting face to face

 

It was her birthday today . I expect her new man brought her out for a meal and ........... you know . But it's no concern to me anymore , but I wish I could tell my brain to stop thinking

 

I am consumed by her . I think of her every minute of my waking day and even have dreams some nights and I am sick of it really sick of it . I just want it all to go away

 

I shouldn't love her but hate her , but can't and don't know how to stop

 

I suppose it doesn't matter if she was seeing him before she left or 6 weeks after like she said , she still doesn't want me . Must have detached a year or two ago . But why the hell didn't she talk to me then and say what she was feeling so we could work things out or try even

 

Thanks for your support I appreciate it

I know it probably doesn't feel any better yet, but a lot of the things you are saying are starting to make sense; I can sense you pulling things together and starting - starting - to see things more clearly, even if you still feel like you're being torn apart.

 

Look for little, tiny moments of hope. Brief bits of calm. You may start to notice these at some point. One morning, when I was in my depths, I saw a sunrise and for a short moment enjoyed it's beauty and felt OK for a bit. What I found was that over time, I noticed more of these moments, and they stuck around for longer periods, and that progressed more and more as time went on. It's a slow process at times, but you WILL move forward - you are doing so already, man!

 

I understand what you are saying about being strong but fair - that was my approach, too, and it got the attention and respect of my ex, and although I didn't want or need her respect to validate me, it did mean we were able to have a relatively smooth negotiation of the terms of our dissolution. Strong and fair is a good way to enter that process, because it allows the other person to take the same approach - if they are at all inclined to do so.

 

Also, I fully applaud and support your going and getting educated with one or more legal experts. To be able to "sort it out between you" is what we managed to do, but it was important that we were both educated about the legal aspects, and we both had someone we could go to to answer questions. In my location (my particular state in the US) I actually created and filed all the paperwork myself, but I did start with an education from an attorney, I encouraged my ex to do the same so she would be confident she had a realistic view of the process, and I checked in with my attorney for a 15-30 minute visit at several major milestones along the way (usually before filing an important document) so he could proofread and make sure I had covered everything.

 

So reach a strong position by getting educated; you may even find it relieves some of your stress and anxiety to get yourself some solid answers.

 

Good luck to you. I've been there, and I damn well didn't like it either, but you are on the path out, and things do get progressively better.

[OwnedByCats]

I went through a divorce in the UK ... it was one of the simplest things I ever did actually lol, but that was because my ex-husband and I had our own agreements about our assets/money - we were actually allowed to do that without the need for a solicitor. I am from the United States (he is British) and I planned on returning to the US once our divorce was final, so I let him keep the house, the car etc. We had no children so no custody issues. We even agreed on who got which pets, so our divorce only took 4 months. We had been married 8 years so the 12 month time frame was well passed and we certainly didn't need to be separated any length of time before we could do it. So as I said, we never hired solicitors. BUT ours was completely amicable, the friendliest divorce in history I think, so we had no need to hire them. I don't even think we had to give a reason either when we filed, or I should say when he filed as I wasn't interested in being the petitioner since there was no need for leverage purposes. At least there really isn't a particular thing listed on my decrees. So I can say from experience, it doesn't have to be adultery, or necessarly even unreasonable behavior. We didn't have to show any proof that we had grounds for divorce, but it's probably very different if you both are not going into it amicably, though it sounds like the decision is mutual between you. Of course if you think you need a solicitor, they might be able to advise grounds that might make it more advantageous for you regarding assets - IF that could even be used as a factor in helping you retain as much of your own assets as you can.

 

The only way this could get messy is if you are battling about assets or money (as your children are grown), in that case you should hire a solicitor if you and her can't come to your own agreements on how everything should be split. If you can come to one on your own, that would save you money on fees for solicitors, but that's only if what YOU want is what she will be agreeable to. If she's expecting anything you feel is unfair or unreasonable, by all means get a solicitor. Don't allow yourself to get badly buggered in the whole process.

 

Hopefully it will all go smoothly for you. By all means get a free consult because there may be other extenuating circumstances in your case that wasn't a problem for me. Then decide if proceeding with a solicitor is necessary, but you'd obviously need to talk to her to straighten out a mutual agreement, if it's even possible for you to do so. She may have hired one already.

 

I have to say, divorce in the UK seems so much simpler than here in the US and usually takes a lot less time! Four months for me uncontested .... took me longer to plan my wedding! That's an odd thing for me as divorces I have witnessed here seem to drag on for years sometimes while lawyers battle it out, even in some cases that aren't too messy. It was hugely cheaper in the UK too. If you have a divorce where you agree with one another and no solicitors .... it hardly costs anything to file.

 

Good luck!

Edited June 26, 2014 by OwnedByCats

[Trimmer]

We didn't have to show any proof that we had grounds for divorce, but it's probably very different if you both are not going into it amicably, though it sounds like the decision is mutual between you.

Note that a mutual decision does not necessarily guarantee an amicable dynamic, though... Those are two different things.

 

I have to say, divorce in the UK seems so much simpler than here in the US and usually takes a lot less time! Four months for me uncontested .... took me longer to plan my wedding! That's an odd thing for me as divorces I have witnessed here seem to drag on for years sometimes while lawyers battle it out, even in some cases that aren't too messy. It was hugely cheaper in the UK too. If you have a divorce where you agree with one another and no solicitors .... it hardly costs anything to file.

I wonder if your impression of US divorces is mostly based on the popular impression that they are always hostile legal battles in court, with intractable disagreements over property, custody, etc. My divorce here in the US was much like yours: even though the decision started out being one-sided (hers) we both chose to make it amicable and worked out the entire thing between us. We used attorneys initially to educate ourselves - and I believe that was worth it because it grounded both of us in reality - so we were both confident we understood what was going on.

 

Other than paying my attorney for a very small amount of time to proofread a few documents before I filed them (out of an abundance of caution, so I wouldn't screw anything up, since I completed the documents myself from boilerplate I downloaded for free from our county superior court website) and a couple of minimal "filing fees" at the county recorder, there were no other costs at all. And we have two kids, so we had a parenting plan involved in the process, as well as two houses (at the time) and assets like retirement funds, etc.

 

So my personal experience is that, given your conditions (totally amicable, with both parties just wanting to work things out, and negotiating in good faith), a divorce in the US can be quick and nearly free, with no lawyers even talking to each other, let alone battling in court. It seems like it's not about the UK process vs the US process, but much more dependent on the dynamic between the people involved.

Edited June 26, 2014 by Trimmer

[PegNosePete]

I don't even think we had to give a reason either when we filed, or I should say when he filed as I wasn't interested in being the petitioner since there was no need for leverage purposes. At least there really isn't a particular thing listed on my decrees. So I can say from experience, it doesn't have to be adultery, or necessarly even unreasonable behavior.

Sorry, most of that's just plain wrong. It is true that the respondent doesn't really need to do much. Just sign the acknowledgement, return it to the court, and wait.

 

The petitioner must choose one (or more... but there's absolutely no reason to choose more than 1) of the 5 grounds for divorce. The most common by far are 2 years separation or unreasonable behaviour. The other 3 (desertion, 5 years separation or adultery) do not make sense except in extreme circumstances. If you don't want to wait 2 years then that leaves UB. There is no other option.

 

The grounds are not listed on the decree absolute, that is true. But they are required to obtain decree nisi.

 

There are no "leverage purposes" for being petitioner. Well not if you have good intentions, anyway. It's possible that the petitioner can delay the divorce if they choose, for many reasons, maybe some might call this leverage. But if both parties want the divorce it doesn't make sense to do this. Being petitioner puts you in the driving seat. Generally it's best for the person who wants the divorce most, to be petitioner.

 

We didn't have to show any proof that we had grounds for divorce, but it's probably very different if you both are not going into it amicably, though it sounds like the decision is mutual between you.

Nope, this is totally wrong. To get a divorce in the UK you need to use one of the 5 grounds. There is no other way, no matter how amicable you are.

 

Of course if you think you need a solicitor, they might be able to advise grounds that might make it more advantageous for you regarding assets - IF that could even be used as a factor in helping you retain as much of your own assets as you can.

No, the grounds for divorce have absolutely no bearing in the resolution of financial issues.

 

If you have a divorce where you agree with one another and no solicitors .... it hardly costs anything to file.

Yes, this is true. Last i checked, £385 for filing and £45 for decree absolute. It may have gone up since then, but I doubt by much.

[OwnedByCats]

Sorry, most of that's just plain wrong. It is true that the respondent doesn't really need to do much. Just sign the acknowledgement, return it to the court, and wait.

 

The petitioner must choose one (or more... but there's absolutely no reason to choose more than 1) of the 5 grounds for divorce. The most common by far are 2 years separation or unreasonable behaviour. The other 3 (desertion, 5 years separation or adultery) do not make sense except in extreme circumstances. If you don't want to wait 2 years then that leaves UB. There is no other option.

 

The grounds are not listed on the decree absolute, that is true. But they are required to obtain decree nisi.

 

There are no "leverage purposes" for being petitioner. Well not if you have good intentions, anyway. It's possible that the petitioner can delay the divorce if they choose, for many reasons, maybe some might call this leverage. But if both parties want the divorce it doesn't make sense to do this. Being petitioner puts you in the driving seat. Generally it's best for the person who wants the divorce most, to be petitioner.

 

 

Nope, this is totally wrong. To get a divorce in the UK you need to use one of the 5 grounds. There is no other way, no matter how amicable you are.

 

 

No, the grounds for divorce have absolutely no bearing in the resolution of financial issues.

 

 

Yes, this is true. Last i checked, £385 for filing and £45 for decree absolute. It may have gone up since then, but I doubt by much.

 

 

While you do need to choose of the choices they give (that's a given, I never said you could say I want divorce "just because" and not choose an option), we were not specific as to our reasons in the option we chose (unreasonable behavior), we were certainly not grilled as to what "unreasonable behavior" there was - there wasn't any, but NO other reason worked). We had no "proof" for the reasons for getting divorced. How do you prove when a couple amicably decide the marriage is over? How do you prove both parties still love each other, but not in love with each other? You can't. Everything we did was with both parties agreeable to everything, both present for everything. We both couldn't be the petitioner even though we both wanted it equally. We didn't have to explain ourselves or show anything. We just had to be agreeable, sign, and wait.

 

When people talk about getting divorced, some make it out to be very complicated when it comes to proof and what not, like they have to provide a ton of proof to be allowed to even get divorced. I was just telling the OP that if they both want a divorce, it doesn't have to be complicated and drawn out. Divorces certainly can be extremely messy, with all kinds of factors that would give you or your x "leverage", just depends on the circumstances. Which is why I always say "If" this, or "If" that. Talk to enough people, and divorces can vary differently from one to the other based on differing factors. Some come away having got a very good deal (monetarily/assets), others not so much - and some of that depends on how good the lawyers are, the judge ... and yeah, sometimes behavior during the marriage can make a difference - maybe not in the UK, but certainly in good old US of A. Divorce here most often becomes a battlefield, with all sorts of bad behavior being exposed before the separation occurred and after.

[OwnedByCats]

Note that a mutual decision does not necessarily guarantee an amicable dynamic, though... Those are two different things.

 

 

I wonder if your impression of US divorces is mostly based on the popular impression that they are always hostile legal battles in court, with intractable disagreements over property, custody, etc. My divorce here in the US was much like yours: even though the decision started out being one-sided (hers) we both chose to make it amicable and worked out the entire thing between us. We used attorneys initially to educate ourselves - and I believe that was worth it because it grounded both of us in reality - so we were both confident we understood what was going on.

 

Other than paying my attorney for a very small amount of time to proofread a few documents before I filed them (out of an abundance of caution, so I wouldn't screw anything up, since I completed the documents myself from boilerplate I downloaded for free from our county superior court website) and a couple of minimal "filing fees" at the county recorder, there were no other costs at all. And we have two kids, so we had a parenting plan involved in the process, as well as two houses (at the time) and assets like retirement funds, etc.

 

So my personal experience is that, given your conditions (totally amicable, with both parties just wanting to work things out, and negotiating in good faith), a divorce in the US can be quick and nearly free, with no lawyers even talking to each other, let alone battling in court. It seems like it's not about the UK process vs the US process, but much more dependent on the dynamic between the people involved.

 

Oh I am SURE divorces in the US can be easy and cheap, but that all depends on the couple. If they are in agreement for everything, it can be easy and cheap. But my impression of divorces here comes from family, friends (maybe they are all crazy? lol) and even reading this forum, where they battle it out for everything and becomes an expensive and complicated endeavor. Unfortunately not everyone is lucky enough to get no resistance from their STBX, agreeing on everything when it comes to assets, money and custody issues. I have seen people actually avoid divorcing because "they can't afford it", which is stupid because if they can reasonably sort out their own terms, it doesn't need to be expensive. Of course how well the couple can come together will determine how easy or difficult the process is, like you say, their "amicable dynamic". I just think more often than not, people are what makes the process a nightmare, not necessarily what we have in place to grant people divorces.

[Trimmer]

Oh I am SURE divorces in the US can be easy and cheap, but that all depends on the couple. If they are in agreement for everything, it can be easy and cheap. But my impression of divorces here comes from family, friends (maybe they are all crazy? lol) and even reading this forum, where they battle it out for everything and becomes an expensive and complicated endeavor. Unfortunately not everyone is lucky enough to get no resistance from their STBX, agreeing on everything when it comes to assets, money and custody issues. I have seen people actually avoid divorcing because "they can't afford it", which is stupid because if they can reasonably sort out their own terms, it doesn't need to be expensive. Of course how well the couple can come together will determine how easy or difficult the process is, like you say, their "amicable dynamic". I just think more often than not, people are what makes the process a nightmare, not necessarily what we have in place to grant people divorces.

I totally agree, and that was my main point: I don't think it's a "UK is simple, fast, and cheap / US is complex, drawn out, and expensive" situation - which seemed to be the essence of the comment you made in the last paragraph of your Post #138 - but rather it's dependent on the relationship and the dynamic of the people involved, regardless of which of the two countries it happens in.

[trippi1432]

I believe what OwnedByCats is referring to is more the emotional aspect of divorce in itself and not a comparison of it's easier in once country than another. PegNose, you are correct, there has to be a grounds for the Decree Nisi, in an uncontested divorce (in which the served spouse can sign or choose not to sign it really doesn't matter as the judge will rule in 30 days of being served...signed or not - US/UK doesn't matter), most uncontested divorces are resolved as irreconcilable differences or irretrievable breakdown of the marriage (same thing). This is most likely true in cases where the assets have been divided/disposed and children have aged out or there are none. It's the "people" that make it messy, no matter what continent you reside in.

[PegNosePete]

we were not specific as to our reasons in the option we chose (unreasonable behavior), we were certainly not grilled as to what "unreasonable behavior" there was - there wasn't any, but NO other reason worked). We had no "proof" for the reasons for getting divorced

I'm sorry but this is simply not how it works. When drafting a petition based on unreasonable behaviour, the petitioner MUST give reasons and specific examples of that unreasonable behaviour. It is true you will not be "grilled" and you don't need "proof"... as respondent you simply have to sign the form and return it. But the petitioner must show to the judge (in writing the petition I mean, not in person) that the respondent has acted unreasonably and that this behaviour has caused the breakdown of the marriage. Now "unreasonable" is quite subjective, it doesn't have to be soul-crushingly terrible behaviour! I have heard of petitions that used such clauses as he spends too much time at work, she buys too many shoes, he leaves the toilet seat up, etc. But the petitioner MUST show that the respondent has behaved unreasonably to be granted a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour.

 

Here's a few links to back up what I'm saying.

Unreasonable behaviour

Applying For Divorce | Divorce and Separation Support

Divorce ? Unreasonable Behaviour Can Stay A Private Matter - News - Simons Muirhead & Burton Solicitors - Lawyers

Frequently asked questions on Divorce in the UK - What are the grounds of unreasonable behaviour? | Divorce Advice from Family Law Solicitors | Divorce Rights UK, offering legal help and information supported with fixed fee and

Grounds for Divorce | Browns Advocates

 

How do you prove when a couple amicably decide the marriage is over?

The respondent does not contest the petition.

 

I was just telling the OP that if they both want a divorce, it doesn't have to be complicated and drawn out.

That is very true but you still have to comply with the law, which means you have to complete the paperwork properly. If using UB then you have to give specific examples of UB. You can't just tick the UB box and leave the details blank.

[OwnedByCats]

I'm sorry but this is simply not how it works. When drafting a petition based on unreasonable behaviour, the petitioner MUST give reasons and specific examples of that unreasonable behaviour. It is true you will not be "grilled" and you don't need "proof"... as respondent you simply have to sign the form and return it. But the petitioner must show to the judge (in writing the petition I mean, not in person) that the respondent has acted unreasonably and that this behaviour has caused the breakdown of the marriage. Now "unreasonable" is quite subjective, it doesn't have to be soul-crushingly terrible behaviour! I have heard of petitions that used such clauses as he spends too much time at work, she buys too many shoes, he leaves the toilet seat up, etc. But the petitioner MUST show that the respondent has behaved unreasonably to be granted a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour.

 

Here's a few links to back up what I'm saying.

Unreasonable behaviour

Applying For Divorce | Divorce and Separation Support

Divorce ? Unreasonable Behaviour Can Stay A Private Matter - News - Simons Muirhead & Burton Solicitors - Lawyers

Frequently asked questions on Divorce in the UK - What are the grounds of unreasonable behaviour? | Divorce Advice from Family Law Solicitors | Divorce Rights UK, offering legal help and information supported with fixed fee and

Grounds for Divorce | Browns Advocates

 

 

The respondent does not contest the petition.

 

 

That is very true but you still have to comply with the law, which means you have to complete the paperwork properly. If using UB then you have to give specific examples of UB. You can't just tick the UB box and leave the details blank.

 

Once he gets down to the paperwork he'll see he needs to list the UB, which I have seen some people think if they don't give a good enough reason, that they won't be granted a divorce or it makes the process more painful or complicated than need be. I'm simply saying that it's not so hard to give said reasons, which everyone has a reason, or multiple reasons ... like the OP I guess could say she flirted online, then later said she wanted to get a divorce and is now seeing someone else. I guess that could be UB? Would that be good enough? Obviously I didn't explain myself well enough lol. My divorce was easy, in my bad way of explaining, I didn't mean you don't have to give reasons, or pick from the choices given .... but that it can be a much less painful situation, if that's how both parties want it. I wasn't saying you were wrong here.

[OwnedByCats]

I totally agree, and that was my main point: I don't think it's a "UK is simple, fast, and cheap / US is complex, drawn out, and expensive" situation - which seemed to be the essence of the comment you made in the last paragraph of your Post #138 - but rather it's dependent on the relationship and the dynamic of the people involved, regardless of which of the two countries it happens in.

 

 

I might get in trouble for saying this, but it can seem like us Americans are more dramatic about divorce lol. I witnessed a few divorces in the UK and it seemed to go so much smoother than those I have seen happen here - even if one of them was sucker punched rather than an amicable decision (maybe it's the stiff upper lip lol). I personally have never witnessed a "smooth" divorce here, but that's not really anything to do with the legal process - their behavior is what makes it complicated and expensive. That's not to say all divorces there are smooth, I'm sure others may have seen some messy ones there.

[Beechy1973]

Maybe it would be useful to view your predicament (and pain) in this way:

 

Split the cause of how you're feeling into two parts.

 

1) You are missing your ex because you love her and you were with her for decades and have children etc.

 

However, when you were together it doesn't sound like a very good relationship for either of you. You argued, never spent much time together, rarely had sex, etc. I'm not saying there weren't any good times, but doesn't sound that loving, caring or satisfying.

 

2) You have been rejected, you are feeling guilty about the mistakes you made in the relationship and feel bad about it. Due to your wife being unfaithful and betraying you, this has made you feel unworthy and question everything, including the past and your own sense if self worth. You will be depressed and experiencing some real physical symptoms of depression. Doesn't help things.

 

Add to this that the future is now a scary blank canvass. The certainties you had before are now all gone be you are going to need to change to survive.

 

Scarey sh**!

 

My point is that most of what you are feeling now is related to point 2 - but you just don't realise this at present, as it's easier to think of your ex, to feel hurt and betrayed and like a victim.

 

This will change in time so please keep an open mind. Lots of people on this site have been where you are and we appreciate it's the most horrible feeling in the world. Just remember:

 

Things WILL get better

Things happen for a reason

One day you will look back at what's happened and smile

[UK Man]

OP Here

 

I have to admit I have stupidly been texting the wife over the last 4 days with minimal reply back . I know its over for sure and don't know why I did it

 

I ran into the wifes friend the other day . She is also a friend of mine .

 

I asked her how the wife was , don't know why but I did. She replied that she is really happy with this younger man , which hurt , but it's my own fault for asking

 

This army man is supposed to be posted away soon , about a 6/7 hour drive away . I asked my wifes friend that will probably end the relationship . Her reply was that if they want to be together they will . Her friend is very concerned for my welfare as well , but just told me I have to move on , which is true

 

But It's so hard , the woman you have been with for 25 years , is now with another and will probably fall in love with hime soon , if not already. It hurts all the more he is at least 12 years younger that her

 

I know I have become an irritation to her with the recent contact and all she wants is for me to leave her alone , which I will now . But my god I am struggling so much

[FredJones80]

UK Man,

 

I know you know all this and it has been said to death but firstly don't beat yourself up, we all lapse.

 

Is it possible you can delete her number until a point where you know you won't be tempted to text her? You can always contact her for practical things through messaging your kids surely? If it stops you lapsing then perhaps a good idea.

 

Don't worry about what your wife's friend said, she is going to be on her side.

 

Keep this picture in your mind. He is 12 years younger, soon he will get bored and find someone else, perhaps he'll even meet someone else while he is away and string your wife along.

 

However, don't expect this to happen as it may not, and even if it does, it doesn't mean she'll come back to you. However, keep this vision in your mind while you move on. Convince yourself it'll all end in tears for her.

 

If it does then you can look at her and smile inside that she gave up you, your history and your marriage for something that failed... by this point you'll already have moved on and not want her back anyway.

 

Even if it doesn't happen, if you keep that thought but keep moving forward then if it doesn't happen you'll of moved on anyway.

 

Either way you win.