ThatOneGuyThat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Right now I am on day 9 of NC, total and complete NC, no peeking on social networking sites or even looking through old messaged. Over the few days I have been keeping myself busy; working out, reading posts on this site, talking to new people. However, today I feel abandoned. I was the dumpee and believe I was left for another (GIGS). But through reading threads and posts on this site I have made numerous revelations, some of which hurt and others which benefit me (LoveShack has it's pros and cons). The revelation which appears to be affecting me mostly is the idea that what we had perhaps potential. We were at the point of the relationship where the romantic phase had somewhat dissipated and the next step in the relationship had to be taken. However, perhaps due to her maturity she confused this change in the relationship as the loss of her feelings, she "fell out of love me". As if she was under the illusion that relationships required no work, just happen and are perfect; this I believe not to be true. During the break up I quoted a statement from "The Notebook" which stated relationships required work and you must work on them all the time, to this she said she doesn't want to work. Is this her immaturity and disillusion being displayed? Perhaps she made me responsible for her happiness? She needed me to constantly cause her to have "butterflies" and once those feelings stopped the relationship had failed. Personally I feel a proper relationship, something which has been posted across the site numerously is this: "I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them. Love (and “in love”), in some respects, is a choice. Anyone who claims that they “can’t change how they feel”, or “cannot act against their feelings” is absolutely full of it. Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the “feeling” isn’t there? That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don’t, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel “in love” all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce. Expecting to always feel “in love” is expecting your partner to excite me and make you happy, always. Expecting to “just feel it” all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you. That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That’s an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit. If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow – if there truly are no redeeming qualities – I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren’t “feeling it” and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse. I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It’s bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not…sex *is* an important part of it…just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more “in love”, sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won’t feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me. I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don’t feel the connection, it’s my responsibility to communicate. If I don’t feel the attraction, it’s my responsibility to be romantic and seduce them. It’s not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship – it’s being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.” I understand that this is a stage in the coping process, so I am posting here to here some further thoughts as well as to help me cope. As Henry Miller stated: "There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature." This feeling of abandonment coupled with the feeling of replacement makes quite an unhealthy concoction. More of my story can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/474037-assistance-required and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/475871-well-i-feel-replaced-hurt
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Well unfortunately that is the nature of the beast. A lot of people put a lot of expectations on relationships at all stages including marriage and when they don't live up to those high expectations they get disappointed, ditch and find something new. Sad, but true. Every dumpee will see potential in the relationship, but if the dumper has GIGS, Grass is greener or whatever there is little you can do because they don't see the potential. I've read up a massive amount since my BU and it has helped immensely, if only to give me some understanding that I'm not to blame... after blaming myself a lot. 4
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Well unfortunately that is the nature of the beast. A lot of people put a lot of expectations on relationships at all stages including marriage and when they don't live up to those high expectations they get disappointed, ditch and find something new. Sad, but true. Yes and only more experiences will make them realize that life isn't like The Notebook or The Holiday. Sucks to be that learning experience... 2
jt27 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Yup, your story is all too familiar. My ex was of the same mindset. Didn't want to work at it and pretty much just gave up. If you don't check every box on their partner list, you are thrown aside for something that might be better. Until the role is reversed on them, they may never realize how wrong they've been. And if it isn't they may end up alone. 2
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Yes and only more experiences will make them realize that life isn't like The Notebook or The Holiday. Sucks to be that learning experience... and some will never learn Keep chasing that dream buddies...
SerCay Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 A lot of people are like your ex, my ex as well. I think they just live without thinking. They just go with it, and when things get rough, or different, they act without thinking. Surely life is easier for them, trust me, but they're also dumb. They never self-reflect. They never know WHY something is happening, just that it's happening. If they do think about it and relfect, it's when they're old and regretful. There's hope though, there are a lot of people who ARE reflecting and mature. I think most people on LS are like that. stay strong 2
Author ThatOneGuyThat Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 It appears to most this story is familiar, many have experienced this. And honestly I don't understand the mindset, life isn't perfect so why must a relationship fall to these expectations also, to me it appears selfish to put so much pressure on someone else. Especially when relationships are a two way thing, if you are not a whole how can you expect to add to a couple. Perhaps its just a step in maturity, I'm sure all of us at stages have believed in perfect love; even if we were just children. These people appear to have just not matured. 1
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It appears to most this story is familiar, many have experienced this. And honestly I don't understand the mindset, life isn't perfect so why must a relationship fall to these expectations also, to me it appears selfish to put so much pressure on someone else. Especially when relationships are a two way thing, if you are not a whole how can you expect to add to a couple. Perhaps its just a step in maturity, I'm sure all of us at stages have believed in perfect love; even if we were just children. These people appear to have just not matured. Think of what people are exposed to these days. Chick Flicks that portray relationships as these perfect little experiences. Pornography that portrays sex as this visceral experience. Social Media only portrays the good parts of someone's life. Everyone gets a trophy for participating... People don't understand what it is to fail or to work at something. Admittedly, I've noticed a lot of the relationships on LS are young couples that haven't experienced a lot but people don't know that they have to work at something these days. If I want to see a movie I can buy it on Amazon and watch it immediately. Food? delivered to my house, anything I want. Music? Youtube. Instant gratification has permeated into basic human relationships and the first sign of struggle, people GTFO. 4
jt27 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I think they just live without thinking. They just go with it, and when things get rough, or different, they act without thinking. Surely life is easier for them, trust me, but they're also dumb. They never self-reflect. They never know WHY something is happening, just that it's happening. If they do think about it and relfect, it's when they're old and regretful. This may be a combination of things including immaturity, lack of intelligence, arrogance and someone's homelife/upbringing. Immaturity = lack of life experiences Lack of intelligence = inability to think deeper, ask why or self reflect arrogance = always right, so it's much easier to not look back and regret homelife/upbringing = the catalyst for all this For these types, something catastrophic (get their heart crushed) normally needs to happen for them to reverse their simplistic thinking.
Author ThatOneGuyThat Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Think of what people are exposed to these days. Chick Flicks that portray relationships as these perfect little experiences. Pornography that portrays sex as this visceral experience. Social Media only portrays the good parts of someone's life. Everyone gets a trophy for participating... I am a great fan of chick flicks, romantic films and even pornography, more so than my ex. However, I still understand that relationships need work. But you're correct many people seem to blur the line between reality and fiction. They expect everything immediately and without effort as you mentioned. As for me, I am young, in fact very young especially compared to a majority on this site. Apparently many people my age however are disillusion on the concept of a relationship.
SerCay Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I think they just live without thinking. They just go with it, and when things get rough, or different, they act without thinking. Surely life is easier for them, trust me, but they're also dumb. They never self-reflect. They never know WHY something is happening, just that it's happening. If they do think about it and relfect, it's when they're old and regretful. This may be a combination of things including immaturity, lack of intelligence, arrogance and someone's homelife/upbringing. Immaturity = lack of life experiences Lack of intelligence = inability to think deeper, ask why or self reflect arrogance = always right, so it's much easier to not look back and regret homelife/upbringing = the catalyst for all this For these types, something catastrophic (get their heart crushed) normally needs to happen for them to reverse their simplistic thinking. true story. e.g. my ex: Immaturity = lack of life experiences > always pampered by dumber females he chose to be around therefore thinks that his girlfriend should do the same and obey him Lack of intelligence = inability to think deeper > always gets a head ache when going deeper into a matter/subject and lets it go arrogance = always right, so it's much easier to not look back and regret > see the immaturity box. I find it disturbing and I see this in a lot of handsome young men. The girlfriends they have from their puberty on are always pampering them and spoiling them as if being handsome is everything. Because they dont self reflect they get the idea from these girls that they must be always right, and never look back. homelife/upbringing = the catalyst for all this > Yup, his parents are living together but sleeping apart, living on different floors in one house. Each has their own room and spends all the time theyre at home ALONE. So living together apart, since my ex's childhood. I don't want to stray from the topic, but had to point this out. 1
Author ThatOneGuyThat Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 homelife/upbringing = the catalyst for all this > Yup, his parents are living together but sleeping apart, living on different floors in one house. Each has their own room and spends all the time theyre at home ALONE. So living together apart, since my ex's childhood. I have had a similar upbringing, and feel it has not caused me to act selfishly in a relationship. In fact I feel it has strengthened my desire to find something greater.
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Think of what people are exposed to these days. Chick Flicks that portray relationships as these perfect little experiences. Pornography that portrays sex as this visceral experience. Social Media only portrays the good parts of someone's life. Everyone gets a trophy for participating... People don't understand what it is to fail or to work at something. Admittedly, I've noticed a lot of the relationships on LS are young couples that haven't experienced a lot but people don't know that they have to work at something these days. If I want to see a movie I can buy it on Amazon and watch it immediately. Food? delivered to my house, anything I want. Music? Youtube. Instant gratification has permeated into basic human relationships and the first sign of struggle, people GTFO. I like this post
Author ThatOneGuyThat Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/203267-idea-changing#post2399592 Here is an interesting thread which harks back to many of the topics mentioned here.
RDawg Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 The funny thing is that we fell in love with these 'go with the flow so long as it's working" type of people in the first place.. Need to look out for that in the next relationship.
FredJones80 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 The funny thing is that we fell in love with these 'go with the flow so long as it's working" type of people in the first place.. Need to look out for that in the next relationship. I don't know how you'd avoid that though? It will pretty much always be working in the first place. Maybe ask about why past relationships broke down ?
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