time time time

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I also think that this will follow the path that many break ups follow. The only thing that makes it harder is the forbidden, unfinished nature of an affair.

 

I think you need more social activities, some hobby that really grabs you. Fine you are going through the motions already, but apparently you haven't found your thing yet that really draws in your attention.

 

I personally can't do much since I am on a deadline for work and my work is tedious leaving my brain open to thinking, right in time for my mourning. The worse timing ever. But believe me, when this deadline is over, I am diving head on into distraction and self growth.

 

Go for it! You can do it. This will fade.

[learning_slowly]

Sometimes, we all look at these breakups with too much importance. I know I do.

 

So I have to try and get my head around the fact I'm not sitting on a metal toilet in a cell, and I can try and improve my life.

 

People have suggested telling your partner, but really I think you have to accept that as your punishment. We had affairs, therefore we need to sort our heads out without relying on them. Why should your partner feel pain?

 

You can try and improve your relationship and hopefully you will see the goodness in that and it will replace your dwelling on the affair.

 

If your current relationship, can't do that, then maybe its time to end it.

Go out in to the world and find somebody who can take your mind off the affair.

 

But that will need you to stop relying on your partner as an emotional crutch.

Which is where you have to learn willpower and determination.

But if you do, hopefully both your life and your partner's life will have a greater chance of happiness.

 

And isn't that your ultimate goal?

[littleplanet]

(see what's become of me...)

 

Does time ever not work? To recap, I'm seven months out from the "breakup"; we kept in daily communication for about four months after that, that lessened for a bit, and now we've been NC for two months. I'm functioning, but if I'm being honest, the pain is barely less raw than it was seven months ago.

 

I'm doing all the other "stuff"; I'm in IC, I'm on meds, I'm exercising, I'm getting rid of stuff, I'm trying to keep busy. But still, it hurts just as badly as it did on day one.

 

I'm just slow, right? Each walking our own path, blah blah blah? In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right?? Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

 

Loss needs to be properly grieved.

I have one that goes back 40 years.

But in the meantime - (much to my astonishment) I ended up living a good life with a lot of love in it.

 

Wounds walk, for sure.

But stubborn hearts don't need to die....until we do.

It always helps to do something positive with the pain.

Until (whatever that is) becomes stronger than the hurt.

 

Time does what time does. You do the rest.

As deep as you went......that's how far back up you have to come to break the surface.

Like looking for a light. It's there all right.

Just requires more traveling.

No-one ever corners the market on faith. It's still more free than that penny in your pocket.

[beach]

It gets better for you when you decide to stop handing him all YOUR power.

 

It's a decision YOU make - and make FOR YOURSELF.

 

You deserve the best. Never settle.

[Owl]

CMOW...have you ever asked your husband if he'd want to know about an affair if you'd had one? If so, what did he say? If not...why not ask?

 

Just throw out a "Hey...a friend of mine asked this, (or it came up on a TV show the other day). If I had an affair, and ended it...would you want to know? Would you want to know so you could make choices based on that information, or would you rather not know, especially if it was over and done with?".

 

If he doesn't suspect anything...it's not likely to arouse suspiscion, and it would be a great piece of information for you to use in your own decision making process, one way or another.

 

Why not give him the choice of knowing or not, if you can do so without inadvertantly disclosing it against his will?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Sometimes, we all look at these breakups with too much importance. I know I do.

 

So I have to try and get my head around the fact I'm not sitting on a metal toilet in a cell, and I can try and improve my life.

 

People have suggested telling your partner, but really I think you have to accept that as your punishment. We had affairs, therefore we need to sort our heads out without relying on them. Why should your partner feel pain?

 

You can try and improve your relationship and hopefully you will see the goodness in that and it will replace your dwelling on the affair.

 

If your current relationship, can't do that, then maybe its time to end it.

Go out in to the world and find somebody who can take your mind off the affair.

 

But that will need you to stop relying on your partner as an emotional crutch.

Which is where you have to learn willpower and determination.

But if you do, hopefully both your life and your partner's life will have a greater chance of happiness.

 

And isn't that your ultimate goal?

 

agreed, agreed, agreed.

 

Also, get some books on building your current relationship. Date days are fantastic. Do a different thing and go a different place every time.

 

I think that the biggest thing that suffers is the sex. It is to compare to the intensity of an affair. Sex therapy books, reintroducing exciting, who knows what will happen sex into the marital bedroom.

[Waverly]

Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. Waverly and Mickey, how are you guys?

 

Thanks for checking in. I'm...pretty much the same. I pop in and out of LS a lot, reading more than commenting at this point. What's left to say at this point, you know? I've made a pretty epic mess of everything.

 

I apologize for not responding to the last few comments. I could see that this thread was going in the direction of whether or not to tell my husband, and so I jumped ship on it. Yes, I'm still burying my head in the sand on that topic. I'm not saying I never will tell him. I honestly don't know. But I'm also not doing it right now, so further debate wasn't really getting me anywhere.

 

Anyway, the mental stop signs and the like aren't really doing the trick for me. At this point, all I can try to do is shift my perspective a bit. I have a lot of good things in my life, and they are things of my choosing and creation. It's not as simple, of course, as writing three things that make me happy each day (or some other type of exercise) and suddenly finding everything "fixed", but I am trying to remind myself that I CHOSE this life. Unlike some, I actually knew and had feelings for my xAP before I even got married -- and I chose to marry my H anyway. I had good reasons for that...so now I need to get back to those reasons as best I can.

 

In other words: I'm still drifting. One of these days I'll get to solid ground again.

Edited June 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Owl6118]

In other words: I'm still drifting. One of these days I'll get to solid ground again.

 

I hope that for you too.

[Waverly]

I hope that for you too.

 

Why ya always gotta make me cry, Owl?

[William]

Due to a report from a member not participating in this thread, it was reviewed, edited and some members were moderated for their participation. Discussion addressing the topic is welcomed to continue within our guidelines. Thanks!

[jwi71]

Thanks for checking in. I'm...pretty much the same. I pop in and out of LS a lot, reading more than commenting at this point. What's left to say at this point, you know? I've made a pretty epic mess of everything.

 

Nothing that isn't fixable though.

 

I apologize for not responding to the last few comments. I could see that this thread was going in the direction of whether or not to tell my husband, and so I jumped ship on it. Yes, I'm still burying my head in the sand on that topic. I'm not saying I never will tell him. I honestly don't know. But I'm also not doing it right now, so further debate wasn't really getting me anywhere.

 

Choose what YOU think is best - and if you view your M as a long term situation - then think long term.

 

Anyway, the mental stop signs and the like aren't really doing the trick for me. At this point, all I can try to do is shift my perspective a bit. I have a lot of good things in my life, and they are things of my choosing and creation. It's not as simple, of course, as writing three things that make me happy each day (or some other type of exercise) and suddenly finding everything "fixed", but I am trying to remind myself that I CHOSE this life. Unlike some, I actually knew and had feelings for my xAP before I even got married -- and I chose to marry my H anyway. I had good reasons for that...so now I need to get back to those reasons as best I can.

 

This sounds like someone who "settled" and is now trying to justify it to herself.

 

In other words: I'm still drifting. One of these days I'll get to solid ground again.

 

What ACTIONS have you taken to STOP drifting?

Life doesn't just happen to you - you MAKE it.

Don't like your life? Make a new one.

 

What life would you like to have?

....now whats the first step to getting there?

[Waverly]

This sounds like someone who "settled" and is now trying to justify it to herself.

 

What life would you like to have?

....now whats the first step to getting there?

 

Ok...so, I feel like the standard LS line is more that I am now rewriting marital history by saying I settled (and, I'm not saying that, for the record -- I did *choose* my husband). At this point, how would I even know? I try to tell myself that I had solid reasons back then for making the decisions that I made. The revision to that storyline is what landed me in the A in the first place.

 

As for your other questions: I don't have an answer. That's kind of the all-consuming question right now though.

[Ivy2014]

I have to say it hasn't been like this for me. I was in deep with him but it really was like flipping a switch. I think when you really accept it's over (this is something only you can do) then it's much easier to deal with. If you are holding on to even a tiny bit of hope then I think you will suffer. I do think about him and I have had a few cries but usually when he pops in my head my immediate reaction is "pointless thinking about him, that's over". It is all about you letting go.

 

I read a useful tip the other day. When you are thinking about your situation, try talking to yourself in the third person. Apparently we are much better at giving advice to others than we are dealing with our own problems. It works! Saying in your head 'ivy should do this' instead of 'I should do this' makes everything much more obvious. Try it, it works for me.