time time time

[Waverly]

(see what's become of me...)

 

Does time ever not work? To recap, I'm seven months out from the "breakup"; we kept in daily communication for about four months after that, that lessened for a bit, and now we've been NC for two months. I'm functioning, but if I'm being honest, the pain is barely less raw than it was seven months ago.

 

I'm doing all the other "stuff"; I'm in IC, I'm on meds, I'm exercising, I'm getting rid of stuff, I'm trying to keep busy. But still, it hurts just as badly as it did on day one.

 

I'm just slow, right? Each walking our own path, blah blah blah? In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right?? Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

[ladydesigner]

I'm just slow, right? Each walking our own path, blah blah blah? In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right?? Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

 

I thought this way of myself after my RA ended. I am a fMOW and too thought I would never get over it. I did though. I think we eventually get so tired of thinking of the same things and replaying old times in our mind that we just let go one day and start living our life. The sooner this happens the better. I did realize that I held on for too long and it got me nowhere. You will one day let go too

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Just like any loss, some people end up moving forward and some stay lost. Depends a lot on personal coping mechanisms I'd guess. Give yourself permission to move forward. Train your mind not to dwell.

[A.Moscote]

I'm just slow, right?

Each walking our own path, blah blah blah?

In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right??

Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

 

Maybe...

Yes, blah3...

Right!

No, no.

 

Hope that help. Be strong, good luck.

[Poppy's sister]

Well if you look at it rationally. This relationship actually only ended 2 months ago. You had a slow burn thing going on before that.

So you have had 8 weeks of no contact, relationship finally ended.

That is not long

I don't recall how long this relationship lasted but 8 weeks for a year + relationship is early days for anyone.

 

Do you recall Mickey .? She was struggling at 2 months, 3 months but her last post I have seen she said she was getting there a bit ....

 

So hang in there, look at it reasonably , you have really only " ended" the relationship 8 weeks.

 

It is giving up hope, dreams, love, plans etc ....and even in low contact they are fuelled....what if, maybe he will....etc etc....

 

No contact is the end of that .

 

So no you are not slow, you are very very normal, I should imagine .

 

Sending hugs

[Mickey1982]

Well if you look at it rationally. This relationship actually only ended 2 months ago. You had a slow burn thing going on before that.

So you have had 8 weeks of no contact, relationship finally ended.

That is not long

I don't recall how long this relationship lasted but 8 weeks for a year + relationship is early days for anyone.

 

Do you recall Mickey .? She was struggling at 2 months, 3 months but her last post I have seen she said she was getting there a bit ....

 

So hang in there, look at it reasonably , you have really only " ended" the relationship 8 weeks.

 

It is giving up hope, dreams, love, plans etc ....and even in low contact they are fuelled....what if, maybe he will....etc etc....

 

No contact is the end of that .

 

So no you are not slow, you are very very normal, I should imagine .

 

Sending hugs

 

 

Hi Poppy----up and down for Mickey, unfortunately with more downs than ups lately.

[LearningToMoveOn]

I wonder the same things Waverly. This pain has to end at some point, right? Right??

 

I'm 4.5 months out of a 4.5 year A and I still have a lot of bad days. Some days I think it's getting better and some days I feel like I'm back at square one.

 

I do truly hope that time will heal all and that I don't feel like this for the rest of my life. I know that I'm changed forever and this will always be a part of my past but I hope that he doesn't continue to consume my thoughts daily. Life is too short to continue wasting so much head space on someone who is no longer a part of my life.

[blue963]

I am contemplating ending a 5 year relationship....these comments aren't comforting to me right now.

[Patna]

My exact thoughts today. Just finished crying on my bed, wondering when am I ever gonna stop these tears, when am I gonna see my old self again, when am I ever gonna feel normal again.

[Waverly]

Life is too short to continue wasting so much head space on someone who is no longer a part of my life.

 

Yes, it is!! Now I just need to get my heart to line up behind what I logically KNOW is true.

[Feb]

I wonder the same things Waverly. This pain has to end at some point, right? Right??

 

I'm 4.5 months out of a 4.5 year A and I still have a lot of bad days. Some days I think it's getting better and some days I feel like I'm back at square one.

 

I do truly hope that time will heal all and that I don't feel like this for the rest of my life. I know that I'm changed forever and this will always be a part of my past but I hope that he doesn't continue to consume my thoughts daily. Life is too short to continue wasting so much head space on someone who is no longer a part of my life.

I haven't posted here in a long time, but this thread sounded so sad and hopeless I felt compelled to jump in. Hugs to all.

 

It DOES get better! It sound like most of you posting are less than 6 months NC. That's not a lot of time. There is not a switch that suddenly turns all the feelings off. It's kind of like healing from a physical injury ... throbs constantly, then over time you don't notice the pain subsiding but you seem to forget about it more.

 

I'm over a year NC. I can't remember the exact day or even month that NC started, although at the time I swore I would remember that day forever. I went through the same pain and raw emotions and took the advice of everyone on this board. I thought about xAP constantly, and after a few months had to celebrate small victories -- being able to sit through a meeting without thinking him. Eventually could get through an afternoon without thoughts of him (thank you work, for being stressful and busy to take my mind off of xAP).

 

After six months I could truly wake up, enjoy lunch with my co-workers and friends, and family events without a single thought. Then that stretched out into weeks. My major victory was completely forgetting about his birthday until I looked at the calendar 3 weeks later and realized I forgot.

 

Today I have no emotion (good or bad) towards xAP. I wholeheartedly agree with an earlier post that the A is part of my life and who I am now. If there are any obsessive, lingering thoughts, it's more about the A and less about him. Success is combination time and exercising your brain to not dwell on him and what could have been -- fantasizing about how perfect you were, because you weren't perfect for each other in the real world. I also let go of the notion I "lost my best friend" because objectively speaking, my other friends treated me with a lot more respect.

[jwi71]

(see what's become of me...)

 

Does time ever not work? To recap, I'm seven months out from the "breakup"; we kept in daily communication for about four months after that, that lessened for a bit, and now we've been NC for two months. I'm functioning, but if I'm being honest, the pain is barely less raw than it was seven months ago.

 

I'm doing all the other "stuff"; I'm in IC, I'm on meds, I'm exercising, I'm getting rid of stuff, I'm trying to keep busy. But still, it hurts just as badly as it did on day one.

 

I'm just slow, right? Each walking our own path, blah blah blah? In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right?? Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

 

As someone mentioned above - you are only 2 months NC - not 7 - and these things take time - measured at LEAST in months. Your journey has just begun - and yes, it can feel like this at times.

 

Generally speaking - time does NOT heal all wounds - what heals is HOW you use that time. And you have taken some steps in that direction. I find that we need something just as intense as the void created when the A ended. Something to TRULY occupy your mind.

 

So waverly - what is that for you?

 

I'll tell you what healed me (Im a BH). First, IC. That was hard - hardest thing I have ever faced was me. Glad I did. And then - still hurting from my now xW A - I threw myself into the OW/OM forum. Yeah - It was rocky at first - I earned a few points back then. Most I deserved. But - I saw an A through the other side of what I thought was a one-way mirror - hey, the AP has a perspective too - and feelings...and they hurt...and holy **** they aren't actually trolls - gotta love burning that stereotype.

But you know what burning a stereotype really was? Forgiveness. For him. For my xW. For me.

 

And once I got there - my life went from black and bleak to wonderful - my mood elevated - my IC actually fired me (your done, go apply what you know) - dating again - and I had made it.

 

Didn't happen overnight - small steps. I'd say 3.75 to 4 years. With an almost imperceptible improvement - it felt like one day suddenly everything was better - it had really been getting better slowly over time - like compound interest. Yeah, eat your heart out Dear Abby - I used compound interest in an OW/OM forum as actual advice. Booyah! Bonus points for me.

 

So...find your passion. What can you do for hours at a time and not notice the passage of time?

[sunburned]

Well if it makes you feel any better, here I am 10-11 mos after my A ended, still bottom-fishing for survival tips. The time that really defined my A was less than three months. I only copped to a 6 month A after reading up on emotional affairs. Hell, I didn't even have sex and I'm still floundering.

 

But Poppy's Sister is correct. You can't say you're eight months out. You're only two months out. I had two months of LC and the healing didn't begin until that ended and absolute NC began (9ish months ago).

 

As Poppy said:

 

It is giving up hope, dreams, love, plans etc ....and even in low contact they are fuelled....what if, maybe he will....etc etc..

 

Now that you are no longer fanning the flame, it will die out quicker. If you can do some of the mental exercises, it will happen faster. I was never very good at that myself, which is why I'm still hobbling along with the other walking wounded.

[P1nginLOVE]

(see what's become of me...)

 

Does time ever not work? To recap, I'm seven months out from the "breakup"; we kept in daily communication for about four months after that, that lessened for a bit, and now we've been NC for two months. I'm functioning, but if I'm being honest, the pain is barely less raw than it was seven months ago.

 

I'm doing all the other "stuff"; I'm in IC, I'm on meds, I'm exercising, I'm getting rid of stuff, I'm trying to keep busy. But still, it hurts just as badly as it did on day one.

 

I'm just slow, right? Each walking our own path, blah blah blah? In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right?? Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

 

I know exactly how you feel!!! I worked 12 hours at the office yesterday!

;(

 

For now...I'm a walking wounded fragile woman who's pretending (in front of everyone, bc they don't know the hell I'm going through) that everything is fine!

[Owl6118]

Waverly, you may recall some time back that I was very concerned for you and also for your AP. I am very glad to learn that you have stuck with no contact. I truly think it is the road to healing for you, and also the road to healing and renewed sobriety for your partner. I congratulate you and celebrate every day of continued no contact as another step forward for you.

 

I will gently point out that because you have chosen the road of no disclosure to your husband, you have also in the same choice chosen a more lonely road, one that I think will prolong the pain of letting go. Isolation in your thoughts and feelings keeps them alive, inability to let them out into the air gives them food, having your husband unwitting of the most important feelings in your life will naturally leave you in a very lonely place.

 

I am not here to second-guess you, but I am frankly saying that some of your extended pain will be a consequence of how you are choosing to manage your life and your emotional connections with those closest to you.

[Waverly]

Well if it makes you feel any better, here I am 10-11 mos after my A ended, still bottom-fishing for survival tips. The time that really defined my A was less than three months. I only copped to a 6 month A after reading up on emotional affairs. Hell, I didn't even have sex and I'm still floundering.

 

Now that you are no longer fanning the flame, it will die out quicker. If you can do some of the mental exercises, it will happen faster. I was never very good at that myself, which is why I'm still hobbling along with the other walking wounded.

 

Sunburned, I'm actually not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. On the one hand, it's always good to know that I'm not alone. On the other hand...sigh. I hate that you're still floundering at 10 - 11 months out.

 

I know you and others are right that it really hasn't been a full seven months of "healing". I'm not even sure it's been two, but I guess this is what I have to do if it's ever going to happen. Can I ask what you mean by mental exercises?

 

 

Waverly, you may recall some time back that I was very concerned for you and also for your AP. I am very glad to learn that you have stuck with no contact. I truly think it is the road to healing for you, and also the road to healing and renewed sobriety for your partner. I congratulate you and celebrate every day of continued no contact as another step forward for you.

 

I will gently point out that because you have chosen the road of no disclosure to your husband, you have also in the same choice chosen a more lonely road, one that I think will prolong the pain of letting go. Isolation in your thoughts and feelings keeps them alive, inability to let them out into the air gives them food, having your husband unwitting of the most important feelings in your life will naturally leave you in a very lonely place.

 

I am not here to second-guess you, but I am frankly saying that some of your extended pain will be a consequence of how you are choosing to manage your life and your emotional connections with those closest to you.

 

Owl6118, of course I remember...your concern still stands out to me. And yes, staying no contact may objectively be the way forward. But it's certainly a difficult path, as I'm sure you know.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I've chosen anything at this point. Right now, you're correct, I haven't told. And you are also correct that that has an isolating effect. That's not lost on me.

[sunburned]

Sunburned, I'm actually not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. On the one hand, it's always good to know that I'm not alone. On the other hand...sigh. I hate that you're still floundering at 10 - 11 months out.

 

I know you and others are right that it really hasn't been a full seven months of "healing". I'm not even sure it's been two, but I guess this is what I have to do if it's ever going to happen. Can I ask what you mean by mental exercises?

 

.

I meant the sort of things people do to "forget" their MM. Like visualizing a stop sign when you start pining for him, reframing your thoughts, for example, from "MM was really good to me and there when I needed him," to something like "MM was cheating on his wife, lying to his family and that is not the sort of person I want as a friend." I meant all the sorts of things posters have recommended here.

 

 

And, no offense, but my remarks were not intended to make you feel better. TBH, from what little I can make out of you and your sitch on an anonymous web site, you are "stuck' as badly if not worse than I was (maybe still am slightly). And, if you're relying solely on time, it's exceptionally hard. Bear down and move more ... mentally and physically. Abandon all hope with this guy.

 

 

Another poster gave this advice to "Layla" :

 

 

if you hold onto to any hope of rekindling the A than it will be damn near impossible to stop. It took my awhile, but I let go of all desire to start back up again. It's not even about hurting anyone. I just want to live and honest and happy life. It's impossible to live the way I WANT if I cheat. You need to seriously sit down and think about what you want in your life. Once you know for sure what you want everything seems to fall in place.

 

 

And, before you grab onto that last line, do not literally wait until you know what you want. Start acting like someone with a great marriage and family life. Fake it until you make it -- or until you are certain you want a D and a different life. While you're actively working toward more certain clarity, choose the life you have now. You can always decide later if D is right.

 

 

Please don't say you know this intellectually and that you're just waiting for your heart to catch up to your brain (a waverly fave). It won't catch up by itself. You need to move it along, maybe even carry it across the finish line.

 

 

I really do identify/commiserate with you. But, honestly, for all the wrong reasons. (((waverly))).

[MissBee]

(see what's become of me...)

 

Does time ever not work? To recap, I'm seven months out from the "breakup"; we kept in daily communication for about four months after that, that lessened for a bit, and now we've been NC for two months. I'm functioning, but if I'm being honest, the pain is barely less raw than it was seven months ago.

 

I'm doing all the other "stuff"; I'm in IC, I'm on meds, I'm exercising, I'm getting rid of stuff, I'm trying to keep busy. But still, it hurts just as badly as it did on day one.

 

I'm just slow, right? Each walking our own path, blah blah blah? In other words, everyone gets over this eventually, right?? Or do some people just end up as the walking wounded? (Please say no, please say no...)

 

You've only been NC 2 months....it's still new.

 

It hasn't been 7 months of active healing in reality. For 4 mths you prolonged your healing by being in daily contact....so of course you're not healed yet as for the majority of the 7 months you've been still emotionally engaged with him. Speaking yo your ex everyday for 4 mths isn't being broken up...you've given yourself no space to actually detach emotionally and do the BREAK part of a breakup.

 

You can only count your healing process starting from real NC IMO. That has been my experience. It took me almost 2 years once to get over a breakup...why? Because in reality we'd broken up but I kept in contact and went back and forth and was emotionally engaged. Surprisingly, when I had enough and went full and total NC, I got over it about 4 mths later.

 

The bad news is you prolonged your healing by not going NC sooner. The good news is that you're 2 months in and it's normal to feel how you feel at this stage....it does get better and no, rare is the person who never gets over it. Someone pining and hurting years later is likely either still emotionally engaged, not fully NC in reality or has other emotional issues that they need to work on so that they can learn to detach. But for the most part, you'll eventually move on from it, just keep on keeping on and when you're tempted to reconnect, remember that it's like starting anew each time.

[Waverly]

I meant the sort of things people do to "forget" their MM. Like visualizing a stop sign when you start pining for him, reframing your thoughts, for example, from "MM was really good to me and there when I needed him," to something like "MM was cheating on his wife, lying to his family and that is not the sort of person I want as a friend." I meant all the sorts of things posters have recommended here.

 

Ah, those. Yes, I'm bad at them too. I wish I weren't. But I'm not, realistically, going to be able to trick or talk myself into believing that he's a bad person, etc. My therapist has been trying to get me to just acknowledge the feelings as they come and then try to let them go and refocus on what is in my actual life. I'm sure you can guess that there are mixed results.

 

I'm trying not to rely solely on time, but none of the normal stuff seems to be making much of a dent. IC is meh, meds have gotten me to the point of functioning (but not much further), exercise is a distraction for an hour or so. I'm trying to focus on what I do have in my life. It's a lot. And I'm trying to fake it the best I can until my heart does catch up one way or another (sorry -- you're right that it is a fave, but that's because it's true -- I wish I could rationalize my way through this). I need to give up on this idea of him. And I am. Or at least I'm telling myself that I am, and acting that way.

 

In the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on. Thanks for the reply, sunburned.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Waverly,

 

From your posts I can see that you have made progress. Yay! But I do have to agree with Owl6118 that maybe some of the slowness is related to the fact of non disclosure. My progress during the 3-4 months after my A, before d-day, compared to the 3-4 months after d-day, is like night and day. I think it somewhat has to do with accountability. Having accountability to just yourself is good, but then I had it to my H...and that made a world of difference for me. Please don't take that as saying you should tell...I respect your decision, just wanted to point out a possible reason your situation is more challenging.

 

Like MissBee said, "technically" you're still a few months out. You will move on...hugs!

[Patna]

Waverly, sharing with you about my experience with confessing. For my case, it wasn't easier after confessing to my H about e A. I still love and miss OM a lot, but I can't possibly hurt my H further by telling him e brutal truth. I struggle with burying my emotions when I'm with H, & on my bad days, it's extremely tough to act normal in front of him. It has been 5 months since I'd confessed, & I think with time, it just get worst with all these pretence. Sometimes I just shut myself up emotionally and end up distancing myself to avoid him sensing anything. It isn't helping my M at all. So nowadays, I often wondered if I had confessed to him too early? Maybe I should wait till I'm more stable emotionally before letting it out?

[LearningToMoveOn]

Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. Waverly and Mickey, how are you guys?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Helpful. Thank you.

 

I haven't posted here in a long time, but this thread sounded so sad and hopeless I felt compelled to jump in. Hugs to all.

 

It DOES get better! It sound like most of you posting are less than 6 months NC. That's not a lot of time. There is not a switch that suddenly turns all the feelings off. It's kind of like healing from a physical injury ... throbs constantly, then over time you don't notice the pain subsiding but you seem to forget about it more.

 

I'm over a year NC. I can't remember the exact day or even month that NC started, although at the time I swore I would remember that day forever. I went through the same pain and raw emotions and took the advice of everyone on this board. I thought about xAP constantly, and after a few months had to celebrate small victories -- being able to sit through a meeting without thinking him. Eventually could get through an afternoon without thoughts of him (thank you work, for being stressful and busy to take my mind off of xAP).

 

After six months I could truly wake up, enjoy lunch with my co-workers and friends, and family events without a single thought. Then that stretched out into weeks. My major victory was completely forgetting about his birthday until I looked at the calendar 3 weeks later and realized I forgot.

 

Today I have no emotion (good or bad) towards xAP. I wholeheartedly agree with an earlier post that the A is part of my life and who I am now. If there are any obsessive, lingering thoughts, it's more about the A and less about him. Success is combination time and exercising your brain to not dwell on him and what could have been -- fantasizing about how perfect you were, because you weren't perfect for each other in the real world. I also let go of the notion I "lost my best friend" because objectively speaking, my other friends treated me with a lot more respect.

[Survivor12]

It seems to me that affairs begin because they satisfy a need...to feel loved or wanted, for companionship or sex, to lift one's emotions (providing excitement, anticipation stimulation) or as an escape from one's problems.

 

The thing is, the affair doesn't "fix" the problems or take away the need so although the affair may end, whatever led one into it remains.

 

Therefore, until the underlying issue is resolved, the focus remains on the loss of the affair....which can be indefinite.

 

My advice is to think about what caused you to enter into the affair? What was missing in your life prior to getting involved? What was "inviting" in the very beginning?

 

When you figure out what needs you had that led to the affair, you'll know whats holding you back from moving on.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thank you for being so honest about this. I think that topic or "regretting admitting an affair" isn't explored enough in here and and I am curious who else may suffer from making that choice. I know in my case it would be a terrible choice.

 

 

Waverly, I am also a married woman who didn't and won't disclose the affair, and I too am suffering, but my NC is less time than yours.

 

I hope that you practice the tips of thought control and distraction. I know you say it is hard, and it is, but some type of method may work for you.

 

I too find it impossible to turn my xMM into a bad guy, although he may sincerely be one. I think with time perhaps you will come out of this cloud of thinking he is a good guy once you start to heal.

 

Waverly, sharing with you about my experience with confessing. For my case, it wasn't easier after confessing to my H about e A. I still love and miss OM a lot, but I can't possibly hurt my H further by telling him e brutal truth. I struggle with burying my emotions when I'm with H, & on my bad days, it's extremely tough to act normal in front of him. It has been 5 months since I'd confessed, & I think with time, it just get worst with all these pretence. Sometimes I just shut myself up emotionally and end up distancing myself to avoid him sensing anything. It isn't helping my M at all. So nowadays, I often wondered if I had confessed to him too early? Maybe I should wait till I'm more stable emotionally before letting it out?