clia Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Are you bothered that he took over a third of your already paltry monthly pay, and it hasn't occurred to him that you might need that money to live? That doesn't sound like caring boyfriend behavior to me. 4
xxoo Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I defend him because the majority of the advice I've been given suggests that I leave. The advice regarding how to fix the situation has been noted and taken in, and will be followed accordingly. When I get told he's a loser who I need to leave, that's when I defend. Because he's not a loser and I don't need to leave him. Or, you could say "no" when asked for money, ask him to leave when he calls you names, and confront him directly when he takes advantage of you. The problem is that you tolerate far too much, so he is learning that he can treat you badly and you will tolerate it. It takes a LOT for you to stand up a little. He sees the line, and he treats you only as well as you demand. 3
Anela Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I defend him because the majority of the advice I've been given suggests that I leave. The advice regarding how to fix the situation has been noted and taken in, and will be followed accordingly. When I get told he's a loser who I need to leave, that's when I defend. Because he's not a loser and I don't need to leave him. Okay, I understand that. There are ways in which I fit the "loser" category, as well, and in other ways, I don't. They are trying to help you, though.
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 No Phoe - you did not HAVE to loan it - you chose to loan it. And this is the lesson learned. I realize I didn't HAVE to. I chose to happily, under the impression it would be paid back in a few days, and that I would not be struggling now. There was nothing to indicate that it would've been a bad choice. I had no reason to think he'd struggle to pay it back. Now I know that money is a bigger problem than I thought. 1
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 What are you going to do if he doesn't pay ALL the money back on Friday ? better have game plan... 3
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry if I've been part of the reason you feel you have to defend yourself and him. Honestly, I'm very conflicted about you. SD - I apologize, I know you've been waiting for a response, I keep getting bogged down writing other responses. My boundaries - cheating, physical abuse, excessive verbal abuse (he shouts at me, he's done. he knows this), when negatives outweigh the positives, if I no longer feel loved or cared for, or if I no longer feel love for him. Those are my reasons for why I would never look back. Thank you for getting back to me The cheating and physical abuse are perfectly clear. I'm curious what you mean about excessive verbal abuse. I'm guessing that also includes name calling. What he said to you last night could be considered verbal abuse, but he did it in a joking manner. Yeah it was a really stupid joke, but still supposed to be a joke. I'm glad that you said "when negatives outweigh the positives." Thankfully you're still being rational The cared for thing, that's obviously for you to decide. None of us have any say in that. There's actually one thing that I'm surprised you didn't include, though perhaps it just didn't occur to you. Being able to trust him, and a belief that he trusts you, in every area where trust is relevant. Of course being able to trust your partner, and that they will be loyal to you is absolutely essential. And I also feel that it's essential to know that your partner trusts you. You have proven yourself to be extremely loyal, and I do respect you for that. I hope your BF believes the same. Edited May 20, 2014 by somedude81
xxoo Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 And this is the lesson learned. I realize I didn't HAVE to. I chose to happily, under the impression it would be paid back in a few days, and that I would not be struggling now. There was nothing to indicate that it would've been a bad choice. I had no reason to think he'd struggle to pay it back. Now I know that money is a bigger problem than I thought. Anyone who needs to borrow $300 to pay necessary bills or eat has significant money issues. Including you! 1
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 What are you going to do if he doesn't pay ALL the money back on Friday ? better have game plan... I am not asking for all of it. Just some. Enough that I don't have to worry until my next paycheck.
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Anyone who needs to borrow $300 to pay necessary bills or eat has significant money issues. Including you! If you're only here to insult my paycheck then you can leave.
Keenly Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Anyone who needs to borrow $300 to pay necessary bills or eat has significant money issues. Including you! That is a pretty elitist and condescending thing to say. Apparently you don't know what finances are like in our age demographic.
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 What he said to you last night could be considered verbal abuse, but he did it in a joking manner. Yeah it was a really stupid joke, but still supposed to be a joke. His jokes are over the top, yes, but they are just jokes. At first, when I had negative reactions to his jokes, his first reaction was to say "Why are you taking it up the ass? Why are you taking my jokes so seriously? They're just jokes!" When he realized I wasn't going to stop being insulted, the jokes stopped. He decided to think before speaking, put on a filter, and stop himself from saying things that could wrongly insult me. Last night was a slip up. I don't find jokes to be verbally abusive. For me, verbal abuse is him saying something cruel in all seriousness, with intentions of hurting me. He never speaks to me with intentions of hurting me. He jokes in hopes that I will laugh, but when I don't, he backtracks. 1
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I am not asking for all of it. Just some. Enough that I don't have to worry until my next paycheck. Tip: You need to ask for ALL of it, stop being more than nice.. he has taken 4 paychecks to pay back something he himself agreed to pay in one.. Please don't drag this out, if you do he will drag his feet paying you on every payment and drive your stress level through the roof... I also started my first marriage out loaning money for her business to my then fiance and let me tell you in the end she took me for a lot of money that she was never able to repay.. she made a lump sum payment in the divorce for 56k and that was a huge, huge loss for me... Lesson learned.. never loan money to your partner... Your BF is exhibiting the signs of taking you for a ride for this 340.00 Can you afford it ? then ask for it ALL back... 7
xxoo Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 If you're only here to insult my paycheck then you can leave. I'm not insulting your paycheck. I'm criticizing your money handling, and his.
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Sorry I can't delete my previous post, I thought you really wanted advice and not somebody to agree with you. My above post is right on the money but you don't want honesty you want to be told you are right and everything is going to be ok. "Everything is going to be OK, you are right........" Once again, the things I say fall on deaf ears. I asked for advice on how to broach the subject with sensitivity. I did get a decent amount of advice that helped me with my question. I spoke with him, and now we will see what happens. I did not ask for advice on whether I should leave him or not, or whether people think I can do better. I did not ask whether he is a loser and I did not ask for opinions on my personal paycheck. None of that is relevant. 1
gaius Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 This thread reminds me I owe my ex 5 dollars. =/ Hope his memory gets jogged and he pays you back Phoe.
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Tip: You need to ask for ALL of it, stop being more than nice.. he has taken 4 paychecks to pay back something he himself agreed to pay in one.. Please don't drag this out, if you do he will drag his feet paying you on every payment and drive your stress level through the roof... I also started my first marriage out loaning money for her business to my then fiance and let me tell you in the end she took me for a lot of money that she was never able to repay.. she made a lump sum payment in the divorce for 56k and that was a huge, huge loss for me... Lesson learned.. never loan money to your partner... Your BF is exhibiting the signs of taking you for a ride for this 340.00 Can you afford it ? then ask for it ALL back... Yeah, she needs it all back ASAP. There is no reason why he can't fully pay her back when he makes $900 a week. His weekly expenses can't be that high. 1
xxoo Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 That is a pretty elitist and condescending thing to say. Apparently you don't know what finances are like in our age demographic. I do. I've been there. But when things are that tight, you have money issues! $300 from no food is a scary place to be. That is not the place to be loaning money to others who also obviously have money issues. 2
Keenly Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I do. I've been there. But when things are that tight, you have money issues! $300 from no food is a scary place to be. That is not the place to be loaning money to others who also obviously have money issues. When 300 dollars is almost a third of some ones monthly income, it does not mean they have money issues. It means they don't make a lot of Money. I mean you're basically saying some one who never spends money on anything but bare essentials has money issues.
xxoo Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 When 300 dollars is almost a third of some ones monthly income, it does not mean they have money issues. It means they don't make a lot of Money. I mean you're basically saying some one who never spends money on anything but bare essentials has money issues. Phoe said she didn't realize money was a problem for this guy. I'm saying that is absurd if he didn't have $300 to his name. Anyone $300 from broke, living in the U.S., has money problems. That's not a judgment, it's a reality. One car repair away from no food is a huge problem. I'll never understand why anyone would expect someone who can't pay their bills this week to be able to pay back a loan next week. Next week, they have more bills. This is how payday loan companies lure people in and rake in the high interest rates, because people need to continually take out loans to pay back the previous loans. It's horrible. 7
Imported Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 You are way too nice OP. You really do deserve better than what you're getting.
Els Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 He also has almost ALL his belongings in storage, which is one of the bills I paid for him. $180. I wish he'd get his things out of storage so that he could stop paying that ridiculous amount of money every month. Especially when his house and garage are EMPTY. He could easily store his stuff at home. He has an extra car in storage, a motorcycle (both of those would've been nice to have when his truck broke down), and his bed. He currently sleeps on the mattress pad that he dragged in from his motorhome, he put it on the floor in his room and sleeps on it. But he has his actual bed in storage. Sorry, I stopped reading at this point. How does someone not have enough money for bills or food, but enough money to have a freakin' extra car and a motorcycle - that they keep in storage!??!!? That's like being homeless and begging on the streets, while playing Candy Crush on your iPhone5. Oh, wait... 6
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Phoe said she didn't realize money was a problem for this guy. I'm saying that is absurd if he didn't have $300 to his name. It wasn't a matter of "I'm broke" it's a matter of "I thought I was going to get paid and now my paycheck is being delayed a week, but I have bills due NOW that I was planning to pay with that paycheck"
Babolat Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 The whole point of every thread I've ever made about him, is that I am realistic in accepting the fact that there is no such thing as no negatives. With that being said, my intention is to get advice on FIXING or HELPING. You should not to FIX him or even feel like you have to. I spent 12+ months feeling the same with my ex gf. It does not work. You are less than 6 months in and you are already wanting to fix him. Please don't, you can't. Do some reading on people who want to fix their partners; it is not healthy. It's borderline Codependent. You continue to focus on his redeeming qualities and downplay the bad ones. Be careful.
xxoo Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 It wasn't a matter of "I'm broke" it's a matter of "I thought I was going to get paid and now my paycheck is being delayed a week, but I have bills due NOW that I was planning to pay with that paycheck" Look up living paycheck to paycheck. It happens at all pay levels-- nothing necessarily to do with income levels. But it IS a money problem, and causes situations like you describe (inability to pay bills or buy food when any unexpected money issue comes up). 5
2sunny Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) You are way too nice OP. You really do deserve better than what you're getting. Way too nice gets what it looks like for her - used. You should absolutely expect that he pay ALL of it this Friday!!! He already broke his promise - there's not one single reason you should expect him to make payments now. Besides - he said he'll pay Friday - now your softening it again. If you need it now - he should take out a loan. Are you sure you've been honest with him about needing the money now? He makes money - but hasn't prioritized what he borrowed from you. It looks like he hasn't learned at all as he aged - he mismanaged money. There's no reason to keep dating him when he lies by not keeping his word and is irresponsible with money. He's not the last guy on this earth - yet you act like he is by making so many excuses FOR him and his bad behavior. Couple that with criticism he dishes out and you have a complete douche. You can say it's "supposed to be a joke" but I don't find his words one bit funny. They are hurtful words, directed at you. I wish you'd work on your boundary. You've been his doormat. And stop paying for dates/outings! If a guy is really into you - he will find a way to provide FOR you. To take YOU OUT. If he can't - then he shouldn't be dating! Edited May 20, 2014 by 2sunny 4
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