Borrowed Money Etiquette

[soccerrprp]

This thread is really pissing me off!

 

I want, so desperately for you to just get away, but since you won't...why are you only making $900 a month? It sounds like he lives in an area with very limited opportunities. Did you move down there? Did you move just to be with him w/o regard to opportunity? Or did you two meet in that area, your home?

[amaysngrace]

Well, I know he isn't "spending" his money on random things.

 

His house is empty.

 

 

His bedroom is a mattress pad on the floor, an oldschool television (it barely works haha), and a small table he bought for me to eat on (I refused to eat in bed).

 

 

He doesn't have many possessions. There isn't much "stuff".

 

 

His clothing is minimal. He has 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of work pants, and some pajamas. He has maybe 5 shirts. Then he has his work shoes and his normal shoes, and 2 jackets. That's it for clothing.

 

 

His bathroom is also bare.

 

 

He doesn't buy things, but he's mentioned offhand, that he has a bit of debt. I'm thinking the debt must be more than I think.

 

He has to be spending his money on something. Titty bars probably.

 

You can always find one of those.

[Babolat]

Well, I know he isn't "spending" his money on random things.

 

His house is empty.

 

 

His bedroom is a mattress pad on the floor, an oldschool television (it barely works haha), and a small table he bought for me to eat on (I refused to eat in bed).

 

 

He doesn't have many possessions. There isn't much "stuff".

 

 

His clothing is minimal. He has 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of work pants, and some pajamas. He has maybe 5 shirts. Then he has his work shoes and his normal shoes, and 2 jackets. That's it for clothing.

 

 

His bathroom is also bare.

 

 

He doesn't buy things, but he's mentioned offhand, that he has a bit of debt. I'm thinking the debt must be more than I think.

We are all grabbing you virtually by the shoulders and shaking you to wake up! I want to send you $1000 to help you though I'd be afraid you'd give it to him.

 

Please Phoe, Pause, step back, read what you are saying in thsi thread. Sure, he may adore you and treat you well, which I question, take care of Phoe, please.

[Babolat]

This thread is really pissing me off!

Yeah, me too, must be the Protector in me!

[2sunny]

We can all see he doesn't take responsibility for his debt.

 

The guy isn't offering and adding to make your life BETTER by being involved with you.

 

It looks like he will take as much (and more than) you offer.

 

Why are you making excuses for his bad behavior?

 

He owes you - he needs to pay you today!

[somedude81]

He has to be spending his money on something. Titty bars probably.

 

You can always find one of those.

 

Heh, I briefly thought that it could be hookers.

 

But the fact that he's with Phoe should mean that there is no way he'd be getting hookers.

 

The very thought that she's not good enough is ridiculous.

[Untouched]

So if he doesn't have much stuff what is in storage and at all those pawn shops?

[Untouched]

I feel like right now, he's still struggling with money and may not have the money to pay me back. I bought dinner for us most of the week, he didn't have money.

 

Once he got paid his $900, he got his normal paycheck the next day, so he had $1800 that weekend, and now just last friday he got $900 again.

 

So which one is true?

[Phoe]

This thread is really pissing me off!

 

I want, so desperately for you to just get away, but since you won't...why are you only making $900 a month? It sounds like he lives in an area with very limited opportunities. Did you move down there? Did you move just to be with him w/o regard to opportunity? Or did you two meet in that area, your home?

 

This is my hometown. It's a very small desert town.

 

 

I used to live in Santa Barbara. I had a pretty decent job as a manager in a small real estate company. I got laid off due to budget cuts, could no longer afford to live there, and had to move back here and am now living with my grandparents (which is god awful. my grandfather is abusive).

 

 

I struggled to find the job I have now. It was a massive downgrade from my old job, it pays minimum wage and is physically demanding. It's physical labor 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. And I pay the max amount of taxes.

 

 

It's been almost 3 years now. This place is the ONLY place that even gave me an interview. I have sent out hundreds of applications and resumes, I've physically walked into many buildings, I've watched as my resume gets thrown in the trash.

 

 

I've tried getting jobs that I would commute to, but no one will give me that chance. And I can't afford to live elsewhere when I can't get a job lined up. No place will approve me to live there based on savings alone. I need to prove income. And right now, my income sucks.

 

 

It's like a self perpetuating problem. I can't get a job elsewhere because I can't move elsewhere, and I can't move elsewhere because I can't afford to move elsewhere and can't get a job elsewhere.

 

 

I have a bachelors. It has proved absolutely worthless. I would've been better off going to some sort of trade school rather than a highly ranked expensive 4 year university. The whole thing was quite useless.

 

 

I met my boyfriend here. I've struggled with getting dates all my life, so I signed up for OLD last winter. I met my boyfriend, and we've been together since.

[Phoe]

He has to be spending his money on something. Titty bars probably.

 

You can always find one of those.

 

There aren't any here. Too small a town.

 

 

I actually once brought up going a strip club, as I've been to a few and had fun. He point blank did not want to go.

[amaysngrace]

So if he doesn't have much stuff what is in storage and at all those pawn shops?

 

Maybe he calls pawn shops storage?

 

In Atlantic City there are a bunch of pawn shops because of gambling.

 

Casinos give credit lines too.

 

Just because he says his friends are way worse gamblers doesn't mean jack because alcoholics say the same thing. How other people are way worse drunks.

[CrystalCastles]

My diet has gone to crap since I started dating him. He knows it too, and feels badly.

 

 

I used to focus SO much on protein. Protein was my favorite. My meals would be meat, rice/pasta, and veggies.

 

 

Dairy is not my friend.

 

 

I work out a lot so protein was always very essential. The past 2 weeks I haven't made it to the gym at all. Haven't been feeling up to it. I've been losing a bit of muscle tone and gaining a bit of fat.

 

 

He says it's normal to get comfortable and gain weight in a relationship. Admittedly, he does like my body better now that it's a little fattier and less toned. Says he doesn't wanna feel like he's having sex with a man, that a woman ought not have much muscle.

 

I must say, this post kind of made me angry (as did others).

 

I'm a gym rat AND health nut. The only thing I have ever heard guys say about me is how hot I look and how sexy my body is. The guys I've dated have only ever complimented me on my body. How rude of your boyfriend to be not-appreciative of your efforts towards your body. I think the fact that you usually treat your body and your health so seriously is something that should be respected and admired, instead of waved off. On top of that, he said that having sex with a toned woman is like having sex with a man?? Huh?? Do I need to highlight how rude and disrespectful that statement is or what??

 

As other posters have said, you can't live off Ramen. You need the appropriate servings from all the appropriate food groups. You're doing yourself and your body a great disservice.

 

You have one of two choices. You can either go to your bf and get your money. Or you can say nothing and live off Ramen for 2 weeks. Your choice.

 

You also sound like you don't have boundaries. How is it that your bf can get away with these things? You allow yourself to be walked all over. You allow your boyfriend to wipe his feet on you. Does that not make you angry and resentful to be mistreated like that, at all?

 

And about his "feels badly". Well jeez, I can say I "feel badly". Anyone can. Words mean diddly squat.

[thedj10show]

This is my hometown. It's a very small desert town.

 

 

I used to live in Santa Barbara. I had a pretty decent job as a manager in a small real estate company. I got laid off due to budget cuts, could no longer afford to live there, and had to move back here and am now living with my grandparents (which is god awful. my grandfather is abusive).

 

 

I struggled to find the job I have now. It was a massive downgrade from my old job, it pays minimum wage and is physically demanding. It's physical labor 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. And I pay the max amount of taxes.

 

 

It's been almost 3 years now. This place is the ONLY place that even gave me an interview. I have sent out hundreds of applications and resumes, I've physically walked into many buildings, I've watched as my resume gets thrown in the trash.

 

 

I've tried getting jobs that I would commute to, but no one will give me that chance. And I can't afford to live elsewhere when I can't get a job lined up. No place will approve me to live there based on savings alone. I need to prove income. And right now, my income sucks.

 

 

It's like a self perpetuating problem. I can't get a job elsewhere because I can't move elsewhere, and I can't move elsewhere because I can't afford to move elsewhere and can't get a job elsewhere.

 

 

I have a bachelors. It has proved absolutely worthless. I would've been better off going to some sort of trade school rather than a highly ranked expensive 4 year university. The whole thing was quite useless.

 

 

I met my boyfriend here. I've struggled with getting dates all my life, so I signed up for OLD last winter. I met my boyfriend, and we've been together since.

 

I have no idea what your field of study was, but having moved a few times across the country, I can tell you if you can somehow land the job that pays well, many real estate agents will accept you based on the amount of money the job WILL pay you if you can show them a signed offer letter, not based on what you have in savings. At least it was that way when I moved to Tucson for my first job out of undergrad and I had like $4 in my checking account because I blew it all on celebrating graduating.

 

Maybe this is a catalyst for some hardcore change for Phoe? I know I struggled with finding a job after I got laid off in Tucson and a fiancee that basically showed herself to be a gold digger. And I had a house that I had bought too that had me tied down to the area. But I made some pretty radical decisions and moved back to New York and things have sort of fallen into place, although making the decision at the time was rough as I had made great friends there. I'm not saying you have to do any or all of this stuff, but I implore you to reconsider your situation.

[Phoe]

Heh, I briefly thought that it could be hookers.

 

But the fact that he's with Phoe should mean that there is no way he'd be getting hookers.

 

The very thought that she's not good enough is ridiculous.

 

I know that he's loyal. I know that he's not gambling. I know he's not doing drugs.

 

 

It has to be debt.

 

So if he doesn't have much stuff what is in storage and at all those pawn shops?

 

 

I already posted what's in storage. I think it may be in my OP.

 

 

Pawn shops are some musical instruments and equipment, and powertools. They're not all at the same shop. There's a shop up here, and the rest of the shops are down in his hometown 2 hours away. Which is also where his storage is at. Which makes getting down there to actually pay quite difficult, which results in late charges.

 

 

I drove him down there one day and he asked me to please stay in the truck and not go in with him. He didn't want me to see/hear whatever was going on during his payment.

 

 

I know he's very embarrassed. I know he very much regrets his irresponsible ways when he was younger.

 

 

He got credit cards, bought stupid stuff, didn't pay his bills, generally didn't give a rip.

 

 

Now he's older, got a good job, but is still paying for his mistakes from his early 20's. He gets mad at himself often. Says how if he'd just been a little smarter when younger he'd be a lot better off now.

 

So which one is true?

 

 

Both. He got paid, but the money's clearly already gone. I just don't know where.

 

 

Given the hookers and drugs are definitely not the problem, i'm certain it's a matter of accumulated debt and bad planning.

[Babolat]

Why is everybody focused on what her bf is doing with his money? It does not matter, at all. The fact of the matter is he owes her $200+. What he does, or does not do with his money, has nothing to do with the fact that he owes her money, he promised to pay it back. She needs to ask for it back and set expectation if he does not pay it back.

 

I use to think about what my ex gf did with her money and why she had not paid me. I use to think if she could pay for this and that she could pay me back, even in small payments. I can't control that so I stopped thinking about it. Phoe, you should do the same. You are justifying everything about this man's "frugal" lifestylke. Everyone here is trying to add up the money he makes, do a budget for him, etc. Who cares, really, he borrowed money, you need it back, get it back.

 

It does not matter, period.

[Babolat]

two choices[/b]. You can either go to your bf and get your money. Or you can say nothing and live off Ramen for 2 weeks. Your choice.

 

You also sound like you don't have boundaries..

Bingo, well said.

[amaysngrace]

I've struggled with getting dates all my life

 

Okay now it makes sense.

 

Personally I'd rather struggle to get a date than struggle to get properly fed but that's just me.

[Phoe]

Maybe he calls pawn shops storage?

 

In Atlantic City there are a bunch of pawn shops because of gambling.

 

Casinos give credit lines too.

 

Just because he says his friends are way worse gamblers doesn't mean jack because alcoholics say the same thing. How other people are way worse drunks.

 

He has an actual storage unit in a storage facility. I've paid them directly.

 

 

 

 

I've seen his friends gamble. They definitely are very bad. I've watched his buddies blow through $1000 in one sitting. My boyfriend loses $20 and he walks away.

 

 

The only reason he gambled is because when you're living in Buffalo Bills casino in Primm, which may as well be a glorified ghost town, there is literally NOTHING to do.

 

 

His buddies used to joke "The only thing you can do in Primm is Drink, Gamble, and F*ck"

 

 

Well, he's not a drinker, and he certainly wasn't about to have sex with anyone but me, so after dinner he's play a few slots and a few spins at roulette.

 

 

I came out to visit a handful of times. He'd go downstairs with $40, give me a $20, and him a $20, and say that we both had to make that last for the night. I'd typically go back with $30 and he'd go back with about $50 or $60.

 

 

We gambled smart, never were risky, and always walked away when a loss popped up.

 

 

Since the job in Primm ended, he hasn't gambled since.

[CrystalCastles]

Pawn shops are some musical instruments and equipment, and powertools.

 

Pawn shops? Who even uses those? Don't people sell stuff online now? My parents sold a bunch of furniture online, I also sold some textbooks online, it's easy and you don't have to pay interest since it's just lying around in your house!

[2sunny]

It doesn't matter what he spends it on.

 

What matters is that he hasn't paid you back!

 

It also matters that you paid for his way over the weekend when he SHOULD have money to take YOU OUT!

 

You choose to stay - you choose to have a man use you.

[Babolat]

.I know he's very embarrassed. I know he very much regrets his irresponsible ways when he was younger.

 

 

He got credit cards, bought stupid stuff, didn't pay his bills, generally didn't give a rip.

 

 

Now he's older, got a good job, but is still paying for his mistakes from his early 20's. He gets mad at himself often. Says how if he'd just been a little smarter when younger he'd be a lot better off now..

I can't even beign to tell you how much your thinking reminds me of how i thought about my ex when we date. I justified everythign in my head.

 

Bad choices in the past, but she is getting better. Bad choices today, she'll get better. I've got plenty of money, I can take care of her. I remember her once stating "If we do work out I want you to teach me how to manage money". She was effing 43 years old when she told me that.

 

Guess what, you cannot fix him nor will he ever get better. He's already borrowing money from you. IS THIS the life you want for yourself? For your family? For your kids? Think about that seriously. I finally did with my ex gf, and finally realized it's not the life I wanted for myself. It's not selfish at all, especially this early into a relationship, to think this way.

[nescafe1982]

I admit I've only read the first 3 and last 3 pages of this thread, but while I understand Phoe that you posted about a $200 loan, this guy is exhibiting so many other serious red flags that you would do well to heed.

 

Why don't you know exactly what he's spending so much money on every week? I see you supposing/guessing that he's servicing debts, but it's not clear from your posts that you are certain that is what he's doing.

 

That is a serious, serious problem. If you can't talk honestly about money, you really should NOT be considering a serious relationship.

 

Also, I don't think much of a man who owes his GF money, won't pay her back while she eats poorly, and makes abusive comments about her body instead. Who is this guy?!?! Really, please take a step back from this and ask yourself that question.

[thedj10show]

 

I've seen his friends gamble. They definitely are very bad. I've watched his buddies blow through $1000 in one sitting. My boyfriend loses $20 and he walks away.

 

.

 

Any chance he's spending all of his disposable income on keeping his friends afloat and out of trouble?

[Babolat]

I've seen his friends gamble. They definitely are very bad. I've watched his buddies blow through $1000 in one sitting. My boyfriend loses $20 and he walks away..

 

Yeah, and me ex gf told me she "use to do a lot of cocaine". Then I found out she was still doing it while we were together and she tried to convince me "you'd be surprised who you know that uses coke". Which being the sucker I was, I bought it. "Oh, it's just me, I should not be so hard on her". I can change my boundaries. This woman caused me to change my boundaries almost weekly. I promise you you are doing the same.

 

God this thread is killing me! It's getting close to the thread where the freak who slapped his gf and thinks it's okay.

[2sunny]

Are you so afraid to be on your own that you settle for a man child who uses you?

 

I really want to know why this is enough for you? It shouldn't look even remotely attractive for a grown woman.