Borrowed Money Etiquette

[Babolat]

I've saved $700.

Is this money still avaiable? If yes, why can't you use it some of it right now?

[MissBee]

He's very bad at saving.

 

 

We're currently trying to save to live together. We have a savings account that is our joint pool of money, but only I have access to it.

 

 

I've saved $700, he saved $50, and then asked me to take the $50 back out for him about 3 days later.

 

 

If it was up to him, we'd be married already legally. No wedding, no ring.

 

 

I'm not fussed about an engagement ring, but I do need a wedding ring if I'm married.

 

 

He says he knows I deserve an amazing ring and an amazing wedding, but he knows I don't NEED all that and says maybe 20 years down the line we can have a real wedding and an amazing ring.

 

Phoe...I know you're not an idiot...

 

If your daughter or friend told you they plan to marry a man where they are saving to live together and they said they saved almost a thousand and he saved only $50 then asked for it back...would you tell them "Sounds like you have a bright future!" or would you not see how terribly problematic it is???

 

I mean.....I'm aghast right now, I'm truly bewildered at how as you typed that at no point it made you say...damnnn this is fccuuuked up! This man shouldn't be marrying anyone anytime soon until he gets his life right, let alone me! Or are you somehow thinking this is a "minor" issue that will work itself out once you are locked into a legal contract with him????

 

God bless you.

[soccerrprp]

I wonder if this guy is gambling.

 

There just isn't a real reason why he can make a lot of money and have nothing to show for it.

 

I don't know, but something is terribly amiss here. Either he doesn't really make as much as Phoe thinks, or he is just throwing it away some how.

[somedude81]

I wonder if this guy is gambling.

 

There just isn't a real reason why he can make a lot of money and have nothing to show for it.

 

Or spending it on drugs, but that's much worse than gambling.

 

Phoe, has he made any big ticket purchases recently?

[MissBee]

Well, I texted him because while it was on my mind I figured I may as well just do it. Not sure if I will be able to see him tonight.

 

He said he will pay me when he gets his next paycheck at the end of the week. So I've got to make things work for now.

 

Didn't he already say this?

 

Did he even apologize or try to explain the hold up?

 

Curious: what will you think or do if when next week comes he doesn't pay you?

 

Also: did you explain you are rationing food and only have $40 to your name? If no, why not? If yes, did he seem to care?

[rester]

Well, I texted him because while it was on my mind I figured I may as well just do it. Not sure if I will be able to see him tonight.

 

He said he will pay me when he gets his next paycheck at the end of the week. So I've got to make things work for now.

 

I just quickly skimmed some of your other threads. Is this the guy that wanted you to move in with him and his mom? The guy that wants you to put your cat in the motorhome? The one that doesn't respect your wishes on your birthday and calls you a pain in the ass about it? The one that insists you've hooked up with one of your coworkers, when you haven't? The one that wants you to hook up with another guy to fulfill a fantasy of his? The one that threw a tantrum because your truck broke down and you couldn't go over and see him?

 

I'm so sorry, but it sounds like you are sacrificing everything for this man and he couldn't care less about you.

[Phoe]

I wonder if this guy is gambling.

 

There just isn't a real reason why he can make a lot of money and have nothing to show for it.

 

there's nowhere to gamble around here. nor does he ever go anywhere but work and home.

 

 

He has normal bills, then he has his bills that are unnecessary in my eyes (pawn shops and storage), then he gives his mom and uncle money, and not long ago his best friend asked for money.

 

 

and then he forgets to pay a bill or is running late, gets late fees stacked up, and his credit plummets even more.

 

 

There are quite a few simple fixes that would help. Getting his stuff out of storage and pawn shops, do budgeting that is beyond just counting numbers in his head (he budgets wrong in his head way too often. he needs to write this stuff down).

 

 

He makes enough money that he should be able to get by paying normal everyday bills, and have enough left for groceries, gas, and a little saving. If he would just let me HELP him... help him budget, let me give him advice, let me kind of take the reigns on his finances a bit and get him back on track. If he would let me make a plan, baby steps.

 

 

Getting his stuff out of storage would be number 1. Almost $200 a month gone when his house and garage are completely empty.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have read some of your threads. I do not get the feeling that this guy really cares about you at all. And you seem like you enjoy that. Why?

Agreed.

 

I hate to say it, but I think this relationship is just going to get worse, until he's being truly awful to her and she's asking how she can tiptoe around better to please him.

 

It's really sad to see. Like I've said many times, Phoe, you can do 100 times better than this guy. I hope you figure that out for yourself someday.

[soccerrprp]

This is kind of how I felt, that keeping tabs on money loaned or spent isn't right, and it really should just be considered a gift.

 

A user's dream....not engaged, not married, hardly an equal relationship, but do just enough to make the other person feel guilty when there should be not guilt. You two are dating AND living together unfortunately. What does he do? Where does he work?

 

 

If I pull some money out of savings I'll be fine, but I feel lousy doing that. I spent 6 months building up that savings.

 

Honey, as you are questioning what you are going to be eating, taking some money out for food is no crime. Do you have an emergency fund? Of course you don't! So, this savings IS your savings AND emergency fund. It's an emergency of sorts, wouldn't you say? Use it to buy food.

[Phoe]

Didn't he already say this?

 

Did he even apologize or try to explain the hold up?

 

Curious: what will you think or do if when next week comes he doesn't pay you?

 

Also: did you explain you are rationing food and only have $40 to your name? If no, why not? If yes, did he seem to care?

 

He said he had to give money to his uncle and mom.

 

 

He said he could take a few purchases back to the store and that would be $30 that he could give me.

 

 

He knows that I am now rationing. He feels really bad.

[MissBee]

He said he had to give money to his uncle and mom.

 

 

He said he could take a few purchases back to the store and that would be $30 that he could give me.

 

 

He knows that I am now rationing. He feels really bad.

 

And do you want to spend the rest of your life this way is the next question?

 

Or do you think things will mysteriously change?

[Phoe]

You two are dating AND living together unfortunately. What does he do? Where does he work?

 

We do not live together. I refused to move in with him.

 

 

He builds solar panels out in the desert. He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week in the boiling hot sun.

 

 

He gets decent money, but works very very hard for it.

[soccerrprp]

He feels really bad.

 

Honey, this doesn't mean squat! Unless he makes some serious short-term changes, this feeling "bad" doesn't mean a thing. Be clear of mind and do not let his surface demonstrations of concern or remorse lull you into complacency. Actions, honey, actions, not next month, now.

[somedude81]

there's nowhere to gamble around here. nor does he ever go anywhere but work and home.

He could be gambling online.

 

Do you live close to the Nevada border? He could be placing bets on the phone.

 

He has normal bills, then he has his bills that are unnecessary in my eyes (pawn shops and storage), then he gives his mom and uncle money, and not long ago his best friend asked for money.

 

 

and then he forgets to pay a bill or is running late, gets late fees stacked up, and his credit plummets even more.

 

 

There are quite a few simple fixes that would help. Getting his stuff out of storage and pawn shops, do budgeting that is beyond just counting numbers in his head (he budgets wrong in his head way too often. he needs to write this stuff down).

Yeah there are several things he could be doing better.

He makes enough money that he should be able to get by paying normal everyday bills, and have enough left for groceries, gas, and a little saving. If he would just let me HELP him... help him budget, let me give him advice, let me kind of take the reigns on his finances a bit and get him back on track. If he would let me make a plan, baby steps.

One reason he may not want you to help him, is that you'd see what he's actually doing with his money.

[MissBee]

Oh, likewise, the guy I gave all that money to, had to give money to his grandmother....then this and that other person....and never gave me back

 

Why was I last (and never) on the list????

 

Same for you and your guy....you give the people you owe FIRST...not dish out money that essentially isn't yours if you've still not returned a loan, to everyone but them! Come on....so essentially if next week comes and his uncle, grandma, bestfriend, whoever needs money their needs are more important than yours and he will "feel bad" that you're going hungry but oh well, grandma, uncle Tim and Joe needed YOUR money more than you need it. Alright.

[Phoe]

He could be gambling online.

 

Do you live close to the Nevada border? He could be placing bets on the phone.

 

 

We're about 2 hours from the border.

 

 

He gambled when he was working at the border. He lived in a hotel 4 days a week while working in Primm. He gambled, but not nearly as badly as his other coworkers, most nights he went back up having won a bit, and if he started losing he walked away calling it a night.

[soccerrprp]

We do not live together. I refused to move in with him.

 

 

He builds solar panels out in the desert. He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week in the boiling hot sun.

 

 

He gets decent money, but works very very hard for it.

 

Okay. Good note. DO not plan to move in with him.

 

I am getting engaged very soon to my gf. It has been agreed that finances will be taken care of by me. The reasons are obvious to both of us. You are clearly the more responsible. If this money issue is going to be corrected, you have to insist that he be open about his finances. For starters, ask him to set aside an achievable amount to be put into your joint savings account. Make him come up with a reasonable amount that he will put in that account no questions asked.

 

I think it interesting that you are the only one who has access to that account. It makes sense that it's b/c you don't trust him and/or he doesn't trust himself, but it's equally interesting that he has managed to contribute only $50 to that joint account that ONLY you have access to. Coincidence?

[soccerrprp]

We're about 2 hours from the border.

 

He gambled when he was working at the border. He lived in a hotel 4 days a week while working in Primm. He gambled, but not nearly as badly as his other coworkers, most nights he went back up having won a bit, and if he started losing he walked away calling it a night.

 

And he's stopped doing this?! Did you insist that he stop gambling or did he volunteer to stop? Please tell me that he isn't gambling and you know this. Please tell me that you insisted that he stop the gambling and didn't just let him go about his business....

[thedj10show]

He could be gambling online.

 

Do you live close to the Nevada border? He could be placing bets on the phone.

 

 

Yeah there are several things he could be doing better.

 

One reason he may not want you to help him, is that you'd see what he's actually doing with his money.

 

Most of the people I know that do this type of thing where they borrow with no intention of repaying or making the person feel mad guilty about it have some sort of vice. Whether it's drugs, gambling, something. They don't want help because they'd have to expose themselves, but hey, they get a cushy ride on the sugar momma train. Phoe, you're a grown woman that is resorting to having to starve herself on Ramen noodles. And his excuse was that he had to give money to his family? They are capable of making their own money as well. Given that, and the fact he wanted to move you in with his family, there may be an unhealthy family dynamic at work. I won't even touch some of the other stuff with the 3-month proposal and him wanting to whore you around.

 

There's no trust.

There's no honesty.

There's no money.

And right now, it seems like there's no happiness.

 

What is there?

[Phoe]

And he's stopped doing this?! Did you insist that he stop gambling or did he volunteer to stop? Please tell me that he isn't gambling and you know this. Please tell me that you insisted that he stop the gambling and didn't just let him go about his business....

 

If there's one thing I know, it's that he's not gambling.

 

 

He has no interest in it. He buys a lotto ticket every now and then, and that's that.

[soccerrprp]

If there's one thing I know, it's that he's not gambling.

 

I love you Phoe. I do. I want you and every other woman in this world to be happy and safe. But it sounds like this may be the only ONE thing you do know for certain right now.

 

Keep on your guard! I take back what I said before. Do not have a joint account. Too early and too risky. You save for yourself and tell your bf to keep up with his own finances in a separate account. If he want your help with this, okay, but keep your money separate from his.

[Shepp]

Nope.

 

 

It was "I'll pay you back on Tuesday" then on Tuesday "I don't have the money yet, I'll pay you on Thursday" - and then time just passed and it was never spoken of again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just hate to seem like a penny pincher and like money is important. If I wasn't struggling right now, I wouldn't care at all about loaning him money, I wouldn't need to be paid back.

 

 

Especially if I were to ask him and he doesn't have the money, I don't want to make him feel bad or cause a problem.

 

Your entitled to a simple "Hey babe, i could really do with that two hundred back now"

[Phoe]

For starters, ask him to set aside an achievable amount to be put into your joint savings account. Make him come up with a reasonable amount that he will put in that account no questions asked.

 

I think it interesting that you are the only one who has access to that account. It makes sense that it's b/c you don't trust him and/or he doesn't trust himself, but it's equally interesting that he has managed to contribute only $50 to that joint account that ONLY you have access to. Coincidence?

 

He makes about $900 a week, and he agreed he would put $50-$100 in every week or two weeks. He did that once, and has to take it back out.

 

 

I made the savings account with the expectation that it was only going to be used by me, that he would do his own saving.

 

 

I make about $900 a month. I was putting aside about $100 a month, give or take. Sometimes more.

 

 

after a few months of agreeing we would start saving, I had $700 and he had $0. That's when HE decided that the only way proper saving would happen on his end, was if he gave the money to me to save, where he would not be able to touch it.

 

 

Of course, when he didn't have money to get gas, I had to pull it back out.

[rester]

If there's one thing I know, it's that he's not gambling.

 

 

He has no interest in it. He buys a lotto ticket every now and then, and that's that.

 

I'm not one to accuse anyone of anything without proper evidence, so if there's no evidence of him gambling, that may not the problem. I do see you making a lot of excuses for him. What about him makes him someone you want to share a future with?

[Keenly]

900 a week and he still needs to be borrowing money from people?

 

I couldn't even spend that much money fast enough to run out.