Phantom888 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 As stated earlier, ask for the money back so you can eat. If you are close enough to consider marriage, then you should be able to talk about this. You two need to have your basic needs met. If you are really desperate, you might consider working for an escort service for some quick cash. You'll get $1000 a night easily. But if that's not your style, then you should consider breaking up and finding someone who at least has his act together. A broke man is pitiful.... I've been there....sucks. 1
amaysngrace Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 My diet has gone to crap since I started dating him. He knows it too, and feels badly. I used to focus SO much on protein. Protein was my favorite. My meals would be meat, rice/pasta, and veggies. Dairy is not my friend. I work out a lot so protein was always very essential. The past 2 weeks I haven't made it to the gym at all. Haven't been feeling up to it. I've been losing a bit of muscle tone and gaining a bit of fat. He says it's normal to get comfortable and gain weight in a relationship. Admittedly, he does like my body better now that it's a little fattier and less toned. Says he doesn't wanna feel like he's having sex with a man, that a woman ought not have much muscle. Ugh...do you ever think of your needs with this guy or just switch it off and make it about him? It's like you're saying he feels bad about your new crappy eating pattern and you dismiss the fact that you aren't eating properly by saying he prefers that your body isn't as healthy when he hugs up on you. Do you hear yourself? 9
somedude81 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 As stated earlier, ask for the money back so you can eat. If you are close enough to consider marriage, then you should be able to talk about this. You two need to have your basic needs met. They were talking about marriage after dating for three months...
Author Phoe Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Ugh...do you ever think of your needs with this guy or just switch it off and make it about him? It's like you're saying he feels bad about your new crappy eating pattern and you dismiss the fact that you aren't eating properly by saying he prefers that your body isn't as healthy when he hugs up on you. Do you hear yourself? We do compromise on the food. I still eat healthier when I have the means, my diet just isn't as on point as it was before. I try to get him eating healthier too, he will try for a while, but gives up too quickly. He's got a bit of extra weight on him and sometimes worries that by not taking care of his body now, he won't be around as long in the future. He joined the gym with me and went for about 2 weeks, but then quit again.
amaysngrace Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 We do compromise on the food. I still eat healthier when I have the means, my diet just isn't as on point as it was before. I try to get him eating healthier too, he will try for a while, but gives up too quickly. He's got a bit of extra weight on him and sometimes worries that by not taking care of his body now, he won't be around as long in the future. He joined the gym with me and went for about 2 weeks, but then quit again. He doesn't sound like a good catch Phoe. Instead of you pulling him up it seems like he is bringing you down. How long have you been together? 3
KathyM Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 As stated earlier, ask for the money back so you can eat. If you are close enough to consider marriage, then you should be able to talk about this. You two need to have your basic needs met. If you are really desperate, you might consider working for an escort service for some quick cash. You'll get $1000 a night easily. But if that's not your style, then you should consider breaking up and finding someone who at least has his act together. A broke man is pitiful.... I've been there....sucks. Having sex with three random creepy dudes a night to get cash is not good advice. I'm finding it hard to believe that you would be planning to marry someone, but are afraid to ask for the money you loaned him, or afraid to ask him for some support if you are having a hard time financially. Something is amiss here. 2
rester Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 There isn't going to be one. I guess he cancelled his deposit on the ring since he is low on money, and told me instead of spending money on an engagement ring AND a wedding ring, that he will skip the engagement ring and just get a nice wedding ring. Are you considering marrying this guy?! I assumed this was someone you had only been seeing for a few months or so. Are you engaged? I would not, under any circumstances, recommend marrying someone that you can't have a simple conversation about returning borrowed money, or at least know well enough to be able to gauge his reaction to the conversation. I know this isn't what you are asking advice on, but I think it's a little crazy to be considering marriage if you are uncomfortable asking for borrowed money back. Maybe he feels it's no issue, since you will be getting married and sharing finances soon? It doesn't sound like that's the case, but it's a possibility and you will only know if you ask for it back. In any case, before you get more serious with this guy, you need to be comfortable bringing these sorts of things up. 2
somedude81 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 He doesn't sound like a good catch Phoe. Instead of you pulling him up it seems like he is bringing you down. How long have you been together? Look over her past threads. It's one issue after another. She feels she's lucky to have him. 1
2sunny Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I paid 180 for one bill, 110 in gas, and 50 for his dues at work. I'd be okay with even just half of that. Maybe just the bill payment. I'm not fussed about money for gas, everyone needs gas. The repayment for his strorage bill would be enough to get me by You aren't standing up for yourself! This will be a problem throughout your whole R if you don't start speaking your truth! "I need my money and I need it today!" Should suffice! It was on loan - and was due back weeks ago! When you sacrifice too much of yourself for others that it looks concerning/unhealthy - you have an issue to deal with. Research codependency. You've given too much and he's giving too little = things are out of balance because you've allowed it to be. Speak up today. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 There isn't going to be one. I guess he cancelled his deposit on the ring since he is low on money, and told me instead of spending money on an engagement ring AND a wedding ring, that he will skip the engagement ring and just get a nice wedding ring. Phoe, I am very sorry, but you have yourself a real winner there. A wedding ring is a fraction of engagement ringer traditionally. And if you're not the materialistic type, there's no reason he can't get both at a reasonable price. BTW, this isn't something that is going to happen soon, right? So, he can start saving. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 They were talking about marriage after dating for three months... Please say it isn't so! 3-months and he's broke????? No way! As I have always said, one should not propose unless you are ready to marry. This guy is nowhere near that!!! Phoe, do not be clouded by this engagement/wedding fantasy, which it very well is right now. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of financially. Don't accept an engagement until he has his ***** together and then some! ...please... 2
MissBee Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 He doesn't sound like a good catch Phoe. Instead of you pulling him up it seems like he is bringing you down. How long have you been together? !!! If aspects of your life....like your health and your finances...major things like that are getting WORSE because of your relationship...maybe you need to rethink it. I only want people adding positively to my life and helping me to grow and be who and where I want to be, not anyone where they or the dynamics of the relationship are bringing me down, causing me to stagnate or where I have to be pushing them and propping them up in life. I certainly would never consider marrying anyone where that was the case. 6
Babolat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) My reply got messed up; here is what it should have looked like: I made the unfortuante mistake of loaning my ex money about 3 weeks before we agreed to stop seeing each other. It was a lot more than $200 too. She did not know how to manage money, spent it when she had it, and I swore to myself I would never loan her money, and I never did, until then. She was crying, said she made a mistake, needed to cover a pay day loan, blah blah blah. I waited about 30 minutes then wrote her a check. She agreed to pay me back $100 a month and even put it in an emal. That was almost 6 months ago. When we agreed to stop see each other about 3 months ago one of the last things she said to me was she would be paying me back very soon. Right now I don't care about the money. I just want to "close" this so I am not thinking about it. I come home a couple of times a week expecting to see an envelope inside my door. Today, I finally replied to one of her last "I plan to pay you back" emails with this: "I have been thinking about the money that I loaned you and your intention to pay it back. I have not heard from you about the loan. I do not want to make assumptions so I am replying to this email to check in with you. I know a lot has gone on between that time and today. I thought it would be best if we decided what to do about it now. I prefer to not have the loan hanging over us. I prefer to not have to think about it and I feel more comfortable sorting it out now so we both know where we stand. I will feel better when it’s sorted out and it's my best guess you will, too. Getting this organized now would be useful for us both I think. I'm glad I was able to help you. I know that stuff happens, and we all need someone to lean on at times." Your situation is a little different in that you are still together, but not really IMHO. He needs to pay you back now, and hopefully you learned a valuable lesson about loaning money in arelationship; I did. I a;so started a thread on this a while back: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/458003-would-you-loan-your-dating-partner-money Edited May 19, 2014 by Babolat
Author Phoe Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Phoe, I am very sorry, but you have yourself a real winner there. A wedding ring is a fraction of engagement ringer traditionally. And if you're not the materialistic type, there's no reason he can't get both at a reasonable price. BTW, this isn't something that is going to happen soon, right? So, he can start saving. He's very bad at saving. We're currently trying to save to live together. We have a savings account that is our joint pool of money, but only I have access to it. I've saved $700, he saved $50, and then asked me to take the $50 back out for him about 3 days later. If it was up to him, we'd be married already legally. No wedding, no ring. I'm not fussed about an engagement ring, but I do need a wedding ring if I'm married. He says he knows I deserve an amazing ring and an amazing wedding, but he knows I don't NEED all that and says maybe 20 years down the line we can have a real wedding and an amazing ring.
somedude81 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 He's very bad at saving. We're currently trying to save to live together. We have a savings account that is our joint pool of money, but only I have access to it. I've saved $700, he saved $50, and then asked me to take the $50 back out for him about 3 days later. If it was up to him, we'd be married already legally. No wedding, no ring. I'm not fussed about an engagement ring, but I do need a wedding ring if I'm married. He says he knows I deserve an amazing ring and an amazing wedding, but he knows I don't NEED all that and says maybe 20 years down the line we can have a real wedding and an amazing ring. I hope you know that you're going to end up paying for your own amazing wedding and ring.
Author Phoe Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Please say it isn't so! 3-months and he's broke????? No way! As I have always said, one should not propose unless you are ready to marry. This guy is nowhere near that!!! Phoe, do not be clouded by this engagement/wedding fantasy, which it very well is right now. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of financially. Don't accept an engagement until he has his ***** together and then some! ...please... lol you don't have to worry. He already proposed and I said no. He knows I won't marry him this quickly.
xxoo Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 There isn't going to be one. I guess he cancelled his deposit on the ring since he is low on money, and told me instead of spending money on an engagement ring AND a wedding ring, that he will skip the engagement ring and just get a nice wedding ring. What is wrong with the picture of you quietly subsisting on ramen while he's saving up for a wedding ring? 3
Author Phoe Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 I hope you know that you're going to end up paying for your own amazing wedding and ring. Well I want a small wedding. It would be very cheap, not to mention my parents would chip in a portion. I am good at saving and would easily be able to save up the amount needed for the small wedding I'd like. He's on his own for the ring. He knows what he wants, knows I would like it, and knows what he has to save for it.
Babolat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 he won't be around as long in the future. He joined the gym with me and went for about 2 weeks, but then quit again. Sounds like he will not be around that long then. Phoe, please go back and read all of your posts on this thread, objectively, like you were not Phoe, rather one of us. Listen to yourself. You give all of us the same amazing advice we are giving you. Be objective here. This is such a toxic situation and now money has been brought into it. 3
carhill Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 The cost of not sleeping in the motorhome is 200.00. OP, I haven't followed your threads but, if this guy is living with you, kick him out, today. Sure, you may never get the 200 back, and my general feeling about 'loaning' money to intimates is that it's a gift (saves on bullets), but no need to perpetuate the scenario that caused you to loan/give the guy 200 bucks. Consider the 200 the cost of doing business and move on. Dollars to donuts if you pressure him on this, he'll either bail or give you the sweet talk and suddenly 'sell something' (meaning he borrowed from another person) to come up with the money to 'make it all better'. This is a personality type, otherwise known as a 'taker'. They're like bees, moving from flower to flower throughout life, extracting what they can and then moving on. Heck, bees should probably be offended, since they contribute to the community (hive) and support a queen. Anyway, adios this sucker and his dishes. That's my .02 as a old fart. 2
Author Phoe Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Well, I texted him because while it was on my mind I figured I may as well just do it. Not sure if I will be able to see him tonight. He said he will pay me when he gets his next paycheck at the end of the week. So I've got to make things work for now. 1
somedude81 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Well I want a small wedding. It would be very cheap, not to mention my parents would chip in a portion. I am good at saving and would easily be able to save up the amount needed for the small wedding I'd like. He's on his own for the ring. He knows what he wants, knows I would like it, and knows what he has to save for it. Take a minute to think about what it would actually be liked to be married to him. For one, the only money you guys would have, would be the money you make. Of course you'd be supporting him. Unless you completely take over his finances and manage his money for him. But then that would just make you his mother. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 He's very bad at saving. We're currently trying to save to live together. We have a savings account that is our joint pool of money, but only I have access to it. I've saved $700, he saved $50, and then asked me to take the $50 back out for him about 3 days later. If it was up to him, we'd be married already legally. No wedding, no ring. I'm not fussed about an engagement ring, but I do need a wedding ring if I'm married. He says he knows I deserve an amazing ring and an amazing wedding, but he knows I don't NEED all that and says maybe 20 years down the line we can have a real wedding and an amazing ring. Phoe, You have always struck me as a sensible, sensitive and worthy woman. Listen. This guy is broke. He is now leaning on you, and I suspect, it will not get much better, for financial support. He doesn't know how to save??? The concept is very simple. More in than out. Budget. You two are already and clearly not financially compatible. Finances are top 3 reasons for break-ups, divorce. Men use the "specter" of engagements/weddings to trap women. Women love the idea that one day her man is going to sweep her off her feet and wedding bells will chime. This guy can't even sweep the dust off your coffee table w/o asking for money! Wake up NOW. 3
Author Phoe Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 OP, I haven't followed your threads but, if this guy is living with you, kick him out, today. Sure, you may never get the 200 back, and my general feeling about 'loaning' money to intimates is that it's a gift (saves on bullets), but no need to perpetuate the scenario that caused you to loan/give the guy 200 bucks. Consider the 200 the cost of doing business and move on. This is kind of how I felt, that keeping tabs on money loaned or spent isn't right, and it really should just be considered a gift. If I pull some money out of savings I'll be fine, but I feel lousy doing that. I spent 6 months building up that savings.
somedude81 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Phoe, You have always struck me as a sensible, sensitive and worthy woman. Listen. This guy is broke. He is now leaning on you, and I suspect, it will not get much better, for financial support. He doesn't know how to save??? The concept is very simple. More in than out. Budget. You two are already and clearly not financially compatible. Finances are top 3 reasons for break-ups, divorce. Men use the "specter" of engagements/weddings to trap women. Women love the idea that one day her man is going to sweep her off her feet and wedding bells will chime. This guy can't even sweep the dust off your coffee table w/o asking for money! Wake up NOW. I wonder if this guy is gambling. There just isn't a real reason why he can make a lot of money and have nothing to show for it. 1
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