I don't know what to do

[Meeshell]

Firstly, my boyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I was devastated. We were together for 7 months. We did, however, move in too fast. After 5 months of dating, he moved in with me. He didn't talk to me much for about 8 days. Maybe a few words here and there.. "I hope you're okay." etc; On the 9th day, he told me how much he missed me. He wanted to meet up with me and hang out. So, I did. He hugged me for the longest time. Kissed me. Told me how sorry he was. How much he loved me. At that point, he had me convinced we were still together. That night, he came over. He came over for the next 3 nights. We didn't do anything. We just hung out, cuddled, watched movies. It seemed as if he was standoffish, which, later came out that he was. I had a lot of trust issues. I was single for 5 years. In 2007, I went through a divorce which involved a lot of physical and mental abuse. I let me walls down for him. I mean, he literally waited a year for me. He was always at my parents house talking about me. Asked me out on a date, etc; We had a fantastic time. In October of last year, I finally let me walls officially down and we started a relationship. It was the most amazing relationship I ever experienced. Everything was literally perfect and it was everything I had ever looked for in my life. When you know, you know. And I knew, in my heart, he was my soulmate.

 

Anyway, he met a friend who loved fishing. I had no idea he loved fishing as much as he did, because he never went out or spoke about it. The fishing turned into all nighters. Going out from 5 until about 230. Sometimes, he wouldn't come home at all. He used to excuse of, "Well, you were going to be mad anyway, so what's the point of coming home?" I used to get mad at him. And rightfully so. He was just always gone. No, I don't believe he was cheating. But, I do believe that he started to draw away from me but put his blame on me for his actions. I tried to be understanding, but it just never worked. Then, because of this, my mind started wondering, and I felt like there was another reason why he was always out. So, I started snooping. Not the best of ideas. Because I was looking for something that wasn't there. But, I felt as if my mistrust was valid. He hated that. It made him mad. So he stayed out more. Anyway, we fought a lot. He would leave. I would always be home by myself. I literally feel like he felt that he thought the grass was greener on the otherside, because he let everything go. Himself, his job. Everything. Just didn't care about anything anymore.

 

During this time of the break up, I've lost 19lbs in about 15 days. I don't eat, I don't sleep. I cry. I've had nightmares about him (literally) almost every night. I'm completely and utterly depressed. I wake up every morning with the worst anxiety that doesn't go away. I can't get out of bed. I cry all the time. I have the hardest time trying to get my son off to school in the morning. On Mother's day, he said he would come over the next day. I didn't hear from him. The next day, he said he fell asleep. And on the 3rd day, he said he just can't be around me all the time if he's trying to fix his life. I felt that was a blow to the stomach, considering that he's been going out fishing and hanging out with friends. Why would it be only me that would prevent him from doing what he needed to do? I made the mistake of giving him ultimatums. I told him to come pick up the rest of his stuff and drop off mine. Which, he still left a lot of his stuff here. I don't even understand why. When he showed up, he said, it's just not going to work. And, we should just be friends. And, I still love you and care about you. But, for the past couple of days prior, he was telling me he doesn't want me out of his life entirely, that he still wants to try, he doesn't want to give up. All of that kind of stuff. When I broke down when he told me that, he took my by my hand and told me he loved me. Said, "Please don't cry." Kissed me. When he went to kiss me, I told him not to do that unless he meant it. He said he did. He hugged me again. Kissed me neck. Said I promise I will come talk to you tonight. He never did. He said it was because he doesn't like to see me upset.

 

He basically told me that he needs space and time. That we should be friends for right now and take things slow. Take it day by day and see where that goes. I don't understand. He told me "I've been down this road twice before and it never worked." Meaning, his ex wife and ex girlfriend. So, basically saying since it didn't work with them, it won't work with me. I'm driving myself crazy here. Typing this was difficult to not cry. My anxiety is so bad that I'm shaking. The depression has gotten so bad that I just wanted to admit myself to the hospital to be medicated, so I wouldn't have to deal with reality. I've never experienced any kind of depression like this. Even with my ex husband, the physical and mental abuse was traumatic, but I was never this depressed. No hobby's, movies or social events get me out of this rut. I just feel stuck.

 

Is there any hope here? I've been going to therapy. She said because of not eating, I'm just slowly killing myself. I've literally ate maybe a handful of times in the past 17 (?) days. I feel hopeless. Hurt. And just downright miserable.

 

Also - I must add. On Thursday we tried talking on the phone. Prior to talking, I was so upset and angry that I blocked him on Facebook. Unfortunately, so did my parents and my family removed him from Facebook. He wrote, "Wow you blocked me on Facebook. No need to talk anymore. I'm done." He refused to talk until yesterday. We exchanged some hateful words, which we're both not proud of, but recently apologized for.

Edited May 19, 2014 by Meeshell

[Strength in Healing]

Sometimes I am blunt.

 

This dude is a little b****. He needs to grow the hell up, and this is probably WHY it didn't work with his ex wife and ex gf.

 

Also, clearly, he is comparing you to them.

 

Run for your life, for God's sake, this guy is an IDIOT. An immature "victim" who needs sense knocked into him, and needs therapy.

 

Have a sunny day.

[Meeshell]

Sometimes I am blunt.

 

This dude is a little b****. He needs to grow the hell up, and this is probably WHY it didn't work with his ex wife and ex gf.

 

Also, clearly, he is comparing you to them.

 

Run for your life, for God's sake, this guy is an IDIOT. An immature "victim" who needs sense knocked into him, and needs therapy.

 

Have a sunny day.

 

I have to agree. Did I mention he's 36? I'm 30. His friend is 26 and his friends' girlfriend is 19. Hmm.. He used to complain about how much his ex wife and ex girlfriend were so crazy. Now, going through all of this, I see the problem of craziness resides within him, not us. He's always compared me. "Well, my friends girlfriend doesn't whine about him being out all night" and blah, blah, blah. Comparing.

 

Just last week, my therapist told me I'm co-dependent. I guess it manifests from my childhood, from what she gathered. Anyway, I think that is influencing my feelings as of right now. I feel abandoned.

 

Also, I've been reading LifeGoesOnMan's little guide to NC. I think that'll do. After reading everything I wrote and what you responded with, I think I'm crazy for wanting him back. Then again, I see who he used to be and that's the person who I fell in love with. Perhaps this is a lost cause as of now and that NC will make him see the light. It kills him when I don't talk to him. However, I need to regain my power back in my life. Seriously, after reading the NC guide, I feel a tad bit more positive right now. Ooooh, the emotional rollercoaster. UGH.

[Meeshell]

Also, can anyone give me some advice and input on NC? I understand the basics, but I have many questions.

 

1. I know to not reply to anything besides, "I want to work things out with you." Does this mean I do not respond to any, "Can we talk?" or "I want to see you." "I love you." or "I miss you." I think I read that the only response I should give to him is the first one I stated. But, I just want to confirm? =/

 

He likes to randomly send me messages and say how much he misses and love me. To which I reply with the same. It seems that NC is the only way to go. I feel as if I'm being strung along, dangling from a string. I told him not to give me false hope, he said he wasn't. As I sit here today, I believe he was giving me false hope.

 

Mmm.. I don't know. Just need some input on NC.

[Meeshell]

It's only been day 2. My ex broke up with me on the 2nd of this month. It was an agonizing experience.. (I previously posted about it). I initiated the no contact because I needed to help myself and not allow myself to be strung along. Surprisingly, I have felt pretty good for the past 2 days.

 

My ex sent me a text yesterday evening with -

"Just wanted to say hi and hope you're okay. :)"

 

He then responded with a few sad faces, in which I thought was accidentally. He's done it before. He then sends a text again and asks -

"Do you have my MP3 Player?" This was just a ploy to try and get me to talk to him. Especially since I told him he needed to get the remainder of his things out of my house, he said "I don't want anything." Therefore, he already made the decision to not pick them up.

 

He sent another text later with -

"I hope you're not ignoring me. If you have to, I understand. Just hoping you're okay. Goodnight."

 

Then, I get a text just now -

"I get it. I won't text anymore."

 

I'm genuinely confused. I don't know if I should reply with, "Sorry I've been busy. I'm fine, thanks." Or continue to ignore him. Mind you, during all of this mess, he has told me he doesn't want to give up, still try, still loves me and cares for me, but needs space/time and fix his life. But then has thrown things at me, "Lets just be friends. Take it day by day, take it slow and go from there." I don't even know what to do right now and I'm trying to come here for some moral support.

[STM206]

Sounds like he's fishing for attention. He broke up with you and is totally dropping a breadcrumb trail. If he wants to try and make things work, he will let it be known.

 

I personally would try and refrain from replying - I don't think it will benefit you in the slightest.

[Zahara]

I'm not sure what you are confused about. The guy is an emotional manipulator. This is what dumpers do. They keep you on the backburner while they decide what they truly want to do. And dumpees like you that stick around after a break-up only assist them with making a smooth transition into their next quest.

 

Of course he's going to text you with silly, meaningless text messages. It's to keep the attachment alive. It gives them attention when they need it. It gives them an ego boost to know that you still desire and want them in your life. It helps dull the effects of the break-up for them.

 

You NC. You stay with it until you are healed. If he has to fix his life, he doesn't get to fix it while you stand in the corner as a crutch.

[Chi townD]

GOOD! Hope he gets the clue!

 

When he broke up with you, he stated that he would call you up that night. He never did. See, he put more value on fishing and hanging out with others over your relationship! Now, I'm not saying anything is wrong with that. But, he was willing to end a relationship to have it. So, how is that fair to you?

 

No one has to explain NC rules to you. I think you know what they are "I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I'll do anything to get you back." anything else is just breadcrumbs. Certainly, "Do you still have my MP3 player?" isn't what I just wrote. The thing is he knew he devastated you and now he's starting to feel guilty. He was hoping beyond hope that you would have responded back with, "HEY! How you doing? Yeah, I'm fine! How's your family?" That would have eased his guilt and he would have cut that conversation short, he got what he wanted and that was to see that you were okay and no hard feelings.

 

By staying NC, you give him nothing! He has no idea where your head is at. He doesn't know if you hate him, if your sad or happy, or even indifferent towards him! He knows nothing! And you know what? It's none of his damn business to know how you are! He gave up that right!

[Meeshell]

Thanks, guys. I did forget to mention that he said, "k sorry for bothering you." Meh. The NC is actually making me feel like I'm getting my self power back. Meaning, I'm in control of my feelings now and I won't allow him or anyone else to string me along anymore or allow myself to be a doormat.

 

When I received the text, I just hurried here to get advice, because I knew I would dwell on it for hours and end up replying. I haven't cried in 2 days. I think that's a plus. In control of my feelings. Of course it makes my heart drop when he sends me texts, etc; Especially those that say, "I get it. I won't text anymore."

 

As I'm responding to this, he literally just called from a friends number. Didn't ignore it. Didn't answer it. Had it go straight to voicemail. I feel like I'm getting stronger each day with NC. Even though it is extremely hard and gives me immense amounts of anxiety, but I can tell you all this.. I'm getting stronger.

 

Thank you guys for your advice. It truly helps.

[Chi townD]

If it was from a friends number how did you know it was from him? Did you listen to the voicemail?

 

Regardless, here's the rub. He dated you for a while. If what he has to say to you is extremely important, he knows exactly where you live. Nothing is stopping him from going over there and knocking on the door. But, he feels you only warrant a couple of texts and a round-about phonecall. If there's something I want. I mean, I REALLY want it? Then, I would go through anything to get it.

[Zahara]

"I get it, I won't text anymore." Translation: Hopefully this will provoke her to respond.

 

Then he calls from your friend's phone. He realizes he is losing control and needs to regain it.

 

Stay NC and do not respond to anything -- unless he's breaking down your door begging for another chance. Then you can decide how you want to respond!

[Meeshell]

I heard his voice before he hung up. I couldn't make out the words, but I knew it was him.

 

He realizes he is losing control and needs to regain it.

 

^^This is exactly what I believe he's feeling. I also feel, even though it's only 2 days, that he believes I'm officially gone. I told him once previously that if he ever just wanted to be friends after a break up, that I would completely disappear from his life. Completely. He would never see me, hear about me or talk to me. I can't do friends. Maybe years from now, but not right now. There are too many emotions, too many invested feelings. Just no. I could see hurting myself that way and that's not what I want to do. I just don't see why being friends so quickly after dating for quite some time is beneficial.

 

"I don't want to be out of your life entirely." PFFFFT.

 

I'm getting to the point where I sadly (but maybe it's a good thing) that I don't care anymore. Like most of you said, if he wants me or anything like that, he knows exactly where I live. He can make the effort. Because right now, I need to keep my emotional health priority and with him stringing me along, it doesn't help. My physical health suffers for it.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Meeshell

[Zahara]

I'll just caution you that now he's grasping for you, it creates almost like a little ego boost, hence you feel somewhat capable of dealing with this. Once the contact drops and you stop hearing from him, things may change in that you'll fear that he's moved on, etc. You may panic and feel the need to rekindle or get him to reattach.

 

Just stay the course. It's going to be so much more rewarding when you're emotionally free from him.

[Poppyolive]

My ex did this for months, but he became angry in his texts...ex have my jeans? I didn't reply, "guess your keeping all my stuff then" it used to get me so stressed, I gave him everything he asked for, little did I know that it was just his way of getting attention. He once asked for his runners,I told him to come get his stuff in a box instead of every few days, him texting for something new...(I believe it was all to provoke reactions from me). When he did come for the stuff I made myself scarce, he fidgeted around and only took his speakers and some clothes and left....it was then I realized its all a game. The stuff meant nothing as it had made out, It didn't stop either until I pulled the plug and removed him everywhere. He will try for months. Do yourself a favour and avoid what I endured. I signed up here too late, I'm glad you're here for the beginning.

 

 

Don't reply and block him everywhere.

[Meeshell]

I'll just caution you that now he's grasping for you, it creates almost like a little ego boost, hence you feel somewhat capable of dealing with this. Once the contact drops and you stop hearing from him, things may change in that you'll fear that he's moved on, etc. You may panic and feel the need to rekindle or get him to reattach.

 

Just stay the course. It's going to be so much more rewarding when you're emotionally free from him.

 

Yeah. I think that could be a possibility as to why I'm feeling the way I do right now. I know with his past 2 relationships, he crawled back. Literally. Well, I can't say for certain about his ex before me, but with his ex wife, yes. He did. He was in contact with his ex wife during that period of time that he was "waiting". Irrelevant, I suppose. Because we weren't seeing each other.

 

During the year that he was "waiting for me", he started dating someone for 3 days. He broke it off. Said she was weird. She made claims on how she couldn't get pregnant. He just saw it as a red flag. Who knows. I got jealous. Silly me. He then started seeing my guy friend come hang out with me from time to time. And he admitted that he became super jealous because of it. Once the jealousy started, he pursued me harder. We lived in the same apartment complex, so we 'always' saw each other every day. Instead of going the normal way out of the driveway to leave, he would literally drive by my place purposely. Sigh. He used to talk to my parents about how depressed and lonely he was. I guess his divorce took a massive toll on him. (Again, these are his words and they seem to not be so true after all) Now, he's told me on 3 occasions that he feels lonely and depressed again. That he feels like he's meant to be alone. How does one even respond to that? When he told me, I said.. "Look, no one is meant to be alone. But you have to figure out yourself and fix yourself before you go out hurting someone again. You're not the victim. You chose to leave me and chose your friends over me." Apparently that was a hateful and mean comment.

 

Anyway, I have no idea why I just wrote all of that. I guess I was just venting. A part of me knows that he's extremely stubborn when it comes to things he can't have. I can't exactly 'say' for sure that me being able to go through this is because it's a slight ego-boost, but I can say that him grasping for me and me not giving him the satisfaction of a reply gives me a slight bit of gratification, only because he's getting a taste of his own medicine. I'm not exactly sure if that's the correct mindset I should have. But, as of right now, I feel like he made his bed and now he has to lay in it. I sat around miserable for weeks. I was in bed for days. He needs to be miserable now. It's my time to go ahead and get my life back.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Meeshell

[Zahara]

Now, he's told me on 3 occasions that he feels lonely and depressed again. That he feels like he's meant to be alone. How does one even respond to that? When he told me, I said.. "Look, no one is meant to be alone. But you have to figure out yourself and fix yourself before you go out hurting someone again. You're not the victim. You chose to leave me and chose your friends over me." Apparently that was a hateful and mean comment.

 

Of course it was a hateful comment. You made him responsible for his actions and decisions. Instead of catering to his dysfunction, you called him out on it. For someone that likes to be in control, it's not what they like to hear. Your comment turned it on him and it made him realize that he cannot manipulate you.

 

You're going to be fine, Meeshell. I know it's painful and confusing but as time goes by you'll get more clarity. Yes, get your life back. All he's done if hold you back. Keep venting. It's always good to purge those bad emotions and thoughts out.

[Elle1975]

Thanks, guys. I did forget to mention that he said, "k sorry for bothering you."

 

That's a manipulation too. So obvious. This guy is a real peach. Block his phone number all together. Really, really not worth you time. He'll suck the life out of you. Ugh!!

[Meeshell]

I went out with family last night and had a couple of drinks. I got weak and responded back to his text with "I'm as best as I can be." I figured that was the best neutral response I could give him. I got no reply. Of course. I should have known better. I didn't cry, though. Just had the anxiety over and over again. I'm having a harder time trying to get to sleep and every night for the past few nights, I just have reoccurring dreams of him. Mostly bad. Some that wake me up and say "Thank God that was just a dream."

 

Anyway, I'm back to square one. One small mistake doesn't mean I can't get back on track. I've been writing in a journal to express myself. It's been helping. I made an entirely list of all the negative things he has said. All the excuses during our relationship. When we first got together, we had great intimacy. Then, after a few months it went to - "I don't want to get you pregnant", "I don't like condoms", "It's too hot", "I'm too tired", "You won't get naked", You're too negative", "You won't initiate". Or, an instance where he laid next to me in bed late in the morning trying to initiate with me. I was clearly awake. He then got up and went to the bathroom. Only for me to find traces of his business in the toilet. Or, using the "I've been neglecting my girlfriend." But in reality, he was just using that so that I would be in a better mood and give him the go to go fishing. It's just things like that that make me look back on our relationship and think, "Why do I even want him back?"

 

All of these things that he told me, all the excuses.. All of the mistrust that existed, was completely valid because of his actions. He made me feel like I needed help with my "negativity." But, in reality, I started going to therapy for all the wrong reasons. Because, I am not the person that needs to be fixed. It's him. And he's manipulated me to the point where I felt as if something was wrong with me. Narcissistic.

 

I'm just done. I can't do it any longer. I need to officially disappear from his world. Not because it proves that I'm gone, but because I will no longer allow him to do this to me. No contact. Blocking his number. Everything. He does not exist to me.

[Zahara]

No contact. Blocking his number. Everything. He does not exist to me.

 

Follow through with blocking his number and deleting it. This way you aren't triggered by any of his contact and you're not tempted to reach out. Block him on email as well. You owe this to yourself.

[Meeshell]

Follow through with blocking his number and deleting it. This way you aren't triggered by any of his contact and you're not tempted to reach out. Block him on email as well. You owe this to yourself.

 

Done and done. Having a bad day today. But, I'll be alright.

[Chi townD]

Done and done. Having a bad day today. But, I'll be alright.

 

Then do something nice for yourself. Go get your hair done. Go get a massage. Go shopping for a new outfit. Reward yourself for taking a step forward on a new path.

[Meeshell]

Well, I thought I had him blocked on Facebook? I deleted all of our emails, so I couldn't see anything. Was chatting with a friend and then I get a notification..

 

"B. has poked you." Heart drops immediately. Then, "B. wants to be friends on FB." I started shaking. Literally shaking. And then, to put the icing on the cake, I had him tagged in a status months ago about how lucky I am, how much I love him, etc; He then liked it. I broke down. Shaking. My whole body shaking. I sat down for a second and said, "NO. Don't let this happen. (I'm talking to myself at this point) Think logically. Do not react right now. Don't. Just don't. Think. Think. Don't react."

 

I don't freaking get this. My emotions are insanely high right now. Gotta clear my head.

 

-edit- while typing this, I double checked my blocked list. I blocked the wrong person? There's 3 accounts under his name. All that have no pictures. Should have blocked all 3.

[Chi townD]

YES!!!! BLOCK ALL 3!!!!! Damn! This dude is persistent!

[Zahara]

He sent another text later with -

"I hope you're not ignoring me. If you have to, I understand. Just hoping you're okay. Goodnight."

 

Then, I get a text just now -

"I get it. I won't text anymore."

 

This text conversation. He understands perfectly why you are cutting contact. He even acknowledged it. Dumpers are not idiots.

 

Everything that he said above meant nothing. The boundary that you desire, he does not want to respect because the priority to him isn't you, but it's all about him.

 

He will try and bust your boundaries till he gets you where he wants you to be. If there are three profiles named Arsehole on there, block all three. If he creates another profile, block that too. If his communication meant anything more, he would have said it by now.

 

Yes, don't react. Take a few minutes away from everything and just calm yourself down. Rationalize this in your head.

[Chi townD]

And I still stand by what I say, do something nice for yourself today, you've earned it.