Simon Phoenix Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I guess I'm not making myself clear. I obviously saw her drinking habits over 3 months and it wasn't a big deal. then she went on one bender and for some reason I felt like we had to have a "talk" about her drinking. I am questioning whether I should have kept my mouth shut and I probably could have not cared about her drinking. probably. At most I would have liked a conversation to establish that it wouldn't get worse, and that she would not drink and drive. I just wanted a conversation. It wasn't an ultimatum. but she wouldn't even have the conversation. Anyway, maybe this is foggy post-dumped thinking. I just wish I had put more thought into the "intervention" that I had with her. So I'm back to the original question, should I break NC and ask to at least talk about this, and apologize for perhaps being over dramatic, or do I keep NC. She is stubborn and will not contact me, so it's totally up to me to reach out. But then she said these things: "you are different to me now", "I will always resent you", "it's done", "it's a waste of time to try again". I think those are very clear signs... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no (get the point?)
BC1980 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong to be honest (except the driving drunk park, which is disgusting). It matters whether or not it bothers you. It bothered you enough to say something about it, and the fact that she turned on you right away should be enough to show you where you rank in her life. Exactly. The issue isn't really with morality but if her lifestyle is compatible with his.
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 OP, you have to look at the bigger picture. You're trying to salve these temporary feelings by trying to get back with her. All for the wrong reasons because even if you went back to her, she will continue that lifestyle. The compatibility issue will still exist. 1
KaliLove Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 OP, you have to look at the bigger picture. You're trying to salve these temporary feelings by trying to get back with her. All for the wrong reasons because even if you went back to her, she will continue that lifestyle. The compatibility issue will still exist. This. This is what breaking NC is. It's like putting a band aid on a gushing wound. It'll hold for a minute but then when it falls off, it just takes more of you with it. 1
Author considerthis Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I came so close to texting her tonight. But it took me so long to consider the pros and cons that it got too late tonight to do it. After my 5 year break-up I never spoke to that woman again. So I'm not naive and I know when something is over and when not to look like a fool. This one is different because it wasn't about feelings changing/falling out of love. It was her knee-jerk reaction to being called out on something she felt embarrassed about. She felt judged. If I apologize for the way I went about having the conversation I might be able to open a dialogue. Might. Our lifestyles might be compatible. Except for the drinking and driving, which would have to change, I think can handle how much she drinks, as long as she doesn't become an alcoholic. I want a chance to talk about this. I didn't think this through before having the "problem-drinking" conversation, and I seriously regret this. I wanted to text tonight: "I am sorry for the manner in which I went about expressing my concern". But I am deathly afraid of her response/lack of response. My friends are saying if I truly mean it (and I am sorry for how I approached her), I should push past the fear and send the text. I am so conflicted.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 C'mon dude. Stop being a spineless sap. You voiced legitimate concerns and instead of discussing them with you, she decided to get pissed at you and totally cut you off. I mean, if you text her, you are basically cutting off your testicles and offering them to her. There was nothing wrong with what you did! Stop trying to invent ways to emasculate yourself. If you text her, I will e-shake the s--t out of you. I mean, do you really think she'll have any respect for you if you do this? Do you really think she'll take any concern you have seriously again?
FredJones80 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I think can handle how much she drinks Who are you trying to convince here? us or yourself? *sigh*
Author considerthis Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Just an update: I texted her a few days ago. I said, hey on reflection I'm sorry for blindsiding you with my concern [about her drinking] and making you feel judged. I said what I said because I was looking to the future. Then I turned off my phone for awhile. When I turned it back on, she had replied an hour later: hey thanks I'm glad you told me. you need to look out for yourself. and that's fine. I haven't said anything since then.
Always Pondering Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 C'mon dude. Stop being a spineless sap. You voiced legitimate concerns and instead of discussing them with you, she decided to get pissed at you and totally cut you off. I mean, if you text her, you are basically cutting off your testicles and offering them to her. There was nothing wrong with what you did! Stop trying to invent ways to emasculate yourself. If you text her, I will e-shake the s--t out of you. I mean, do you really think she'll have any respect for you if you do this? Do you really think she'll take any concern you have seriously again? Just an update: I texted her a few days ago. I said, Welp there you have it.
KaliLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 She didn't say anything you needed to respond to. She wasn't interested in continuing the conversation. So you got that out of your system. Hope you stick to NC from now on.
Author considerthis Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Funny, Kali, was just reading your other thread about dating new people. That thread got a bit out of hand, no!? Anyway, dating is so exciting, so enjoy it! 1
elseaacych Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Hi considerthis: Your thread is very interesting, and you seem to have made the right rational decision by you. STICK BY IT. It's very natural after breaking up to question what you will and will not tolerate from a relationship. You may think that one thing in particular that sticks out as a "problem" or a "deal breaker" is something that you think, by giving in or loosening up to will make you happier in a relationship (with your ex). But really, break ups occur because of a multitude of factors. There is rarely just one issue. Hell, my ex exhibited qualities that wore on my nerves and were turning into deal breakers for me, (he beat me to the break up, so we never had a chance to discuss them to see if he would change for his own sake). I don't know how far along you are from your break up, but you can't be more than a few months, but if you two can't communicate effectively to mitigate compatibility issues together, that's a HUGE PROBLEM, and almost worse than your deal breaker, because communication would likely have been an ongoing problem. You don't want to lose yourself in a relationship. You have to be true to who you are. Do not compromise your standards to get back with someone you couldn't communicate with. If you let someone get away with something you don't like, they will just continue to do it and wear the hell out of you. It's okay to feel the way you do. Just be true to who you are at your core, and know that it's definitely okay to find someone you are more compatible with. There are lots of people in the world who are good for you. Don't get hung up on this one person.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 okay, gotta laugh at this. **shake*** Seriously dude, you basically emasculated yourself with that text. You have the right to be concerned about things that concern you. And once again, she chose the bottle over you. Hopefully now you've scratched the itch and can move forward.
Author considerthis Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Hi, Just looking for some different perspectives on this. My ex and I dated for 3 months, broke up a few weeks ago. NC for about 2 weeks now. She dumped me when I told her I was concerned about her possible addiction (obviously hit a sore spot). Before that things had been going great. I am not a total wreck, but I do have major regrets and am still very physically attracted to her. Very. I find it hard sometimes not to text her. We both play volleyball, and a new season starts in July (just a small group of us, no referees). Originally my friend, who is the organizer, said she would leave my ex off the contact list. Long story short, ex got wind of the new season and now the ex is planning on playing. My initial reaction was to call my ex close to when the season starts and inquire if she is planning on going every week, and if not could she let me know when she will be absent so I can play. On reflection, I don't think this conversation will go well. The only thing I know for sure is that I will absolutely never play on the same night she does. If this means I have to skip the whole season, I will. But it sucks, because it keeps me from socializing (something I need now more than ever) and makes me feel isolated, and prevents me from fostering new friendships. Plus I like the exercise. What would you recommend I do? By the way, this situation is going to repeat itself for the fall season, starting September. So we could be talking 8 months of me not being able to play or see this group of people. Thanks for your perspective.
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