Can I break NC? [update]

[considerthis]

okay, I just have to keep trusting my gut on this one. Yes, late 30s is a bit old to be binging so much, and certainly drinking and driving.

 

I have over-indulged in alcohol, and I've seen friends do it. But alcohol is not the focus of my life. Thank you Kali and Fred.

 

Do you think she will reconsider and contact me to talk about it? I'm having a hard time not texting her. I know I was everything she was looking for prior to the "intervention". We were close to introducing each other to families etc.

 

In my experience on loveshack, most dumpees get some contact from the dumper. For some reason this has never been the case with me.

[FredJones80]

okay, I just have to keep trusting my gut on this one. Yes, late 30s is a bit old to be binging so much, and certainly drinking and driving.

 

I have over-indulged in alcohol, and I've seen friends do it. But alcohol is not the focus of my life. Thank you Kali and Fred.

 

Do you think she will reconsider and contact me to talk about it? I'm having a hard time not texting her. I know I was everything she was looking for prior to the "intervention". We were close to introducing each other to families etc.

 

In my experience on loveshack, most dumpees get some contact from the dumper. For some reason this has never been the case with me.

 

Does she have any past issues that you know of? abusive parents, abusive partner etc etc. As Hoosfoos said, it could be a way of blotting out bad memories. If so then unless they are resolved the drinking won't change.

[KaliLove]

okay, I just have to keep trusting my gut on this one. Yes, late 30s is a bit old to be binging so much, and certainly drinking and driving.

 

I have over-indulged in alcohol, and I've seen friends do it. But alcohol is not the focus of my life. Thank you Kali and Fred.

 

Do you think she will reconsider and contact me to talk about it? I'm having a hard time not texting her. I know I was everything she was looking for prior to the "intervention". We were close to introducing each other to families etc.

 

In my experience on loveshack, most dumpees get some contact from the dumper. For some reason this has never been the case with me.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Hopefully you will ignore her if she does reach out. I seriously doubt she will change her mind about alcohol. Luckily you only lost 3 months to her. Moving right along!

 

Also..I don't know if you want to have kids..but google Fetal Alcohol Syndrome if you do. That'll put you right off this woman. She's got a pickled uterus (how's that for a lovely image?) and she seems way too selfish, immature, and irresponsible to stop even if she did get pregnant. She seems to have an 'it could never happen to me' complex. As in, she thinks she lives in a bubble and nothing bad will ever happen to her no matter how poorly she behaves.

[Cali408]

I think what you're missing is the way she flew off the handle when you brought it up. If she's going to rant like that, what's going to happen when it really hits the fan?

 

Let her come to you. DO NOT CONTACT HER. If you want her back, you have to make her miss you. She's angry right now. Let her get over her anger and realize you're a great guy.

 

If she doesn't contact you, well, she lost interest and move on. Right now, just be single, and if she contacts you, great, if not, fine.

[considerthis]

FredJones - I know she was left as a child to be raised by in-laws while her mom first came to Canada. Apparently the in-laws didn't take good care of her. When she got to Canada, the father abandoned the family. I know a recent past relationship was borderline abusive.

 

She has actually become quite successful given the hardship she has overcome. It's one of the qualities I really like about her.

 

Cali, just to clarify, she didn't fly off the handle when confronted. She thought about what I said for two days, then met with me for coffee and quite calmly told me that there was no way we could move forward because I had shattered her trust. I am "different" to her now. She didn't feel like touching me or kissing me anymore.

 

So I feel like the crappy bad guy. And I wonder if I misread all the red flags I was seeing.

 

Cali408, I'm doing my best not to reach out to her. It's only been two days and the temptation is huge.

[Cali408]

No, you're not a bad crappy guy. You did it out of concern. if someone changes their feelings when you constructively tell them you're concerned, it's not worth it.

 

Every day is a victory, your brain chemistry/addiction is sending the impulse. That's all it is. Don't put yourself out there to get your neck chopped off.

 

Good luck!

[Simon Phoenix]

Except for the drinking and driving, it actually wasn't a huge deal. So I royally messed up is what I'm hearing. I let my imagination run wild, assuming that her drinking would get worse, that she could get a DUI, that she would drink every night and pass out.

 

She is in her late 30s. I am in my early 30s.

 

I assumed she was in college or recently out of it. If that were the case everything besides the driving wouldn't be a big deal. But in her late 30s that's red flag central and you obviously aren't comfortable with it. Don't be a needy sap and bend your standards because you are afraid of being alone. Trust your initial impulse on this, not the whiny emoting you are doing right now out of fear.

[considerthis]

Yup, gonna try to trust my gut on this one and stay NC. It's only day 2.

 

Still can't help but hope she gets in touch to talk it out. I'm more than willing to be proven wrong about the drinking.

[KaliLove]

Yup, gonna try to trust my gut on this one and stay NC. It's only day 2.

 

Still can't help but hope she gets in touch to talk it out. I'm more than willing to be proven wrong about the drinking.

 

But..you're not wrong..

[considerthis]

So hope you're right, Kali.

[FredJones80]

So hope you're right, Kali.

 

Lets face it, she's late 30's, that means for whatever reason she has been drinking like this for a long time, unless she has had a traumatic incident in the last couple of years that may explain it.

 

More than likely she's running from some sort of issue/problem from her past, if not then she is using it to cope with life - not a good sign.

 

Either way it isn't going to change and you're not going to change her. Unless she wakes up one day in a gutter and has a reality check its going to continue. So if you continue with her you're going to have to accept that lifestyle and either be a part of it or watch her dedicate most of her free time to it - something you're not going to accept.

 

So either you'll try to change her which will make her do it all the more or you'll accept it and be unhappy because you feel it isn't right.

 

Jeez, no offence but its only been 3 months, cut the tie now before you get more involved and more hurt in the long run.

 

Seriously, you could be in a car with her and die! Worst case scenario.

[considerthis]

I know, it was only 3 months. I get very attached, what can I say. She made me want to have a family with her, the first time I've had that realization. She was a very good communicator and was very sweet. I was falling in love.

 

I am surprised she didn't give us a chance to at least try to work it out.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know, it was only 3 months. I get very attached, what can I say. She made me want to have a family with her, the first time I've had that realization. She was a very good communicator and was very sweet. I was falling in love.

 

I am surprised she didn't give us a chance to at least try to work it out.

 

Because she values the bottle more than she does you. Sucks, but that's the way it seems to be. I mean, I came here in a somewhat similar situation (short relationship, seemed to be building and continuing to progress, then boom) and honestly, if she's not willing to move or budge or forgive (not that you need to be forgiven for voicing legitimate concerns) then it's just not going to work. Be thankful that this happened in month 3 than year 3.

[FredJones80]

I get very attached

 

Maybe you need to take a look at your self esteem? You're going to attract the wrong types of people if that is the case. Its as you're clinging to the first person who has paid you attention.

 

She made me want to have a family with her, the first time I've had that realization.

 

After 3 months? Come on. You don't make those kind of judgements so quickly and if you do they're just plain wrong!

 

I am surprised she didn't give us a chance to at least try to work it out.

 

Work what out? she isn't going to change her lifestyle for you, only for herself and maybe never.

 

Go NC and if you REALLY meant that much to her that she sits back and thinks what she has given up then she will make the changes and contact you. Otherwise she'll move on to the next person who is prepared to put up with it.

[considerthis]

Sorry, meant to say made me realize that I want to have a family at some point. Obviously, I needed more time to decide if it would be with her. Hence why I had to bring up the bottle.

 

I don't date much; I've only dated 4 women my entire life. When I become single it's usually a year or more until I finally meet someone else. I am not attracted to/have chemistry with very many people so that might give you some idea of why I want to at least try to make this work.

 

re: working things out - maybe I exaggerated the problem and her lifestyle isn't a big deal. I would be prepared to go back in eyes wide open and see how much it really bothers me.

 

Anyway, I'm trying to stick to NC (being on these forums helps to keep me from texting her). Thanks Fred.

[FredJones80]

I don't date much; I've only dated 4 women my entire life. When I become single it's usually a year or more until I finally meet someone else. I am not attracted to/have chemistry with very many people so that might give you some idea of why I want to at least try to make this work.

 

I understand that, I don't have chemistry with many people either, which is why when I click with someone either friendship or romantically I really CLICK That said, someone who is wrong for you is always going to be wrong.

 

re: working things out - maybe I exaggerated the problem and her lifestyle isn't a big deal. I would be prepared to go back in eyes wide open and see how much it really bothers me.

 

This is the thing, it IS a big deal, you came here and posted about it, the mere fact you did that shows that it is and now (like someone else said) you're preparing to move your boundaries to accept it.

 

Even some of your friends thought it was odd... this means for you, your lifestyle, your friend circle it isn't normal behaviour and so is unlikely to work out no matter how sad that is

[Simon Phoenix]

You came up with a list of 10 behaviors/factors that bothered you. That's pretty substantial.

[halfcrazed_i]

Sounds like a typical person in the UK on a weekend

 

That's exactly what I was thinking!

 

There's an entire culture founded on this lifestyle...

 

I honestly don't think she has a problem. If any, her only issue is that she's irresponsible enough to drive after drinking.

 

Sometimes, when people aren't in agreement or are incompatible with another one's lifestyle, it's easier to be more judgmental. I have been judged before for drinking a glass of wine during lunch. Like, seriously?

[KaliLove]

Sorry, meant to say made me realize that I want to have a family at some point. Obviously, I needed more time to decide if it would be with her. Hence why I had to bring up the bottle.

 

I don't date much; I've only dated 4 women my entire life. When I become single it's usually a year or more until I finally meet someone else. I am not attracted to/have chemistry with very many people so that might give you some idea of why I want to at least try to make this work.

 

re: working things out - maybe I exaggerated the problem and her lifestyle isn't a big deal. I would be prepared to go back in eyes wide open and see how much it really bothers me.

 

Anyway, I'm trying to stick to NC (being on these forums helps to keep me from texting her). Thanks Fred.

 

It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong to be honest (except the driving drunk park, which is disgusting). It matters whether or not it bothers you. It bothered you enough to say something about it, and the fact that she turned on you right away should be enough to show you where you rank in her life.

[considerthis]

That's exactly what I was thinking!

 

There's an entire culture founded on this lifestyle...

 

I honestly don't think she has a problem. If any, her only issue is that she's irresponsible enough to drive after drinking.

 

Sometimes, when people aren't in agreement or are incompatible with another one's lifestyle, it's easier to be more judgmental. I have been judged before for drinking a glass of wine during lunch. Like, seriously?

 

So, this is the kind of post that makes me question my judgement. I listed those behaviours as warning signs, not as issues in and of themselves (except drinking and driving). I don't actually care if she overindulges once in awhile, or has a morning "birthday" beer. I don't care if she has a glass of wine alone at home after work. I AM concerned that when you put all the signs together, they signal a dependency on alcohol that might get worse over time. I let my imagination take over and I imagined that one day I could be married to an alcoholic.

 

I am prepared to go back to the relationship with my eyes wide open and decide if her lifestyle bothers me as is (assuming the drinking and driving gets cut out). However, she won't take me back now.

 

Hence, I feel like I ruined something for no reason, and I'm back to square one.

[KaliLove]

So, this is the kind of post that makes me question my judgement. I listed those behaviours as warning signs, not as issues in and of themselves (except drinking and driving). I don't actually care if she overindulges once in awhile, or has a morning "birthday" beer. I don't care if she has a glass of wine alone at home after work. I AM concerned that when you put all the signs together, they signal a dependency on alcohol that might get worse over time. I let my imagination take over and I imagined that one day I could be married to an alcoholic.

 

I am prepared to go back to the relationship with my eyes wide open and decide if her lifestyle bothers me as is (assuming the drinking and driving gets cut out). However, she won't take me back now.

 

Hence, I feel like I ruined something for no reason, and I'm back to square one.

 

You didn't ruin something for no reason. You gave her a choice..either cut back on the drinking, or lose you. She chose alcohol. Why is this not resonating with you?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So, this is the kind of post that makes me question my judgement. I listed those behaviours as warning signs, not as issues in and of themselves (except drinking and driving). I don't actually care if she overindulges once in awhile, or has a morning "birthday" beer. I don't care if she has a glass of wine alone at home after work. I AM concerned that when you put all the signs together, they signal a dependency on alcohol that might get worse over time. I let my imagination take over and I imagined that one day I could be married to an alcoholic.

 

I am prepared to go back to the relationship with my eyes wide open and decide if her lifestyle bothers me as is (assuming the drinking and driving gets cut out). However, she won't take me back now.

 

Hence, I feel like I ruined something for no reason, and I'm back to square one.

 

Dude, you did fine. You did exactly what you were to do. Your pride is just hurt now because she doesnt want to reconcile. You had the "upper hand" by doing what you thought was right, and now you are questioning EVERYTHING because she doesnt want to reconcile. She choose booze over you and you made the best decision. Good work. Now, learn from it and move forward.

[considerthis]

I guess I'm not making myself clear. I obviously saw her drinking habits over 3 months and it wasn't a big deal. then she went on one bender and for some reason I felt like we had to have a "talk" about her drinking. I am questioning whether I should have kept my mouth shut and I probably could have not cared about her drinking. probably. At most I would have liked a conversation to establish that it wouldn't get worse, and that she would not drink and drive. I just wanted a conversation. It wasn't an ultimatum. but she wouldn't even have the conversation.

 

Anyway, maybe this is foggy post-dumped thinking.

 

I just wish I had put more thought into the "intervention" that I had with her.

 

So I'm back to the original question, should I break NC and ask to at least talk about this, and apologize for perhaps being over dramatic, or do I keep NC. She is stubborn and will not contact me, so it's totally up to me to reach out. But then she said these things: "you are different to me now", "I will always resent you", "it's done", "it's a waste of time to try again". I think those are very clear signs...

Edited May 20, 2014 by considerthis

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I guess I'm not making myself clear. I obviously saw her drinking habits over 3 months and it wasn't a big deal. then she went on one bender and for some reason I felt like we had to have a "talk" about her drinking. I am questioning whether I should have kept my mouth shut and I probably could have not cared about her drinking. probably. At most I would have liked a conversation to establish that it wouldn't get worse, and that she would not drink and drive. I just wanted a conversation. It wasn't an ultimatum. but she wouldn't even have the conversation.

 

Anyway, maybe this is foggy post-dumped thinking.

 

I just wish I had put more thought into the "intervention" that I had with her.

 

So I'm back to the original question, should I break NC and ask to at least talk about this, and apologize for perhaps being over dramatic, or do I keep NC. She is stubborn and will not contact me, so it's totally up to me to reach out. But then she said these things: "you are different to me now", "I will always resent you", "it's done", "it's a waste of time to try again". I think those are very clear signs...

 

Everything is clear to me and the rest of the posters here. The only person it isnt clear to is you.

 

STOP!!!!! It's done. In the long run, this is the best decision you made. DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT. The answer was on page one, but you keep trying to talk yourself into circles.

[considerthis]

Ok. you're right. NC all the way. Thanks.