considerthis Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Hi all, I was seeing a girl for about 3 months. Things were getting pretty serious and I was thinking of a future with her. She was very sweet, emotionally mature (i.e. would listen and talk through problems), and I was falling in love. Since we started dating, I saw some red flags about her drinking. I'm not a professional in this area, there is no alcoholism in my family, I have no training. But she had a high tolerance, would drink and drive, always talked about drinking etc. Because I was seeing a future with this woman, I finally sat her down one day and told her my concerns, and that I couldn't see a future with someone with a drinking problem. I told her I hoped I was wrong about it, and that if there wasn't a problem, she should be able to show me (e.g. stop at one drink, stop drinking and driving). She thought about what I said for a couple days, then met with me and very coldly broke up with me. She talked to her friends and none thought she had a drinking problem. Said she could no longer trust me, that things could not be the same again, she did not want to touch me anymore. She would always resent me as would her friends. She felt I had thrown personal things she had told me back in her face. She said I am like all the rest and I am different to her now. I feel terrible that I hurt her and am seriously questioning how I brought up the drinking topic and how I could have done it differently. I am terrified that I got it all wrong and that I ruined something going somewhere good. We texted briefly the day of the break up, but she didn't budge ("I don't trust you", "angry at myself for letting you in", "it's done", "you don't know me at all"). Can I give this a week and see if she will talk? I hate setting myself up for more rejection and losing my dignity. But this situation seems a bit different in that there is no one else in the picture, things were at their peak when I screwed up, it wasn't a case of her not having feelings for me anymore (although I guess her feelings could have changed dramatically in those few days after the confrontation). Do you think there is a chance she will think more about this and contact me? Breakups are the worst.
Strength in Healing Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Of course you can break NC. I did. I found out she moved in with another guy 2 weeks after we broke up. I found out they had sex. I found out he physically abused her (and emotionally, too). I found out how dead she was inside now. I found out how the girl I loved was an illusion. By all means, break NC. It's nothing but fun. 8
Author considerthis Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Oh, just as background, I was dumped before after a 5 year relationship. It took a month for us to move out where there was limited contact (we lived together) but I never spoke to her again after that. In that case I knew it was over for good and she didn't have feelings for me anymore. So I know I can do No Contact. This situation just seems a bit different. Almost like I could undo some of the damage. Unless, like I said, her feelings really have changed in the span of two days.
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Doesn't really matter about her "feelings" You have an issue with her drinking, she doesn't see it as an issue. Nothing more to see here. Pure incompatibility. Drinking and driving is wrong regardless of what she says. If she has a high tolerance to drinking then she drinks a lot, goes without saying. One last thing to consider though, what one person thinks is "a lot" of something doesn't necessarily mean that it will be someone else's opinion of "a lot" For example, if you don't drink - any amount of drinking can seem like a lot. Perhaps give us a run down of her drinking patterns, amounts. You can tell who is alcoholic or border line.
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 If she's drinking and driving then she has a problem. And so does everyone who lives within a 10 mile radius of her. You did the right thing. She's defensive about it because she knows you are right but doesn't want to admit it. Unfortunately you can't help someone who is in denial or who doesn't want to be helped. Have you changed your mind about wanting to marry an alcoholic? If not, then stay away. 1
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Because I was seeing a future with this woman, I finally sat her down one day and told her my concerns, and that I couldn't see a future with someone with a drinking problem.. I don't understand. If the issue here is her drinking and it goes against your checklist, what is the need to revisit this when she isn't going to compromise, change or give your concerns any regard? Growing up with an alcoholic, the first thing they do is go on the defense when you show concern about their consumption. The fact that she cut you cold and turned it all over onto you, is a very clear sign that she's more attached to her drink than she is to you. "I hate setting myself up for more rejection and losing my dignity." Then quit chasing her. 1
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Almost like I could undo some of the damage.. Translation: Maybe I can accept standards that are less desirable than I expect for myself and tolerate her drinking so I can be back with her. 2
Author considerthis Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 So my huge fear is that I misread the signs and she doesn't have a drinking problem. What triggered the conversation was her drinking a bottle and a half of wine at the beach in the afternoon and then continuing to drink at dinner. That's when I decided we needed to talk (well, a couple days later when we were sober). But the other signs that I overlooked leading up to that... 1. Drinking and driving 2. encouraging others to drink when she's drinking 3. seems much more relaxed with the first drink 4. Has forgotten a conversation we had while drinking 5. Very excited about activities with alcohol. A default outing with friends is drinking. 6. Looking for waiter when drink is getting low 7. High tolerance such that she thinks she can drive because she's not feeling the effects 8. Lots of stories about drinking (like, friends getting drunk and puking) 9. would not stop at one drink if she had the choice 10. told me her brother once expressed concern about her drinking a whole bottle of wine alone on a Friday However, she has a good job, takes good care of herself, does not miss work, is not mean when she drinks or obnoxious or embarassing. And she does go nights without drinking. Heck, we've all done a few of these things. It's NOT that I don't like being around her when she drinks. It's just that I see warning signs of a problem and what if it gets worse? What if I have kids with this person and her drinking gets worse? But right now I just feel like I took the wrong approach and have lost something that was going somewhere. What if I always regret this?
bubbaganoosh Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 If she can't hold her booze, then you can complain all you want and it will fall on deaf ears. The only way she'll learn her lesson is when some poor soul becomes a victim of her ignorance and then she'll realize that she has a problem.
Kansas87 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 1. Drinking and driving 2. encouraging others to drink when she's drinking 3. seems much more relaxed with the first drink 4. Has forgotten a conversation we had while drinking 5. Very excited about activities with alcohol. A default outing with friends is drinking. 6. Looking for waiter when drink is getting low 7. High tolerance such that she thinks she can drive because she's not feeling the effects 8. Lots of stories about drinking (like, friends getting drunk and puking) 9. would not stop at one drink if she had the choice 10. told me her brother once expressed concern about her drinking a whole bottle of wine alone on a Friday Honestly the only one of these I see as a problem is drinking and driving. There's no excuse for that, and if she drinks often she should know that and be able to make arrangements (call a taxi, have a DD, stay in, etc.). Other than that, this sounds like me and most of my friends. However, the issue here is that this lifestyle is NOT compatible with yours. It was only three months, so I'd advise you to go with your first instinct that it won't work out, and let her go. Find someone with a little tamer lifestyle
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 have lost something that was going somewhere. What if I always regret this? The thing is she is not making any compromises on her drinking. You need to bear that in mind as in she would rather defend the bottle than try to find a compromise and defend the relationship and you. And note that you aren't the only one that has come forward. Her own brother pointed it out. You had 3 months of red flags to make a decision and you made it clear to yourself that if you wanted a future with this woman, the drinking is a dealbreaker. If you get back with her, the drinking still persists and it still exists and it becomes as ongoing issue in your relationship. She can check the box on a lot of other things but I can guarantee you that this will always be an ongoing crack in your relationship. 1
Author considerthis Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Honestly the only one of these I see as a problem is drinking and driving. There's no excuse for that, and if she drinks often she should know that and be able to make arrangements (call a taxi, have a DD, stay in, etc.). Other than that, this sounds like me and most of my friends. However, the issue here is that this lifestyle is NOT compatible with yours. It was only three months, so I'd advise you to go with your first instinct that it won't work out, and let her go. Find someone with a little tamer lifestyle This is exactly what I'm afraid of. That I exaggerated the problem and now have lost a really great person for no reason whatsoever. Which is why I want to break NC to see if she will take me back. If drinking really is a problem it will manifest itself again in the next few months. But I think the damage I did cannot be undone. As a side note, you are the first person who has not read these as possible warning signs. My friends tell me that I've dodged a bullet.
Sgt. Pepper Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 As someone who grew up around alcoholics, I would say she sounds borderline. But then, I do not touch alcohol myself so I don understand drinking culture. But, my experience with alcoholics is the binge drinking type, and the functional alcoholic. A relative of mine was a functioning alcoholic for a few years. Would drink a little before work, drink a bit on the way home, maybe two or so bottles more when he got home or a third till late. Never acted drunk though, I mean never staggered or slurred, he simply became less tense and opened up and felt more relaxed.
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 What triggered the conversation was her drinking a bottle and a half of wine at the beach in the afternoon and then continuing to drink at dinner Sounds like a typical person in the UK on a weekend 1
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 2. encouraging others to drink when she's drinking 3. seems much more relaxed with the first drink 4. Has forgotten a conversation we had while drinking 5. Very excited about activities with alcohol. A default outing with friends is drinking. 6. Looking for waiter when drink is getting low 8. Lots of stories about drinking (like, friends getting drunk and puking) 9. would not stop at one drink if she had the choice In fact, this IS the UK
oldshirt Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 You are reading the signs correctly. You did the right thing. You stated your concerns and your boundaries. She choose the alcohol and her drunkard buddies over you. It may sting now but she is saving you a lifetime of grief and hardship. Let her go. You have been given a great gift of truth and freedom now vs if you had married this drunk and had kids with her and then had to deal with her alcoholism. Realize you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of her drinking. You may have a few lonely nights and miss her for a little while untill you find someone else, but that will be much much less pain and anguish than living with a lush. Let her go and move on with your life and consider this a near-miss. 1
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 As a side note, you are the first person who has not read these as possible warning signs. My friends tell me that I've dodged a bullet. Regardless of right or wrong and depending where you are from. But from experience I can tell you there are large portions of the UK population that you just summed up in that post. I don't know how drinking is done in the US and if this is typical. I can tell you from a UK standard although a little on the heavy side this wouldn't be blinked at for someone in their late teens, twenties.. even thirties and forties. The simple fact as someone else pointed out.. it isn't compatible with your lifestyle regardless of if you/I or anyone else thinks it is ok or not.
Poppyolive Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 How old are you both? If you see concern for her drinking then there is a cause for concern. Your list can be something suited to somebody that wants to have a fun night (omit the driving part & brothers concern) but then these can be major red flags. I'm 32 and like to be social have drinks, sometimes just the one, sometimes a big fun belly laughing night of drinks...but I am aware, in control and is never an issue. My ex, would be at the same social gatherings, would drink, not stop, get annoying, could barely talk/walk, become removed, say that nobody loves him (me) and would have a garbage night with him. Had no control would keep drinking and just cringe worthy looking at him.....there is a difference and only you OP will know. At 3 months in you've noticed, good for you. I think her defensiveness and blame indicates she has a problem and alcohol comes first for her. At least she was honest. My ex I noticed after 4 months that there were signs of something off... Drinking was causing issues, he'd apologize...we'd move on.. Like you OP I brought it up, he would Cry, apologize, try harder, to telling me there is no problem, his just learning and makes mistakes....just like you OP I didn't know what yo do, some friends said he'd grow out of it, others say dump.him.....just like you OP I questioned our future, how he would parent, he tomf me he'd stop drinking then, but couldn't stop when it was evidently destroying our relationship....after 5 years we split, only then he told me he full on has a problem and has known since he was 18. All along he'd say...give me time babe, making me feel terrible for throwing us away.. .I know it was my decision...but I guess like you OP I questioned is this actually a problem??!! My advise to you, is take her reaction & actions as a sign there is a problem there,if it 100% was not a problem for her she would come talk to you, to discuss and work through things and compromise. So she has a problem and you've just saved yourself a future of misery & arguments. Of course you are to blame.. She has a problem and is in denial.
Hoosfoos Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Her bond is with the booze, not you. Trust me, from someone who's been there, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that. She will eventually act with rage if you continue to challenge her on her drinking, you are also robbing her of her free will. It's her right if she wants to drink. Even if it destroys her life. Worry about yourself. She's probably got a lot of hidden pain that the alcohol helps her cope with. That's her s#it, and it's up to her only how to deal with it.
Author considerthis Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Except for the drinking and driving, it actually wasn't a huge deal. So I royally messed up is what I'm hearing. I let my imagination run wild, assuming that her drinking would get worse, that she could get a DUI, that she would drink every night and pass out. She is in her late 30s. I am in my early 30s.
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 She's in her late 30s??? I was assuming she was like..23. That's pathetic behavior for someone in their late 30s. Someone her age should know better than to act that way. She essentially chose alcohol over you already. She was insulted that you brought up her drinking, which is something that a member of her family has already expressed concern about, and she told you to f*ck off instead of thanking you for your concern and taking a look at her life. Wine matters more to her than you did. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that??
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Except for the drinking and driving, it actually wasn't a huge deal. But it WAS a big deal, to YOU. That is all that matters. Sadly as much as you like her, her lifestyle isn't compatible with yours. 2
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 She's probably got a lot of hidden pain that the alcohol helps her cope with. That's her s#it, and it's up to her only how to deal with it. I agree entirely with Hoosfoos here, people don't generally abuse substances, especially after teens, 20's unless they're covering past pains.
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Also just want to say that there is absolutely no excuse for drinking and driving. Ever. I hope she gets arrested before she kills someone. 1
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Also just want to say that there is absolutely no excuse for drinking and driving. Ever. I hope she gets arrested before she kills someone. ... and a truer word was never spoken.
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