Humblebumble Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Me and my ex broke up in July 13 and I guess I'm still hung up. I figured from all the stuff I've heard on here about there not being the one, what I'm about to say sounds a bit movie like, and that I have to get past it. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend, we just clicked. I was understanding with him and he was with me too. It's hard to explain what it was like. The issue was that there was a guy before him that had played a lot of games with me. This guy had a girlfriend, but he always made me feel like he liked me, and told me he wasn't with her. I was naive and I would believe him. So when I met my ex, I guess I leaned on him for some support. I guess I had low self esteem and I felt stupid because of how I had been played. I cried to my ex a lot. I just felt horrible about myself. I was honest with my ex though. I told him from the beginning I was hurt. He was such a good person, and he said he would stick around. However, a week after we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend I went to his house and made him food because his mom left on a trip and left him with no money. The night before I went he was really excited, and told me to come early so that we could spend a long time together before he left to work. But that morning he was so distant from me. He didn't talk much to me which was never the case. And the train ride was silent. I asked him a couple of times if he was ok and he said yes. So I left it alone because he's the kind of person that if you keep trying he'll shut down even more, and I always trusted that if something was wrong he would talk to me in time. When I got of at my stop I told him to text me when he got to work if he wanted (trying to give him more space) and he didn't, but I didn't bother to question him. We always talked at night, but when I texted him telling him I was gonna call him when I got home, he brushed it off saying he was gonna go to bed. He did this a couple of times and I just kept giving him space. But one night I started thinking maybe there was more going on. I texted him about it. I told him I needed him to talk to me about this, because I felt shut out, and he said he would call me that night. I asked if we were ok, and he said we were going to fast. <something I had told him before, but never pushed on him because he didn't want to talk about it.> I asked him what made him change his mind, and he said he had spoken with his sister, which he was close to, and she had told him to stop. I asked if that's what he wanted to do, and he said he wanted to pause things for a while. I told him it was ok, and that I cared about him. He kept trying to hold a convo and I didn't deprive him of it. He reached out a couple of times after that, and I always responded. But I made sure I didn't text him first. A couple of weeks later when I reached out, he was different with me, and one of those times didn't respond. I asked him what happened and he gave me excuse about him falling asleep. A couple of weeks passed and I text him (not sober) about how horrible it was that we weren't speaking. I hated that it felt like we were strangers. But he kept ignoring me. One time he responded and I asked if I had done something wrong< I know, big break up no, no> but he just ignored me. I decided I would gather my thoughts and stop pushing his limits. So I wrote him a long text about how much I did care, and how sorry I was for bringing old crap into our relationship, but that I did care about him, and what I loved about him, blah blah blah < ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP NO NO> and he didn't respond for AGAIN. At this point I feel like most people would give up, and most told me I should. But somehow I felt like there was, and honestly that there still IS, more to our relationship. I texted him for his birthday, and I got a thank you. I asked him to talk to me, and we actually spoke. We decided to meet up the next day, but when I messages him the next morning. Low and behold he ignored me again. I asked him to tell me something, because he had completely shut me out. I told myself I was done and a month later, he messages me and asks me to come over because he wants to speak. I go and he tells me, I didn't do anything to the relationship that he just felt closed out from everyone. He also apologized for ignoring my messages, and I don't know why but I always believe the look of his eyes. He kissed me and said he had missed me. I asked him what the next step was and he said we couldn't be together. He was "moving" to Cali. I told him he was colder and different. He said "what else do you want me to say, we can't be a thing.". I cried, but I gave him a hug, he told me to text him and as I walked away I saw him lean in for a kiss , but I just kept moving. I texted him a couple of weeks later but got no reply. I sent my love with a text, but got no reply (lyric creds. To Tyga) It kept dawning on me that he still cared. ( Feel stupid for thinking that) and I drunk texted him months later. He got worried and asked where I was consistently. We were both cold with each other that morning, but he broke the ice and we started catching up and he asked me to come over, and like and idiot I did . We caught up with more detail, he told me he missed me again. I told him I did too. That I had had surgery and wanted to text him then. He asked why I hadn't, and I told him I didn't want to bother him, but he said it was no bother. I feel asleep in his bed and he watched me sleep (when I woke up I caught him looking at me) We kissed and I asked if he had seen anyone else, he said no ( can't testify if that's true.)It really felt like no time had passed. But when I got home it's like our day hadn't existed. I didn't get a reply from him at all. I send three text, and the last one was "Wtf stop doing this( ignoring me). I know I'm stupid but I've had the urge to text him. Take his words of not bothering him, and texting him. I just feel like I'm loosing respect for myself. I love this kid, with all my heart. But I've read a lot of post on being realistic, and as much as I wanna think he's the one, he dosent make it seem so. Some friends say there' might still be something, others say there's NOTHING. And I feel like the most little confused person ever. I wish I could explain what I feel about him. I wish we could talk. Sometimes I blame myself because I let my past get in between us, but he said I didn't do anything. I want to speak with him, but I don't think I'll ever have that chance. And I scares me to think of that. I still cry and it's been over 9 months. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. Somedays I feel like I've moved on, and days like this, I feel like I need to text him.
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I still cry and it's been over 9 months. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. Somedays I feel like I've moved on, and days like this, I feel like I need to text him. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Yes, chances are that in 9 months you would have let go of that emotional attachment at some level but you haven't because 1) you are not accepting the ending 2) you have been breaking contact and re-wounding yourself 3) you still have hope. If things haven't changed in 9 months in that he has not returned to you, you need to start accepting that it is over. Whether he feels anything is irrelevant -- why -- because he's not doing anything about it. He's letting you go is all you need to hold onto. It is scary to think about never speaking to someone that you had a bond with but once you break that and you get to the other side, it won't weigh on you too much or at all.
Author Humblebumble Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 I've posted a longer version of my story. But basically my first boyfriend, who I believe I had a very strong relationship with( I was his first too) is just confusing. We broke it off as a pause, but after 3 months we met up and he told me we couldn't be. He said he still cared, and that I could message him, but I did once and he didn't respond so I tried to move on. I drunk texted him one night and he appeared to be worried, but was cold at the same time. We met up, hung out and he seemed to still care. Watched me sleep, hugged me, and kissed me. He said I could text him that I don't bother him, but when I got home and did so he didn't respond. It's weird because if we had sex then I guess I could say he used me, but we never did. I texted him three times after that day, and the last one was 'wtf stop doing this' ( ignoring me) but still no reply. He had apologized to me before about ignoring me, he said he was sorry, and that he just tends to be to himself a lot. It's been about three months since then, and I'm craving contact. I want to be strong, but he's a person that hates conflict and where it exist he won't go. I don't want that to be the last text in our relationship. But I'm afraid my reach out text could be it too, and so then I'm still the loser. When we broke up he confessed his sister advices him to break it off and he listened. Idk if I should keep trying with more patience and less frustration. I'm always afraid that I go NC in attempt to get him to miss me, and he'll forget me. I'm afraid of so many things.
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