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May 21, 2014

Appears there's more than just me that disagrees with this statement. I have no idea what your denominations book on discipline entails but having read many of your posts I tend to feel that your church discipline was handled appropriately. You and MM were leaders in your church. You were spoken to beforehand and confronted by both your husband and the church. Your husband requested the discipline and you still didn't want to end your affair (which you didn't even end for many weeks after the church discipline).

You'd have been similarly exposed in many of the churches I know but perhaps given more effort and time to submit depending on the leadership.

Pastors have a congregation to protect…especially when church leadership is involved

You say you stayed home that Sunday because you knew you were being exposed but, seriously, exactly what does a woman in leadership at a church that's been confronted and refuses to end her affair with another leader at the church while also pregnant with such affair partners child doing going to church anyway??? Why would you be entitled to the Pastor(s) knowingly just ignoring it and keeping it quiet while you (and OM) sit in the pews in obvious defiance to God's laws? Do Pastor's not have a right, duty and obligation to protect their flock?

Plus, your older posts make it sound TO ME like your biggest disappointment is that the church exposure did exactly what it was designed to do….killed your affair. OM threw you under the bus (which is why he got more support because he and his wife probably made you out as crazy stalker wayward). It also appeared you felt, had the church not exposed, your plan of being with him may have happened but once EVERYONE in town knew, OM capitulated and gave up the fantasy relationship. Unfortunately, it appears to me you took a lot longer to give it up and by the time you did…your husband was down his own wayward path. It's a very sad story and I have great sympathy for you and your husband but fixing it doesn't or shouldn't involve blaming the church. It's been 3 or 4 years of this. All that energy and emotion wasted on something outside yourself and your marriage that you can't change or control instead of just owning it and redeeming your reputation by re-building a great marriage with your husband and showcasing PUBLICLY how God's love can save us all in a "all these things we WERE" manner.

Point is. The church didn't expose you to label you a sinner that day and forever more, but you appear to STILL be carrying that banner. Stop that.

Phew glad I don't belong to that belief system. After all if all sin is the same in God's eyes you out Gossips and other sinners out from the pulpit as well.

May 21, 2014

This is all fine and good, but I wasn't being hypocritical. Never said an A is okay. Rather was trying to get a clue as to why the husband might of cheated. If her affair happened first, that could be part of the reason he cheated. It certainly wouldn't be a valid reason, but it would explain some things. Likewise, if HIS affair was first it might of been a contributing factor to her cheating. So there was no hypocrisy. Though I have the funny feeling her affair was first.

I just get the idea that if anything else was listed as a "contributing factor," it would be deemed a justification. If there is no excuse for cheating (and IMO there isn't an excuse) then there is NO excuse.

And if it happened at work, work needs to know. If it didn't...only an idiot would try to get axES fired and therefore set themselves up to have to pay alimony.

May 21, 2014

Appears there's more than just me that disagrees with this statement. I have no idea what your denominations book on discipline entails but having read many of your posts I tend to feel that your church discipline was handled appropriately. You and MM were leaders in your church. You were spoken to beforehand and confronted by both your husband and the church. Your husband requested the discipline and you still didn't want to end your affair (which you didn't even end for many weeks after the church discipline).

the above is not true - we were not confronted by the church. My husband did not request discipline. What are you talking about? We split immediately and had accountability. The affair did not resume and no contact was in place a few months later. You are stating things that you have no ideas about and if you have some sort of "knowledge" I would venture to say that you KNOW this situation and you are someone I know which means you don't really haVe a clue

You'd have been similarly exposed in many of the churches I know but perhaps given more effort and time to submit depending on the leadership.

I have been exposed in churches YOU know? Really? Who are you?

Pastors have a congregation to protect…especially when church leadership is involved

You say you stayed home that Sunday because you knew you were being exposed but, seriously, exactly what does a woman in leadership at a church that's been confronted and refuses to end her affair with another leader at the church while also pregnant with such affair partners child doing going to church anyway??? Why would you be entitled to the Pastor(s) knowingly just ignoring it and keeping it quiet while you (and OM) sit in the pews in obvious defiance to God's laws? Do Pastor's not have a right, duty and obligation to protect their flock?

Plus, your older posts make it sound TO ME like your biggest disappointment is that the church exposure did exactly what it was designed to do….killed your affair. OM threw you under the bus (which is why he got more support because he and his wife probably made you out as crazy stalker wayward). It also appeared you felt, had the church not exposed, your plan of being with him may have happened but once EVERYONE in town knew, OM capitulated and gave up the fantasy relationship. Unfortunately, it appears to me you took a lot longer to give it up and by the time you did…your husband was down his own wayward path. It's a very sad story and I have great sympathy for you and your husband but fixing it doesn't or shouldn't involve blaming the church. It's been 3 or 4 years of this. All that energy and emotion wasted on something outside yourself and your marriage that you can't change or control instead of just owning it and redeeming your reputation by re-building a great marriage with your husband and showcasing PUBLICLY how God's love can save us all in a "all these things we WERE" manner.

Point is. The church didn't expose you to label you a sinner that day and forever more, but you appear to STILL be carrying that banner. Stop that.

Stay the hell away from me or come out from behind your anonymous posting name and be a man and tell me who you are.

May 21, 2014

Phew glad I don't belong to that belief system. After all if all sin is the same in God's eyes you out Gossips and other sinners out from the pulpit as well.

Who the hell would want to serve on the off chance that any mistake they made would be announced to the entire congregation and who would want to talk to a pastor (such as the one that was in our church - a known gossip - and believe one was a horrible gossip) on the off chance he would be telling everyone else?

I submit no one.

May 21, 2014

I have no idea who you are in real life.

My information came from my recollection of things you posted over the years here on Loveshack. When you attacked my post on this subject last time I did some reading to confirm my opinions. It's been a many months since I've posted to you and I think your posts directed to me outnumber mine to you.

The Churches I know refers to multiple Churches I work with in my area of the United States.

I don't private message with women. Sorry.

I responded because you claimed to speak for me when you claimed everyone here agreed your church exposure was bad. That isn't a fact.

I mean you goodwill. You seem obsessed with slamming the church. I feel your anger is misdirected and harmful TO YOU.

That's fine - I don't care if you message me or not. I couldn't care less. But you have absolutely no idea what occurred.

My posts over the years? I have only been a member for a little over a year.

What I meant was not everyone on this board but everyone HERE in my town. Sorry you misunderstood.

What I am saying is that this is not the way the church should treat families. My family was not ministered to - period. I submit had my husband BEEN ministered too that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have made the decision. He made. He was lost and alone (no thanks to me, I know). Thr pastoral staff made no effort to help him. But the boys club surrounded xmom.

But you are making assumptions even about my xap and you really have no idea who and what he is (still is I might add) and the comments you are making indicate to me you know more than you should. Judging from where you might be from, I can pretty much guess who.

We are going to have to completely disagree on this. You do not live in my town, in my house and you have absolutely no idea the intricacies of this situation - only what you are assuming. Even from my posts you cannot get it all.

I no longer espouse your Christian values, because I have seen them in action and that is not the Jesus I know, believe me - and if that is who Jesus is, I really want nothing to do with him - not that type of Christianity anyway. and believe me there was a time I thought as you did - prideful, arrogant, high and mighty and more spiritual than everyone else. This, in and of itself, is most likely why I fell the way I did. Now I have compassion for everyone - I see both sides and really I see the pain. You, sir, will really understand it sometime as well. In the future.

Please, stay away from me. Unless you have the entire story, you cannot even begin to give me any kind of advice.

Edited May 21, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong

May 21, 2014

I rest my case! I think LS should divide some sections with a disclaimer: one section where people want to move on, forgive an focus on healing, and other on destroying, controlling and putting the blame on "something"

Time and time again it pops and derails threads, and people use it to insult or disapprove other experiences or mistakes.

In my opinion it takes a very special person family and circle of friends to use full disclosure and survive... but that is my humble opinion...

May 21, 2014

Who said you owe me anything? I never did. All I can go by is what you wrote, and it comes off as someone who is trying to act like they love their partner..after the fact. This to me is on the same level as people who cheat and then stupidly say they aren't going to fess up because they don't want to hurt their partners feelings. But it is like..if you were that worried about their feelings cheating shouldn't of happened in the first place.

So I would ask again: was your affair before your husbands, or after?

If you read my posts you would know - mine was first. And my choosing not to disclose his was because of the way I was treated. I wanted to handle things differently. I do love my husband and I wouldn't ever want anyone to go through the public scrutiny I did. I chose to handle things quietly - it was our issue and no one else needed to know about it.

May 21, 2014

I rest my case! I think LS should divide some sections with a disclaimer: one section where people want to move on, forgive an focus on healing, and other on destroying, controlling and putting the blame on "something"

Hear, hear!

May 21, 2014

I rest my case! I think LS should divide some sections with a disclaimer: one section where people want to move on, forgive an focus on healing, and other on destroying, controlling and putting the blame on "something"

Time and time again it pops and derails threads, and people use it to insult or disapprove other experiences or mistakes.

In my opinion it takes a very special person family and circle of friends to use full disclosure and survive... but that is my humble opinion...

I am sorry - I am gone from this thread and most likely from posting. I removed myself for awhile because of the attacks but it looks like I need to go again.

May 21, 2014

I rest my case! I think LS should divide some sections with a disclaimer: one section where people want to move on, forgive an focus on healing, and other on destroying, controlling and putting the blame on "something"

Hear, hear!

Edited to add, when Jesus forgives our sins, He separates them as far as the East is from the West, forgives us, and cleanses us from all unrighteousness.

It's sad when His people choose not to follow his example, espcially in light of this verse:

For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15“But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Matthew 6:14, 15

May 21, 2014

That had to be very hard for you. Even as a woman I felt that feeling..that I was not enough.

I did a 180 on the subject. At the time of her affair I felt shame, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I thought she did it because I wasn't enough, being what many would deem alpha amoung alpha's it was a huge blow to my pride and ego. In that set of mind how do you share?

I recall after having her served with the divorce papers she wouldn't allow friends and family to blame me, at first she wouldn't tell why we were about to divorce but wanted people to know it was her. Then she told my mom about her affair, then she started telling everyone. I was pissed and wanted to avoid everyone that knew.

If I had it to do over I would go full disclosure simply because it put me in a dark place not having anyone to talk this stuff out with. It took a toll on all my relationships and set my healing back.

Its a personal decision, but one needs an outlet that can't be the WS or BS.

May 21, 2014

It sort of sounds like some cases near me. It's so sad when this stuff happens in churches, but we forget sometimes it can happen anywhere. Sin does not respect the barrier of the "church."

I have been a part of 2 churches where someone on staff had an A. In the first case, the minister denied, denied, denied even when the woman with whom he cheated walked into the leadership meeting with her husband and shared details to try to get the minister to admit it. The minister resigned by reading a very vague, pity inducing letter, and then getting a group of parishoners together at his house afterward who would "support" him (aka drive a wedge in the church).

In the second case, at the end of a service, the minister in question came forward, confessed exactly what he had done, how wrongly his sinned against God, his family, and the church, and resigned humbly. He slipped out afterward, but his wife and children were in one of the outer rooms in case anyone wanted to express love and pray with him. Two weeks later, the woman with whom he had the A came forward and did the same. She was not on staff but had many leadership roles. Again, her family was given the opportunity for prayers and support.

The first minister went on to get a non-church job, from which he was eventually dismissed for inappropriate conduct with students, along with a church job in a more "liberal" denomination, for which he was eventually dismissed for the same thing.

The second man moved closer to their families, worked to make amends and worked in an office for awhile, went through a Biblical recovery program with his denomination. His marriage is strong, and several years later he was once again hired by a church with full disclosure of his past.

Interesting how different the two stories were.

May 21, 2014

I'm sorry my comments made you feel threatened and indicated to you I somehow know you in real life. Again. I don't. I also don't know anyone in real life that somehow knows you in real life. If my words strike as familiar perhaps it's because I am familiar with your spiritual struggle in general. I see someone lashing out, misdirecting their anger and hurting and I've spent a lot of time trying to help others that are or have been in the similar positions particularly involving infidelity.

I apologize also if my facts and any assumptions were wrong. I was going by recollection of posts written by you, some long ago, and read several months ago by me.

I'm sorry my opinion upset you.

I wish you well.

Apology accepted (but of course justified). I have no problem with an opinion as long as the person has all of the facts and you do not.

And we will never agree on this.

Farewell

Edited May 21, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong

May 22, 2014

Oh please, don't come to a public forum and post your questionable actions if you don't expect people to comment on it. This woe is me stuff WS have here never makes much sense. Most of the time it's not about just assigning blame. I very very rarely see a person come into a thread hurling insults and nothing else. Very rarely.

Also sorry, but destroying and controlling? That is just silly, nobody here can control anyone else. This is the problem at it's core. The gross exaggerations don't help anyone.

Hey, let me clarify since I think you did not get the meaning of my post.

Nobody here is expecting to find the Holy Grial, most LS members read, share their experiences, feelings and solutions etc to a problem, it can be infidelity , dating, or simply how to avoid getting electrocuted by a Kite, that is it if you find it acceptable, questionable or simply embarrassing, THAT IS YOUR take, Do you think I expect to resolve someones life with a post, or ruin somebody's life? that is a power trip. The bottom line here is that if you are on a high horse, you are still hurt, have not resolved your issues its quite easy to label, slander and make assumptions on other´s lives without you knowing. And yes it happens some members have been banned for getting too worked up by someones different opinion...

Look, I don't want to come off as assigning blame or anything, but I just can't believe for a single second you love your husband. But keep in mind, this is OPINION. If you do love him, then it is unfortunate there was not enough love to keep you from straying. Just like, indeed, it is unfortunate he was of the same quality, since he cheated too. I guess I can get when one person cheats if they try to reconcile, but if both people cheat then sn't that a sign?

You don't assign blame but you did!! ... everyone has his her reasons maybe they are completely wrong TO YOU but for them its the way they are working things, the best advise one can learn is Live your life, let other live theirs, if asked your opinion or point of view, state what you would do, not what you think others should, could or have to do... that is a controlling character, (and you are right some LS could not care less about control or opinions of some people here who have not been to the situation at hand.

May 22, 2014

Looks like this needs a review, if for nothing else the violations of our guidelines which prohibit bringing the content of past postings to the current topic, in general and without specific attribution in particular, as well as civility and respect violations. I'll close this up while we sort it out and process out the appropriate members. Thanks for your participation!

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