Full Disclosure

May 19, 2014

A lot of it may depend on someone's definition of reconciliation.

Agreed. Very true!

May 19, 2014

I did NOT fully disclose to anyone and everyone. I did, however, talk to more people than I should have about it because of the pain I was in. I regret that because we lost a couple of friends and my husband's sister who simply didn't want to deal with it or support either of us. I think some of them were also upset at my husband and didn't want to show him they supported him at all. Almost a year later and the sister still doesn't want anything to do with us, even though she doesn't have a pristine past herself.

I did not disclose to our church, but we did meet in private with our pastor and I spoke to him to ask for help for my husband who was suicidal shortly afterwards. I think our pastor was a bit pissed at my husband, honestly, but within time they began talking and then we did together and my pastor started praying for and with him. It has even helped him face some of his past issues (though not infidelity).

We did disclose to my family. The day of in fact. I was a basket case and they needed to know because I was so lost on which direction to turn --leave, kick him out, I didn't know. My family has been amazing and though I was worried they would hold anger toward him or not want me to stay with him, one of the first things my parents asked was "Is he OK?What can we do? We need to pray for him. Let's find you a counselor, if you want one." Of course, theysaid this after asking if I was OK and my dad did start some discussions about lawyers, just in case.

In fact, I sometimes wished in those early days my parents were not so freaking understanding and nice. I wanted to run over him with the car and they wanted to pray for him and hug him. Gah!

He was too embarassed to have them near him, however.

I truly do not feel disclosing an affair to an entire church or community serves any purpose unless the affair was between a member of the church and the pastor or a leader in the church. The community, family, church, are not involved in the issue at hand in anyway. Healing needs to come for the couple and that needs to be done in private.

This woman may regret the disclosure if she chooses to reconcile and others look down on her (not that it's their business anyhow) or try to steer her away from that because of what she's shared, however. I know that in my case it made it a little bit more difficult, but not entirely since most of my family and friends were absolutely supportive of us both and believe heavily in redemption. (I have had two family members mention to me recently they sometimes have a hard time being around my husband, even though he is very remorseful and working to change, and prefer to beat him instead of hug him. lol. Luckily, both of them women, have been able to control that urge!)

This is not an indictment on those that choose full disclosure but rather a discussion about it based on:

A friend is going through the same thing as I- she chose to tell pretty much everyone about her husbands A- she even had him apologize to the Priest that married them and to her parents- I took the more private route and told no one except them-

Her husband has resumed contact-not physical contact- with their OW. When he and I spoke about it he said he felt like everyone thinks he a dirt bag and there is no place "safe" for him- their OW is the only one he felt like still respected him-(note: by nature they are more volatile than my husband and me so they have been fighting more than we have)

Question/discussion- if you were "outed" did you feel this way-even if you were not did you feel like your ex-AP could understand you better than most based on them being part of it-and finally, in general-how do you feel about full disclosure-

May 19, 2014

Agreed. Very true!

For some, reconciliation means "I'll stay/you can stay, but I'll make darn sure that for the rest of your life neither you nor anyone else forgets what you did."

I believe a couple is reconciled when the A is no longer any type of driving force in the marriage.

May 19, 2014

Hmmm...interesting as my sister and I were discussing this the other day.

She had an affair for 18 months, had a d day and then left her husband for the MOM.

Turns out, he was already in another affair with another MW, which continued for another 2.5 years, up until my sister found inappropriate texting and sexting with her and another woman. But by then she was 3 months pregnant andfelt like she made her bed,so had to lie in it. He lied and gaslighted her, told her it was 'only sexting'. Given how they started, and how hard it was to accept him into our family after what he did to my brother in law, she kept the sexting to herself and rugswept. No consequences. We knew they had trust issues though, and that things were shaky.

Fast forward 6 months, OW sees a photo of newbo8rn baby,goesbunny boiler and exposes everything, in a very cruel and spiteful way. 2.5 year EA and PA, sex in his car when she picked him up from my sisters house...the works. My sister NOW chooses to expose everything t friends and family.

But heres the thing. Shes considering reconciling ONLY because her baby is 6 weeks old (3 weeks at d day) and she doesnot want to give up any custody. Not even every second weekend. But EVERYONE is telking her to get rid of him, move on. HIS OWN FAMILY are telling her to do this. They know him. Hes broken. He wont change.

I NEVER want to see or speak to him again. His behaviour set iff a bomb in our family 3 years ago. Hes done it again. Hes toxic. Everything he touches turns to $hit. I had little respectfor him anyways....now I have none. I hate him for what hes done.

So now, how do I support my sister through a reconciliation which will ultimately negatively impact OUR relationship. I told her I will respect her decision, but we will never all sit down fir dinner together again. We are still very good friends with Ex BIL. I will not have toxic people around me or my family...so hes out of my circle.

Had she not told me, like last year, I would never be the wiser and just plod along accepting his presence. Now? My refusal to let him be part of my life has upset my sister. She feels like its an ultimatum....him or her family. I have assured her itsnot. We still love her and her baby....we just cant love him. She blamed me. I had to point out thatthis was a result of HIS actions, he has put her there. Not me. Its hard to acknowlegde that should they reconcile, my sister will hurt the most. Its a tough pill to swallow. And at times im sure she wishes she never told us.

May 19, 2014

This one may warrant a separate post? What do you think? you have some good questions here that I think others might could help you with.I hope your family can figure this all out and your sister can find some peace in the midst/despite it all.

Hmmm...interesting as my sister and I were discussing this the other day.

She had an affair for 18 months, had a d day and then left her husband for the MOM.

Turns out, he was already in another affair with another MW, which continued for another 2.5 years, up until my sister found inappropriate texting and sexting with her and another woman. But by then she was 3 months pregnant andfelt like she made her bed,so had to lie in it. He lied and gaslighted her, told her it was 'only sexting'. Given how they started, and how hard it was to accept him into our family after what he did to my brother in law, she kept the sexting to herself and rugswept. No consequences. We knew they had trust issues though, and that things were shaky.

Fast forward 6 months, OW sees a photo of newbo8rn baby,goesbunny boiler and exposes everything, in a very cruel and spiteful way. 2.5 year EA and PA, sex in his car when she picked him up from my sisters house...the works. My sister NOW chooses to expose everything t friends and family.

But heres the thing. Shes considering reconciling ONLY because her baby is 6 weeks old (3 weeks at d day) and she doesnot want to give up any custody. Not even every second weekend. But EVERYONE is telking her to get rid of him, move on. HIS OWN FAMILY are telling her to do this. They know him. Hes broken. He wont change.

I NEVER want to see or speak to him again. His behaviour set iff a bomb in our family 3 years ago. Hes done it again. Hes toxic. Everything he touches turns to $hit. I had little respectfor him anyways....now I have none. I hate him for what hes done.

So now, how do I support my sister through a reconciliation which will ultimately negatively impact OUR relationship. I told her I will respect her decision, but we will never all sit down fir dinner together again. We are still very good friends with Ex BIL. I will not have toxic people around me or my family...so hes out of my circle.

Had she not told me, like last year, I would never be the wiser and just plod along accepting his presence. Now? My refusal to let him be part of my life has upset my sister. She feels like its an ultimatum....him or her family. I have assured her itsnot. We still love her and her baby....we just cant love him. She blamed me. I had to point out thatthis was a result of HIS actions, he has put her there. Not me. Its hard to acknowlegde that should they reconcile, my sister will hurt the most. Its a tough pill to swallow. And at times im sure she wishes she never told us.

May 19, 2014

so far this seems to be the issue in my case as well. almost to a fault sometimes. lol. Used to make me mad how supportive my family was of my WS, in fact.

This is simply untrue. It's not the case my situation whatsoever...my family has absolutely zero issue with my wife. Nor do they have any issue with my decision to reconcile.

Sorry folks...but my true-life experience is completely the opposite of what you're trying to insist must be true.

It MAY be the case for some folks...and I'd agree it's a possible outcome that BS's should consider...but I can flat out state that it's not how things played out in my own life, in our reconciliation.

May 19, 2014

A lot of it may depend on someone's definition of reconciliation.

True.

For some, reconciliation means "I'll stay/you can stay, but I'll make darn sure that for the rest of your life neither you nor anyone else forgets what you did."

I believe a couple is reconciled when the A is no longer any type of driving force in the marriage.

Yep if a couple totally forgives the A and it appear as it never happened, or you never think of it....KUDOS GREAT and thats the way to rebuild...

If you or other can't deal with it it will be the perennial stone in your shoe... sooner or later you will get a blister...

May 19, 2014

I exposed and disclosed my WH's A to quite a bit of people. I wasn't sure we were going to stay M'd and I damn sure was going to let everyone know WHY.

Full disclosure and exposing was the best thing I ever did for myself. Not sure if my WH would agree,but it killed the A dead in it's tracks. It lost it's momentum right after exposure and then died a natural death.

May 20, 2014

As for expose/disclose i would draw the line at telling the employer, even if the AP is a co-worker. Telling the AP's spouse is one thing but not the employer. I also draw the line at making it a "life sentence" scarlet A.

The problem with exposing the A lies with in its intended purpose especially if the context is about reconciliation. For one, the BS does have the right to expose but just as with the A the actions we take have consequences. That said, to the point at hand, if the intended purpose is to retaliate for being cheated on and to put the proverbial scarlet A on the WS, then i would say that is less about reconciliation and I would not agree in any action that simply makes the WS "live" with the BS out of shame, the feelings are no longer genuine and life has become a "life sentence" for punishment.

However, exposing works magic in stopping the A most times as it forces the hand of both WS/AP to end the "vacation" or "start a new." In these cases the BS is trying to snap the WS out of it, let the chemicals/euphoria subside or to see what the A's true colors are for the purposes of reconciliation. Often i have seen as with my own circles this be very effective when the AP's spouse, friends, families are told. Everyone is different, but every A in my circles where R was an agreed upon decision, and i mean to being "happy" in the M, exposing did not cause this isolation effect in the long term and some of the exposing was down right mean too. I am sure the WS short term felt humiliation as should be in the context of the A's result but love was there for the couples i know in that no matter the A itself vs the consequences which came through exposing it, they made it.

As per the context of the OP, i shy to worry as much in the context of exposing as I do for the A itself which many times, the friends may already know. If have seen that happen where the BS is the last to know. In the end short of telling the employer or making it about a "life sentence" to carry the scarlet A, the humiliation in my opinion is a consequence and should be owned up to.

Edited May 20, 2014 by atreides

May 20, 2014

H exposed widely. For him, it was necessary, as he never wanted to run into OM again, and wanted to make sure our friends did not invite them to the same events.

In my case, exposure made contact exceedingly harder, thereby reinforcing NC. I could not "casually" inquire about OM, etc. More people who knew meant more people who could report back to H if I broke NC. This made the difference in those weak moments when I considered contacting him.

Additionally, our friends were surprisingly supportive. Because they knew, we both had people we could talk to about our feelings, etc. one friend in particular really helped me snap out of the fog; if it was not for this, I'm not sure if we'd still be married.

Now, after DDay, my mother-in-law contacted both my mom and OM's mom. I think she should have left that to me and H to decide for ourselves.

May 20, 2014

Spot on! old shirt..I always wonder why people want to keep everything IN the marriage but once there are problems all the dirt should be ventilated OUT the marriage...

I know lots of people, who are friend with "someone who cheated" and they say things like : Mr. X wife, you know the one who used to cheat on him with mr Y" even after years...

Once you scold your S to the outside world...he will be either a "poor" victim" or a low life cheater.

Even if they pretend they don't care...

In my experience, most people outside the marriage just don't care all that much. Sure, a friend's or family member's infidelity could be a bit of a topic of discussion/gossip for a little while but everyone has their own lives and problems. Your marriage isn't going to be in the forefront of their minds for all eternity.

IMO, worrying about the reactions of friends/family should not be the primary consideration of a BS and their decision to disclose. Even if there is some initial reaction from others, life goes on and the people in our lives aren't as obsessed with what has happened to us as we might think...

May 20, 2014

In answer to the question asked earlier, I was TOLD (as was my husband) on that Friday before church that was the decision. We obviously stayed away that day as did xmom and his wife. However, my inlaws and xmom's parents and the BS's parents sat through it. The church's pastor parish relations committee was brainwashed into thinking this was the biblical thing to do. They completely ignored the Book of Discipline of this denomination and did their own thing.

As for us, we were all in shock - my husband even says today that had he been thinking clearly he could have probably convinced the pastors not to do it (he was close with them at one point) - it is one of his biggest regrets and I believe him now. My mother in law (who is elderly and a dear, dedicated Christian) did go to speak to the pastor who explained his biblical stance. She is not one to cause waves and she's too old to fight it - but she probably knows more scripture than he does (or should I say knows practical application of scripture more than he does).

As one close member of xmom's family told me recently - she was livid - she said if it was one of her kids should would have had an attorney in there immediately. Hind sight that is what should have happened - no one should be treated that way. We were already moving toward reconciliation, xmom and his wife left the church and were heading to a different congregation. Although it took a few months for us (xmom and I) to cut off contact completely and for my husband and his BS to stop communicating, we were moving that direction. We did not need to be publicly humiliated and strung up for that to be accomplished. Actually, he got off much better - I had the A painted on my chest and was strung up while the bus went up over hills to hit me and run over me several times (I can sort of smile about it now because it didn't do them much good - I am back better and stronger).

Once the congregation and the town and my family came out of shock and realized what these yahoo pastors had done, the ball started rolling to remove them and it eventually happened. One saw the writing on the wall and resigned a year later and the other was removed by the Bishop and the District Superintendent after multiple letters were written. And believe me it didn't all have to do with just the handling of my situation, but multiple situations where they mishandled MANY things.

Some day I am going to write a book.

At any rate, I still maintain that this is absolutely not the way to handle anything. IMHO.

And - thanks BH - I didn't feel called out at all or triggered. I am not on here a ton anymore, but I do want to help where I can.

Edited May 20, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong

May 20, 2014

I have not told anyone about our situation I feel its a private matter between ourselves. Some of my wife's friend are aware that she got busted but we have decided that she would not discuss it with them.

May 20, 2014

In my experience, most people outside the marriage just don't care all that much. Sure, a friend's or family member's infidelity could be a bit of a topic of discussion/gossip for a little while but everyone has their own lives and problems. Your marriage isn't going to be in the forefront of their minds for all eternity.

IMO, worrying about the reactions of friends/family should not be the primary consideration of a BS and their decision to disclose. Even if there is some initial reaction from others, life goes on and the people in our lives aren't as obsessed with what has happened to us as we might think...

My family didn't really want to know. H let me tell them, but most just said they didn't want any details. I do still feel awkward around his family, but not because they've made me feel that way. Over time, it will pass.

May 20, 2014

In my experience, most people outside the marriage just don't care all that much. Sure, a friend's or family member's infidelity could be a bit of a topic of discussion/gossip for a little while but everyone has their own lives and problems. Your marriage isn't going to be in the forefront of their minds for all eternity.

IMO, worrying about the reactions of friends/family should not be the primary consideration of a BS and their decision to disclose. Even if there is some initial reaction from others, life goes on and the people in our lives aren't as obsessed with what has happened to us as we might think...

Hmmm, I see what you are saying, but that doesnt apply in my relationship with my sister. Because of our FOO issues we are incredibly close as siblings. I am the elder of3 girls and have stood in that protector role for our whole lives. This is not selatious gossip to me. My sister is hurting, and it hurts me to watch. But most importantly is that there is now an innocent baby involved.

I agree that my feelings should not be a consideration in her decision -its her life and she has to live it. But because of how close we are it will impact our relationship if she goes back to him. But we are in our 30s...maybe its time I pulled back.

May 20, 2014

That is NOT biblical. I believe it says something about if you have wronged your brother to go them and try to work it out with them firstand if it can't be you call in the elders to work on the issue. To me it would be your choice if you wanted to confess this issue to the church/congregation, not the pastors! I knew a girl who got pregnant in high school and she and her boyfriend stood up in front of the church and asked for forgiveness and prayers. No one outed them, they outed themselves. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you know, or realize, that NOT all churches/pastors are like that and that is NOT how God would handle things at all.

In answer to the question asked earlier, I was TOLD (as was my husband) on that Friday before church that was the decision. We obviously stayed away that day as did xmom and his wife. However, my inlaws and xmom's parents and the BS's parents sat through it. The church's pastor parish relations committee was brainwashed into thinking this was the biblical thing to do. They completely ignored the Book of Discipline of this denomination and did their own thing.

As for us, we were all in shock - my husband even says today that had he been thinking clearly he could have probably convinced the pastors not to do it (he was close with them at one point) - it is one of his biggest regrets and I believe him now. My mother in law (who is elderly and a dear, dedicated Christian) did go to speak to the pastor who explained his biblical stance. She is not one to cause waves and she's too old to fight it - but she probably knows more scripture than he does (or should I say knows practical application of scripture more than he does).

As one close member of xmom's family told me recently - she was livid - she said if it was one of her kids should would have had an attorney in there immediately. Hind sight that is what should have happened - no one should be treated that way. We were already moving toward reconciliation, xmom and his wife left the church and were heading to a different congregation. Although it took a few months for us (xmom and I) to cut off contact completely and for my husband and his BS to stop communicating, we were moving that direction. We did not need to be publicly humiliated and strung up for that to be accomplished. Actually, he got off much better - I had the A painted on my chest and was strung up while the bus went up over hills to hit me and run over me several times (I can sort of smile about it now because it didn't do them much good - I am back better and stronger).

Once the congregation and the town and my family came out of shock and realized what these yahoo pastors had done, the ball started rolling to remove them and it eventually happened. One saw the writing on the wall and resigned a year later and the other was removed by the Bishop and the District Superintendent after multiple letters were written. And believe me it didn't all have to do with just the handling of my situation, but multiple situations where they mishandled MANY things.

Some day I am going to write a book.

At any rate, I still maintain that this is absolutely not the way to handle anything. IMHO.

And - thanks BH - I didn't feel called out at all or triggered. I am not on here a ton anymore, but I do want to help where I can.

May 21, 2014

I did a 180 on the subject. At the time of her affair I felt shame, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I thought she did it because I wasn't enough, being what many would deem alpha amoung alpha's it was a huge blow to my pride and ego. In that set of mind how do you share?

I recall after having her served with the divorce papers she wouldn't allow friends and family to blame me, at first she wouldn't tell why we were about to divorce but wanted people to know it was her. Then she told my mom about her affair, then she started telling everyone. I was pissed and wanted to avoid everyone that knew.

If I had it to do over I would go full disclosure simply because it put me in a dark place not having anyone to talk this stuff out with. It took a toll on all my relationships and set my healing back.

Its a personal decision, but one needs an outlet that can't be the WS or BS.

May 21, 2014

If a person cheats with a co worker yes you should tell the employer. They have a right to know if two of their employee's are screwing, most places frown on that sort of thing and this is exactly why: it can make an awkward work environment if the co workers relationship doesn't work out.

Well i disagree.. with the actual company knowing but have no issue with the co-woker's spouse knowing. Now quitting is of the WS's recognizance if R is to had, i agree.

But if they choose to be stupid enough to cheat with a co worker they can't be mad if you tell the boss. Though let us be honest, anyone who cheats with a co worker and wants to reconcile with their BS will be quitting their job anyways. There is no way a cheater will continue to work at a job if they cheated with someone there. I don't care about the state of the economy and all that, jobs might be hard to find but hey should of thought of that before you cheated.

Again, i just don't see why "the boss" needs to know but totally agree in quitting the job for R.

No, not a life sentence, but definitely something that will last a few years. Any WS's who have a problem with that just really don't want to make things right with their partner and don't truly want to reconcile. So yes, in the beginning the BS might indeed throw the cheating in the WS's face a lot..that is normal though and honestly you can't blame them. The persons cheating is going to be on their mind A LOT.

Obviously there comes a certain point it should stop, but keep in mind there is a difference between a person deciding to forgive someone and the forgiveness actually happening. It can take a while to fully forgive, but some people seem to think the second you agree to work on the relationship you can NEVER mention the affair again during an argument, etc. which is silly.

The context of life sentence are those that "stay" but not actually R, they do so for whatever reason, but now the relationship is for not and the WS lives in perpetual shame. It was in reply to Charlie's context of which he set up as in people just "staying"

May 21, 2014

I say go for full disclosure. If they don't like it..oh well, you shouldn't of cheated. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too, sorry. They need to be taught a lesson so they will never ever do this again. Sometimes people just need tough love.

Sorry, but if your husband telling people about your shady behavior delays reconciliation..that is a huge red flag. If you want to reconcile with him, it shouldn't matter if he tells people. You have no right to be upset because you had an affair. If it caused more problems then that is still all 100% your fault, not your husbands. You should of thought of all the harm your affair would cause before you did it.

Okay, so he cheated too, not good. Let me ask you, was his affair before or after your affair?

On one hand it is nice you did this I guess, on the other hand you say "no matter what I loved him" but your love didn't stop you from cheating so that is a weird reason to give. If your affair was prior to his, I would suspect you kept quiet because you knew if you said anything about his he'd throw your affair right back in your face and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on. So I don't know, I don't know if I consider you keeping it quiet as a favor you did for your husband.

Color me confused, how did your husband not know your affair was inappropriate right away? Unless you are talking about his exposure. Something tells me he might not truly believe it was bad, but that isn't the point I guess.

You were treated that way because you were a cheater, your gender had nothing to do with it.

Life isn't fair, true..that is probably a thought every BS has. Okay, but you say he didn't face as much scrutiny..but you also said you kept his affair quiet, so wouldn't that be why? If your affair happened first then I could see why there would be no scrutiny from the few who do know..because they'd say you cheated first.

I am not saying two wrongs make a right or anything.

What does xmom mean? I hope you aren't referring to the other man you cheated with, because it is irrelevant what happens to him and his family. He shouldn't even be on your mind at all. He deserves to have problems with the family he betrayed.

If a person cheats with a co worker yes you should tell the employer. They have a right to know if two of their employee's are screwing, most places frown on that sort of thing and this is exactly why: it can make an awkward work environment if the co workers relationship doesn't work out.

But if they choose to be stupid enough to cheat with a co worker they can't be mad if you tell the boss. Though let us be honest, anyone who cheats with a co worker and wants to reconcile with their BS will be quitting their job anyways. There is no way a cheater will continue to work at a job if they cheated with someone there. I don't care about the state of the economy and all that, jobs might be hard to find but hey should of thought of that before you cheated.

No, not a life sentence, but definitely something that will last a few years. Any WS's who have a problem with that just really don't want to make things right with their partner and don't truly want to reconcile. So yes, in the beginning the BS might indeed throw the cheating in the WS's face a lot..that is normal though and honestly you can't blame them. The persons cheating is going to be on their mind A LOT.

Obviously there comes a certain point it should stop, but keep in mind there is a difference between a person deciding to forgive someone and the forgiveness actually happening. It can take a while to fully forgive, but some people seem to think the second you agree to work on the relationship you can NEVER mention the affair again during an argument, etc. which is silly.

This is an example of someone who doesn't know - if you want to find out more read my past threads. You have no idea what I have been through nor my family and it has been explained. I owe you nothing.

May 21, 2014

.....I always wonder why people want to keep everything IN the marriage but once there are problems all the dirt should be ventilated OUT the marriage...

same here. it appears to be a competition. WS cheated so BS needs 'sympathy' points from friends/family OR i want them to feel the pain i do.

i am absolutely against telling the employer. you have an emotional situation why create a financial situation. and depending on the field, employers talk or 'word' gets out making reemployment more difficult.

i do have two questions:

BS --- did the WS protest your 'disclosure' and did the level of protest lead to D or a more difficult R.

WS --- did you voluntarily disclose.

May 21, 2014

I voluntarily disclosed to everyone about my first , including confessing to my BS.

The rest of things later, we talked about all of it and shared it with a couple of close friends and the kids. None of it had to do with work, so the employer was irrelevant, and HE stated that he didn't want everyone and strangers all up in his business. In fact, he wasn't super happy about me posting on this forum, and I can sort of see his point given a few things.

May 21, 2014

This whole full exposure thing just really seems like a way for the BS to get some external validation that they are right and the WS and AP are wrong. Like a way to build them up and give them reinforcement about their hurt and anger. I didn't need that I guess. I knew that I had a right to feel hurt and to be angry with my ex husband. I didn't need others to agree with me and gang up on him. I didn't want him under those circumstances. I didn't want to be the right thing to do - I wanted to be the thing he deep down in his heart wanted to do. I just can't get behind this full exposure thing. I'm reading everyone's posts and I see the thought and feeling behind what they think it is about but I just can't help thinking that it isn't about a fog or anything as much as it is about getting an army behind them to force something to happen that they want to happen. A forced end to the affair. I didn't want my ex husband to be forced to stop seeing his girlfriend. I wanted him to choose to stop seeing her willingly and freely with no pressure. He wouldn't have ever done that given the choice freely and I recognized that and reacted by allowing him that freedom.

I'm not saying I handled it better than those who fully disclose but I think I got a more real reaction by not exposing to everyone and their brother. And like others have said nobody really wants to know about our intimate relationships and the failings in them. After a couple of weeks nobody even cared. We were divorcing and he and his girlfriend were carrying on. Everyone was exactly where they wanted to be at that point with nothing influencing them but their own hearts and minds. I don't ever look back and regret it because I know that is exactly where we all ended up.

May 21, 2014

I have been a part of 2 churches where someone on staff had an A. In the first case, the minister denied, denied, denied even when the woman with whom he cheated walked into the leadership meeting with her husband and shared details to try to get the minister to admit it. The minister resigned by reading a very vague, pity inducing letter, and then getting a group of parishoners together at his house afterward who would "support" him (aka drive a wedge in the church).

In the second case, at the end of a service, the minister in question came forward, confessed exactly what he had done, how wrongly his sinned against God, his family, and the church, and resigned humbly. He slipped out afterward, but his wife and children were in one of the outer rooms in case anyone wanted to express love and pray with him. Two weeks later, the woman with whom he had the A came forward and did the same. She was not on staff but had many leadership roles. Again, her family was given the opportunity for prayers and support.

The first minister went on to get a non-church job, from which he was eventually dismissed for inappropriate conduct with students, along with a church job in a more "liberal" denomination, for which he was eventually dismissed for the same thing.

The second man moved closer to their families, worked to make amends and worked in an office for awhile, went through a Biblical recovery program with his denomination. His marriage is strong, and several years later he was once again hired by a church with full disclosure of his past.

Interesting how different the two stories were.

May 21, 2014

Who said you owe me anything? I never did. All I can go by is what you wrote, and it comes off as someone who is trying to act like they love their partner..after the fact. This to me is on the same level as people who cheat and then stupidly say they aren't going to fess up because they don't want to hurt their partners feelings. But it is like..if you were that worried about their feelings cheating shouldn't of happened in the first place.

So I would ask again: was your affair before your husbands, or after?

Actually, barring hypocrisy, if we believe in personal responsibility, an A is wrong no matter what, so it doesn't matter whose was first. If it is wrong and cannot be justified, then it is wrong and cannot be justified even if someone else "went first."

I have noticed men especially seem to get stuck in the "she did it first so it wasn't bad for him to do it" hypocrisy circle.

May 21, 2014

This is all fine and good, but I wasn't being hypocritical. Never said an A is okay. Rather was trying to get a clue as to why the husband might of cheated. If her affair happened first, that could be part of the reason he cheated. It certainly wouldn't be a valid reason, but it would explain some things. Likewise, if HIS affair was first it might of been a contributing factor to her cheating. So there was no hypocrisy. Though I have the funny feeling her affair was first.

It makes no more difference than a person who is in a sexless relationship cheating after years of being physically rejected. Or any other circumstance that lead to the cheating. If the marriage is unfixable leave. If that isn't the problem then still don't cheat.

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